Gut Feeling Vs Reality

[slickaz]

Guys i need serious help.
Im in the begining stages of an LTR.

The problem is im away alot of the time due to work.
But when i come back i see her.
again i maintain high value etc and i know She ABSOLUTELY loves me.

here is the problem.
She has a lot of guy friends.
some or most of whom i know have liked her at some stage.

They contact her, and she minimizes the amount of contact she has with them back. but sometimes she still hits them back up.

Because i have not had an LTR in a LONG time. Im not used to trusting someone else.
Especially a hot young woman. who gets hit on ALOT.

My gut feeling, or my head says, be careful, she may be cheating on you when you're not around. She may be talking to guys etc etc.

But everytime i have an issue i bring it up and she gives me the truth, and the story checks out.
So there is a part of me that says, i am pushing her away with this doubt.
or im being overly careful and thats going to eventually piss her off.

she did mention once that she is "always having to defend herself, even tho she didnt do anything wrong, and has loved me sincerely from the start"

she always tells everybody that shes mine etc.

But still.. i feel like i have this mind vs heart war inside me.
Its heart saying Go with her, shes a good girl and she respects and loves you.
my mind and security going, dont, she may be hiding something.

BAckground: i dont trust people easily, because of past business and personal dramas. So that may have something to do with it.

how do you guys handle it when you have a diamond in your hand but you're not sure if it really is a diamond.or cubic zarconia acting like a diamond?

I have no other problems with her, in bed, she cooks for me, cleans, makes sure im satisfied to the brim. but in me is the conflict.
i havent told her any of this.

 

[vitor]

Ok well if she wants to cheat she will just like if you want some strange when you are away on business you can go and get it. Just MAN UP, stop being Jealous, and Insecure. That is what she is seeing, this strong man she likes is being a MAJOR *****. If you really feel in the back of your mind she is cheating or will cheat then start looking for other plates while dating her. I understand you were wronged in the past but if you keep pushing her she is just going to do it. She is probally telling her guy buddies how you do this and they are telling her how that is wrong and how usally someone who acts like that is cheating themselves. The person who smelt it dealt it kinda deal...

Relax, I do not know who says it on here, but You are the Catch NOT the other way around and do not forget it. The Moument you like her more than she likes you things are done, but it looks like you already like her more thans he likes you..

 

[decades]

you will be able to tell if you Allow yourself to see the facts, see the truth. You just have to observe her carefully. You just take note of what she says and compare it to what she does. After a while, you will get a sense of what the reality is. Until you KNOW this woman, hold onto your heart. In fact I would hold onto your heart for at least the first 6 months. During this time scrutinize her behavior very very carefully. Your gut will tell you what's up.

 

[Interceptor]

What you have to ask yourself is:

What is the worst possible scenario?

Will I be dead afterwards?


If not, then don't sweat it.

You cant live your life squirming and trembling worrying in fear.

The only thing she can truly 'hurt' is your ego.

If you trusted her, and she violated that trust, it's on her, not you.

If you made sure to stay aware, listen to her, stay intimate and well bonded, make her a priority and she STILL goes out looking for someone else, then so be it.
You have to be a little forgiving of yourself, dude.

You dont own her. Nor can you control what she does or thinks , or wants.

So if you cant control any of that, dont waste valueable energy and resources worrying.

You have to wonder if its your insecurity and need for reassurance thats making this a reality, or if it really is her thats creating this.

 

[guru1000]

You are a man and live life in accordance ONLY by your rules. If you are not comfortable with the terms of the relationship, OVERTLY disclose your expectations. If she does not comply, you are simply incompatible and it is time to move on.

Do not tie your prized exclusivity with a girl who is incompatible. Personally, I have never chose to date this type of women with serious intentions.

 

[librito]

why would you have a serious relationship with a woman you will barely see?
a woman with many guy friends????? thats a red flag for a serious relationship.
you know that 9 out of 10 of her guy friends want to nail her right? the only one who doesnt want to nail her is her gay friend.
I bet that common sense is telling you that theres something wrong with this picture but you are being led by your emotions and her hot azz. make her a plate and if she behaves then you can upgrade her to a serious relationship later on...

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

She's either faithful or she isn't. You can't control that completely. If this is your issue because of problems in your past, then you have to keep that to yourself. The more suspicious and doubtful you are of her, the more insecure it makes you look. You looking like a wuss always worried about what she's doing or who she's talking to is not attractive. If anything, this will make it more likely she cheats. Just keep your cool and don't bring up stuff like this unless you actually know that something is happening with her and someone else.

 

[Sinistar]

i havent told her any of this.

...oh yes you have...

But everytime i have an issue i bring it up and she gives me the truth, and the story checks out.
So there is a part of me that says, i am pushing her away with this doubt.
or im being overly careful and thats going to eventually piss her off.

how do you guys handle it when you have a diamond in your hand but you're not sure if it really is a diamond.or cubic zarconia acting like a diamond?

