Girls Weekend away...

[Divorced w 3]

I guess that didn't resonate with me as "cheating" since I am not 100% clear they are exclusive per se. It is more the pre-LTR phase where they really like each other and are feeling it out and moving towards an LTR.

In what world? If they weren’t exclusive, okay - but it’s hard to discount the potential manipulation happening at the real level if OP is on here stating what he is to us. I have lost all sympathy.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Women are masters of flaking (when they want to...). Even if the trip was planned before she met you, if she wanted to, she could easily come up with a million reasons to flake on the trip.

When the trip was planned, she was a single woman. But that is no longer the case, her circumstance has changed. She has no businees going on a girls trip of drinking, partying, and constantly getting hit on by horny men trying to get in her pants. That stuff is for single women.

"But he is cheating on her! That´s such a double standard!" I dont encourage him (or anyone else) to cheat but the only double standard I can see in here is from her part, not him. If you guys cant see it or disagree with me that´s cool. I dont need or want to change your mind more than you should need or want to change my mind, Im just a random guy on the internet. Im not interested in discussing this particular topic any further.

@Toddy I dont think there´s only one right anwser and the rest are wrong. I think its one of those cases where its up to every man to do right by himself and figure out what´s best for him. A woman should give you peace of mind. I wont presume to know if she´s providing that to you or not, but if I had to take a guess, this thread wouldnt exist at all in the first place if she was giving you peace of mind.

D@mn, some of you guys piss me off sometimes with the whole "double standards" thing. But its cool, we can agree to disagree. No hard feelings. I said my peace, I got it out of my system.

I have no problem telling my partner how I feel on issues, the problem that I do have is that I am almost impossible to move off of a point when I take it, and the amount of damage that I do to everything around me while I work through that process of being wrong periodically is catastrophic at times. There’s something to be said though about being super confident- for instance just wish her well and don’t say a word when she’s gone until she reaches out and unless you are getting girls gone wild level photos from her just bite the tongue.

 

[Glassguy]

Any woman that is halfway attractive doesn't have to go away on a trip to cheat. If they want to do it, they can do it in their own bed.

As far as the girls trip, you've been dating this woman for a few months. So you need to sit back and relax.
Extend some trust and see what she does with it. That will give you a head start on what you need to know.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

This specific scenario is something i've thought about a lot over the years, and even though it basically has never happened with me, I still think it's a really important discussion. Circumstances like these nuanced, and require a lot of context to really know what course of action to take, but it's a fair assumption that these situations are generally bad news. Ask yourself the following questions: where is she going specifically? How often does it occur? What type of friends is she going with? Is it her single hoe friends? Or married, loyal, and reserved women who dress modestly? Is it clubs and popular bars, or normal venues like restaurants? How far out of town is it? How late in the night are they staying out? Context matters.

In your case, I can't fully comment without knowing the context of your relationship, but given that you felt the need to make a topic on this I'm assuming that's because your gut is telling you it's bad news. Listen to your gut.

If you can determine it's bad news, you can ask your girl a simple question. Do you think your mother (or grandmother) went out with her single friends and left her husband for days to go out drinking, raving, clubbing, festivals, concerts, partying, etc? The mere idea of her sweet old mother/grandmother doing such a thing at any point is abhorrent - so why is it okay for her to do it? See how she reacts.

Here's the most nuanced part of this, and is purely my take, but I think i'm on to something. I think that setting boundaries by proactively "communicating" the terms and conditions of acceptable behavior can backfire if you do it too early. What I mean is, there's no value in telling your woman early on in the relationship what she can and can't do, as if to nip it in the bud and "negotiate" the terms. Why? Because if she IS the manipulative and sneaky type, you probably won't find out until it's too late, because you will encourage deception right off the bat and she may go behind your back and lie. I think the better course of action is to let women do what they want, and let them tell on themselves. Give them the impression of indifference or even naivete. Then, when they express their plans to do something like this, they'll think you won't care and can be manipulated. This is the time to strike. You tell them:

"I thought you valued our relationship. Doing something like this tells me you do not respect me or this relationship. You are free to do what you want, but just know that by doing this, I will reconsider the future of our relationship, and I will no longer agree to exclusivity with you" - or something to that effect, whatever makes sense in the context of your relationship.

A boundary has absolutely no meaning unless it comes with consequences. You cannot negotiate boundaries. Set them, and be completely willing to show her why they're not acceptable by walking away or whatever you need to do. Do not budge. Do not argue. Do not try to justify why your position is reasonable or not. Stand your ground, with a rock solid wall, and do not let her shaming or criticizing or other attempts to manipulate get in the way. Her reactions alone are enough to go off of. If she starts shaming, criticizing, acccusing you of being "insecure" or "jealous" or "controlling" WALK AWAY. If she genuinely communicates with you and seeks to understand why you feel that way, and agrees with you, great! But I think that's very unlikely unless she's simple naive or highly agreeable. Most likely, any girl that thinks it's okay to go out drinking for 4 nights with her friends (or anything like that) is bad news, and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You are spending way, way too much time together.

This will start to become more detrimental to the relationship the longer it goes on.

I suggest you start finding something else to do in life other than spending all your time with her.

Otherwise you are gonna get blindsided with some version of "I need some space" eventually.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I agree with everyone here. There is not much you can do but set her free for the week. The show might be in the other foot but she could miss you more and text you whatever shenanigans they are up to the whole trip. Not saying she won’t miss you if this doesn’t happen, but it could happen.

Anyways, it is a good litmus test to verify if she is LTR material or not. Just make sure you **** her good when she comes back.

 

[SW15]

four day 'girls' weekend next month....weekend of drinking and partying.

