Got dumped for being "more into it than her"

[mtnbiker]

I was single for a long time. There were women I went on multiple dates with over the years, but no real relationships. Many FWB's though. I decided that I wanted to try to meet someone interested in a real relationship, so I joined Match and after a couple poor matches this women contacted me. We met at a local music festival and hit it off. We went on a few more dates. She then, after just a month, invited me to a family get together for one of her brother's sons BDay's. They all seemingly liked me and her two cousins, about her age, texted her that they all approved. She forwarded this text to me. At this point I was thinking, "Great, she is into me just like I am into her". A couple weeks later we went on a three day beach vacation. This was about seven weeks into the relationship. One night, after we had both had been drinking, I said I love you to her and she replied that she was "almost there". A week later we hung out on Friday and Saturday night at her place, which is ~50 minutes away, and went to a movie and to a lookout point one night and just a dinner and pub the next. Then the following week she became distant and cancelled a plan to go hiking. I sensed that for whatever reason she was preparing to end things. Then the next Friday she texted me that she "really missed me and wished I was there and that I wish I didn't have these plans already made for the weekend as I want to be with you." That Sunday she said she'd come to my place on her way home from the trip. When she didn't I texted and said that we seemed to be having a little difficulty in communicating. This led to a phone call where she said she no longer wanted to be together and felt we should not talk anymore at all either. She said that she felt bad that she was not as into me as I was to her and that it was not fair to me. We had been intimate since our third date, which was before the beach vacation. I do not believe there is a nother man, but obviously I could be wrong.
So I have given her space and not tried talking to her since, which was nine days ago. While I am no longer crushed I do still think about her and think about maybe reconnecting. She was the first women I truly liked as a person first and physical attraction came afterwards, so I thought it was distinctly different.
What do I do now?

 

[betheman]

...
One night, after we had both had been drinking, I said I love you to her ...
What do I do now?

too quick = too needy, I suspect you gave off this vibe during the relationship as well.

what do you do now? you become extremely cool, you dotn contact her, you dont reply to any contact from her, get busy, get another woman/women. I reckon there is another guy in the background also

 

[mtnbiker]

You may be/probably are absloutely correct. It just seemed like she was so completely into me with her actions more than her words before the last week. She always grabbed my hand and put her arm around me and often initiated the sex. We had many similar interests and got along fantastically.
Is there any validity to my thinking that she simply got scared of getting too serious and that she still likes me? I am 32 she is 27.

 

[bigneil]

You turned her off at some point. Or you didn't turn her on as much as someone else.

Take 2 months off, get back to 15% body fat and she'll suddenly like you again.

 

[mtnbiker]

I suspect you are correct that I turned her off at some point.
I am actually at about 9%. I did make her "shake" the last time we were intimate and she expressed all day how amazing that was, which was obviously a huge ego boost to me.

This one is going to be hard to just forget about, can I move on from her yes. First woman I cared for more for "her" than mostly physically. Wish I had done things right with her.

So how do I keep this from happening the next time I find someone I truly like?

 

[MisterD]

The man can't care. It's sad but true. He just can't. I've never seen a relationship last in which the man cares more than the woman. Either he gets used and walks away after getting tired of being used, or the girl gets bored of him and loses interest and dumps him. I've really been working on my apathy and it's been doing wonders for me in terms of my mental health. I don't care about any chick. I'm just looking for a good time. If they're not sleeping with me, I'm not talking to them. Life is too short to worry about stuff and not get what you want.

 

[mtnbiker]

The man can't care. It's sad but true. He just can't. I've never seen a relationship last in which the man cares more than the woman. Either he gets used and walks away after getting tired of being used, or the girl gets bored of him and loses interest and dumps him. I've really been working on my apathy and it's been doing wonders for me in terms of my mental health. I don't care about any chick. I'm just looking for a good time. If they're not sleeping with me, I'm not talking to them. Life is too short to worry about stuff and not get what you want.

So you were somewhat like me in the past? Don't you ever miss the feeling of being loved and loving back?

 

[MisterD]

So you were somewhat like me in the past? Don't you ever miss the feeling of being loved and loving back?

