"grass is always greener" syndrome

[Serg897]

Hey all,

I once again return to this website seeking perspective on a new problem for me. I have no doubt that many of you have already experienced this.

Simply, as the title says, Im afflicted with “grass is always greener” syndrome. I am seeing a woman who has given me basically everything I want in a relationship, yet my heart is not in it 100%, possibly for this very reason. It is the paradox of dating.

I have been seeing this girl for several months. We have many things in common and some great chemistry. She is a beer snob like me (and she buys me good beer that we enjoy together). We share hobbies like dancing. She watches nerdy sci fi shows with me, no problem. We also like the same music. She was even around with her full support while I was studying my ass off for the qualifying exam that I just got through, the big @ss test every graduate student has to take mid-way through to prove you are worthy of candidacy.

Yet, sometimes when Im out with her she feels clingy. Like a ball n’ chain. I cant stop myself from looking at other women, or imagining myself trying to work my game on them. She wants to talk to me everyday and its easy to get tired of her. Also, the sex has gotten dull, and its not very good – to the point where I am losing interest.

Hence my conundrum. It is now time to make a choice. I have gone far enough with this without committing officially and she would like to be exclusive. So now its either this woman or back to single life. And this choice has to be made soon, as she will not wait forever.

Im fully aware that there is no right or wrong answer here. I also think I know which direction most of the replies are going to go. I just want to know how other dudes have handled this problem and how you have felt afterwards.

Thanks for reading,
-Serg

 

[FairShake]

Many things work on paper that don't pan out in real life. If she seems right but clearly isn't then you should look elsewhere.

Besides you're 23. There is absolutely no reason to settle at 23. Settling isn't a bad thing when you're older and in need of "good enough" companionship but at 23 the world is still your oyster. Dine.

 

[PDubb75]

It's all about timing. It sounds to me that it's not that she's missing anything. You just aren't ready to start settling down. At 23 thats understandable. I completely see your hesitation, as it's rare to find someone like that. But, no matter how great a woman is, you aren't gonna be happy if deep down you don't want to settle down.

I kinda had that feeling in my LTR. We were together for 6 years, but it started way too early. I wasn't ready to get married, and that was the next "step", if you will... I couldn't be happier to be single now... but I also wasn't completely happy with that girl.

 

[neghitzbrah]

Hey all,

I once again return to this website seeking perspective on a new problem for me. I have no doubt that many of you have already experienced this.

Simply, as the title says, Im afflicted with “grass is always greener” syndrome. I am seeing a woman who has given me basically everything I want in a relationship, yet my heart is not in it 100%, possibly for this very reason. It is the paradox of dating.

I have been seeing this girl for several months. We have many things in common and some great chemistry. She is a beer snob like me (and she buys me good beer that we enjoy together). We share hobbies like dancing. She watches nerdy sci fi shows with me, no problem. We also like the same music. She was even around with her full support while I was studying my ass off for the qualifying exam that I just got through, the big @ss test every graduate student has to take mid-way through to prove you are worthy of candidacy.

Yet, sometimes when Im out with her she feels clingy. Like a ball n’ chain. I cant stop myself from looking at other women, or imagining myself trying to work my game on them. She wants to talk to me everyday and its easy to get tired of her. Also, the sex has gotten dull, and its not very good – to the point where I am losing interest.

Hence my conundrum. It is now time to make a choice. I have gone far enough with this without committing officially and she would like to be exclusive. So now its either this woman or back to single life. And this choice has to be made soon, as she will not wait forever.

Im fully aware that there is no right or wrong answer here. I also think I know which direction most of the replies are going to go. I just want to know how other dudes have handled this problem and how you have felt afterwards.

Thanks for reading,
-Serg

Serg, bro. I was in your exact situation. Except, I was in it for 5.5 years. When we first got together, we were infatuated with each other. Sex was great and we had a blast together hanging out. She was clingy as ****, but so I was (My AFC days). Then eventually, I started to get bored. I look at other chicks and would EC them, but left it at that. I stayed faithful to my girl... I'm no cheater.

Now this kept building up more and more. Sex became a routine, I thought about everything but her when on top of her. I literally couldn't get off unless I was high as fvck. I was talking to other girls.

It was getting bad, and it was getting bad fast. I ended it... sure I regretted it for a bit, but all in all it was the best decision for myself. Don't stay because YOU FEEL BAD for her. Who gives a fvck what she thinks... its your life bro. Take control.

So after you end it. Dont talk to her cuz 1) it will hurt you and 2) itll make you look like an AFC. Plus she will want your cox from your alpha maleness if you ignore her.

By the way, did I mention dont talk to her after you end it????

P.S. DONT TALK TO HER AFTER U END IT!