Why does an early 40s woman need to do 3-4 days of drinking and partying?

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Why does an early 40s woman need to do 3-4 days of drinking and partying?

Let alone any women lmfao

That's just not good

I've heard far too many stories about how women act on nights like these, especially when things like party buses are involved. My god, it's just insanity.

 

[Barrister]

In what world? If they weren’t exclusive, okay - but it’s hard to discount the potential manipulation happening at the real level if OP is on here stating what he is to us. I have lost all sympathy.

Not sure what point you're making here. If they aren't exclusive neither one of them owe the other anything. However, OP says he likes her and this trip is making him nervous because he's worried she is getting railed by a bunch of guys on the trip -- hence my original advice. I am not sure what you're disagreeing with.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Not sure what point you're making here. If they aren't exclusive neither one of them owe the other anything. However, OP says he likes her and this trip is making him nervous because he's worried she is getting railed by a bunch of guys on the trip -- hence my original advice. I am not sure what you're disagreeing with.

They’re supposed to be exclusive, read the thread

 

[Barrister]

They’re supposed to be exclusive, read the thread

I read it - and I think you are assuming something that isn't the case. He said they are spending almost every day together -- not that they are exclusive. He also said he likes being in a committed relationship and wants to "develop that with her." Until there is a clear discussion that two people are exclusive nothing can be assumed. Hence part of his trepidation with this trip.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I read it - and I think you are assuming something that isn't the case. He said they are spending almost every day together -- not that they are exclusive. He also said he likes being in a committed relationship and wants to "develop that with her." Until there is a clear discussion that two people are exclusive nothing can be assumed. Hence part of his trepidation with this trip.

I’m assuming that the word ‘exclusive’ hasn’t been universally redefined. Again, read the fvckinng thread

 

[Barrister]

I’m assuming that the word ‘exclusive’ hasn’t been universally redefined. Again, read the fvckinng thread
View attachment 12881

Take it easy. We're all friends here. I didn't notice he had replied with regular font within one of your posts. No use getting so fired up.

 

[Gamisch]

Girsl night out= all options are open and especially IF the best option is within sight it will be taken. We are not little kids anymore are we? Lets call a spade a spade!

I agree that it's baffling (but nothing new) that 40 is the new 17 for women. It's not just cap/cope to be worried. If she wants to score some points she would've canceled the trip ,period.

When we deal with a woman, there are small every day things that constantly change the dynamic untill it's dead. This is a big one....trust comes walking, but it leaves by horse..imo she basically says that You are not THAT important (yet?).

Why does an early 40s woman need to do 3-4 days of drinking and partying?

Because 40 is the new 17 my brother.

This is a lost case.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Girsl night out= all options are open and especially IF the best option is within sight it will be taken. We are not little kids anymore are we? Lets call a spade a spade!

I agree that it's baffling (but nothing new) that 40 is the new 17 for women. It's not just cap/cope to be worried. If she wants to score some points she would've canceled the trip ,period.

When we deal with a woman, there are small every day things that constantly change the dynamic untill it's dead. This is a big one....trust comes walking, but it leaves by horse..imo she basically says that You are not THAT important (yet?).

Because 40 is the new 17 my brother.

This is a lost case.

Goes to a discussion https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...ans-world-real-or-parody.282324/#post-3120905 we've had on a few separate threads. Folks trying to prolong their adolescence has been a problem for decades

, nonetheless from '16-today we've been in the midst of a society wide regression. Women aren't the only ones guilty of doing so either

Note what mainstream Hollywood was churning out during this time: Superhero flicks and rehashes of Star Wars, Jurassic Park, and every other tent pole flick one can think of. Movies designed for kids in elementary school, in other words, yet the audiences for these flicks were overwhelmingly made up of supposed men over the age of 25

 

[SW15]

Why does an early 40s woman need to do 3-4 days of drinking and partying?

Let alone any women lmfao

That's just not good

I've heard far too many stories about how women act on nights like these, especially when things like party buses are involved. My god, it's just insanity.

I can understand why women under 26 or so would do long weekends of drinking and partying. Once a woman reaches her late 20s/early 30s, that should be a part of her past. She also shouldn't be talking about that past much with men if that was a part of her past.

 

[Toddy]

Update, I haven't at all brought this up with her have played it like I'm not fussed whether she goes or not. She has told me she will be cutting the trip short by a day so she can take me to an event I wanted to go to that I mentioned a while back. We'll see....

As for the double standards, yes I am guilty of that. Whilst it's been implied we're exclusive we've not had that discussion yet, I certainly don't imagine she's seeing anyone else. I may need to start a thread on which one to choose.

 

[Toddy]

I heard stories too, but those stories never happened to you or anyone else in this forum. Women will fvck, but you gotta be the man she wants to fvck.

If she's going to mess around she could do without going away so I'm not going to worry about it. I can tell by the way she looks at me that she truly sees me as her best option. To be fair without sounding arrogant I'm a great catch for her.

She did tell me about one of her single friends out the other night (she wasn't with them) hooked up with a guy took him back to her place, he set up another date, then she found out he was married!

 

[The Diver]

she basically says that You are not THAT important (yet?).

That's exactly what I thought her action says.

 

[Vanderdonck]

If she's going to mess around she could do without going away so I'm not going to worry about it. I can tell by the way she looks at me that she truly sees me as her best option. To be fair without sounding arrogant I'm a great catch for her.

She did tell me about one of her single friends out the other night (she wasn't with them) hooked up with a guy took him back to her place, he set up another date, then she found out he was married!

I know women who went out and got fukked right before they got serious with their boyfriends. Fairly common occurrence. Most men are oblivious to this.