Girls Reject me after a few weeks ALL THE TIME!

[JoelyBoy]

Here's the low down...

I'm 27, I'm a DJ and I work in TV (sound recordist). I was seeing this girl a few months ago who seemed really into me, was calling and texting me all the time, on the first date I actually got lucky-she stayed round mine and we slept together-of course she said, 'I never normally do this' (yeah right!). Anyway, after about a month she said to me, 'I can see this turning in to a relationship and I'm not looking for that' blah blah blah. This really got to me as we were getting on so well. Then she started texting me again about a month after sound pretty horny actually, nothing came of it, she started blanking me again. Anyway I have litterally only just deleted her from facebo.ok as she keeps blanking me and I can't take it!

Then, when I was DJing a girl started talking to me trying to get me interested, we went out after (her and her friend and me and mine...), they came back, but nothing happened. About a month after that she came back into the bar I play at and told my friend she really wanted my number, she didn't get it and left with her friend (a different friend). She actually came back in later to get it! we went out a few times, in fact, once again I managed to get laid on the first date. We went out a couple more times and she even asked if I wanted to go on holiday with her, I couldn't as I was working. Then I asked if she wanted to come stay in the hotel as I was working on location, she said she'd do the research, see if she could come. She never let me know and then started making excuses not to see me, not returning missed calls, not texting back and all that ****e. Things fizzled out, I gave up. Then she text me one night saying 'are you DJing tonight' I replied 'That's a nice polite text message' (ie no, 'how are you' or anything) and then ignored the one after that. About an hour after that she came into the bar with another guy but was talking to me trying to get me interested (i think!) she stayed right until the end of the night, showing this guy NO attention whatsoever... anyway I was so hurt by the fact that she had done this I kind of blanked her at the end of the night so she left with the guy. I was so upset, I text her the next morning (after a reeeaaaly bad night sleep) saying, 'that was a really nasty thing to do, coming into the bar you knew I would be working at with another guy' blah blah blah. Anyway she text back appoligising (sound quite genuine, how her life was messing up etc.) So I called her a couple of days after that asking her out, she said she was around so she would be up for that. Anyway, she then went back to her old ways-making up bull**** excuses, avoiding answering the questing, not answering texts etc so I gave up. By this point I had been seeing another girl-a proffessional who works in the city.

---FINAL REJECTION---(keep reading!!! I know I'm blabbering on!!)

I was seeing this professional chartered accountant who I had met at the bar I play at. We went out twice and then again for a work event of mine (drinks etc) she was on form!! talking to colleagues of mine etc. Even people were saying, 'she must be into you to go to your work party on a third date!' (because she works LOADS we found it hard to meet up so she came to that). Anyway I stayed around hers that night and had the best sex of my life!! (and she DEFINITELY enjoyed it-no details!) that was two weeks ago, she's been busy since. She said last week on the phone, 'I can give you a key to my place and you can chill round there' which I took as a good sign! then last Friday she called after I had been calling a few times in the week to see if she wanted to go out, saying, 'I could come to yours and stay, I'll call you in a while to see what's going on'. Anyway she then called bac saying 'I'm going to do more work tonight as I've got loads to do'. And since then she didnt answer my call on Sunday and is blanking me today....

This is recurring to me all the time! each instance is different and the girls are each different, that's why I went into so much detail (sorry to bore you!!)

I feel really bad (like that horrible feeling in your stomach when you get blanked or let down)

What am I doing wrong each time?? I guess I might seem too pushy? or what? I really am starting to feel bad about myself even though I have quite a lot going for myself (work wise and I'm not bad looking)

Any advice would be great! sorry to write such a long message!!

 

[another_nice_guy]

1. Sometimes you just meet someone you like who isnt looking for a relationship. Its a shame but it happens.

2. She was using you to make the guy jealous.

3. I think you we calling too much.

I'm the same age as you and only recently got my first LTR. Things only changed for me when:

I didn't call/text all the time. I deliberately left it so it was she that always contacted me. Before I would text girls way too much.

I made adventurous dates which always surprised her. Before I would always ask a girl what she wanted to do.

The more you push, the more she pulls away and vica versa!

 

[st_99]

Yeah, i feel what you're going through. I think it may be a beta mindset in wanting a 'relationship' instead of just being totally casual because we really dont care either way. I could be totally wrong, just a thought.

 

[corrector]

It is because you are ugly. Women can be cold, heartless, superficial sometimes, then if a hot stud made the same mistakes you did, she'd think it's cute. Everything is interpreted on looks!

