Going out alone - Clubbing & Bars

[Don-Kong]

Intro

These are some initial ideas which may come in useful to anyone wanting to go out alone. It's not easy when you first start out but I definitely think its great for experience.I will try to update this going forward with insights I learn along the way.
Sidenote: I've not had great experience with going out alone yet, although I have started and want to track my progress: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=217044


I have also included some links at the bottom if you too are inspired to go out alone.

1. The toughest stage of the night- on the way to the venue

You’re in the taxi approaching the club/bar. This may be the longest time of the night. You are stone cold. The main goal and intent is to warm-up. Expect that AFC chain around your neck, to try and choke the sense and guts out of you. Unhelpful thoughts will arise. So what. This is a really good sign. It shows that you are alive. You are living. You decided to get up off the couch. You decided to live your life and start building a life with more control and take action to be where you want to be. This is to be congratulated. Try and generate JOY. Anxiety can be exciting as well. Like being on a fun roller coaster. Anything can happen! Anxiety can be seen as the old self as dieing. Your old self is dead. Reborn tonight is the new version of you, a better you, the one who is truly alive.

What sort of stuff comes up....

Unhelpful doubts: AFC thoughts pre-club/bar & initial stages

1. Why am I going out alone. What will I do. What am I doing here.
2. I don’t belong there/here.
3. What am I doing.
4. Will I actually have any fun.
5. People will/are looking at me, they know I am alone.
6. I have no real friends, else they’d be here with me
7. I am nervous and lacking in confidence.
8. I’m a failure

To transform & overcome many of these unhelpful thoughts, we can consider that not all doubt is unhelpful. We should ask ourselves what is really true. And, in the search for truth, we can answer these types of question ahead of time before we go out so we can feel confident in ourself.

We can choose to believe whatever we wish. But when our mind has many doubts that fill us with anxiety, then we need to be clear in our intentions.

We can consider what does put someone in a good fun mood and be clear on our intent for going out for the evening so we don’t drown ourself in doubt.

Clear intentions

What happens when a person is clear in intent? They are confident, have an inner certainty and are flexible regarding outer circumstances. They may be less outcome dependent and more reliant on their inner world for satisfaction.

So what are your intentions when going out alone? What are you hoping to achieve, if anything?
Are you looking for a type of experience or just to practice pick-up?

It could be:

I am going out alone because I want to meet fun interesting people.
I want to meet lots of women
I want to improve my social skills
I want to have fun!
I want to challenge myself
I want to feel alive

When you want to go from London to Paris, you develop a strong intent. There may be many obstacles in getting there but you know the destination. This is an a type of external destination.

Intentions can also lead us to inner destinations or set us on inner paths. For example, we intend to go out alone with the idea of improving our social skills then inwardly we are moving toward a particular place inside ourself. This is similar to problem management/gap analysis. Where i am now, compared to where i want to be in the future and the intentions help bridge the gap by us taking action. I am doing this now so that in the future i can become a more realized and amazing person.


2. When you are at the venue - The reality of the club environment

Being comfortable in a hectic environment can be overwhelming even with close friends. Even more so challenging to a sober Don Juan. Usually you will grow comfortable with friends as you get your bearings and warm up to the place. That totally goes out of the window when gaming alone. Imagine jumping into a cold pool. It takes time to get used to it.

Unhelpful AFC mistakes

Panic sets in. The freeze. (see pool analogy) Sh1tting of the pants.
Placing a random persons thoughts above your own. Their thoughts do not matter. What’s in your head does matter. Seeing oneself in low worth & value, them as high is rather too generous.
Thinking too much....
Thinking it wont be fun, thinking it will be scary, thinking that it will awful, thinking no one likes me, thinking that no one will talk to me, thinking I wont be able to speak to anyone etc etc.
A tendency to judge harshly, ‘how things are going’ like an inner analysis or expectation of how one is doing.

