girlfriend kissed her ex?

[lilwiz55]

i have been in a relationship with her for 6 months.
i didnt know that when we met she was still going through the break up with her ex who cheated on her and she said she could never to that to someone and that she never has which is true.
At the same time i was torn between my girlfriend and another girl i met. i saw the other girl once and we ended up kissing and i know this was wrong. However, i immediately knew she wasnt the one i wanted and i wanted my girlfriend. i had cut off all ties with the other girl and focused on my now girlfriend. this all happened in the first week of me meeting both of them.
i am only 19 and have never experienced true love before thinking id never meet anyone and finally did meet someone whom i truly fell in love with.
after a month of dating we became exclusive after which she found out about what happened between me and the other girl and it affected her trust towards me as she had previous trust issues due to being cheated on before hand.
So back to the ex, he had began trying to contact her and she made it sound like he was harassing her and she would tell him leave her alone because she has moved on and i believed her. She told me she could handle the situation and i gave her the benefit of the doubt. this is my first real relationship so ive learnt now too much freedom isnt good but anyway she eventually decided she needed to confront him and hash out some unresolved issues for him to let go which i didnt support but she insisted. She had told me they resolved their issues and that she wouldnt hate him anymore but wont have much to do with him besides a hi and bye type of friendship.
she did this and told me it was over until a few days ago, about a month later, she met up with him at the mall and ended up kissing.and said she got her closure and she knows im the one for her. she told me immediately however, she lied to me and told me she randomly met him there and he walked her back to her car after insisting she told him not to and when she got to the car he basically jumped at her and kissed her and being in shock she didnt react immediately. i had left my ipad at her house before she told me about this because her laptop and phone had both broken recently and we didnt have means to communicate. when i took back my ipad she had left her facebook logged in and i know invasion of privacy is wrong but i looked at a chat she had with her friend where she admitted she lied about the story she told me and she said they were actually in the car together and they ended up kissing but she stopped it. When she told me the lie she cried and apologized and said she is willing to do anything to fix our relationship. She does not know that i know the truth. What should i do? i truly did love her she was near perfect to me. Should i give her another chance or has she proven herself already and is what i did in the first week comparable to this? should i forgive her?
sorry for the essay and thank you for taking the time to read it.

 

[Brighty]

The same drive that got her to cheat before will manifest itself again further down the relationship and she'll do it again.

It's over, let it go.

And for the love of God, I have no problem reading long posts but I had to struggle to get through this one. Use some basic grammar and paragraph formatting. You're college-aged.

 

[dustmuffin]

Dump her you are emotionally invested. She will hurt you at a later date. Women lie. Don't listen to her words watch her actions. She kissed her ex that cheated on her. She will likely dump you for him in the future.

 

[DJT92]

She will almost certainly dump you for someone else, or cheat (or "fool around", same ****) on you again.

In response to your last question, "was it as bad as what I did in the first week"? No. That is the dumbest thing I've read in awhile, are you kidding me? You did nothing wrong.

Your best bet is to move on man, you would never do that to her so don't you dare let her do it to you.

 

[lilwiz55]

I know you guys only have my best interest in mind. However, i am still so confused... She seems to be truly remorseful. She came clean with the truth and is pleading for me to forgive her and get back with her. Obviously, i have a soft spot for her but i am truly finding it difficult to let go of what happened. Now that she came clean, should I be more open minded to forgiveness and not let what happened ruin a potentially amazing relationship?

 

[Glumix]

The question is not if she is interesting for you. The question is: is she interested in you?

Soft nexting is your most powerful weapon here.

Tell her you will think about it, that you find difficult to let go of what happened, that you will call her back when she is ready.
Soft next for 7-10 days. NC mode ON.
See how she reacts. If she drops a tantrum, drama, blackmail, threat, etc... dump her.
If she's really nice, cries a lot, begs a lot, get back to her and cuddle.

But really ask yourself two questions :

1. is a girl who kiss her ex interested in you?
2. do you want to be with a girl who is not interested in you?

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I know you guys only have my best interest in mind. However, i am still so confused... She seems to be truly remorseful. She came clean with the truth and is pleading for me to forgive her and get back with her. Obviously, i have a soft spot for her but i am truly finding it difficult to let go of what happened. Now that she came clean, should I be more open minded to forgiveness and not let what happened ruin a potentially amazing relationship?