This is a poor analogy. Gemstones can be appraised by an expert with extreme confidence.

Here's the thing most men miss when it comes to gut feel. We are logical and direct and want everything correct. The gut feeling *seems* to fly in the face of our core way of operating and being. Out of somewhere comes this feeling *seemingly* going against all of our facts and observations. Yet often, the facts and observations are there but for some reason we do not allow ourselves to *believe* it or go with it until something factual comes along to support it. About then the gut feeling is squashed by those cold hard facts and that's when (very often avoidable pain) really sets in. Put more simply, the dumper has moved on and the dumpee is left crushed.

With a gut feel gnawing away, try thinking of it another way. What are the facts you know (disregarding your gut for a bit):

1.) You are away often
2.) She has lots of guy friends
3.) Most of these guys friends have desired her at some point
4.) These guys are contacting her.
5.) She is allowing them to contact her
6.) She is returning contact to some of them.
7.) She is hot
8.) She gets hit on a lot

Now add in the things you know will only push someone away and not motivate them to want to come closer:

1.) Your gut vibe (yes, every woman on the planet smells this)
2.) You've told her about it (directly)
3.) You are worried she'll get mad (yes, she senses this)
4.) You are worried she'll leave (yes, she senses this)
5.) You are putting great stock in her words.
6.) Her actions give you doubt (yes, she senses this)

Before we come back to your gut feeling let's discuss a few well observed female behaviours:

1.) Younger attractive women aren't typically ideal for LTR's (yet)
2.) Women with several male friends have predictable patterns
3.) Women who sense insecurity will just test & push more (you would too).
4.) You scenario gives her the perfect branch swing / eject mechanism.

Now after all this, let yourself just feel that gut feeling. Really feel it. Do you know what hat gut feeling is. It is your subconscious magnifying all this incongruency.

I think you've got cubic zirconia and your get is telling you this. There are 10 other buyers who think it's a diamond.

Why more people don't listen to their gut always baffle me. What's the worst that could happen. You miss out on a great LTR. But even you know there are many more possibilites out there. Many of which won't have lots of guy friends and trip off your gut.

 

[Colossus]

As my sig says, you have to look at the evidence.

I am never one to discount a gut feeling. You cant ignore it, and there is always a reason for that uncomfortable feeling.

So, in my opinion, you have to be systematic about it.

1- Look at the evidence you have.
2- Consider the known and observed behavior patterns in women of her age group and attractiveness
3- Consider your own insecurities
4-Weigh the above against your gut feeling.

Listen man, your suspicion is warranted, but she may very well be as faithful and true as her claims. I think part of what you are feeling is just normal male suspicion, especially in this circumstance. But you can't kill yourself worrying about this. It isnt healthy nor a productive use of your faculties.

Can you dump her based off a gut feeling? Sure you can. But I dont think you have anything concrete to substantiate this yet. Just be cool, hang back, and keep a keen eye for anything shady.

DO NOT bring it up with her again unless she has clearly crossed a boundary, in which case you should next her.

 

[jophil28]

Can you dump her based off a gut feeling? Sure you can. But I dont think you have anything concrete to substantiate this yet. Just be cool, hang back, and keep a keen eye for anything shady.

DO NOT bring it up with her again unless she has clearly crossed a boundary, in which case you should next her.

THat is good advice.

I don't buy that old saying " Your gut does not lie " Yes it does. IT is merely a crude early warning system much like the fire bell in your building .
Your gut is also given to false alarns just like that fire alarm .

I have often had "a hunch" about a woman, and when I sought some evidence there was none.
By all means investigate your fears and concerns, but never NEXT a woman just because you "feel" some vague doubts.

YOu might as well consult your daily horoscope .

 

[Jeffst1980]

I think the problem here is that you are NOT judging her actions, only the circumstances surrounding them.

Of course, if you post here and say that you have a "gut feeling" that something's wrong, and then bring up an LDR with a bunch of orbiter AFCs, some of the posters here are going to say she's going to cheat on you. And even if you never find evidence as such, they'll insist that you aren't looking hard enough. Then, if you press further and start to drive her away, they'll say "told you so!"

However, you have absolutely NO TANGIBLE EVIDENCE that she's done ANYTHING wrong--and, more importantly, you said that she's crazy about you.

The time that you should suspect cheating in such circumstances is when your girl is acting cold or indifferent to you. Most girls can't fake having high interest--you will KNOW that she doesn't feel the same. That's the only gut feeling you need.

