Got dumped for another guy because I acted beta...how can I win her back?

[DreamAgain]

Hi all,

I know this post goes against forum principles. But hear me out first, I've been seeing this girl on and off for 2 years. Much of the problems in the relationship were my fault...I pushed her away when she wanted me to pull, and otherwise just didn't read some situations correctly.

This is a girl that otherwise has everything I'm looking for: good family values, prioritizes education, is not addicted to social media, beautiful...except for one problem. She has a lot of orbiters, due to the fact that she is an in demand good looking woman. I tolerated this, after all what did it matter to me because I was still the priority, and didn't lose frame...but things took a turn for the worse.

I noticed she was less receptive to my texts, when she would normally initiate she stopped doing...when I called her out on it and mentioned that maybe she should talk to some new orbiter entering her solar system instead of talking to me, she got very upset and froze me out since then.

The problem is, instead of holding firm in my action, I caved...my past instances of mistreating her gave me a guilty conscience (again, nothing major, just being more considerate to her, maybe giving her more affection when she was looking for it, etc). It was at this point I realized that I have oneitis and I began to fear I would lose her. I began apologizing, not only for that but for things in the past. I started being annoying for her to see me and to hear me out. She turned me down several times but eventually agreed, and when we met up she was very cold and distant. Needless to say, I reaffirmed again that I loved her, and that I should have let her know more often instead of being aloof.

So, here I am, 4 days into No Contact after I sent her some stupid text messages where she gave me some very terse replies. I would love for her to end No Contact because I feel like my beta supplicating is only working against me, but conversely, I feel that I f*cked up with my aloofness and some orbiter seized the opportunity to jump in when she was feeling emotionally alone.

What is my next move now? Stay firm with No Contact until she messages me? Maybe wait another week and then send out a feeler text? I must admit the fact that she has a lot of orbiters has given me some competition anxiety, so I feel if I do nothing, that will in fact just finish things for good.

 

[marmel75]

You can't, simple as that. More to the point, you shouldn't want to.

Read the DJ Bible, go find other women and don't make the same mistakes again.

 

[DreamAgain]

I know this is the right answer...but it's hard to do. Imagine in your mind a checklist of everything you're looking for in a girl. Well, this one has it, and I've seen many girls and gone out many times, so I know finding one like her will be quite difficult. I realize this is a statement of desperation...but it is simply the truth, which I am ready to accept, but I want to give it one more shot before I move on.

I feel like there is a spark left to reignite, but I just don't know how, especially since this orbiter jumped in and is now the shiny new object that her focus is on. If I stall out with No Contact, I may lose any remaining chance I have, but if I cave, I will further delve into the supplicating rat hole.

Moral of the story is, when dealing with a high quality, in demand woman, don't slip up. There is really always another guy in the shadows waiting to swoop in. And now it is costing me, so if nothing else maybe this post will help aware some other guys of this reality.

 

[Billtx49]

Question is, you feel there is a spark left, but you do not know how she feels. Leave it in the past and accept that you will probably never know. Life does not always provide answers.

 

[Reykhel]

WHAT THE FVCK IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT ANY WOMAN THAT YOU NEED TO STAY IN HER LIFE

Jesus Christ, be the star of your own life, not the unknown supporting actor to princess bleeding diana.....

Why don't you ask yourself what is so special about her life, that you cannot create with your own. You see needing to be in
somebody else's life is something that is outside your control.......creating your own kick ass life is something that's in your control...

One is built of fvcking quicksand, the other is built on a solid foundation that takes time and a lot of graft. But at least you hold the key....

Concentrate on building a happy single life that is so rich, fun and fulfilling that you have to ask yourself....."where the fvck would I fit a ltr in my life?"

she has orbitors in her life? boo hoo it's of your control. What's in your control? You go and spin plates and you get orbitors and options in
your life.....

Forget this biatch and rip up that stupid blue print you have in your mind for what makes the perfect princess......por favor

 

[DreamAgain]

You guys are right, this is the problem when you get oneitis...the highs are higher than with any other girl I've been, but now the lows just seem so painful that I'm straight up acting like a b*tch.