What you should do is get a few people's opinions on your picture. Then hit the gym and get plastic surgery to correct any defects. Make sure you have good hygene.

 

[Rubato]

I'm 27, I'm a DJ and I work in TV (sound recordist).

That's pretty cool. You've got some social value just from being involved in that line of work.

I was seeing this girl a few months ago who seemed really into me, was calling and texting me all the time, on the first date I actually got lucky

That's a bad mindset. Do you really think you got lucky? What you're saying when you say you "got lucky" is that what happened was a chance accident that you had nothing to do with. If you had just won the lottery, I would agree that you got lucky. But the lottery is something you have absolutely no control over... you can control how you interact with the opposite sex. You obviously did something right here, because even a slut can sleep with a pretty large selection of men. She choose you.

-she stayed round mine and we slept together-of course she said, 'I never normally do this' (yeah right!).

Good insight.

Anyway, after about a month she said to me, 'I can see this turning in to a relationship and I'm not looking for that' blah blah blah.

Since I don't know you, the girl, or the specifics of what happened between you two, I can't be anymore specific than this. One of 2 things happened: 1. She was honest with you and really didn't want a relationship. Some people don't want committed relationships and would rather just keep it casual. Sucks, right? 2. More likely though, you were not contributing to the overall level of attraction in the relationship and the girl got bored. That's the hard truth. If a girl met someone she was head over heels in love with, do you think she'd give 2 thoughts about whether or not she was in a good place in her life to have a relationship? Really? I know one particularly girl who followed a guy across 7 states she was so enamored with him. With women, you are either creating attraction, or you're not. And if she didn't want a relationship with you, you weren't creating attraction.

This really got to me as we were getting on so well. Then she started texting me again about a month after sound pretty horny actually, nothing came of it, she started blanking me again. Anyway I have litterally only just deleted her from facebo.ok as she keeps blanking me and I can't take it!

Good job. Don't talk to her anymore. She has "blanked" on you twice now. Why give her an opportunity to do it again?

Then, when I was DJing a girl started talking to me trying to get me interested, we went out after (her and her friend and me and mine...), they came back, but nothing happened.

Why didn't anything happen? Maybe this is the reason you were not successful with girl number 1. Are you a hesitant man? Are you afraid of or do you have trouble sexually escalating? You said she was trying to get you interested... interested in what? Some special collection of hers? She came back to YOUR house and you should have at least attempted to make something happen.

About a month after that

Why did you wait so long?

she came back into the bar I play at and told my friend she really wanted my number, she didn't get it and left with her friend (a different friend).
She actually came back in later to get it!

When women really want something, particularly a man's phone number, they get it.

we went out a few times, in fact, once again I managed to get laid on the first date.

Good job. Again, you make it sound like there's an element of luck involved here. You've replicated success twice now. Why are not more confident in your abilities?

We went out a couple more times and she even asked if I wanted to go on holiday with her, I couldn't as I was working.

That's a pretty good IOI

Then I asked if she wanted to come stay in the hotel as I was working on location, she said she'd do the research, see if she could come.

You should never have a girl plan something. You are the man. If you need a travel agent, hire one. Do not enlist your girl in this. It is your responsibility to lead. And your failure to do so may be why she ended up leaving.

She never let me know and then started making excuses not to see me, not returning missed calls, not texting back and all that ****e. Things fizzled out, I gave up.

It's very degrading for a man to chase a woman. I hate seeing that. And I hate it even more when I catch myself doing it.

Then she text me one night saying 'are you DJing tonight' I replied 'That's a nice polite text message' (ie no, 'how are you' or anything) and then ignored the one after that. About an hour after that she came into the bar with another guy but was talking to me trying to get me interested (i think!) she stayed right until the end of the night, showing this guy NO attention whatsoever... anyway I was so hurt by the fact that she had done this I kind of blanked her at the end of the night so she left with the guy.

She may have been trying to use a jealously plotline on you. That's looking at things from an optimistic angle. Given that she disrespected you like she did when she failed to get back with you about your plans and started flaking on you, she is probably just a low value woman. I am a bit confused why you were "so hurt" by this. You had no existing relationship with the girl and could have brought a girl with you yourself. You have no idea who this guy she brought is and he obviously isn't very important to her, or she would have shown her more interest. She actually did you a big favor that night. You have no reason to presume anything about the quality of relationship she had with that man.... for all you know it could have been her cousin. But suppose it wasn't. If she would do that to him, she's already demonstrated she would do something similar to you. She sounds like trouble.

