Guide to Listening

[Sociopath31]

We all know a girl wants a man who listens. A man who listens to what they say, think, feel about anything and everything. This seems like an easy objective, given that listening is a passive skill. I thought I had this covered well.

Well, 2 girlfriends ago, when we broke up, she told me I never listened to her. How could this be? She called all the time, and we taked for a while. There is an inherant problem with my rebuttle. I will ease into it. You know when a girl talks, you would usually rather be somewhere else. You don't care what she thinks, because in most cases, what she thinks is wrong. Funny thing is, it reciprocates. They care about what we have to say about as much as we care about their thoughts.

But it is a conversation, right? When they talk, they expect a response. They want a little input to see if we are listening, or if we are smart and have an opinion. Well, I presumed this was so. It works that way with other men, why wouldn't it work with women?

Guys:
"How bout them Braves?"
"Hell yeah. Maddux is a pimp." (etc.)

Notice the agreement, and the input afterwards. I now describe correct form with women:

Girls:
"I'm so tired today. My parents were giving me all this crap last night, and I blah blah blah new shoes blah blah nails blah blah. I think I did the right thing."
".....Yeah"

Notice how I didn't comment on anything, just let the crap fly out of her lips, and agreed afterward. This alone will not take care of the situation. Although you care not what she says, it must appear that you do care. There are a few pointers you must be aware of.

Always look into her eyes. This is a good thing to do in any situation. If she looks away for a second, feel free to look at any other body part, but keep them on the eyes when she looks back at you. This is not a stare. Just be relaxed, and act like she has your focus. You can think about something else if it keeps your ears from bleeding. Also, keep a light smile, or grin on, like you agree with, or enjoy what she is saying.

Nod if she pauses, or say yeah. If she laughs, laugh a little with her. It hurts to fake a smile for so long, but you'll get used to it. Few guys have mastered this, less yet practice it, giving you a huge edge. One of the first thing a girl mentions in your description is "Oh and he's such a great listener."

Put this into practice, but make sure you are going out with her, doing sexual things. Make sure you are not "Friends" with her, because this will only lower you down further into the friend zone. It is a powerful tool. Use it and benefit.

 

[vadrill]

Socio, your are exactly right.

Though I'm considered a very outgoing person, I've been told by many woman (and men and family members) that I'm an excellent listener.

In my mind I think I'm very impatient so it's shocking that many over the years have said I'm an excellent listener.

I guess the main ingredient is to treat what others are saying as something that's very important to them, even if it's boring and repetitive to you.

Dead on about making the eye contact. This applies to both genders. After all, wouldn't we all like to think that what's important to us is considered important to who we are sharing it with?

Nice post

 

[IntermediateDonJuaner]

Okay , I have something important here to add in. When a woman says listening is very important because she likes a person that listens to her, what does she mean exactly?

Is she trying to say listen to her when she speaks or listen to what she said an do exactly as told.? Do you follow what i am saying here? Maybe she gets angry with you because you did not listen carefully to what she said. For example:

She: I am hungry, could you buy me some food to eat? A burger will do

You: Okay.

Instead of buying her a burger,you bought something else. Maybe this is what she is trying to say. YOU DON'T LISTEN!. I think there is a huge difference between listening and listening exactly what's been told and react accordingly to instructions or questions

I hope this helps

Have a nice day!

 

[Poosy Marauder]

Originally posted by IntermediateDonJuaner:
Okay , I have something important here to add in. When a woman says listening is very important because she likes a person that listens to her, what does she mean exactly?

Is she trying to say listen to her when she speaks or listen to what she said an do exactly as told.? Do you follow what i am saying here? Maybe she gets angry with you because you did not listen carefully to what she said. For example:

She: I am hungry, could you buy me some food to eat? A burger will do

You: Okay.

Instead of buying her a burger,you bought something else. Maybe this is what she is trying to say. YOU DON'T LISTEN!. I think there is a huge difference between listening and listening exactly what's been told and react accordingly to instructions or questions

I hope this helps

Have a nice day!

You're joking right?
Or are you really a personal servant?

 

[IntermediateDonJuaner]

I am not saying that we need to be her servant or slave but what I am trying to say here is "Men often don't listen to them and maybe they felt hurt because they are not heard by others"

Psychologists had proved that a person's self-esteem will be hurt if they are not heard when they speak.

To make things more precise, just imagine when you're talking to someone, they don't listen to you. How would you feel? Let us say now if a woman is asking you to do a favour for her and you make a mistake because you did not listen, how will she feel? Maybe that's the reason why women said most don't listen carefully to what they say.

Does this answer your question?

Have a nice day!

 

[Sociopath31]

Yeah, I see what you're saying, IDJ. This applies to many things. Like when she says where she went, who she went with, what she wore, where she works. Write little things down and bring em up sometime. You cant totally zone out, pick the important things up, unless it's her opinion (oops, that won't be important anyway.)

 

[Bismarck]

True,I found it the hard way.Active listening made it for me.If health,wealth and relationships are neccessary to be happy,listening in both form active and passive have helped me in all three.

 

[Boschy]

There's good stuff about 'empathic listen' skills in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which I thought was excellent. In summary:

- Listen without applying your frame of reference (or what Covey called your "autobiography") to what the person is saying.

- Echo what is being said by confirming you heard both the factual content and understand the emotional content.

- Do not probe. Avoid saying things like "Wow...and did you loose all of your money??" By doing that you put the person on the spot.

- Do not offer solutions unless they are solicited. Yes, this is the standard 'shut up and listen to your chick emote' approach.

These things take active listening skills (which might be used in business or with friends) and go a bit further by letting the person feel non-threatened and unjudged. They are best used during a crisis but will also help when talking to new women to build rapport.

Of course, if the conversation is light-hearted then it's all pretty casual. But deep and meaningful convos may benefit from sensitivity. As a male you may think obvious questions have not been followed, but I think the girl will appreciate being allowed to talk feely without you relating it back to your own life constantly.

 

[Ace of Flames]

Or,

you could direct the convo somewhere so you care what is being said. Why sit and listen to something you don't even wanna hear? That's a waste of time. Instead, take the reigns and change the topic to something both of you like. Better than basically lying to your girl by feigning interest in whatever she's saying.

This tip is still of some use though. The parts about keeping eye contact and nodding and such during the convo DO make the other person feel like you're paying attention to them. At the very least, be facing them while they talk, unless the situation doesn't allow for it, like talking from the front seat to the back seat in a car.

 

[Boschy]

Or,

you could direct the convo somewhere so you care what is being said. Why sit and listen to something you don't even wanna hear? That's a waste of time. Instead, take the reigns and change the topic to something both of you like. Better than basically lying to your girl by feigning interest in whatever she's saying.

Good point, however....if you're not interested in trying to understand who she is or what makes any woman you meet tick, then I think you're lacking a fundamental curiosity about your fellow human beings.

I know many blokes think like this (I hate chick flicks, gossip bores me, etc.) but the reason we are lacking pick-up, and possibly basic interpersonal skills, is because of this general deficit and disinterest in psychology and social dynamics. You may want to talk about cars or sports, but unless you can convey an infectious passion about them, she'll get bored in nanoseconds.

Like a lot of PU theory says, you must (eventually) stir up her emotions and convey sexual state. Talking about her feelings and how other people affect her world will do that more than the usual logic/factual male topics of convo. Just my 2 cents' worth