Girlfriends talking/hanging with guys from the past

[Nutz]

What do you guys think of this?

I've been with agirl for a little over a year. We're both 21, both first serious relationships. All is pretty good, but she I found out she didn't tell me the whole story about one of her friends. I asked her if she talked to/hung out with anyone and she had a history with and she did answer and tell me everything.

Back in high school, she got wasted and banged one of her friends a few times. She says she regrets it, it was a mistake, wishes she could back and not do it, etc. I've never met this guy. But I almost did one night, she wanted me to meet him but he couldn't make it. She says that she doesn't really even see him much anymore. He just texts her and she texts him back. And he is in a long term relationship. She knows his girlfriend, showed me her text messages with him (I never asked her to do this)

I get really ****ing pissed off when I think about it, I sorta see her as a slut when I thinka bout it. She would've had me meet this guy and prolly never told me that she banged him before. Then again, it was only a few drunken hook ups years before I even met her and she regrets it.

It's sort hard to let go of because it feels like a complete lack of respect torwards me. I flipped out on her a few times about and she seems to genuinly feel awful about. Like, she bawls her eyes out so bad..I've never seen her cry so much. Whenever I flipout she crys cuz she thinkgs I'm going to dump her. One time she told me to just call her instead of she her because she couldn't handle me dumnping her face to face. So she seems remourseful. She said she udnerstands now how wrong what she did was. But she won't just stop talking to him...she doesnt feel ok with me telling her that she cant talk to someone.


WHat doyou guys think? Idk how to really KNOW if she's for real or not. I find it all disrspectful but at the same time I dont' really wanna throw the relationship out, but I'm prepared to if anything else comes out.


How would you guys handle this situation?

IMO this is pretty much a non-issue.

 

[jax871]

I know you wont.. But you need to drop her. She doesnt sound like the kind of girl suitable for a relationship.

 

[luckster]

Oof, this sounds pretty familiar to me. Not exactly the same story, but the concept of hanging out with someone she's had some sort of relations with in the past. I cannot tell you what the case is for your situation and how you should handle it, but as you have asked, I can tell you how I would (and did) handle the situation. I will quote what you have said and show you how things played out for me.

She DOESN'T hang out with him, she DOESN'T initiate contact with him. HE texts her from time to time and she responds. It hasn't even happened for a couple weeks.

How do you know? Because she told you? You can't really trust her words if she's seeing him and talking with him. Yes, that sounds harsh, but consider the outcomes. If it's the truth, you will accept it. If it's a lie, you will accept it. How are you separating lies from truth? Because "I can tell" or "I know her" or "She wouldn't lie" will not suffice.

A girl I used to see told me things about this "person from the past" (which were lies) that would alleviate the problem at hand and I thought I knew her pretty well (ergo, I could never see her lying to me about something like this, not in a million years; "I knew her too well" -- but she did). We were together, just like you, for a little over a year.

I talked to her some more...she is willing to do whatever it takes to keep me around, she said she doesn't want to lose me over this. She said she'll show me everything, let me on her facebook/phone anytime I want.

Same. Exact. Thing. This very thing happened to me. Once this was out in the open, she offered to show me everything. She offered to let me see texts, messages, facebook, call log. Offered to let me keep surveillance, etc, etc. Do you really need this? My response was "I don't need a child in my life." That is what she is offering you, a child. Someone whose communications you have to oversee all the time. Besides, at any point, if she wants to, she can find another way of communicating with him that you don't know of. Do you really want to turn into this person that needs to check up on his girlfriend to make sure she's not doing anything shady? I didn't.

It's sort hard to let go of because it feels like a complete lack of respect torwards me. I flipped out on her a few times about and she seems to genuinly feel awful about. Like, she bawls her eyes out so bad..I've never seen her cry so much. Whenever I flipout she crys cuz she thinkgs I'm going to dump her. One time she told me to just call her instead of she her because she couldn't handle me dumnping her face to face. So she seems remourseful. She said she udnerstands now how wrong what she did was. But she won't just stop talking to him...she doesnt feel ok with me telling her that she cant talk to someone.

Everything in bold. Happened to me. When the topic of separating came up, she would bawl and, like a broken record, repeat how she was sorry, how she will never find someone like me, etc. I'm sure you have heard these things. As best I can speculate, I will say she says these to you because she is afraid to be alone, not because you are special to her. She likes the attention she is getting from this guy and it will not stop. If he goes away, she will just keep doing this with other guys. Why? Because she likes the attention. She is not happy with just you. I would take a wild guess and say that she always ask for validations from you, such as "do you like me?" and similar questions. If so, she is 100% for certain doing this because she likes attention a lot more than she likes you.