In an attempt to feel comfortable whilst experiencing anxiety, some of the below behaviours and attitudes act as a safety net or comfort or flat-out avoidance of any unpleasant feelings:


Unhelpful AFC Behaviours (avoidance & safety behaviours)

‘Acting’ cool instead of relaxing and being comfortable
Pretending not to be nervous
Pretend to be popular by looking at your phone
Drinking way too much because of anxiety

Instead of remaining safe and avoiding everything, what can i do instead?
Accept that I will feel awkward and anxious. Accept that I am on my own entertaining myself. Accept that there are lots of people who I can talk to. Accept that without drinking I will make vast progress inside myself (drinking is fine but big progress will come from being sober). Accept that I am courageous.
Depending on what state of mind I am in, I can choose to take positive action, which may induce an anxious response on me:

Talk to a stranger
Approach a girl
Dance
Do nothing. Choose to relax, become present, listen to the music and enjoy what is going on in the moment.

Unhelpful AFC attitudes

Trying too hard
Wanting/needing to be included
Want to be seen as confident
Desperate for attention
Overly reliant on others

Positive attitudes/affirming statements:

I am an amazingly cool guy out having fun.
I will use everything to increase my positive energy
Everyone I see is a potential friend
All women I see want to Fvck me and think I am hot
All women I see want ME to APPROACH THEM
I am alive!
This beats sitting at home knocking one out
I am improving all aspects of my life and my game
Treat myself like a best friend and suspend judgement, I can go back to my life after tonight, I can be free in this night, this moment
I will enjoy myself beyond what I believe is possible. Certainly more than anyone else.
Etc etc


Facts/evidence

Most people will not have the guts or confidence to go out alone. Especially to a club.
Many people will be drunk, messy, not always having a good time, involved in some sort of drama or a reason for them getting so wasted.
Most people are lonely. They go out with friends to feel like they belong to be part of something. You are above that. In the enlightening sky.
Others rely on people around them to have their fun. They get bored easily. You are generating your own fun and happiness. That is gold.
Alcohol is a depressant and most people have low energy with lack of inhibition. You will be fired up and fuelled on adrenaline and state which is created through breaking social barriers.
Most people don’t really enjoy the moment as they are too hammered or worried about one thing or another, they too pretend to enjoy themselves.
You will probably never see most of these people ever again, unless you choose to.
Their thoughts about you are irrelevant and DO NOT cause your inner happiness.
Going out alone is amazing and shows great confidence and character.
It beats being home watching porn thinking about fvcking women.
It helps you grow in every way.
You can consider everyone you meet as friends, as you don’t know them, no back story or previous nonsense.
No one cares if you are out alone. No one, if anyone, will notice you are alone. No one will be thinking, “where’s his friends”
People in a club are actually alone, but with other people, whom they call close friends or partners.
It wont take long to become the ‘popular guy’ in the club with lots of friends if you give off the good vibes.


http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=182904
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140573. Alcohol
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140701&highlight=Clubbing
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126964&highlight=Clubbing
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=97883&highlight=Clubbing

 

[Don-Kong]

My biggest fear about going out alone is starting off and building up enough momentum. Once I start I am fine. I get into it and it happens naturally like being in a dream.

Motivation Talk to myself

You are sat there doing fvck all. You my friend are dying. Opportunities are passing you by, life is wasting away. Your time is now. You are single, free to fvck around no restraints, no drama. GO FOR IT!

In a year from now you wish you would have started back then. So now is the time. Smash all your boundaries and social awkwardness. Defeat your fears, embrace the moment.

Don't you want to feel ALIVE? Are you ready to challenge yourself? Are you ready to be the best version of who you can be?

FVCK YEAH

"No one. NO ONE, has the guts to roll up to the joint and hit it up alone. I am going to do this. A Fvcking boss! A warrior. A hunter looking for his prey. Beast this.
Grab my chick and book"

You have that power. You have the time, you have everything you need so what are you waiting for? Fvcking get up and go.

Your state gets pumped by action. Inactivity and thinking just kills energy. Take action and keep it going. Let go into it, the moment, the present. When you step out of routine, you enter a world of mystery and uncertainty, but full of wonder and excitement. Go with that flow and find the joys that are there.

Go, go out. Alone. Alone and free. Alone and hunt, enjoy the sport, the game. Effort will lead to mastery which will lead to great pleasure.

 

[JustOlder_!]

My biggest fear about going out alone is starting off and building up enough momentum. Once I start I am fine. I get into it and it happens naturally like being in a dream.

