Got girl pregnant

[Jarton]

Hey guys, new to all this Don Juan business, so I have a question here.

Back in November I got with this chick for a month and had unprotected sex given I was told of her birth control. I know, stupid of me. But anyway we split soon after because of what I percieve as my old beta afc behaviors. Anyway... A couple weeks ago I got a text from her, the first since the split, saying she's 11 weeks pregnant and that it is definitely mine. We met up and I saw the sonograph and papers etc.

I realize she could be lying as to me being the father but that's something I'll wait for a paternal test to decide.

My question for you guys is that it bothers me to no end that I'm going to have a kid with someone that wants nothing to do with me at all. She's not open to getting close again so how should I proceed here? Should I move on and next her despite a possible kid and the ramifications to its upbringing? Could that attract her or piss her off further if I do move on?

I realize me worrying about this could be afc in nature but its weird with a kid tied to her that could be mine lingering in the background. Thoughts?

 

[amoka]

Wait for the paternity test results and if the child is yours, take care of him/her. That's what you do as a man.

 

[Jarton]

Absolutely. My question is in more regards to the mother.

 

[RangerMIke]

Many of us have kids with exes... you just make it work. Trust me it works out.

Suggestion for all the DJs out there, do what I did after my kids were born, go to a sperm bank, put your boys on ice and get a vasectomy. If you later you want more kids, then use IVF.

 

[AllDay85]

She's a cu.m dumpster. Keep minimal contact till the paternity test. If it's yours, move for custody right away.

 

[Bible_Belt]

What is your location? US? What state? I presume she is going to turn you in for child support? If that happens, you may still have to initiate a legal claim to get court-ordered visitation. If she does not turn you in for support. just go with whatever she allows. If she does turn you in, then you'll need to get a court order for visitation, typically every other weekend. If you don't have the court order, then you are at her mercy as to when you get to see the kid. If you do have it, and she fails to comply, that is felony parental kidnapping and she can go to jail for it.

If you do come to an informal support agreement, keep receipts for everything you buy for the kid. Don't give her cash. If you give her money, make it a check where you write "Child support" in the memo line, and then keep a copy.

 

[Jarton]

Oh yeah, she is definitely doing child support. She is adamant on that.

NC, usa

 

[Young OG]

Oh yeah, she is definitely doing child support. She is adamant on that.

NC, usa

If your going to be paying child support then definitely make sure you get a paternity test done.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Most guys think that they get visitation automatically when they get stuck with support, but it doesn't work that way, at least in every place I know of. You may have to initiate a court proceeding to get a visitation order. Without that order, everything is at her mercy.

And obviously I agree about the paternity test. She may get a court order for one anyway.

 

[Jarton]

From what I read, yeah the court will order one done since I'm unsure and yeah I will have to initiate visitation rights myself. I am hoping I can make an agreement with her out of court because child support itself is fairly minimal. She'd get more if she would let me co-raise it and pay by check as you said. But that's if she is willing to communicate at all.

 

[Bible_Belt]

From what I read, North Carolina allows up to three years of retroactive child support. Keep that in mind if you choose an under the table agreement. It is always very easy for the woman to later claim that any money you gave her was a personal gift, which is not the same as support. Courts will assume anything you give her was a gift, and not support, unless you can prove otherwise.

 

[Jarton]

Good advice, thanks

 

[Tictac]

I realize me worrying about this could be afc in nature but its weird with a kid tied to her that could be mine lingering in the background. Thoughts?

That 'kid tied to her that could be mine' if it's yours (which you should find out about ASAP) is not lingering in the background.

He or she is YOUR kid and YOUR responsibility.

 

[Jarton]

Yes, I am aware of that and my post should have been phrased better. My main question was about if I should bother pursuing the mother again or just call it lost, though having the mother and dad not equally present in the kids life is something I assumed as a bad thing for the kids upbringing. So that's why I'm at odds with just moving on from her, not the kid. I never had any desire to abandon the kid and wouldn't.

I appreciate all the legal advice though.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Yes, I am aware of that and my post should have been phrased better. My main question was about if I should bother pursuing the mother again or just call it lost, though having the mother and dad not equally present in the kids life is something I assumed as a bad thing for the kids upbringing. So that's why I'm at odds with just moving on from her, not the kid. I never had any desire to abandon the kid and wouldn't.

I appreciate all the legal advice though.

No woman wants to be "chosen" by a man, by default (she's the only woman left) or obligation (pregnancy).

Women want to be "chosen" for their "specialness." Any pursuing now, will be perceived as done out of obligation (to co-parent as a couple) and immediately dismissed.

If you truly want to see if there is potential for the two of you, (as a woman) I would suggest do not pursue in anyway. Her biggest awareness will be on what kind of father you are choosing to be. Are you choosing to be involved with her in the pregnancy process? Reach out and check in and see how she's feeling with all the changes in her body, on occasion. Keep it caring and brief. It is super important that women take prenatal vitamins when they are pregnant (for the health of the baby). You can ask her if she needs help purchasing them or straight offer to keep her stocked on whatever brand she chooses. You can express interest at attending some of the significant doctor visits (go to hear the heart beat, see the baby and learn the sex by ultrasound). Do these things with positive regard for the child and for her, strictly as the mother of your child.