I was never even like this, girls have always been the ones chasing me. This one just caught me, some nights with her felt so right, unlike any other flings I've had, that the thoughts crossed my mind that she might be the one. But, because I knew I had a lot of competition, I always thought I had to keep my game tight otherwise she would lose respect for me, and that's exactly what happened.

I'll stay no contact and focus on myself like you guys suggested, but if she reaches out I will try to make a gameplan to somehow express interest without being needy. I want to just give it one more shot before I move on though.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Imagine in your mind a checklist of everything you're looking for in a girl. Well, this one has it, a

BS.

You've been hypnotized by scarcity. When you can't have something, it magically becomes PERFECT.

Every so-so girl becomes PERFECT the moment they dump you. It's mother nature's way of ensuring we dumb monkeys continue to propagate.

The more you chase, the more she'll flee and the more PERFECT she'll become.

Just like fat people KNOW that eating is bad, they can't help eating,and just like you, they come up with a million reasons why it's OK.

But it's not.

She's done, finished, over.

Find somebody else.

Harsh but true.

 

[Speculator E]

This situation is salvageable depending on how beta you went. If it wasn't too much then your next move is just leave her alone so she can have time to start missing you. Even if she has found someone else chances her feeling for the new guy aren't as strong as her feeling for you yet. Give it a few week to a month. Then you can try reaching out.

 

[DreamAgain]

I basically started telling her how much she meant to me, that I didn't appreciate her enough etc...bad I know, but I felt that was the play I should have done when I noticed her interest was taking a steep fall. However it seems that I should have done the exact opposite in retrospect.

Afterwards I started reminding her about all the good times we shared, little examples that from before she would talk about so enthusiastically with me. Now, when I mentioned them, she just gave me indifference and almost didn't care. I then got a little angry and asked her how she could just throw that all away, and she pretty much just ignored this point.

I don't feel like everything is done because according to the high score theory ideas I've seen on this site, I think I'm pretty high on the list considering the other competition I know of. However, when I was with this girl, I would see her phone blow up from various "friends". Granted, I knew most of them, or so I thought, and knew that I was better than them, and hence she would openly mock them while she was with me. However, there were obviously some I didn't know about, and while she would entertain them as just friends, I should have known eventually that if I slipped up, one of them would come out of the shadows, which is what I think happened.

Like you said though, assuming all is not lost, I think the best idea at this point is to wait for a while before doing anything else.

 

[Speculator E]

I empathize because I've been in your shoes before. The guy friends is one big **** test but there are boundaries. It sound like you tolerated it more out fear that you would piss her off and lose her than you not really caring. I know because I thought the same way with a previous hot exgf. She had orbiters but I thought I was better then them all. But in the end I was just fooling myself. That's where you and I lost our power when we develop oneitis. Our power is the ability to walk away from a relationship that is bad. Women only respect power. When we gave our power away they lose respect. Hence they leave. The best thing you can do at this point is to try to use the time to learn from this. Analyze what you did wrong and note it for the future. Good Luck. I think you're on the right path. Don't try to make it a focus hoping your ex will try to come back. Instead focus on other areas of your life right now. GL.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

You guys are right, this is the problem when you get oneitis...the highs are higher than with any other girl I've been, but now the lows just seem so painful that I'm straight up acting like a b*tch.

I was never even like this, girls have always been the ones chasing me. This one just caught me, some nights with her felt so right, unlike any other flings I've had, that the thoughts crossed my mind that she might be the one. But, because I knew I had a lot of competition, I always thought I had to keep my game tight otherwise she would lose respect for me, and that's exactly what happened.

I'll stay no contact and focus on myself like you guys suggested, but if she reaches out I will try to make a gameplan to somehow express interest without being needy. I want to just give it one more shot before I move on though.

