Girlfriend Smoking and Lying need advice

[happyman2012]

Been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now and shes great in every other way. She used to be a social smoker but ive said to her if she were to start again I wouldnt be with her.

I had a feeling just a gut feeling that she was smoking again but she swore to me she wasnt and turns out she lied and lied and lied about it.

Saw text messages on her phone from her friend: my girlfriend had said to her friend that they cant smoke infront of me and that she nearly got dropped in it the other day by her sister infront of me (about her smoking)

I played it cool and didnt tell her id seen the texts. I said that night though that if I found out she was smoking that would be her finished. Made it crystal clear. She said that she wouldnt do anything to **** our relationship up and that she wouldnt like it if I did drugs so she wouldnt smoke!

Then this morning I felt like I had to bring it up because it was on my mind.I asked her about the texts and why shed lied to me and sworn that she didnt smoke. She said that she knew Id leave her if she told me and that she only does it every now and again. She also said she decided after we spoke about it the other night that she would stop because it isnt fair on me and she didnt wanna **** things up and ruin our relationship.

The question is though...should I belive her? Shes lied to me about it alot and one of rules of the relationship is to always be honest.

 

[Duce]

I'd say no to believing her.

lets see:
- you tell her you won't be with her if she smokes.
- she smokes in secret knowing you don't like it
- from what you said she knows in her texts that she is not meant to.

remember you told her you'd leave if she smoked. she has (And lied about it), now you'll either have to follow through with your threat or let her away with it and possibly make her see you don't followup on what you say.

If it was me I'd leave her, i have no tolerance for lying and even less for it being used to cover things I told them i don't approve of.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

Dude, you've set her up to lie to you.

Quitting smoking is very difficult. Even people who WANT to quit and a TRYING TO QUIT often will backslide.

It is very easy to do.

She probably does want to quit. And, she probably doesn't want to lose her relationship with you.

But you gave her an ultimatum, which puts her back up against a wall. Her hamster only let her think it out this far, "I won't smoke [around him]".

She was out with sister/friend and felt a craving and figured she'd give in and it would not be noticeable later when she saw you. And if you hadn't snooped, you'd be none the wiser.

Anyway, I think your ultimatum is a little d!ckish and probably not your best method of getting her off the smokes. This is also probably why she feels it's okay to lie about it: "That jerk can't tell me what to do."

Instead of an ultimatum, try to get her to join you in health activities. Get her in the gym, long walks, hiking, running, swimming, etc. Get her to do things with you where she will notice that smoking makes it harder to do and that the longer she's off them the easier they will be to do. In addition, she'll see that she's in better shape.

Before, her only reward for not smoking is your approval and a continued relationship. That might not be enough. Get her to see tangible results from a better lifestyle... then, she'll thank you for getting her off the smokes rather than simply feeling like obeying because you said so.

Remember, smokers are like junkies who can rationalize their continued destructive behavior. What they say when they are thinking about quitting might be true for them AT THAT MOMENT. But down the line, the temptations come and their brain can talk them into it.

She needs more risk/reward in relation to smoking/not smoking other than your ultimatum.

 

[Mr Wright]

My ex used to be a social smoker. I never directly told her not to smoke but I told her that I don't like it and I don't want to be around it. She continued smoking socially but when she'd try and kiss me with her smokey breath, I'd pull away and tell her I didn't like it and did something else. She soon stopped smoking because she saw that I really wasn't into it. If you tell someone they can't do something, it will only create resentment but if you frame it from the "I don't like it and won't be around it" there is a subtle difference, which might get you what you want.

 

[whatwg]

Leave her and give her an e-cigarette as a goodbye present.

 

[happyman2012]

Cheers for all the replys! She isnt a daily smoker or anything (to my knowing) and she always told me she only ever smoked on a night out sometimes!

Im just really mad atm that she has lied to me for months.

All sorts going through my head now....what else has she lied about, does she smoke loads, how often does she do it e.t.c. I am totally against smoking...i think its discusting especially when girls do it.

Just really dont know where to go from here. I told her the relationship would be ended if she was still smoking and she has been PLUS shes lied about it. Shes text me a few times today, she wants to come over to mine tonight and talk about it but ive just been ignoring her because I'm not happy at all.

She says she isnt addicted and from what ive seen she isnt....so WHY smoke at all. She knows im dead against it so WHY do it?!?!?!

Anymore replies would be good!

 

[LearningSlowly]

You're being over dramatic. My ex would keep a pack of cigarettes in her purse because she's a journalism major and worked long hours. She was addicted to coffee, but only smoked when she needed to get a long night of work done. I didn't mind so much.

