Girls stalling on a second date

[Matt Rogers]

Something that has been happening occasionally is the following. I go on a date with a girl. Wait three or four days, call her and ask her on a second date and they have an almost watertight excuse.

examples:

"Exams"
"Family visiting...(girl is foreign)
"Holiday"
"Illness"

Im never sure how to deal with these excuses. Usually if a girl is not interested she wouldn't bother answering calls or if she is extra classy will say something like she doesn't think we are a good fit etc. But in these instances there is an implication that when she is no longer busy she wants to see me again but it is not solid and could equally be a stalling tactic.

The common-sense approach is to wait a reasonable length of time such that the excuse expires and ask them out again and then if she has another excuse assume she is not interested.

Of course waiting for a week or two and asking her out implies you have high interest which isn't a good impression to give.

The other option I guess is to not contact her and see if she gets back to you and if she does subtely imply youve been going out and having a good time so she wonders if youve been seeing other girls in the interim. But communicating this subtely is not that easy and some girls even if they are interested are too proud to call a guy/ask him out.

Thoughts, guys?

Also what is the best way to answer her excuse? A casual "that's cool, stay in touch" or "sure get in touch when your schedule clears"

 

[DJDamage]

They give you excuses because you probably managed to lower their interest's somehow on the first date itself. Where do you take them usually? what do you usually do on the first date? how is the conversation? is she laughing and touching you throughout the date? what usually happens in the end of the date??

Try to find out why the first date's are not going so well for you and you won't get any more excuses for not going on a second date.

 

[MatureDJ]

Just blow her off

I presume that you have called her on her mobile phone. She would then have a record of your number, and she could always call you back if she were interested.

 

[Jitterbug]

A girl who wants to see you again and has a valid excuse will say she's busy but will make you a counter-offer. If she doesn't, it's likely that she isn't interested anymore and chooses to keep saying no to your date offers until hopefully you get the message and go away.

Of course waiting for a week or two and asking her out implies you have high interest which isn't a good impression to give.

A week or two isn't that short! It doesn't imply high interest. Some interest, yes, but that's a good thing. If she doesn't like you, then whether you wait 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months wouldn't make any difference.

I'd assume low interest in those cases and maybe give them a call after the excuse has expired, but no more than that. Keep spinning other plates.

 

[jophil28]

I go on a date with a girl. Wait three or four days, call her and ask her on a second date and they have an almost watertight excuse.

I believe that prevailing wisdom on when to call her again after a date is all wrong. THree to four days is too long. Way too long.
Ask yourself what you would think (if you were a woman) who did not hear from her 'date' until 4 days later? That is three days in which she will convince herself that you did not find her attactive enough to follow up.
Showing INTEREST in a woman is NOT bad. Women like men who like them .Who does not want to be liked? Skilled guys know how to show interest without coming off as desperate.
The trick is to TIME your re-approach while her INTEREST level in you is till high from the afterglow of the first date and it has not been contaminated by her doubts and fears that go like this " I have not heard from him - he does not like me"... Quality women WANT to have successful dates with the same man .
I always contact her in some way within about 30 hours - any later and she assumes that you did not find her attractive enough to re-approach .

My 2 centsl

 

[Matt Rogers]

Oh they all have my number

Jitterbug usually there is a suggestion but no firm counteroffer. Having said that it is perhaps unreasonable to expect a girl to be able to suggest an alternative date weeks in the future.

If i was busy id probably say to a girl "im busy but when im free ill get in touch". But then guys are a lot more honest and will not lead a girl on because they are too scared to say they are not interested.

e.g. "Well i can't make it im going on holiday but ill see you when im back"
"Well i can't this week because my family are visiting and i gotta take care of them but ill stay in touch"
"Hey i cannot make it because ive got exams this week but i want to see you again just as soon as im done"

I think one more chance after the excuse has expired is a reasonable compromise perhaps allowing a few days to see if they'll take the initiative and ask me out themselves.

 

[Jitterbug]

Jitterbug usually there is a suggestion but no firm counteroffer. Having said that it is perhaps unreasonable to expect a girl to be able to suggest an alternative date weeks in the future.

It is not unreasonable at all. In my dealings with everyone who wants to see me again, be it girls I'm dating, friends, family, people I know through work etc., if my initial suggestion for a get-together doesn't suit them, they always suggest an alternative date. Maybe not an exact date in certain situations (if they won't be free for another few weeks), but they will at least give me a definite counter offer, or let me know when they'll be free & ready to catch up and I'll call them again then.

People who do not have the courtesy or manner to suggest an alternative (or just say no, if they're not interested), or get back to me, will earn a few negative points in my book.

If you're the type who deals with definite dates and not maybes (because you're busy and have a lot going in your life), you'll influence people who want to deal with you to do the same. People are remarkable at matching your expectations of them (or at least give it a good shot) if you make it clear to them up front.