This just strikes me as sad. As the nature of a relationship changes, as it deepens, doesn't the nature of your 'game' need to change. It is situational.... and then depends on the nature of that particular woman. A woman expects intimacy in a LTR not distance/ aloofness. Here you need to be open and make yourself vulnerable in order to experience L. The exact opposite of supposing there are iron-clad rules to game.

OK, concrete advice. You feel you have lost her due to aloofness. More aloofness will not solve that. Why not write her a letter telling her how you feel. What have you got to lose except a little pride?

 

[DreamAgain]

This just strikes me as sad. As the nature of a relationship changes, as it deepens, doesn't the nature of your 'game' need to change. It is situational.... and then depends on the nature of that particular woman. A woman expects intimacy in a LTR not distance/ aloofness. Here you need to be open and make yourself vulnerable in order to experience L. The exact opposite of supposing their are some iron-clad rules to game.

OK, concrete advice. You feel you have lost her due to aloofness. More aloofness will not solve that. Why not write her a letter telling her how you feel. What have you got to lose except a little pride?

The problem is I told her this in person, and she was cold/distant when I did...that's why I think I need to back off for a bit, but again, I'm not sure exactly for how long.

I did express affection to her, but it fluctuated, because I knew I couldn't let her know she "had" me. It was almost like a balancing act I had to try to calculate as time went on, sounds ridiculous I know.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

The problem is I told her this in person, and she was cold/distant when I did...that's why I think I need to back off for a bit, but again, I'm not sure exactly for how long.

I did express affection to her, but it fluctuated, because I knew I couldn't let her know she "had" me. It was almost like a balancing act I had to try to calculate as time went on, sounds ridiculous I know.

Yeah, give her some space. Then write a letter.

This second part you write shows how an overly gamey mind-set can damage a relationship. Game 101 should be reserved for very casual affairs. A deepening relationship should also involve a deepening of feelings and mindset on the man's part. The relationship grows, it is organic. You simply need to change gears when the time is appropriate. Be pragmatic, and don't mistake an ideology for principles.

 

[marmel75]

I know this is the right answer...but it's hard to do. Imagine in your mind a checklist of everything you're looking for in a girl. Well, this one has it, and I've seen many girls and gone out many times, so I know finding one like her will be quite difficult. I realize this is a statement of desperation...but it is simply the truth, which I am ready to accept, but I want to give it one more shot before I move on.

I feel like there is a spark left to reignite, but I just don't know how, especially since this orbiter jumped in and is now the shiny new object that her focus is on. If I stall out with No Contact, I may lose any remaining chance I have, but if I cave, I will further delve into the supplicating rat hole.

Moral of the story is, when dealing with a high quality, in demand woman, don't slip up. There is really always another guy in the shadows waiting to swoop in. And now it is costing me, so if nothing else maybe this post will help aware some other guys of this reality.

Brother, the minute you ever believe any woman is better than you is the moment you already lost. Take this woman off the pedestal you have her on and see her as a person with flaws just like every other person.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Totally turns me off to have competition like this, I start to feel like the vag is a dirty garage with a greasy floor.

 

[Bayne05]

When she stops being receptive it means you've been replaced, game over it's done. She has moved on and you should do the same, it was good while it lasted. That spark you looking for doesn't exist anymore infact you slowly descending into the obsessive ex boyfriend. Don't be that guy, move on

 

[Reykhel]

This just strikes me as sad. As the nature of a relationship changes, as it deepens, doesn't the nature of your 'game' need to change. It is situational.... and then depends on the nature of that particular woman. A woman expects intimacy in a LTR not distance/ aloofness. Here you need to be open and make yourself vulnerable in order to experience L. The exact opposite of supposing there are iron-clad rules to game.

OK, concrete advice. You feel you have lost her due to aloofness. More aloofness will not solve that. Why not write her a letter telling her how you feel. What have you got to lose except a little pride?

Write her a letter telling her how you feel? Curiosity. Explain why he should do that.