She didn't smoke with me, she knew that I wouldn't like it, but otherwise I have her the freedom to smoke when she wanted. I am artist and I've made art that compares smoking to suicide, and I think she's seen those pieces. Regardless, I didn't get worked up, maybe I wouldn't kiss her if I smelled it on her, but she was allowed to live her own life.

Stop trying to control everything. Control what matters, and let the rest go.

 

[SpazzAttackk]

Cheers for all the replys! She isnt a daily smoker or anything (to my knowing) and she always told me she only ever smoked on a night out sometimes!

Im just really mad atm that she has lied to me for months.

All sorts going through my head now....what else has she lied about, does she smoke loads, how often does she do it e.t.c. I am totally against smoking...i think its discusting especially when girls do it.

Just really dont know where to go from here. I told her the relationship would be ended if she was still smoking and she has been PLUS shes lied about it. Shes text me a few times today, she wants to come over to mine tonight and talk about it but ive just been ignoring her because I'm not happy at all.

She says she isnt addicted and from what ive seen she isnt....so WHY smoke at all. She knows im dead against it so WHY do it?!?!?!

Anymore replies would be good!

Youre kind of acting like a bish on this whole cigarette thing. Its not east to quit. TBH if I were her Id leave a chump like you

 

[cordoncordon]

OP instead of giving her all of these ultimatums that never work, why don't you, if you really care about this girl, try and help her to quit smoking? Be encouraging. Be helpful. Maybe get her one of those electronic ciggies.

It sounds as if she does not smoke a ton and it also sounds like she wants to quit. Smoking, while I have never done it, is a very very hard thing to stop doing. So provide some positive reinforcement and you might be surprised. I tried for quite a while to get my gf to come work out with me by telling her she should because its good for you and if she valued her health she would. Granted she only weighs about 115 so she is no danger of obesity, but that was my way. She never did. Finally I started to be more positive, saying things like it is something we can do together, how great she would look, etc. Now she goes 5 days a week with me to Golds Gym and does the same exact things I do with all the free weights. From bench presses to Dead lifts to squats and everything in between. And she loves it. Funny seeing this little Asian girl working out with me and all of the other 200 pound plus guys there. The guys like watching her though haha.

My point is.....just get her on the right path, and I bet she falls in and stops. Maybe you could even join a gym with her to help her overall health, and that will encourage her to stop when she starts to see the gainzzzz. Lots of ways to go about this OP.

 

[happyman2012]

I dont think im being overdramatic really, she knew from the start before we got together what i expected. No lies and no smoking. She agreed to it, so ive every right to be angry with her.

 

[happyman2012]

I would try help her quit, but she has lied for months and months about it.
First it was just on nights out,
now ive found out its "about once every month"
shes been smoking at college with her friends and they always smoke, so i doubt its once every month, more like once every day or week.
She says shes not addicted...and can stop...so my question is why when she knew how i felt about it did she not stop!!!

 

[LongLostFriend]

Doesn't matter why. Your frame evaporates if you do not follow through.

 

[LearningSlowly]

You're beginning to act like a child. Lets think logically.

"Why did she do ___ when she knew it was the one thing that would piss me off??"

This is a common thought people have. The problem with this thought is that it makes everything about you. Could there be some other reason she wants to smoke? Maybe it helps her connect with her other friends. When she smokes, she is not doing it to hurt you, but you are still getting angry. Do you see how this might feel unfair to her?

No girl wants to be with a guy who is thinking about breaking up with them, so don't put her on "probation" (if I found out you're smoking it's over!) or hold a grudge against her for lying. Either 1. break up with her or 2. forgive her and let her smoke when you are not around to smell it on her.

 

[Redempti0n]

I remember when I was 16 and told my girlfriend at the time that if she doesn't quit using make-up I'll brake up with her.

Her reply was "If you don't stop going to the gym I'll brake up with you".

Don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life. She didn't mean it,she was just trying to help me figure out how utterly retarded I was being.



Point is,you're being childish. I mean you gotta have a strong reason. My reason for not dating smokers is that I feel like throwing up from the disgusting stench in their breath. And yes,all smokers have bad breath compared to non-smokers.

So to me it's a matter of not being able to stand it. To you it's definitely something else ,since the way you found out about it is by reading her texts.


I really don't get this.

Did I mention reading her texts is wrong ?

 

[May_Day]

So what, she is smoking. Get over it and quit making a big deal out of nothing. Try to help her quit if you want. Being overbearing will get you dumped.