girls keep telling me Im sweet and good and that they can trust me with anything!!!!!

[rgeere]

Originally posted by wise_mage
care to elaborate on what playing the game is?

and why do u say if i were you? dont u thinki listen to the people in here?

By playing the game I was referring to one's ability to capture the interest of the ladies, and by listening more I was referring back to the point that you write alot in spite of what others are telling you, but not really saying much more. My intentions were to criticise you constructively no offense intended.

 

[wise_mage]

Originally posted by Umbra
Because you still lack confidence. You still have an unhealthy amount of self-doubt and fear holding you back. Confidence does not yet permeate your entire being, radiating out of your f*cking pores.

How do you become a jerk? Start acting like you've always wanted to act but didn't. Stop being afraid of what people think. Stop giving a f*ck. It'll be good for you. After you gain some much-needed confidence, you can balance out.

umbra- I know this is going to sound stupid - but how do I stop caring about what people think after years of doing so?
I feel its a habit thats hard to break isnt it?
how do I achive it? any tips for begginners?

and aside from not approaching al the girls I want and not touching them or going for kisses and stuff, I basically do everything else I want in my life. or so I think at least.
but how do i realize aside from the girls issue, if Im not doing saomething I want to. to me, it always seems, aside from girls, that Im always doing what I want to be doing.

also Im way self concious. when Im walking through the street or school I begin thinking about stuff like wether my posture is projecting confidence and manliness and stuff like that.
thats the problem right? I care to much about what people think.
hel pe me stop this. I dont want to be so selfcentered anymore and star being less concious about myself. and approaching any girl i want and treating her as if I owned her.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Damn--I remember when that stuff was said about me <shudder> and I never want to go back to it.

I'm not sure when it changed, I just noticed that I haven't heard it in a long time. Somewhere between now and then something changed.

So, just to toss this in the mix--I'm not saying it replaces anything said above---I was thinking about this.

Ever hear of game analysis? (there are psyche-majors and professionals here who can go to town and back on this subject...it would be interesting to hear what they say.) What I took from that theory is the following:
1) people often engage in behavior to elicit or force a reaction from someone else. This is initiating the game or the play.
2) That someone else usually falls into a patterned response---hence, they give a response or energy to it, which is what the initiator was looking for. The game is now underway.

It's very simple on a certain level (very complex on others...)

It's basically all the ways of manipulating and dysfunctional communicating we've adapted from childhood to get what we want or to re-create the conditions that we're used to.

When it's bad or not helpful, you want to break the cycle.

How does that apply here?

Breaking this cycle--or how people who get out of bad cycles do it, could help.

Remember the reward/punish cycle of behavior modification? Responding to a game-player or a manipulator is a reward for them--they get a reaction. And if you don't give a reaction--nothing--they are punished in effect because they did not get what they were looking for.

This, I think, is what I did to get out of the "he's so nice" vein of AFCishness. What they're saying about you is that you're too close, too open, too accessible, too warm and understanding, too empathetic, too much like the mom or sister or best friend they wished they had--no! wait! they have it in you! (at which point you here those nasty comments...)

Some ideas:
--Identify when you are being too epathetic, too warm, too understanding, too "listening"---and say to yourself "Not my business, not my problem..." even if it is facinating stuff. You don't have to say that to them or even act on it---it will emotionally and mentally take you out of that equation, though, and that is what is required. You can keep listening to the conversation (like a parent who is busy doing bills is aware of kids playing in front of the TV)---just don't engage or give full attention to them.

--Put some coldness and distance between you and them. When they engage you this way, just don't react or respond. Break eye-contact, look elsewhere, absent-mindedly do something else. DO NOT give them full attention. Say "uh, wow..." in full neutral.

In fact, you can get proactive with the C&F at these points and say something a bit off color, a little mean, sarcastic, caustic (don't over-do this, right? Just upon occasion.)

Right now they're busy coming to you and engaging you as their "really nice friend"---the opening move to the game, and you're probably responding with full eye contact, full attention, nodding of the head, empathetic thoughts and nice words, etc.

This has to stop--not even engaging in this behavior will make it end sooner or later, and using a cutting humor of some sort might redirect it more quickly.