Meanwhile.....do not write her a fvcking letter. Have some dignity. What will it achieve? You'll maybe boost her ego a little bit and she'll feel it was cute. But cute don't garner RESPECT AND ADORATION.......which is the only way a woman will every genuinely feel anything for you...

What's the point in telling her how you feel? She's only interested in how she feels. That's all you should be looking at right now too......THE LEVEL OF HER INTEREST.

If her interest level is gone or at an all time low (it has to be to dump you) then telling her how you feel ain't going to raise.

Law 16: use absence to increase respect and honor
http://48laws-of-power.blogspot.com.es/2011/05/law-16-use-absence-to-increase-respect.html

The game never ends. "making yourself vulnerable" is a myth.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Write her a letter telling her how you feel? Curiosity. Explain why he should do that.

Meanwhile.....do not write her a fvcking letter. Have some dignity. What will it achieve? You'll maybe boost her ego a little bit and she'll feel it was cute. But cute don't garner RESPECT AND ADORATION.......which is the only way a woman will every genuinely feel anything for you...

What's the point in telling her how you feel? She's only interested in how she feels. That's all you should be looking at right now too......THE LEVEL OF HER INTEREST.

If her interest level is gone or at an all time low (it has to be to dump you) then telling her how you feel ain't going to raise.

Law 16: use absence to increase respect and honor
http://48laws-of-power.blogspot.com.es/2011/05/law-16-use-absence-to-increase-respect.html

The game never ends. "making yourself vulnerable" is a myth.

Well, I hear what you're saying. But I don't think it's always a case of either/ or... that one must do this or do that. There has to be a time and place for everything. A time for this policy, and a time for that policy, and then perhaps a time for no policy [the being aloof while in the relationship seems to have back-fired]. I think you'd agree there are no black and white absolutes.

As a general rule, no doubt it's helpful to follow the rules of game in this day and age. But there are always exceptions to the rule. Wheat and chaff comes to mind. The exception may be the exceptional woman you may want an LLTR with. And then only the OP knows whether that be the case.

Personally, I don't want to 'demystify', in the abstract, relationships. I think there is always the potential for what we most desire in life.

The OP will know whether a letter is warranted. No doubt he will weigh the advice of others then follow his own instincts. At least, I hope so, Actually, following your instincts is as a good rule as any to follow in relationships. It has something to do with 'prudence' I believe. There's an old-fashioned word for you. lol

 

[DreamAgain]

When she stops being receptive it means you've been replaced, game over it's done. She has moved on and you should do the same, it was good while it lasted. That spark you looking for doesn't exist anymore infact you slowly descending into the obsessive ex boyfriend. Don't be that guy, move on

I know that you're right. But I will add, I've seen how fickle girls in this day and age can be (I'm 24, she's 23), especially when she's getting bombarded by attention by her "friends". But again, I know I've fallen down the rat hole of oneitis, and figured I'd give it one more shot before I pull the plug for good, because, as cheesy as this sounds, I felt things with this girl that I haven't with the 10 others I've been with.

 

[DreamAgain]

You have a low grade, vulgar attention wh0re up on a Space Needle-sized pedestal. If only you could see what she is writing to the multitude of orbiters You could grasp this beyond any doubt.

You are analyzing this like it's the Boston Marathon not the Cleveland 5K. She held you hostage with her insecure low quality behavior the whole relationship. Yes you did not play it "perfectly" but it's a rigged game anyway.

I agree completely, if I was Tom Brady I don't think she would risk playing these games...ultimately I should just focus on bettering myself like the suggestions here say.

But, I'll still feel a pity for this whole thing going to waste, especially since I feel that a lot of the problems that arose were somewhat my fault (again, my oneitis may be blinding me here).

While No Contact is really difficult right now I know I just need to keep plowing forward, writing about it in this thread is helping me. I know she is just any other girl, but again, she had what I was looking for: Naturally pretty so she wore minimal makeup and didn't dress too sl*tty, is applying for her masters degree right now, comes from a really good family, always offered to split the bill wherever we went, was usually kind and caring, etc.