Listen very carefully kid. You're a young beta, and if you're not smart this girl will rip you to shreds. Read the threads on BPD from these boards - you'll hear men telling you how they almost lost their lives caring for a girl with the cheating gene. I'm 26 now - I had my "first relationship" when I was 21 (just two years older than you) and we did this crap on and off for 4 years until it finally broke off for good a year ago. The damage she did I'm still not completely over to this day.

RUN or you'll be sorry

 

[Desdinova]

She had told me they resolved their issues and that she wouldnt hate him anymore but wont have much to do with him besides a hi and bye type of friendship.
she did this and told me it was over until a few days ago, about a month later, she met up with him at the mall and ended up kissing.and said she got her closure and she knows im the one for her.

He's at the top of her high score list and you're at the bottom. She is ALWAYS going to see him as the best man in her life. You'll be lucky if you even get second place on her list.

she told me immediately however, she lied to me and told me she randomly met him there and he walked her back to her car after insisting she told him not to and when she got to the car he basically jumped at her and kissed her and being in shock she didnt react immediately. i had left my ipad at her house before she told me about this because her laptop and phone had both broken recently and we didnt have means to communicate. when i took back my ipad she had left her facebook logged in and i know invasion of privacy is wrong but i looked at a chat she had with her friend where she admitted she lied about the story she told me and she said they were actually in the car together and they ended up kissing but she stopped it.

She will constantly be talking about him and returning back to him in the future. Are you willing to share her with him? If not, then drop her. When a woman gets one-itis for a man, it's a terminal illness.

When she told me the lie she cried and apologized and said she is willing to do anything to fix our relationship.

Actions speak louder than words. Her interest lies with him, not you. She is not worth pursuing any further. Let her go back to him so you can move onto somebody else.

 

[Glumix]

What Desdinova's said.

I lost 2 years with a girl who constantly spoke about her ex. She was seeing him every few months. One day she asked me if she could go with him for dinner (****-test, she never asked before) I told her that it bothered me and that I wanted her to not go (my ****-test). She went anyways. I was so weak that I didn't immediately dumped her. Those are regrets. But that brought me to the Man's School. Never that sh!t again.

She will neither be happy with you nor love you.

She will ALWAYS try to "fix" you. Those are desperate moves to push you to the top of her High Score List. She's trying to replace her ex with whom she facked up. But you will never reach the top because by asking she demotes you to the bottom.

Though, I think you need to experience that by yourself. Sadly, we are all human, we often need to learn the hard way.

 

[NSX-R]

19 year old and you already have an exclusive relationship. Yeah very smart. You will be 50-60 year old and you will think " how dumb i was , i could had 10 chicks in my fingers but instead i chose 1 and dumb one" . Enjoy youth.

 

[Julian]

man fuk this bish...dump her and dip. i give a girl 1 chance to "talk about her ex" or even mention him. Then I say look if i hear another word about your ex im fukking DONE with you.

 

[lilwiz55]

I hear what everyone is saying. I especially understand that analogy about the high score list because at the back of my mind I do truly feel like she is actually not over him. Which could mean that he is the true one and only but i am the safer bet since i am a nice guy. We all have heard the saying nice guys finish last i am starting to believe it very much.

I didn't mention this before but i told her i am taking a break to clear my mind and make a decision whether to forgive her or not. She called me yesterday telling me shes been crying herself to sleep and she misses me so much. I told her that If i was to even consider forgiving her and getting back with her that it would be on my terms, I stated all my terms, and she has to completely erase any trace of her ex from existence. She agreed, she said she will never do anything to even step out of line again. Maybe i am a sucker but i believed her, she did sound hurt and down when i spoke to her.

What y'all think? At least give it another shot and see if things change and at the first sign of something happening that im not remotely okay with at that point tell her she had her chance and blew it? We truly did have a connection. It wasn't all fake. I truly did feel warmth and love coming from her.

She told me that all she was trying to do was forgive her ex so that she could move on and be happy with me. In doing so, she was in a vulnerable state and had a temporary lapse in judgement or at least so the story goes. She pleaded for forgiveness for about an hour over the phone.

There is a huge battle happening in my head. On one side the logic is telling me dump her on the spot and i have all the evidence i need. However, on the other side, the emotion is trying to cling on to all the happy memories we have had. This year has been a big year in my life. I actually had an operation, while i was recovering, she was there for me helping me and pampering me. I completed my A levels and graduated, she was there and she was there when i got my results and when i got accepted into university. I was there for a couple important steps in her life as well. Also, i never felt like i have clicked with anyone as much as her.