I was so upset, I text her the next morning (after a reeeaaaly bad night sleep) saying, 'that was a really nasty thing to do, coming into the bar you knew I would be working at with another guy' blah blah blah.

This wasn't necessary. Women feed off of attention like normal humans feed off of oxygen. You gave her proof positive that what she may have been doing by bringing that guy in to the bar (to affect you) actually worked. You telegraphed a large amount of interest to her and showed her that she can get to you. You gave up some of your power.

Anyway she text back appoligising (sound quite genuine, how her life was messing up etc.)

Texting is so devoid of communicative value, how you can assess her level of genuiness? Did she include a really sorry looking emoticon??

So I called her a couple of days after that asking her out, she said she was around so she would be up for that. Anyway, she then went back to her old ways-making up bull**** excuses, avoiding answering the questing, not answering texts etc so I gave up. By this point I had been seeing another girl-a proffessional who works in the city.

She had already proven to you that she would do this to you. The lesson - women don't lie to you. If they demonstrate patterns of disrespect, they will keep disrespecting you. Why do you expect that it will suddenly change?

I was seeing this professional chartered accountant who I had met at the bar I play at. We went out twice and then again for a work event of mine (drinks etc) she was on form!! talking to colleagues of mine etc. Even people were saying, 'she must be into you to go to your work party on a third date!' (because she works LOADS we found it hard to meet up so she came to that). Anyway I stayed around hers that night and had the best sex of my life!! (and she DEFINITELY enjoyed it-no details!) that was two weeks ago, she's been busy since.

How many times did you go out before you had sex? It sounds to me like it was the third date. If that's true, why did you wait 2 extra dates for this one?

She said last week on the phone, 'I can give you a key to my place and you can chill round there' which I took as a good sign!

Unless you think she's planning on killing you in your sleep, yes, it's a good sign

then last Friday she called after I had been calling a few times in the week to see if she wanted to go out, saying, 'I could come to yours and stay, I'll call you in a while to see what's going on'. Anyway she then called bac saying 'I'm going to do more work tonight as I've got loads to do'. And since then she didnt answer my call on Sunday and is blanking me today....

It doesn't sound like you were very decisive here. There is a difference between asking a girl what she wants to do and making plans. I tend to date girls who are either very busy with graduate school or work, and I never ask them what to do. Instead I ask them when they're free. And then I tell them what we're going to do. It's much simpler that way, and the girl will respect you a lot more for being able to make a solid decision.

This is recurring to me all the time! each instance is different and the girls are each different, that's why I went into so much detail (sorry to bore you!!)

You are showing some wisdom here... many men keep doing the same things and getting the same outcomes over and over again without realizing that perhaps the reason their outcomes never change is because they may be doing something wrong. If you keep sticking your finger in an electrical socket, you will keep getting shocked. The only way to stop getting shocked is to learn how to control your finger!

Reply will follow

 

[Rubato]

Really, I would say that even though you wrote a lot, you didn't include details that I would think were significant. Based on what you wrote, it seems like you are an initially charming guy to the ladies (2 SNL's and a 3rd lay after 3 dates)... I mean, dude that's pretty good right there. There are a lot of guys on this board who can't even get a girl's phone number right, let alone have sex with a girl.

It sounds like your problem is maintaining the attraction you were able to create in the beginning. And I have to guess here since I don't know very much about you, but I would imagine one of your biggest problems is that you are uncomfortable taking a bigger leadership role. Women need to be led. It's just the way that it is. You need to be the dominant force in her life that directs her to an oasis of escape that you provide for her. Do you understand how much value you will have if you can do this for a woman? It sounds like they're getting bored with you because you're afraid of stepping up to the plate.

Also, are you having sex with these girls more than once? If you're just having sex with them on the first date and then never again, that's an issue too.

If you think I'm wrong about this, give me some more information.

 

[floydb25]

It sounds like you're not presenting enough of a challenge, and they're getting relationship vibes from you too soon. Stop calling so much and setting up all these dates. Women like to chase, so let them. Do NOT mimic their interest level. Even if they come on too strong - do NOT do the same thing. Always keep it cool, and play the game right. Always keep your interest where its supposed to be. Otherwise, they will LOSE theirs. You are probably assuming it would get them to like you more, but it doesnt.

What you are doing when they are showing all this interest is working. What you are doing after, or as a result of that (ie, coming on too strong) is killing it. That's what you need to change.

So, if they talk about the future with you when you're NOT coming on too strong - don't flip the script, and treat them in a relationship manner. Don't assume or get too ahead of yourself. Believe nothing they say, and don't assume giving them what they want will work. Always keep the game where its supposed to be. No exceptions.

