Girls Weekend away...

[Toddy]

For context I'm late forties, new girl I'm seeing is early forties. Been seeing each other for a couple of months now, see each other nearly every day. I've grown quite fond of this one. In the last couple of years I've dated 30+ women, been intimate with probably more than half and brief relationships with some, so know this one is good, checks all my green flags.

I do like being in a committed relationship, so this is something I'd like to develop with her.

Any way she told me last night, she's off to a four day 'girls' weekend next month that has been booked for a while before we met. For those in the UK it's a Butlins 80's weekender, which for those outside of the UK is a weekend of drinking and partying. I'm not sure how I feel about it, how I should act, what I should say or do.

Welcome any thoughts please.....

 

[Vanderdonck]

You're about to get a lot of posts telling you to dump, next, or demote her to backup plate status, tell her no fing way, and a lot of talk about "boundaries."

My take is that if someone wants to do something, let them. You do you.

Sure, she could go out and bang five dudes on this trip. Nothing you can do about it, really.

How you "should" act or what you "should" do should be consistent with who you are and what you value. Simple as that. Lack of congruency is far worse than drawing boundaries so as not to appear weak. Or vice versa.

I would take personal stock in how I feel and why, and proceed from there. Be the version of myself I want to be in this moment.

 

[Toddy]

You're about to get a lot of posts telling you to dump, next, or demote her to backup plate status, tell her no fing way, and a lot of talk about "boundaries."

My take is that if someone wants to do something, let them. You do you.

Sure, she could go out and bang five dudes on this trip. Nothing you can do about it, really.

How you "should" act or what you "should" do should be consistent with who you are and what you value. Simple as that. Lack of congruency is far worse than drawing boundaries so as not to appear weak. Or vice versa.

I would take personal stock in how I feel and why, and proceed from there. Be the version of myself I want to be in this moment.

Thanks for the reply, I do half expect to get a number of posts suggesting 'dump and next'. When she mentioned it I was fairly nonchalant about it. I know she's really in to me and looks at me like I'm her best option. I don't suspect she'd want to bang other dudes when she's away, but you never know.....!

 

[Divorced w 3]

All you can do is tell her to have a great time. A few questions to mull over:

Are you exclusive? If so, who asked for it?
How frequently do you see each other?
How frequently does she party now?
What’s her communication style with you when she’s not with you? When she’s out with friends socializing?
What’s the basis for the concerns on your end?

 

[Toddy]

All you can do is tell her to have a great time. A few questions to mull over:

Are you exclusive? If so, who asked for it? Implied, then mutually agreed (although I am seeing one other girl which I intend to break off)
How frequently do you see each other? Nearly every day, she would do every day if I could
How frequently does she party now? Not at all
What’s her communication style with you when she’s not with you? When she’s out with friends socializing? Very frequent, test will be when's shes away
What’s the basis for the concerns on your end? Good point! Don't know, just sort of came as a surprise. As mentioned she does treat me like she adores me, and really wants a future. Perhaps I'm just over thinking....

Thanks, that's probably what I intended to say.

 

[Learning Curve]

I'm not sure how I feel about it, how I should act, what I should say or do.

Stop being insecure. You will drive her out of your life very quickly.

Let her go in what ever trips she wants with her friends. In the meantime, you go and focus on your purpose and mission while she is gone as you do i suppose day-to-day.

Stop being fixated if she is gone or not. Women need space away from you and they need to feel free in order to fall in love quicker.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Been seeing each other a couple of months now, see each other nearly every day

You've sh-t the bed beyond all repair. Don't sweat the girls weekend, because this is already over. In the future, resist the urge to be around any woman you barely now that often

 

[Divorced w 3]

Thanks, that's probably what I intended to say.

A few follow up thoughts:

It’s foolish to think exclusivity is implied. Women and men both operate openly until those words are spoken out loud, and it’s the man’s job to wait for the woman to ask for it and it should be given to her if she earns it and no other way. In that vein, you’re a scoundrel. You need look no further than your own behaviors with this second woman under the guise of exclusivity and ask yourself if this woman you’re concerned of suspects of her or is acting in the same manner. Our insecurity has a funny way of being brought to light in the otherwise innocuous behaviors of others.

The funny thing about living a clean life, whether that be being secure, honest, what have you, is that you don’t have to second guess yourself or situations as to whether or not you added anything that influenced or compounded an issue that you dislike in others. Example, if you’re not possessive and you’re not openly expressing your emotions on her habits and you simply observe, you don’t have to wonder or care nearly as hard as to what’s going on.

 

[mikedee]

You're about to get a lot of posts telling you to dump, next, or demote her to backup plate status, tell her no fing way, and a lot of talk about "boundaries."

My take is that if someone wants to do something, let them. You do you.

Sure, she could go out and bang five dudes on this trip. Nothing you can do about it, really.

How you "should" act or what you "should" do should be consistent with who you are and what you value. Simple as that. Lack of congruency is far worse than drawing boundaries so as not to appear weak. Or vice versa.

I would take personal stock in how I feel and why, and proceed from there. Be the version of myself I want to be in this moment.

I 100% agree

 

[Barrister]

If you two have only been together for a couple of months then it probably is legitimate that she already had this planned out. I understand your concern about it fully because I would also be concerned. I think in a way you can look at this trip as a true litmus test for whether this woman is who you hope she is. If she is fully invested in you, she will still go but she will maintain open communication while she is there. If you see there are huge portions of time where she goes dark and leaves you wondering, I am not sure I would call it a "red flag" but it certainly maybe an orange one.

