Girlfriend too demanding? Or am I a ****?

[Seán Kelly]

Hi,

So recently my girlfriend and I went out to a party. Afterwards we went home and due to the fact I live closer I got home first.

The thing is, it was late and I went to sleep, but the girl would have really appreciated it if I had stayed up to make sure she got home safe, as she lives in a fairly dodgy area.

Since I haven't been in many relationships, I'm unsure if this is an unreasonable request, or if I should have done it?

In my head, if she got attacked or something, like there's nothing I can do anyway right? It's highly unlikely attackers would leave her with her phone, so in what case does it benefit us for me to stay up and wait for her to get home? Apart from the obvious fact that she would appreciate it?

 

[sazc]

Now that she has communicated her desire, your job is to respond and tell her if you can meet that need.

It really doesn't matter what anyone on here advises you that they would do. What matters is - do you want to do this for her? Do you feel like this is an unreasonable or reasonable request? Can you/do you want to meet this need she has?

Sounds to me like you prefer not doing this, so honor your feelings and tell her you won't be doing this, and let her decide if this is a deal breaker.

Figure out who you are, and who you want to be to someone else, and be exactly that, no regrets.

 

[AJ84]

It’s really not uncommon for guys to have their girls check in to make sure they got home safe and for girls to ask their guys to wait up to make sure they got home safe. Especially in your case as you both were out together, not like she was out partying without you and expected you to wait up until 3am or something.

No it doesn’t prevent her from being attacked but it could prevent her from actually dying if she was left bleeding with a stab wound or something, and EMS was called to go out to there. It’s also a potential deterrent if she is on the phone with you while going home, so at least if someone approaches she can tell you while she is on the phone. Some petty criminals are deterred by that.

Like Sazc said if that’s something that seems demanding to you, tell her so she can decide have someone else to call when she feels unsafe in a similar situation, likely another guy who is a little more considerate because again, it’s not like she was out without you partying it up and expected you to wait up for her call. You were both out together.

 

[sazc]

@AJ84 lmfao

 

[jaymbrs]

I always tell them to text me as soon as they get home, land from their flight, etc.

 

[lamath]

Hi,

So recently my girlfriend and I went out to a party. Afterwards we went home and due to the fact I live closer I got home first.

The thing is, it was late and I went to sleep, but the girl would have really appreciated it if I had stayed up to make sure she got home safe, as she lives in a fairly dodgy area.

Since I haven't been in many relationships, I'm unsure if this is an unreasonable request, or if I should have done it?

In my head, if she got attacked or something, like there's nothing I can do anyway right? It's highly unlikely attackers would leave her with her phone, so in what case does it benefit us for me to stay up and wait for her to get home? Apart from the obvious fact that she would appreciate it?

imo she is attention whoring, creating drama with nothing.
Its like you should read her mind, dont engage her in this tell her next time just call me when you get home. If she is still mad and nag's you about it, go silent and ignore her.

 

[lamath]

It’s really not uncommon for guys to have their girls check in to make sure they got home safe and for girls to ask their guys to wait up to make sure they got home safe. Especially in your case as you both were out together, not like she was out partying without you and expected you to wait up until 3am or something.

No it doesn’t prevent her from being attacked but it could prevent her from actually dying if she was left bleeding with a stab wound or something, and EMS was called to go out to there. It’s also a potential deterrent if she is on the phone with you while going home, so at least if someone approaches she can tell you while she is on the phone. Some petty criminals are deterred by that.

Like Sazc said if that’s something that seems demanding to you, tell her so she can decide have someone else to call when she feels unsafe in a similar situation, likely another guy who is a little more considerate because again, it’s not like she was out without you partying it up and expected you to wait up for her call. You were both out together.

Its not unreasonable to asking him to make sure she gets home.
But it is unreasonable getting mad at him for not doing something she did not tell him to do.
Ofc being attentive in the right occasion is good, but on the other side being too attentive is a turn off for most.


I remember getting coffee in a drive thru with my Ex, I make my order she says nothing.
I get my coffee and we leave then she gets mad at me because i did not ask her what she wanted, she dont drink coffee FFS.
she can talk for herself, she should have told me she wanted something

 

[AJ84]

Its not unreasonable to asking him to make sure she gets home.
But it is unreasonable getting mad at him for not doing something she did not tell him to do.
Ofc being attentive in the right occasion is good, but on the other side being too attentive is a turn off for most.


I remember getting coffee in a drive thru with my Ex, I make my order she says nothing.
I get my coffee and we leave then she gets mad at me because i did not ask her what she wanted, she dont drink coffee FFS.
she can talk for herself, she should have told me she wanted something

True he can’t read her mind and it’s not clear if she asked him or not, as he just said she would have appreciated it. So did she ask and he said no he was going to sleep or did she not ask and then bring it up with him after the fact?

Maybe he can let us know.

But it does seem like he is posting wondering if her wanting that is demanding, implying that he is not sure about doing that for her, period.

