Got Dumped a week ago...

[Wasabi_Master]

Hi guys, I’m new...
Just got to get this off my chest and hopefully get advice...
my relationship of 3 1/2 years ended a week ago and i felt pretty ****ty until i read some posts here.

(my life summed up)
I was always shy around girls all the way to college. I never initiated conversations, never flirted and never asked for numbers. I hated myself for that because I always wanted them to ask me out because i was scared of being rejected. Then half way through college, I met this girl and she asked me out...and we were dating for 3 1/2 years.

(About my 3 1/2 year relationship)
I would rate her a 5 out of 10. Her interests were totally opposite of mine. I think the only reason why she fell in love with me after 1-2 months is because I constantly funded / sponsored for alcohol and fun @ parties to make sure she was happy, I believe I drank around the clock... After 6 months I stopped doing all that because I am also a gym freak and knew the alcohol was affecting my workouts... little by little we got bored of seeing each other every single day...we lived together for about a year and that didn’t work when we got into a big fight and I moved out. I stopped going to clubs / bars with her because when she got drunk, she would always fight with me. She used to cut herself before me and twice during our relationship (I got mad at her for that)....so you can see she is a bit emo or maybe borderline?

a day before my birthday we got into another drunk fight and she broke up with me... I tried to get her to come back to me by texting "I miss you" messages and finally got her flowers as a physical "I’m sorry gesture" but she rejected them and I did not talk to her since...I broke the NC rule during the initial break up because I didn’t know about NC... I learned about it last week and do you guys think its too late?

First of all I would like to know if you guys think she might be borderline and if there is a chance of her coming back to me if I keep up the NC (now is day 8). I know every single DJ here says that once it’s over, move on and find another girl...

What do I do now? Pook says I need to focus on myself and that having a GF is not the mission, its personal satisfaction/success...

I am 25 but I look 18... I go to the gym 7 days a week to look better, but some of you say its just another security while other DJs state in their tips that muscles attract.

How do I start? Is the spring boot camp a good idea?
Also a side question. I was thinking of taking ecstasy @ a club ... will that help me get over my shyness on initiating conversation with girls or will I just look like a weirdo thats sweating all over the place and grinding his teeth...

any guidance is appreciated...I see that some of you started at the bottom like me but worked their way up to being a PUA... so I know it’s possible.

 

[salmon]

I think you need to take a step back and look at the relationship objectively. Is this the girl you'd want to spend your life with? Are these the problems you want to be dealing with? If she's only a 5/10 for you, why don't you find someone better for you? You didn't give much in the details of why things ended, but your approach afterwards was a little AFC. I'd be going NC for a while at least, but certainly drop the clingy stuff -- it's never too late to close her out.

I dated a psychologist for 18 months back in my AFC days. She was rather similar to your story: probably 5/10, had moderate Generalised Anxiety Disorder, went through a couple of bouts of depression (no self-harm, though), and had some traumatic relationships in the past (one of which ended up with gynacological surgery). It took me a while to build up the courage to break up with her, but I realised that I didn't want to be checking the garage every night to make sure it was locked, or any of the dozens of things she made me do. I may sound like a bit of an ass now, but I really did have more important things to do than look after her insecurities and problems, especially since she knew the treatment was effective but refused to seek help.

It's possible that she's borderline, though it could be depression or a few other things as well.

Ecstacy may help with the shyness, but it will put you into the other end of the spectrum (which most girls aren't attracted to either). Instead, go out with some friends and have a good time at the club. Don't worry about talking to girls -- concentrate on yourself and your friends, have fun, and get more comfortable with being in the club environment. Do this a couple of times -- you may even find that, if you're having fun, girls might approach you.

Ending any LTR is hard. But as you'll find here and elsewhere many times, the best thing is to focus on yourself for a little while before getting out amongst it again.

 

[horaholic]

Why do all the noobs think that No Contact is a way to bring girls back? Dude, the whole point of No Contact is to distance yourself from her, and move on with your life without her. You are just scared to move forward with your life. Your relationship with her wasnt a good one, so the reason you want her back is because you're scared to change. You're addicted. Quit her cold turkey, she's only holding you back from finding someone who is better suited for you.

 

[SchoolBoy]

Why do all the noobs think that No Contact is a way to bring girls back? Dude, the whole point of No Contact is to distance yourself from her, and move on with your life without her. You are just scared to move forward with your life. Your relationship with her wasnt a good one, so the reason you want her back is because you're scared to change. You're addicted. Quit her cold turkey, she's only holding you back from finding someone who is better suited for you.

Exactly what I was thinking, people have a gross misconception about no contact. The main goal of no contact is to move on, but it just so happens a side effect of is that women may start chasing because they realize they are losing the attention. Once a woman has been Nc'ed, that's it, don't look back.

Drugs is a big nono. Being high on drugs to get over your anxiety or confidence issues is a total wuss move. The whole point of learning how to be a DJ is to be able to do it whenever you please, not requiring you to take drugs.

I highly recommend you to forget your ex, but if you really insist on trying to win her back. I can give you a few pointers. Apply agree and amplify by letting her know you agree with the breakup and you think it's the best idea for both of you. Then apply no contact, at this point FORGET ABOUT HER. You already planted the seed, whether it grows or not depends on your ex. Move on with your life and work on your own independent happiness.

If your ex comes crawling back at some point, it'll be your choice to take her back or not. But there's NOTHING you can do right now. Let it go.

-SchoolBoy

 

[Wasabi_Master]

thanks guys 4 the advice!
so basically for the time being (NC day 10) i should just focus on myself? like gym or study or something?
and only after NC 60 should i attempt to hit the club ?

 

[sodbuster]

Why not go to the club now? If you find a better girl, will you think about this loser? DON'T get emotionally attached to this one,date and have fun. Continue living your life and work on your mind,body,and job.

As a 50 year old, to me sex is like pizza, I can take it or leave it. When I was a little kid, I'd kill for a cheese pizza. They made other flavors,tried and liked them even better. THEN, pizza and BEER! HEAVEN! But I bought a "pizza parlor", overpaid to get rid of it; now, I'm not opposed to pizza,but I won't eat pizza I don't like or overpay for it either.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Wasabi,

You'll probably find that this is one of the biggest blessings of your life. She has been an addiction to you, much like a drug. You know full-well that she is destroying you little by little yet you can't let her go (hence the flowers and such).

You've got to let her go, Bro. You'll see that once you break contact and work on YOURSELF above all else, you will lose the craving for her and your eyes will be opened to the addictive nature of your relationship.

Dissimilar interests, drunkenness, fighting, cutting,... This is a horribly destructive dynamic that you need to extricate yourself out of.

You are very socially insecure (I would know... I grew up that way too), but the good news is that it is absolutely curable.

You need to start talking to people you meet with small pleasantries throughout the day, and I mean with both men and women. It's even ok to focus far more on men athan women to start, as they are more predictable and less threatening. After some time, you will relax more and more in social situations.

I'm speaking from experience. I've just started noticing, after recent pleasant conversations with strangers, that a year ago I would have NEVER found myself talking with them. This is the sure-fire way to working your way toward being skilled and at-ease socially. I found that by speaking to men more (and actually caring about what is going on in their lives), I have been able to be much more at ease with women.

I don't mean to make assumptions about how much of this you already know, but pehaps some newbies who are reading this can gleen something useful from it.