People who want to keep relationships going will keep the other person feeling secure in situations like this. She is also in her 40s. This isn't her first rodeo and she knows how trips like this are viewed and knows what the implications generally are. So if she is not communicating with you appropriately, you may need to at a minimum re-evaluate whether she truly is LTR material. I would say the answer to that question is no if she goes silent on this trip for inappropriate lengths of time.

 

[Divorced w 3]

If you two have only been together for a couple of months then it probably is legitimate that she already had this planned out. I understand your concern about it fully because I would also be concerned. I think in a way you can look at this trip as a true litmus test for whether this woman is who you hope she is. If she is fully invested in you, she will still go but she will maintain open communication while she is there. If you see there are huge portions of time where she goes dark and leaves you wondering, I am not sure I would call it a "red flag" but it certainly maybe an orange one.

People who want to keep relationships going will keep the other person feeling secure in situations like this. She is also in her 40s. This isn't her first rodeo and she knows how trips like this are viewed and knows what the implications generally are. So if she is not communicating with you appropriately, you may need to at a minimum re-evaluate whether she truly is LTR material. I would say the answer to that question is no if she goes silent on this trip for inappropriate lengths of time.

Did you catch the part where he’s two months in and already cheating on her? Lol

 

[The Duke]

@Toddy

Less than a month ago, you told us you were seeing 3 girls. Is that still the case?

 

[Toddy]

@Toddy

Less than a month ago, you told us you were seeing 3 girls. Is that still the case?

I'm down to two, the second I only see on a Wednesday and every other weekend as she has young kids. But this is the front runner which I really like.

 

[Toddy]

Did you catch the part where he’s two months in and already cheating on her? Lol

I'm whittling it down... Was three, now two, soon to be one!

 

[The Duke]

I'm down to two, the second I only see on a Wednesday and every other weekend as she has young kids. But this is the front runner which I really like.

Well then why in the hell are you worried about what this girl is doing on her girls trip? You have some insecurities and double standards you need to address.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Well then why in the hell are you worried about what this girl is doing on her girls trip? You have some insecurities and double standards you need to address.

This thread is a joke - and for that reason (Mark Cuban voice) IM OUT

 

[BaronOfHair]

Well then why in the hell are you worried about what this girl is doing on her girls trip?

He admitted that

-He's seeing this broad every other day, after knowing her for TWO months

-Has "grown fond" of her in that time. He's emotionally attached, in other words, even though she could vanish at any time

This entire arrangement has already soured. The girl's trip isn't nearly the most serious malfunction at work here

 

[Barrister]

Did you catch the part where he’s two months in and already cheating on her? Lol

I guess that didn't resonate with me as "cheating" since I am not 100% clear they are exclusive per se. It is more the pre-LTR phase where they really like each other and are feeling it out and moving towards an LTR.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Women are masters of flaking (when they want to...). Even if the trip was planned before she met you, if she wanted to, she could easily come up with a million reasons to flake on the trip.

When the trip was planned, she was a single woman. But that is no longer the case, her circumstance has changed. She has no businees going on a girls trip of drinking, partying, and constantly getting hit on by horny men trying to get in her pants. That stuff is for single women.

"But he is cheating on her! That´s such a double standard!" I dont encourage him (or anyone else) to cheat but the only double standard I can see in here is from her part, not him. If you guys cant see it or disagree with me that´s cool. I dont need or want to change your mind more than you should need or want to change my mind, Im just a random guy on the internet. Im not interested in discussing this particular topic any further.

@Toddy I dont think there´s only one right anwser and the rest are wrong. I think its one of those cases where its up to every man to do right by himself and figure out what´s best for him. A woman should give you peace of mind. I wont presume to know if she´s providing that to you or not, but if I had to take a guess, this thread wouldnt exist at all in the first place if she was giving you peace of mind.

D@mn, some of you guys piss me off sometimes with the whole "double standards" thing. But its cool, we can agree to disagree. No hard feelings. I said my peace, I got it out of my system.

 

[Toddy]

Women are masters of flaking (when they want to...). Even if the trip was planned before she met you, if she wanted to, she could easily come up with a million reasons to flake on the trip.

When the trip was planned, she was a single woman. But that is no longer the case, her circumstance has changed. She has no businees going on a girls trip of drinking, partying, and constantly getting hit on by horny men trying to get in her pants. That stuff is for single women.

"But he is cheating on her! That´s such a double standard!" I dont encourage him (or anyone else) to cheat but the only double standard I can see in here is from her part, not him. If you guys cant see it or disagree with me that´s cool. I dont need or want to change your mind more than you should need or want to change my mind, Im just a random guy on the internet. Im not interested in discussing this particular topic any further.

@Toddy I dont think there´s only one right anwser and the rest are wrong. I think its one of those cases where its up to every man to do right by himself and figure out what´s best for him. A woman should give you peace of mind. I wont presume to know if she´s providing that to you or not, but if I had to take a guess, this thread wouldnt exist at all in the first place if she was giving you peace of mind.

D@mn, some of you guys piss me off sometimes with the whole "double standards" thing. But its cool, we can agree to disagree. No hard feelings. I said my peace, I got it out of my system.

Your right with the peace of mind bit. If it were the other one I’d have no concerns, maybe because I’ve caught feelings.