 

[JoelyBoy]

This is a really inciteful reply, thanks!

when I say, 'Nothing happened' with girl 2, I meant I didn't go the full way, we were kissing and grinding but her friend was down from another city and was staying around my girl 2's house (and her friend wasn't into my friend). Even so, you are totally correct-this girl is trouble! and the only reason I kept persuing it was because she was so beautiful, but she is really insecure also (a female friend of mine told me this after reading some text messages RE: the appology).

It's also a good point about doing the planning, although I was working 15 hour days so I didn't really have the time...

What is a low value woman?

And with girl number 3, the reason it was the third date was because she lives in the city and I live in a different city, so I went home (that is the only explanation I have-it was a mid week night after all, we noth had work early the next day). In fact, girl 3 replied to my message this morning so maybe she is genuinly realy busy, I'm not sure how to 'play' it, I replied ending the message 'give me a call sometime if you fancy doing something'. Right or wrong??
Thanks so far! a really good load of advice there

 

[JoelyBoy]

oh, and i was having regular sex with girl 1. Girl 2 was maybe the worst sex I've ever had, she just layed there not moving or anything, saying she wouldn't go op top (she's a ver selfish girl, and immature too!) and girl 3, I havn't been out with since we slept together 2 weeks ago! but she definitely enjoyed it, infact she started by ripping my boxers off and going down on me!

 

[JoelyBoy]

and i think floyd is also right, maybe i'm too easy, not enough of a challenge

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Wow man. I think we're in the same exact boat. Girls always get a "relationship vibe" from me when I never act AFC or any of that sh1t. I'm a musician too and have a lot going on for me through social proof, but I'm still a virgin. I have thought sometimes "Maybe I'm too intimidating? All of these girls think I'm some rockstar that fvcks a different girl every night?" (And girls have thought about me this way before and told it to my face lol.)

I think the best way to avoid this constant flaking is to just really not give a sh1t about being with the girl. My problem is, I usually ask the girl to go out a first time and she has a lot of fun, asks me to go out two more times and I agree. Then I wind up asking her out every other time til it spirals down the drain.

I'm not a bad looking guy either, and I've seen girls I've dated later on with uglier/loser dudes who I'm way cooler than haha.

 

[JoelyBoy]

yeah i hear that! Girl 2-the guy she brought in to the bar was just pretty much an AFC (well he was quite good looking but dressed like an average Joe with his 'SuperDry' jacket etc) even the staff in the bar were saying i def had more going on than him!
I wish I could give you advice Alex! maybe to lose ur V plates you should have a few drinks with the girl your dating and then suggest going back to yours so you can rustle up a ****tail. Have some drinks at yours then initiate the kissing and see where that leads... You gotta get the V's out the way man, I didn't lose mine until I was 19 (or 20) and then the girl treated me like ****e, similar to how I've explained girl 2!! I never told her I lost my V to her!
I've also thought the same thing as you - girls think that I get with loads of girls because of my 'social proof'. So I got to thinking they probably think 'i don't even need to let him down nicely' or whatever 'because he'll just get with another girl anyway' I don't know-maybe a pessamistic way of looking at it right now!!!

 

[floydb25]

Alex: your answer is in your post. She asks YOU to go out after the initial date - then loses interest once you chase after her. When you're not chasing is when she's coming to you. When you assume mimicking her interest is when she loses hers. You have to let her chase and feel as though she earned you... That's why you play it cool, but NOT aloof or uninterested. Balance.

Also, you're not too intimidating. These girls are losing interest after initially coming on strong. You're killing the attraction too soon. Once that's gone - so is their interest. You can still be "hot" and fail by coming on too strong. It doesn't matter WHEN you do it, either. They will still lose interest when you do.

 

[blueline]

Hey man,

This happens to me all the time, too. I get one night stands, sex after the first date, girls having crushes on me, but as soon as they start seeing me on a regular basis for a few months, things go to **** very quickly. I have never had a relationship longer than 4 months.

What you need to do is listen to floydb25. I have heard that advice over and over, but it never quite has sunk in until I was dumped a few times. Also, as a guy, it is probably always best to **** multiple women in the initial stages of dating. You will create that effect of not caring instantly through your actions.

This is a cruel ****ing game. If you want to get the *****, you have to keep time in your schedule to be away from that woman you're currently banging so you can meet other women. She will always have options. As a non-male model, you have to play the numbers to get options. That's just how it goes, man.

 

[JoelyBoy]

yeah that's a good pont blueline, I hate that I have to do it but it all is starting to make sense!!