 

[sazc]

@lamath I'm feeling like that coffee issue u had with your ex came at a time way after she was feeling resentful and rejected by you on certain levels.

Ppl don't blow up randomly about stuff like that unless they feel as if they've seen a pattern of the same behavior.

I'm not saying she's justified or correct, mind you. Tussling over not being asked if "you want anything" at a Starbucks feels indicative of longer standing harboring of resentments.....

 

[sazc]

Also, @lamath OP didn't say she got angry with him. OP said the lady mentioned she would 'appreciate' a phone call.

So you are doing a fair amount of projection of your own troubles, by bringing in the anger of your relationship and applying it onto OPs situation, and probably ill-advising him because of it

Just saying....

 

[Seán Kelly]

Thanks for the great replies.

She neither told me to wait up for her, or to go to bed, she was just hoping that I'd be considerate enough to realise that she would like me to wait up and make sure she was ok.

I just read "The Rational Male" and I'm trying to view the relationship though that. Rolo talks in the book about how women prefer to communicate covertly, with suggestions etc. so I feel that this is just kind of a matter of me getting used to relationships?

But as I said I've had relatively few relationships, so I'm still unsure what is a reasonable compromise in a healthy relationship, and what isn't... you know? I just want to be a sure as possible that we're doing healthy compromises, and not things which are "red flags"...

My gut tells me this is a reasonable compromise, and that, really, I probably should care enough to make sure she is ok, even if there's only a one in a million chance something bad could happen... am I becoming a "beta male" or what? I honestly don't know...

 

[Billtx49]

I probably should care enough to make sure she is ok, even if there's only a one in a million chance something bad could happen....

Many gentlemen would, and doing so, by itself, is not beta behavior…

 

[lamath]

Also, @lamath OP didn't say she got angry with him. OP said the lady mentioned she would 'appreciate' a phone call.

So you are doing a fair amount of projection of your own troubles, by bringing in the anger of your relationship and applying it onto OPs situation, and probably ill-advising him because of it

Just saying....

Might be some projection, but from my experience most of the time this turn out into her getting at least mildly mad at him.

I dont think OP made a thread out of this if it did not cause any conflict.

@lamath I'm feeling like that coffee issue u had with your ex came at a time way after she was feeling resentful and rejected by you on certain levels.

Ppl don't blow up randomly about stuff like that unless they feel as if they've seen a pattern of the same behavior.

I'm not saying she's justified or correct, mind you. Tussling over not being asked if "you want anything" at a Starbucks feels indicative of longer standing harboring of resentments.....

Was actually in the first 4 years but i agree that i probably did a few things before that might have amplified her reaction. But she never told me about it before.
I have ADHD so stuff like this as always been present in our LTR

 

[Atom Smasher]

Being a gentleman is fundamental to being attractive and desirable to the opposite sex. It's usually appropriate to tell her to text when she gets back safely or to text her. It's just the manly thing to do. This is NOT a practical matter about her actual safety. It costs you nothing but it demonstrates social calibration and awareness.

Same thing with ordering something at a drive through, as another poster brought up. My God, dude, it's common decency to ask another human being in the car if they would like something, regardless of who it is and regardless of whether one thinks they will want something or not.

You guys need to attend my Gentleman's Boot Camp. Don't let the principles taught here eclipse your being a well-rounded and socially aware man. You can still be a gentleman and apply the principles taught here. There are weakling gentlemen and strong "I would hate to get on his wrong side" gentlemen. Most here think of the gentleman as being weak. No so. A well rounded man is polite, considerate, takes care of those around him, and yet is not one to be F'd with.

 

[Chi Town]

This is not uncommon, me? I usually tell them to text me when they make it home, she shouldn't have to mention that to you, it's common courtesy, I do the same thing for my sister and my mother and she is almost 50.......

Don't trip though, it's no big deal, neither of you are wrong here, just a misunderstanding that can easily be forgotten.

 

[Chi Town]

Don't think she will stop with this one. I've dated a lot of women and none of them complained about this sort of thing.

Really? Out of all those bpd women you have dated I would think you have experienced this before, interesting.

 

[Die Hard]

Tell us more about how she communicated this, what was said exactly, hoe long after the fact, what circumstances etc. Details...

 

[Seán Kelly]

I'm seriously lost with all these acronyms.

 

[Mazer]

You should have checked on her since she is your gf. I check on all my close friends to make sure they got home safe after a night of drinking and they do the same. Learn from it and check in next time and no, it isn’t beta behavior.

 

[sosousage]

no it doesnt help her unless you are jacked 10/10 gorilla 6''2 masterchad testorenized beasts that trains martial arts (and even then you would have no chance vs knife or gun or vs 2-3 people)

but if you are low inhib 10/10 look-wise gorilla 6''2 testorenized masterchad ripped beast then you can say no to her and dont care as she wont stop texting you