I've never been in love. I've had to drop some girls who were absolutely crazy about me because I didn't feel the same for them and didn't want to string them along. I've been in lust, but I've never "loved" a woman. To be honest I don't believe in the boyfriend/girlfriend thing either. But that may change. I'm 24 and in college, I have no interest in falling in love or settling down.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Two things killed this for you:

1. Meeting the family - with only a month in, that was waaaaay too soon. That's something you do after 6 months when things have been going well for a decent amount of time.

2. Doing a 3-day vacation - again waaaay too soon. Without a solid relationship foundation, those long trips can prove to be relationship killers. Its no one but u and her for 3 days straight, 72 hours together non stop, which gives her plenty of time to find out stuff about u she doesn't like - habits, mannerisms, etc. - thats she wouldn't see on a 2-3 hour date with you.

Ultimately, you moved too fast. Yes, she may have suggested these activities, but you have to say "no" to a girl sometimes and keep the pacing of things at a slower level. As for this girl, if she hits u up don't even try mentioning u and her again unless she brings it up; meantime, take some time to yourself, reassess how u currently pace yourself in relationships and start again with someone else.

 

[youngmack]

So how do you develop apathy towards women? I find that i care too often and i get burned. The girls i dont care for i always have them in the palm of my hands, but when i actually care for a girl its the other way around.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

This led to a phone call where she said she no longer wanted to be together and felt we should not talk anymore at all either. She said that she felt bad that she was not as into me as I was to her and that it was not fair to me. We had been intimate since our third date, which was before the beach vacation. I do not believe there is a nother man, but obviously I could be wrong.

It is another man. For sure.

1) She's worried about what's fair to you??? :crackup: Since when do women you just meet care more about you than they care about themselves? This act is a guilt-free reflex. She is trying to make it easier on herself by claiming to breakup for your own good. Ridiculous.

2) You met her online. Do you realize how many guys are messaging girls online and how many options they have?

3) Girls NEVER drop a good thing until they have something else that is at least as good.

Move on, never look back and never take her back if she phones.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Dude it's always another guy. Sucks, but true.

How does one go apathetic? Care more emotionally about your hobbies, career, etc. than her while giving her great sex and being funny and entertaining when not having sex.

 

[MisterD]

So how do you develop apathy towards women? I find that i care too often and i get burned. The girls i dont care for i always have them in the palm of my hands, but when i actually care for a girl its the other way around.

You really have to not care. You can't fake it. You really have to not care what the results will be. Meaning don't get upset when she flakes, but don't get excited when she calls/texts. The same attitude in any situation. Unfortunately I usually only get to this point when the girl has wronged me to the point of no return, and they end up trying to do things to win me over but the damage has been done. I never faked not-caring, it's always been genuine.

 

[mtnbiker]

Two things killed this for you:

1. Meeting the family - with only a month in, that was waaaaay too soon. That's something you do after 6 months when things have been going well for a decent amount of time.

2. Doing a 3-day vacation - again waaaay too soon. Without a solid relationship foundation, those long trips can prove to be relationship killers. Its no one but u and her for 3 days straight, 72 hours together non stop, which gives her plenty of time to find out stuff about u she doesn't like - habits, mannerisms, etc. - thats she wouldn't see on a 2-3 hour date with you.

Ultimately, you moved too fast. Yes, she may have suggested these activities, but you have to say "no" to a girl sometimes and keep the pacing of things at a slower level. As for this girl, if she hits u up don't even try mentioning u and her again unless she brings it up; meantime, take some time to yourself, reassess how u currently pace yourself in relationships and start again with someone else.

Good advice, thanks.

 

[mtnbiker]

It is another man. For sure.

1) She's worried about what's fair to you??? :crackup: Since when do women you just meet care more about you than they care about themselves? This act is a guilt-free reflex. She is trying to make it easier on herself by claiming to breakup for your own good. Ridiculous.

2) You met her online. Do you realize how many guys are messaging girls online and how many options they have?

3) Girls NEVER drop a good thing until they have something else that is at least as good.

Move on, never look back and never take her back if she phones.