To sum up, you really have to only convince yourself and no one else. Ask yourself these questions:

Can you let something like this slide?
Can you trust her to tell you the full story the next time something like this happens?
Why should you let this slide? What makes her so special that she should be allowed to treat you like this, keep things from you, spend time with someone that makes you uncomfortable (which you said she already knows that it makes you uncomfortable), but you continue to provide her with your attention?


I will say that in my case, I am 100% sure no sex was involved with this guy after her and I were together. But I could not live with the fact she kept things from me and disrespected me in such a fashion. Lies proceeded and I could not trust her. She personally admitted that it was for attention and, well, can you draw the conclusion?

 

[change11]

haha this guy is questioning me more than his gf. that is who he should be questioning.

this guy is so naive its friggin funny. this is your first relationship bro. you believe everything a chick tells you? you have a lot to learn.

why did you even write a thread then if you believe everything she says?

you're changing your story around man. your thread says.....gf talking/HANGING with guys from the past.

you said this: But I almost did one night, she wanted me to meet him but he couldn't make it. She says that she doesn't really even see him much anymore.

so what is it bro? why change it around?

are you with her 24/7? how do you know if she texts him or not?

she still responds to him....if she didnt like him she wouldnt respond to him at all.

When chicks text me that I dont want to talk to I ignore them. Why doesn't she?

Why does she want you to meet him?

Why does she still text him when you told her not to?

you're not with her 24/7 bro you dont know what she does or did. you just listen to what she tells you.

you change your story each post to justify your unmanly behavior toward your gf and to defend her and give excuses.

come back when she dumps you or when you find out she is fing her f buddy again behind your back.

have fun and you better rubber up!

Ace,

Look I'm no trying to change things around, I'm just trying to say everything I can about the situation to get some input and I'm throwing out bits of information. I was looking for something more constructive than "oh shes bangin him come back when ur dumped!".

So maybe I tell her that if she is gonna be willing to talk/hang out with some other dude she's banged then I'm out the door. Even if she says she won't anymore, how do I really KNOW that she wont...I guess there is no way 100%. So dump her and move on is the only advice you have lol.


luckster, thanks for the story. It probably is the attention that she likes. The first few months we were together she did say things like that 'do you still like me?'. 'am i too clingy?'. What else did you try with her? Did you end up just dumping her after x amount of time checking up on her and you got sick of it?


Would you guys bother "testing" her? Maybe trying to get her to slip up, or even have her text the guy and she how he responds (since If I catch her off guard she couldn't set something up with him in advance).

 

[5string]

I have always been of the opinion that you should trust a woman until she proves differently. Given that, let me tell you a story.

When I was a senior in college, I was engaged to this little hottie. I had the ol oneitis for her. One day, a guy came up to me that I knew and told me he had been bangin her. I just listened. He then went on to say that basically, he had oneitis for her as well. Then the guy tells me that she is bangin two other guys! I asked him to explain. He said that she was trading her pvssy for cocaine of all things. I knew she liked to party but I didnt see this coming. He told me I had a right to know, which I did. He was one cool mofo about it. We had a few beers. Then I just went on home and kicked her the fvck out of the apt. I didnt even confront her. Just told her I knew what she had been doing and to GTFO NOW! She was shell shocked!

Just another example of trusting a woman by her actions, not her words.

I went on with my life, made a few more mistakes like we all do and kept one foot in front of the other.

For what it's worth. Take from this what you will.

 

[change11]

I put my foot down, said I was not going to be with someone who talks/hangs out with old fvck buddies and that doing so shows a complete lack of respect torwards me. I said it very indifferently like I had already accepted that it's over and wasn't too bothered by it. For the record, I have not told her beforehand to stop talking to him.

She says she will tell him not to talk to her anymore and tell him that she won't be talking to him anymore and will also give me access to see anything I want, whenever I want. She is also asking me what else she can do to fix this situation.

Obviously (as you guys can tell), I don't want to stop seeing her. But after letting your posts sink in and also reading some other material on this website, I know that I will end it if this continues. So I guess my next move is to proceed with her but if ANYTHING surfaces with this guy again then I'm out the door in a second.

Is there anything else you guys would do?

 

[5string]

I put my foot down, said I was not going to be with someone who talks/hangs out with old fvck buddies and that doing so shows a complete lack of respect torwards me. I said it very indifferently like I had already accepted that it's over and wasn't too bothered by it. For the record, I have not told her beforehand to stop talking to him.