Motivation Talk to myself

Go, go out. Alone. Alone and free. Alone and hunt, enjoy the sport, the game. Effort will lead to mastery which will lead to great pleasure.

this is a crazy thread as even being an issue.. I have gone out hunting by myself for years. I prefer it that way. Sometimes the routine gets old but you determine the bars and the style you like. Not everyone enjoys a chic bar and not everyone a skunky rat hole...Obviously, if easier to bring along a wing man as most chicks go In pairs and can be hard to separate so you have to take numbers. Easiest way is to belly up to the bar and hangout, have a smoke whatever and get to know people - watch the band, sing charoke etc...If you want to shoot fish in the barrel, go internet dating. I am not too high on that.

 

[Don-Kong]

Anyone wishing to learn or add value to the post is welcomed.
I will follow up about self reliance and the comfort of not having a wingman.

 

[Spence]

Good post, I went out on my own a couple of times last year. I must say I did get gunned down a couple of times by people asking where my friends are, and someone turned their back on me once I revealed I was just out my own (I said I was waiting for someone to arrive).

However I do look forward to going out on my own for practice.

 

[Don-Kong]

The real benefit of going out alone and staying sober is that it has the power to change your life drastically.

I'm noticing it already. I'm more relaxed around other people, more sociable, joining in more, feeling more alive and can approach anyone without getting all weird. And this is in my professional life and home life outside game.

Gaming alone makes all of my relationships better. My relationship with myself and others is better. I'm growing and learning at a fast rate and I think I am now actually addicted to it. I get why people really love gaming. The buzz and inner satisfaction is a real staying point. Higher confidence levels are a by product of it.

I'd say, do it now. Destroy a ton of unhelpful social beliefs and inner barriers in very little time by experiencing first hand how enjoyable it can actually be. It's definitely worth it even without getting laid being in the equation.

If I'm ever in London, I'll give you a shout!

 

[Mike32ct]

Great thread. I fully support going alone.

But how do you handle the questions like...

"Are you alone?"

"Why are you here by yourself?"

Just curious how you respond to that when women ask.

 

[compleks]

It's only weird if you act like it's weird.

Just tell them you're out flying solo, looking to meet some new interesting people.

Or tell them you would have invited your friends, but realised you enjoy your own company much more.

 

[PokerStar]

"Are you alone?"

Hell Yeah. I'm what you call a scout.

"Why are you here by yourself?"


Just curious how you respond to that when women ask.

1. I'm deciding whether or not to call a few to join me.
2. Hell Yeah. I'm what you call a scout.
3. out of my friends im the only one who likes this type of music.

 

[Don-Kong]

It's weird because it's seen as going against the social norms of society. Which only imprison the human mind anyway.

Do I think it's weird? No, absolutely not, but the majority of people do think this so. It's good to be aware of that inside oneself because it's like a major barrier within that has built up over time unconsciously. It's like taboo to be going out on your own. So it activates, 'what others think of me' - this is a mental barrier that only exists in my mind.

I rarely get asked if I am out alone or who I am with except by the bouncers. In a good positive state no one really cares and besides I end up talking to loads of people on the dancefloor so no on is thinking anything like that. They are in their own bubble trying to enjoy themselves.

If I am asked I would say: I have no idea where anyone is and I dont give a fvck, I'm having way too much fun to care. This happened last week, some guy was graduating and he lost his crew so we shared a few laughs and he went on his way and I went on mine.

I did meet one guy who was out alone, he was lost in the music and I could totally tell because he was on a different vibe. We high-fived and both knew what was going on. There are others out there and this is somewhat encouraging!

 

[Bokanovsky]

It's weird because it's seen as going against the social norms of society. Which only imprison the human mind anyway.

Do I think it's weird? No, absolutely not, but the majority of people do think this so.

This is especially a North American thing (which is kind of odd, as you normally think of American culture as being individualistic). In some other cultures, going out, going on vacations and generally doing stuff by yourself is more common. In Europe, it is not unusual to see people having dinner alone in restaurants. You would rarely see that in a North American restaurant.