She did delete her profile on Match after our second date, I only know this because she asked me if I had deleted mine ater about 6 weeks. I didn't know they rolled over billing, but before I deleted my profile I checked to see if hers was no longer there.
The last part about moving on I agree with the need of doing, thanks.

 

[mtnbiker]

Since I have already essentially resigned to moving on, and most definitely decided to never initiate contact....would there be any joy in calling her on her B.S.? As in send a text saying "I know you left for another guy and were too cowardess to tell me the truth", or "good luck with the new guy"?

 

[DonJuanabe]

The word is cowardly not cowardess - if you send her a message make sure the spelling and grammar are correct. That said, no, you should not send that to her. Why? Because she will know that you are butt hurt -- and you are. And what are you going to do if she replies: "That's right, and his c0ck is enormous and I love it when he f*cks me hard every night, I get so wet thinking about him c*mming inside me as I wrap my legs around him oh it feels so good. So, are you a lefty?"

You have to let it go.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Since I have already essentially resigned to moving on, and most definitely decided to never initiate contact....would there be any joy in calling her on her B.S.? As in send a text saying "I know you left for another guy and were too cowardess to tell me the truth", or "good luck with the new guy"?

No point in calling a girl on her BS. They will find a way to reverse rationalize everything. They think we're stupid and it will do you no good. You know the truth. And that's good enough for you. You at least have the information you need to deal with her trying to initiate contact if she ever does again when things don't work out with the other guy. You can burn her then with a sharply worded text, but not now. :yes:

On girls using BS reverse rationalization. I was supposed to meet a girl I met online after we chatted for a while. We set up a date and then she cancelled the day before. She said she had "errands". A few days later the other week, I contact her again. She says that she actually "just met" a guy and want to see where it goes. I said, "oh, so he was your "errands" ". She comes back to me with "whatever, I met him after the cancelled date".

:crackup: Right. Like I'm that stupid. She suddenly by some miracle met a guy a few days after she suddenly cancelled our plans due to "errands". Who cancels a date because of "errands"? There is no doubt that she is lying and I don't even need a confession. If she ever does phone me again, I will play her game and then tell her to f*uck off.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

So how do you develop apathy towards women? I find that i care too often and i get burned. The girls i dont care for i always have them in the palm of my hands, but when i actually care for a girl its the other way around.

Ah, to be 17 again... so glad that will NEVER happen. My dating life sucked back then, and it was primarily because of this right here: I cared too much.

What I have found is, it's not necessarily about having apathy for women. On some level you DO want to care for them, so being completely apathetic to them personally isn't the answer.

What you have to be apathetic to is the OUTCOME of what will or won't happen with them. And the only way to NOT put so much focus and emphasis on how the outcome will affect your emotions is to become more confident in yourself.

For example: you have to KNOW, inside and out, that you're a GREAT person, one that has goals, desires, and achievements that make you great. You have to KNOW that you're a person who's caring, kind, willing to help others... you have to KNOW what your boundaries are, what you are willing to accept and not accept from other people. (This means not being afraid to say "no" to anything you don't agree with, be it a situation or someone trying to convince you to do something you're against.)

If you are able to believe that you are, in fact, a great person - one that any woman would be lucky to get with - you will find yourself less affected when a woman starts acting flaky towards you. Instead of thinking, "oh no, she's going to leave me, what will I do?!?" you'll be thinking "oh man, she's going to leave me? Oh well, her loss, not mine" instead.

At 17, that can be hard to do, especially since you're at the high-tail end of puberty when emotions can run high over the dumbest thing at times. But believe me, girls at any age can tell when a guy is not confident in himself. It comes out in the little things they do to try and keep them around, like calling too much or telling them too much about how you feel about them. These are things that make women head for the hills, despite what you may have been told.

So, remember: the more confident you are in yourself, the easier it will be to have apathy towards your outcome with women. This will get easier over time to display; in the meantime, just be patient with any new girls you meet, and don't try to rush in too fast.

 

[zekko]

I know what they say here, but it is NOT ALWAYS another guy. Most of the time it is, but not always.