She says she will tell him not to talk to her anymore and tell him that she won't be talking to him anymore and will also give me access to see anything I want, whenever I want. She is also asking me what else she can do to fix this situation.

Obviously (as you guys can tell), I don't want to stop seeing her. But after letting your posts sink in and also reading some other material on this website, I know that I will end it if this continues. So I guess my next move is to proceed with her but if ANYTHING surfaces with this guy again then I'm out the door in a second.

Is there anything else you guys would do?

Looks like you really have the frame now brother. Good job. Sometimes you just gotta put em in their place.

 

[luckster]

luckster, thanks for the story. It probably is the attention that she likes. The first few months we were together she did say things like that 'do you still like me?'. 'am i too clingy?'. What else did you try with her? Did you end up just dumping her after x amount of time checking up on her and you got sick of it?

Would you guys bother "testing" her? Maybe trying to get her to slip up, or even have her text the guy and she how he responds (since If I catch her off guard she couldn't set something up with him in advance).

We stayed together for roughly 3 more months or so after the "revelation" and then I ended it. Your view of the person sort of changes and it's hard to go back.

Two things rush through your mind and happen simultaneously (or did for me): On one hand, you don't want to admit that this person you cared for for such a long time (1.5 years or so -- that is still long to me at the age of 22), someone you knew so well would keep things from you and lie to you; you want to find reasons to salvage what you have (hence staying together for the 3 months). On the other, you begin to see them differently for the choice they made in this situation (and this is what happened as a result of staying together that extra 3 months). She actively kept this from you because she knew it was wrong. In my situation, this led to me losing interest in her and affection towards her.

What really defines one person from another? Their habits and their choices, nothing else. Her choice was to keep things from you and she did so because she knew she was doing something wrong. And of course, she knew keeping things from you was wrong as well, which is why she is in the stage of "I will let you see whatever you want!"

I put my foot down, said I was not going to be with someone who talks/hangs out with old fvck buddies and that doing so shows a complete lack of respect torwards me. I said it very indifferently like I had already accepted that it's over and wasn't too bothered by it. For the record, I have not told her beforehand to stop talking to him.

She says she will tell him not to talk to her anymore and tell him that she won't be talking to him anymore and will also give me access to see anything I want, whenever I want. She is also asking me what else she can do to fix this situation.

Obviously (as you guys can tell), I don't want to stop seeing her. But after letting your posts sink in and also reading some other material on this website, I know that I will end it if this continues. So I guess my next move is to proceed with her but if ANYTHING surfaces with this guy again then I'm out the door in a second.

Is there anything else you guys would do?

Goodness, this is like deja vu. Anyway, this happened as well. She actually ended up changing her number, e-mail, etc. The particular guy was out of the picture for those 3 months and, for me, there was never another guy. But now you have to realize what you've done. Now she will almost entirely be focused on trying to be with you, and please you, and prove things to you, and make things better. You will be smothered. It's just a lose-lose situation. You either let her be herself and trust her not to make choices like this, or you have to keep her in check. This is the truth behind the person you are currently with.

Anyway buddy, the bottom line is, you shouldn't have to tell her things like this. She should know that it is wrong and stop doing it, especially after you expressed discomfort in the talks she was having with this other person. It should have been DONE right there. The person you are with is "broken." The fact that you had to take it further only shows to me you will have further problems in the future because she will not stop liking attention by some miracle. She has other problems with herself that she must address before she stops "liking attention" (perhaps she doesn't like how she looks and the attention she gets from others takes that feeling away).

I think what you did was right. I handled it similarly but in the end what happened in my situation was that I was the one that really didn't see this woman to be someone I wanted to share my time with. It didn't have to do with her interest in me anymore (which was sky high) but rather my interest in her. In my opinion, everyone telling you to "break up" or "stay together" -- take them with a grain of salt. People on this board will give you the advice they best believe will fit you based on what you have said and what they personally have experienced in their lives (or some will lead you astray just to be ****s or boost their own ego). I'm not saying either because I don't know you or her. I am just telling you my story and what I did, what led me to do what I did.

One advice I would give you is to continue to be your alpha-self and just don't accept any bullsh_t. You will have to continue to live your life, and if you choose, with her at your side. If you find that things get better and you want to continue what you have, do it. If you find yourself questioning her a lot, my suggestion is for you to look elsewhere (this was my case). But again, understand no one will know your situation like you.

As for my current situation with the girl, me and her are just friends... with some added bonuses.