 

[TheWho]

This is especially a North American thing (which is kind of odd, as you normally think of American culture as being individualistic). In some other cultures, going out, going on vacations and generally doing stuff by yourself is more common. In Europe, it is not unusual to see people having dinner alone in restaurants. You would rarely see that in a North American restaurant.

FYI
Going to restaurants alone isn't common in Europe at least not in Belgium. Only during the week in some cheap, lunchgarden thing or during lunchbreak from work.

 

[Bokanovsky]

FYI
Going to restaurants alone isn't common in Europe at least not in Belgium. Only during the week in some cheap, lunchgarden thing or during lunchbreak from work.

Don't know about Belgium but it's fairly common in countries like France and Italy.

 

[Peterpack]

I travel for work a fair bit so always go out on my own when away.

It is much easier than going out alone in your home city. You automatically have a good reason to be out alone and a good conversation starter

 

[JayK238]

this post is awesome. 100% $$$

 

[Don-Kong]

I think going out sober means that social awareness builds quickly. I mean you learn to pick up on social cues and how to interact.

You dont really get this when you are drunk. Inhibitions are lower and your awareness of boundaries are blurred so learning is slowed.

For example, when I am sober I learn at a rapid rate and it affects my whole life expecially the next week. I talk to random strangers with ease and it feels natural.

Contrast that with getting drunk and I tend to be more in on myself the following week, chasing my 'drunk self' who was really good in the social arena.

I wouldnt go out gaming solely to pick up chicks if it werent coupled with the fact that I improve in so many other areas in my life. Thats why I do it. Getting to kiss chicks and everything else that comes with it, or will, is a bonus.

 

[Don-Kong]

Long gone Kong

So, I've been out of action for the last 6 months, after meeting some slut, who was frankly irresistible. Life took over. Now I'm back in the game. It's on.

Kong. Back with a mutha ****n vengence. Single.

Back to familiarity. Back to the game. What can I say gents? Let's go clubbing, alone. Let the games begin!

 

[Demonpenz]

I hustled and grinded a ton for a couple years. Start talking out loud in your car or somewhere to get warmed out. It doesn't have to be good. Take a recording device for fun so when you go up to a girl and listen to it later you can laugh your ass off how bad you were or how great you were. Either way pump up your confidence as much as possible. Blow up any positives you have through the night like you are the ****ing man. Shrug off any loses. You just grow wiser. Grind grind grind go out have fun. PlutoMan and I went out a billion times. It gets old, but you really do get better and you can say to yourself I have the balls of someone who is worth a ****.

 

[Tenacity]

Every man is confident until he gets punched in the face.

I have hit up the clubs alone many times back "in the day" when I used to actually hit up clubs. The clubs I would go to (mostly black and hole in the wall clubs) were so packed that there's really no way anybody knows that you are there alone. You just go in the club, get on the dance floor and start busting some moves, jump behind a chick and if she likes you she will grind on you for a song or two.

The clubs are just HORRIBLE for meeting women though. You can't even have a conversation with the girl because the music is too loud, you are going to have to either go outside or to a quiet part of the club, all of which is fine but it just can become a little "too much".

Plus I honestly believe that 95% of the women in the club are there for attention only, they are not there to find their soul mate. Most of the numbers I would get from the club would flake out, and I would some nights leave the club with a STACK of numbers.

My advice is to meet women in one-on-one settings such as just doing random approaches at an everday spot, through online social media, through friend referrals, or through small social groups.

The club or the bar is a HORRIBLE place to meet a chick. Go to the club or the bar with your friends to celebrate something and if you meet a chick in the process, then great....if not....just go there with your people to have some fun.

 

[BMX]

Good advice and motivation here. I'm 27, I travel solo quite frequently. Sometimes I hit up bars solo, just not clubs. The Pac NW isn't the easiest place to be doing this but I've grown a lot more comfortable in my own skin and ways. Because of all this, I've been able to go to places and events I wouldn't have been able to with my roommate or even with a woman.

I've seen breathtaking sights numerous occasions. I have hiked numerous parks, trails and mountains by now. You can meet anyone you choose. Or not. Read and workout even during your travels. Try new foods. Or not. It's going to be fine. You can limit yourself or keep trucking.