 

[Serg897]

I completely see your hesitation, as it's rare to find someone like that.

Bingo. I understand that no woman is unique and that there are plenty out there that fit the characteristics of what Im looking for, but its a high thoughput screening process to find them - you have to filter out a LOT of losers before you find one that fits what you are looking for AND is interested enough to stick around. It could be years before I find another.

I have no other options at the moment, except for one other girl Im currently trying to game whose interest is unclear as of yet. If I decide to become monogamous I would have to drop this one, obviously.

Both of you guys that were in 5,6 year relationships --- do you both regret staying monogamous that long?

 

[Alle_Gory]

Charlie Broker explains. It's got some dark humor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjF932SFoCc&feature=related

 

[sandman6991]

I am so glad you posted this!! I'm having the exact same problem with my girlfriend...I should be happy, but I'm not.

 

[Miles28]

I had exactly the same thing but I was in a relationship for 7 years. I broke it off about a year ago. I'm almost 10 years older than you but was having the exact same feelings you're having now. Actually I had them for a long time during the relationship but I didn't want to end it.

Since I broke up with my ex I've dated quite a few women. Just like I got bored and dissatisfied with my ex I have got bored and dissatisfied with these women. Now I'm not sure if I'm capable of staying sexually interested (enough to not want to cheat) in one woman for more than a few months. Or maybe if I meet the 'right' person things will click and I'll no longer have these issues? I really have no idea. I guess at my age it's a bit more of an issue than at your age.

I still don't know what the answer is but it's a conundrum many of us face. I like many things about being single but the reality of it for most guys seems to be long periods of not having anything going on or dating low value chicks with the occasional 'quality' girl that comes along. I think in theory being single could be amazing if there was a bigger accessible pool of smart, interesting, attractive women out there. Maybe having good game increases your chances of encountering these types of women but for most of us dating really is like spending months sifting through coal looking for that rare diamond.

 

[PDubb75]

Both of you guys that were in 5,6 year relationships --- do you both regret staying monogamous that long?

At the time, I didn't. My relationship lasted just under 6.5 years. I didn't really start regretting it until 6 years in. Now that it's over, I'm starting to more and more.

This has really been my first opportunity to be single, as I was in a relationship since I was 19. That's where our situations may differ. But where it could be similar... I'm 2 years older than you and feel too young to be getting that serious. What makes me think I'm right in that thinking is the simple fact that I planned to marry this girl for about 5 years, and now realize us breaking it off was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was "happy" and "content" and I mistook that for "ready" and "settled".

 

[scorpio1138]

To the original poster, If I were you I wouldn't worry about it.

Just break it off. Don't worry about such things for another 10 years.

 

[Betamax]

Serg 897 - sounds like you are dating yourself, a mirror of you (except with boobs and vagina), that's why you are bored. Yes, have a few similar interests, but you need someone who is different, a bit of challenge.

My wife, who is French, and is wired up differently in any case. Our differences are vast, but its these that make the magic flow.

Go for somebody different next time...

 

[Fuglydude]

Hey all,

I once again return to this website seeking perspective on a new problem for me. I have no doubt that many of you have already experienced this.

Simply, as the title says, Im afflicted with “grass is always greener” syndrome. I am seeing a woman who has given me basically everything I want in a relationship, yet my heart is not in it 100%, possibly for this very reason. It is the paradox of dating.

I have been seeing this girl for several months. We have many things in common and some great chemistry. She is a beer snob like me (and she buys me good beer that we enjoy together). We share hobbies like dancing. She watches nerdy sci fi shows with me, no problem. We also like the same music. She was even around with her full support while I was studying my ass off for the qualifying exam that I just got through, the big @ss test every graduate student has to take mid-way through to prove you are worthy of candidacy.

Yet, sometimes when Im out with her she feels clingy. Like a ball n’ chain. I cant stop myself from looking at other women, or imagining myself trying to work my game on them. She wants to talk to me everyday and its easy to get tired of her. Also, the sex has gotten dull, and its not very good – to the point where I am losing interest.

Hence my conundrum. It is now time to make a choice. I have gone far enough with this without committing officially and she would like to be exclusive. So now its either this woman or back to single life. And this choice has to be made soon, as she will not wait forever.

Im fully aware that there is no right or wrong answer here. I also think I know which direction most of the replies are going to go. I just want to know how other dudes have handled this problem and how you have felt afterwards.

Thanks for reading,
-Serg

Its good to see that you're dealing with this prior to going exclusive with her. It'll save you a lot of issues down the road.

You're 23 years old, a grad student, and have your whole entire life ahead of you. Sometimes you just gotta look inside yourself to see if you're actually ready to settle down. Based on what you're saying it doesn't sound like you are.