If i was busy id probably say to a girl "im busy but when im free ill get in touch".

If I were busy and it's a girl I'm not really interested in (same with someone low priority on my "to see" list), I'll probably say the same. If it's a girl I'm interested in, I'll give her something more definite: "I'm busy this week finishing up a project. I'll call you next Monday" - and I will call her then. It sets the frame for both of us that this is how I communicate and deal with dates. Clear yes/no, time, location. No maybes. No BS flakes.

 

[Mr. Me]

Jitterbug usually there is a suggestion but no firm counteroffer. Having said that it is perhaps unreasonable to expect a girl to be able to suggest an alternative date weeks in the future.

Matt, Jitterbug has this right.

A girl that's genuinely busy for the date you have in mind but who really is interested in you, doesn't take a chance on losing Mr. Hottie. They WILL counter offer with a specific date. I'm going through this now with someone, I've gone through this before, it's always the same WHEN they're interested:

You: "Let's get together next Tuesday".
She: "Next Tuesday? That's not good for me. But how's Thursday for you?"

When they're not interested, it's also always the same:

You: "Let's get together next Tuesday".
She: "Next Tuesday? That's not good for me. I have a study group every Tuesday. And Thursdays. It's a work thing I do. In fact, I'm pretty much tied up with work with this project and that project. It's very busy at work! I'm also taking care of my neighbor's parakeet. Oh, and the orphanage called and wants me to help run their fund raiser for the next month too. And my mother is flying into town and I have to pick her up at the airport and she's staying with me for a month."

Hey, girls are like this in business too!

I had a sales appointment a few weeks back that canceled and my prospect emailed me this to cancel with:

"Sorry to have to do this, but we are going to have to postpone our meeting for Wednesday for another day. My fiance and I are both in school nights, and it's a very hectic week this week for him with work and with school assignments that he can't afford to lose a night to work on them.

I will touch base with you again when our schedules coincide and clear up again. It's just been a crazy busy summer so far and I can't believe how fast it's flying by.....My apologies for the cancellation."

I knew as soon as I started reading her email that it was bull and that she'll never call. I've been in business for 27 years and I know all the routines because I've heard them a zillion times.

And it's the SAME STUFF in dating.

So Matt, you're doing somethings on that first date and in things surrounding that first date (such as in your phone calls, emails or IMs or texts) that is shattering the girls' interest in you.

I believe that prevailing wisdom on when to call her again after a date is all wrong. THree to four days is too long. Way too long.
Ask yourself what you would think (if you were a woman) who did not hear from her 'date' until 4 days later? That is three days in which she will convince herself that you did not find her attractive enough to follow up.

My friend, if you call a woman 5 days after getting her number, you're still showing her that you're interested. If it wasn't FAST enough for her and it's a problem for her, then she has some sort of issue - and you're better off without her.

Permit me to give you the different scenarios that occur when you call a woman a week after obtaining her number:

1. She: "Excuse me, but WHY did it take you 6 days to call me? Let me tell you, as a woman, you'd better call the next day! I'm sorry, but I'm not interested! In fact, I just met somebody and I'm dating him! Sorry! But you took too long! Goodbye!"

Well, that woman is rigid. You did call, but not fast enough for her! Then she makes up a story about meeting someone else, and being exclusive to that new guy, all in a matter of a few days too! Who wants a woman like that? In this case, waiting a few days saved you from proceeding forward with such a person!

2. She: "Jack? Jack who?"

In just a few days she forgot who you are? She forgets who she gave her number to? This is not a woman who's interested in you, this is a woman who gives her number out to multitudes of men. She doesn't even remember who she gives her number out to. Obviously, she doesn't remember Jack. In this case, waiting a few days saved you from being with this attention hog.

3. She: "Oh! I though maybe you weren't interested! I'm glad you called, though".

Ah! We have a winner! She may not like that you took a few days, but she likes you, and is happy you finally called.

Now, this woman... and let me use your quote here:

That is three days in which she will convince herself that you did not find her attractive enough to follow up.

... this woman had you on her mind for several days. "Why hasn't he called?" "I guess he didn't like me." "Gee, I wish he had called." "Maybe he's married?" "He seemed so nice." "Maybe he's a Player!"

which all means that she's dwelling on you ALL THAT TIME.

Her doubts and fears do not lower her interest. Dwelling on her mind raises her interest (if she's interested in the first place).

This is why it can be said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

When they're NOT interested at all, as in the case of Matt's dates, THAT'S WHEN the axiom "Out of sight, out of mind" comes into play.

 

[betterthandead]

It's not just interested women but also interested people who like you.

If someone is not comfortable with someone that person will more likely not want to hang out with that person. It's as simple as that.

another thing, the more you have in common with the other person the higher the interest and compatibility you have with another person and the more likely the other person will be more agreeable in hanging out with you.