Do NOT come onto her. Show her you are a man of strength, one to be respected and admired. If you need a better job or occupation to support your kid or potential family, take action and make change to make that happen. Acknowledge that as the mother of your child, you want always to have open and positive communication. The most direct I would be is to tell her that her well-being, as the mother of your child, will always be important to you. You get the idea. Help figure out what is still needed for the baby (after the baby shower) before the baby comes home. If you expect to share custody, and visitation, be not confrontative but upfront, that you intend to be in your child's life on a regular basis. As awkward as it may feel, set up times to visit with your newborn, in her home, when the baby is still days old.

SHOWING her by your actions how important your child is to you, and doing so with kindness and consideration to her, is your best shot in my opinion. Down the road, likely not till a fair while after she has recovered from giving birth and not sleeping for months because of nightly feedings, if you are still being consistent, she will look at you with a new level of respect, admiration and consideration. She will give you consideration before any other if what she perceives you have to offer is going to serve her and "her" child. It's a longterm game in my opinion. Her hormones and emotions will be all over the map in the meanwhile. If she knows or hears you are out busy being a player, she'll dismiss you in an instant. She's no longer just looking for her, she's looking for a MAN to take care of her and "her" child.

*****HUGE DISCLAIMER********
If the odds are high that it is not your child, I would NOT get involved in attending the doctor visits and anything that will have you bond with a child, only to learn it is not yours.
******SECOND DISCLAIMER*******
Just because she is the mother of your child, she decides she does want to be with you, STOP and REALLY CONSIDER how truly compatible you are as a couple, before proceeding just because you share a child.
She will be in your life, as long as you are both alive. Always be respectful, kind and considerate. Anything less and you will pay for exponentially in stress, drama, unnecessary ill will, for a long, long time.

 

[LiveYourDream]

You can get a non-invasive prenatal paternity test, at just 14 weeks pregnant, for roughly $1000!

The sooner you know for certain that it is your child, or not, the better for you, regardless of the outcome.

I'd consider it money very well spent.

You don't want to ride the roller coaster of a pregnancy to find out it's not yours. You do want to be involved and plan as needed, if it is yours. I'd research best non-invasive options and prices and do it as soon as she hits 14 weeks.

http://www.prenatalgeneticscenter.com/services/prenatal-dna-paternity-test/

 

[marmel75]

From what I read, North Carolina allows up to three years of retroactive child support. Keep that in mind if you choose an under the table agreement. It is always very easy for the woman to later claim that any money you gave her was a personal gift, which is not the same as support. Courts will assume anything you give her was a gift, and not support, unless you can prove otherwise.

That's why you always give it to her in check or money order form with "<Month> Child Support" in the memo section and make a copy of it for your records.

 

[YawataNoKami]

Hey guys, new to all this Don Juan business, so I have a question here.

Back in November I got with this chick for a month and had unprotected sex given I was told of her birth control. I know, stupid of me. But anyway we split soon after because of what I percieve as my old beta afc behaviors. Anyway... A couple weeks ago I got a text from her, the first since the split, saying she's 11 weeks pregnant and that it is definitely mine. We met up and I saw the sonograph and papers etc.

I realize she could be lying as to me being the father but that's something I'll wait for a paternal test to decide.

My question for you guys is that it bothers me to no end that I'm going to have a kid with someone that wants nothing to do with me at all. She's not open to getting close again so how should I proceed here? Should I move on and next her despite a possible kid and the ramifications to its upbringing? Could that attract her or piss her off further if I do move on?

I realize me worrying about this could be afc in nature but its weird with a kid tied to her that could be mine lingering in the background. Thoughts?

http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewforum.php?f=12 do it RIGHT NOW. Register and in the Before and During Divorce Forum ask your questions( doesn't matter if you are not married). Be precise and INCLUDE THE STATE. Bible Belt is right , child support does not gave you visitations rights. Do not pay anything in cash to this woman,use e-mails (no text) for anything related to this pregnancy , start reading your state laws regarding child support , visitations , residency etc ,visit and register to that forum right now and next time use a fvcking condom.

 

[El Payaso]

Kinda strange that a woman can decide to forfeit her parental rights through abortion or adoption at any time but a man has no choice and is forced to pay even if he doesn't want the kid.

 

[Epimanes]

You know what's sad? ... The mentality of society today. Especially what I read here... "Spin more plates" "fvck more chicks" .... Result? Unwanted pregnancies..maybe you ill have a daughter... Likely scenerio? She developes daddy issues because of lack of presence... Maybe you have a son.. Likely scenerio? He hates womeen because his mom either emasculates him because of no dad around or... He doesn't learn respect becasue of crazy mom... Either way he becomes a plate spinner... Non commital...that's what I see in society.. No one wants to commit to anything anymore... When the going gets tough... The tough get going... And more often than not abandon their kids and create more selfish like minded uncommited people... Then guys like many here today wonder why the women are all messed up and bpd and bat **** crazy.... Rinse repeat... Rinse repeat... No I'm not blaming you OP... Its going to happen... I also don't know you or your circumstances... I just see this pattern time and time again... It continues to repeat itself. Perpetually creating messed up people... Its a vicious cycle....guys wana get their dycks wet... And ladies want financial security...sex should not be taken for granted... And only with someone who you are prepared to commit to in the event a pregnancy does occur... (I teach it to my kids this way) ... Maybe I'm biased... Maybe I'm being an azz for saying this stuff.. But it rings a chord in me because I and I'm sure many others here are the result of similar scenerios... Pray its not yours and run if its not... If it is yours... Do everything in your power to be involved with your kids in everything possible... Because if it is yours.. Life is no longer about you... Its about your kid now til he/she is of legal age. Good luck..