In my opinion guys have no business getting into LTRs unless you wanna make babies with the girl, get married and raise a family. I've only EVER had one gf and we're engaged now. Obviously I've slept around, etc, but these girls never got more than FB status.

I agree that its tough to find someone that you get along with that well, however, if she's really that into you, she may be available to you if you wanna settle down with her later on. How's the sex? I've been with my fiance for over 4 years, and the sex has always been awesome, even now, she loves being treated like my phuck doll.

Its perfectly natural to check out other girls. Me and my fiance check out other people all the time. We're both competitive physique athletes, so a part of this is just commenting on whether someone is in great shape, etc.

Personally I think way too many end up settling for girls that aren't right for them. This is evidenced by the high divorce rates in our society, and all the horrible break up crap you hear about everywhere. I think an ideal relationship should be one based on mutual respect, admiration/attraction coupled with complementarity. Both partners should be able to drive the other to become the best person they can be. Obviously sex is pretty important as well. Overall your significant other should be someone that you're proud to call your wife/gf/fiance, etc.

Just tell the girl you're not ready to settle down. I'd definitely keep her around for sexual purposes. Get in elite shape, and the girls will line up to bend over for you.

 

[Slickster]

You know what the real irony is?

You'll break up with her, regret it for a little while, then start dating again. You'll hear your ex is seeing someone else, probably get jealous and really regret it for a bit. You'll eventually find someone else, hook up and settle into another relationship that undoubtedly will end up boring you too. She'll do things that annoy you and sometimes you'll wish you could find another girl just like your ex. One day you'll happen upon your ex and wish you were still banging her. :yes:

This scenario plays itself out over and over for guys who date and have multiple relationships.

There isn't really a right answer here. The argument that you are young makes some sense while you are young, but once you start getting older and have been thru this over and over many times you'll start to wonder.

Some guys get lucky and meet that special someone who they really have a connection with. Other guys can spend their whole lives bouncing around never finding that one woman who they have a great bond with. Some end up settling and that's not great either.

If somehow you do get lucky then you face another conundrum. Once you open yourself up to taking your relationship to a higher level you begin to wonder. Is this special someone really that special or is it the fact that you are now ready to open yourself up to the possibility of connecting on another level with women?

It's around this time you'll look back at some of your past relationships and realize that those "great girls" who just had "something" missing weren't really missing anything in particular at all. It was more the fact that YOU weren't ready for them or to take things to the next level.

Only you know what will make you happy. Life is one great big choose your own adventure book.

Your girl sounds pretty cool and fun. A lot of guys would be lucky to have her. You could do a lot worse. However experience is a valuable thing that can only be attained by making mistakes.

 

[scorpio1138]

Very wise Slickster.

 

[neghitzbrah]

It was more the fact that YOU weren't ready for them or to take things to the next level.

Only you know what will make you happy. Life is one great big choose your own adventure book.

Your girl sounds pretty cool and fun. A lot of guys would be lucky to have her. You could do a lot worse. However experience is a valuable thing that can only be attained by making mistakes.

That is definitely irony. Serg, you need to do what is right for you, at this time. Don't hold out on the relationship because you think it'll get any better. And getting married doesn't solve anything.

I broke off my engagement, and I don't regret that whatsoever. Like what slickster said, you will regret it for a bit... but you most likely will regret it even more if you don't do anything, now.

Both of you guys that were in 5,6 year relationships --- do you both regret staying monogamous that long?

I have no regrets about my past. My past made me who I am today. You shouldn't have any regrets either.

And think about it, if you guys were meant to be then you will find each other again, some how.

 

[Serg897]

Slickster, its posts like yours that remind me why I go back to this forum.

I dont really buy the "you're still young" argument. It seems like a cheap cop-out the obscures the larger issue at work here, one that ultimately has to do with the human condition itself. The Buddhists problably knew a thing or two when they spoke of happiness coming from within, and not from anything external.

One of my good friends from college is 23 also. He is getting married this summer to his high school sweetheart and I will be best man at his wedding. He spent his college years chasing other women and banging them, but ultimately decided to settle with the one he is marrying. Now, is this guy a fool, one that hasnt realized his potential and has completely wasted opportunity, or did he just find another way to be happy? Who knows.

I am leaning towards staying with her. The kind of companionship she offers is rare, at least in my experience. I tell myself that if I really want to break up with her later I can (Im definitely not getting married), but who knows, it might be even more difficult than this down the road.

 

[handle]

I had this feeling. Broke up with her, ****ed some other girls, and then thankfully we got back together. You have to think carefully about this stuff. Make sure it isn't just "grass is greener" -- sit down and think logically about why you want other girls.