My thoughts based on your post: You're being paranoid because she's hot. Just because a girl is hot and has options DOES NOT make her less faithful! Stop cross examining her and instead work on keeping her interest level up. If an action DOES NOT raise her interest level (e.g. grilling her on her male friends), it is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The last thing you want is for her to lose interest because you acted insecure in the relationship or got jealous of an AFC orbiter.

As for the male friends, you should still evaluate them b/c orbiters bring nothing but bad things to relationships. However, since she's young, they are probably unavoidable. You should offer to join your girlfriend next time she hangs out with them--they may be completely harmless and not worth stressing over. Of course, if any of them have made direct advances towards her, she shouldn't be hanging out with them.

Don't let the horror stories of others cloud your judgement; make your own observations. If there are no concrete red flags, it's not worth stressing over.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Slackas,
I agree with the other posts,actually if you accept her behaviour and trust her(You have only one other choice)and she behaves,there will be feel good feelings all round....As others have said,that she does not see Male friends is no guarantee either...Still for a while,though you trust in the Lord,keep your powder dry.

 

[guru1000]

Gut feelings are not reliable indicators. However, the woman's behavior is. Any woman who allows male friends with whom she continues to associate with is not a viable LTR option.

When you guys continually demean yourselves by tieing your exclusivity with such women, you will have yet another story of a low quality woman doing you wrong. This is the same as letting your SO go to an exotic island with her gf's on spring break and saying "I trust her". Deserving women with serious intentions do not act this way.

Gentlemen, choose self respect and don't compromise your expectations . The fact that some men will allow such behavior in an LTR is beyond me.

 

[horaholic]

What happened to the girl you deflowered?

 

[STR8UP]

Gut feelings are not reliable indicators. However, the woman's behavior is.

Which often manifests itself as a gut feeling....

If you're a paranoid person to begin with you really need to ask yourself if you are being, well, paranoid.

Me? I'm really not paranoid with women (my attitude is if they fukk up the truth will eventually come out so i don't stress over things) so when my gut tells me something I LISTEN. If you have some "issues" then it might not be quite as reliable.

 

[TheLadiesMan]

If you hit it right, and she does in turn, neither one has to worry about cheating. I'm saying this is also in line with communication between the two of you.
...but yea, if it's poppin every time, you ain't got to worry about it.

 

[Tazman]

My gut has never failed me, but my ego has when it overrides. Believing something because you "want" to doesn't make it so.

 

[decades]

If you hit it right, and she does in turn, neither one has to worry about cheating. I'm saying this is also in line with communication between the two of you.
...but yea, if it's poppin every time, you ain't got to worry about it.

umm no. people are genetically programmed to cheat.

 

[slickaz]

ok, so firstly thank you for all your advice.
most of you i think are right.

This is most probably my paranoia, because ive havent been in a potential LTR where the girl is well matched to you.

so far, she says she tells me everything, for example, last week her ex text her and said he dropped all her stuff of from a year ago infront of her house. which she went out and picked it up. I think this is true, she told me as soon as she could.

i dont think she's doing anything behind my back, but its probably my paranoia because im not used to committing and now that i feel like we're going there i wanna make sure the person i do that with is fully trust worthy.

but anyway im going to focus on enjoying what shes got to offer than worry about what would happen if it goes away.
yesterday she pulled me up on it, asking what is it about what she does that doesnt make me trust her.
she said she sensed that i was holding back and wanted to know if she was doing anything wrong.
i said no its not her, its just that im tired from all this work, to which she made me relax and cooked me dinner and massage etc. so good evening.
im glad i didnt go into too much detail coz i think a fight wouldve erupted.

but thanks you guys, ive taken it as, worst case scenario my ego is gonna get hurt, and maybe a part of my feelings. but i wont die.
so big deal gotta take the risk and enjoy it rather than worry about it.

ill update you guys soon.
im at work.

 

[slickaz]

ok so i found out something today.

Background:
She has this friend, who is now one of her 'good' friends.
in the past they kissed once, when she was 18, she is now 21.

he had a gf, last week went single.
he updated his status on facebook to single.

she commented on it, i cant see the comment, neither am i interested in seeing the comment. but she did not tell me she commented on the single status of a guy she once hooked up with, but now is good friends with.

she mentioned him once last week and when i seemed interested she told me they hooked up but she does not keep in touch with him since she has been with me.

anyway today on her facebook was a comment in response to her comment on his page.

i asked her in passing, hey i see you're friends left a comment on your page.
she said, oh yeh he did.
so i said ahuh..ok..
and pause...pause..pause..then she said ok, i left a comment on his page about him being single again.so he replied.
so i said yeh ok thats cool no probs..
she said yeh, no biggie.
me: yeh but you contacted him first is that right?
she: yes, oh gosh! im going to regret doing that first arent i
me: why should you regret? im no nazi, ..and changed topic.

should i take that she is contacting other guys as a bad thing?
im just checking coz i aint been here before..so