Should i be willing to let go of such memories that can only happen once and the person i shared them with, who supported me through them?
Like i said the logic is still there fighting an equal battle but right now neither side is winning. Some more input from you guys will surely help me make a decision.

 

[stevo]

If you're not going to listen/take the advise given, you really shouldn't waste anybody's time.

Why would you want to be with someone who kissed someone else?
Where the fcuk did your self esteem go?

The best scenario is you be a man and you leave. Self Respect.

The other scenario is you drop her to a plate and see other girls. You only see her for seks, no convo, no catching up, no bf/gf just good ol seks.

Those are the only options you have.

 

[Huffman]

What y'all think? At least give it another shot and see if things change and at the first sign of something happening that im not remotely okay with at that point tell her she had her chance and blew it?

This will be your undoing. You are not strong enough to kill it! It will take months for you to regain trust... and some time next year... she will crush you. You'll feel what you feel right now x10. I hope for your sake she will be as brutal as possible... so you will be forced to see the truth!!

The "first sign" is already there, but you are ignoring it - and will continue to do so while your self esteem is slowly being ground to a pulp.

We truly did have a connection. It wasn't all fake. I truly did feel warmth and love coming from her.

I believe you, it never is fake. But no matter how beautiful your connection, true love comes and goes. A woman's character will show itself after some time, when your relationship is tested. This is the test. She failed.

 

[NSX-R]

If you dump this chick your future self is going to be pleased with it. Consider this to be a psychological test for you which will determine if you are going to become an adult or stay a kid for a long time.
You know what everybody else here believes. If you don't use these advices that you asked for then never come back here again.

 

[logicallefty]

The advice here is solid you should dump her. Her crying may not be remorse over what she did to you it may be because she's a busted piece of crap and she knows it. And she doesn't want you ending the relationship she wants to get the control back so it's on her terms again. Women hate it when they behave badly and others know it .. It blows their mind.

if you do end up taking her against our advice which I don't suggest but if you must then consider this: Tell her you want to kiss this chick HB-x that you know, just one time. Then u will take her back if she can deal with that. even if you don't have another check to lineup to kiss tell her that you do. I always tell chicks I'm with that I believe in equal playing field and what's good for the goose is good for the gander. she gets a free kiss in the middle of the relationship then so do you.

 

[Maximus Rex]

i am only 19 and have never experienced true love before thinking id never meet anyone and finally did meet someone whom i truly fell in love with.

Actually, you love her "f*ck me," eyes and how her fellatio technique resembles Mia Khalifa's. You also likes the way she'll suddenly come off your head and hold your unit close to her mouth like a microphone then say cute lil sh*t about how good her fellatio technique is. You also have a thing for the way she has you like this

when you nut, after she squeezes those nookie muscles around your sh*t. Plus she can bake an apple pie that rivals your granny's. From reading your post, it's obvious that your too emotionally immature to handle being in a relationship, so let me ask you this question, how does being in a relationship at 19 benefit you?

 

[lilwiz55]

Haha I actually like how brutally honest everyone is. Yes it is my first relationship. i have had enough experiences with other girls. I enjoyed the comfort of a relationship and having someone to open up to and share my burdens. I don't know when next i will find that again, a person that really got me.

I am not afraid to admit that i am indeed emotionally immature, maturity is gained through experience and i have never had this experience before. I guess, i was just trying to follow how my parent's relationship is sticking together threw thick and thin. That being said, the people with experience, you all, can't be wrong and so i will take the advice. Thank you all, but can't blame me for being confused. I am still young, still trying to grow. I appreciate you all being there in that process.

More replies and more opinions are still welcomed. I would like to hear what even more people have to say about the situation still. O

 

[Desdinova]

She called me yesterday telling me shes been crying herself to sleep and she misses me so much.

She's only caught up in the moment. Her true interest has not changed just because she's got two leaky faucets on her face.

I told her that If i was to even consider forgiving her and getting back with her that it would be on my terms, I stated all my terms, and she has to completely erase any trace of her ex from existence.

You cannot order a woman to get over her ex. Attraction is not a choice.

Maybe i am a sucker but i believed her, she did sound hurt and down when i spoke to her.

She'll be on her best behaviour for a little while. Once you get comfortable and boring again, she'll re-visit him.

What y'all think? At least give it another shot and see if things change and at the first sign of something happening that im not remotely okay with at that point tell her she had her chance and blew it?

She already blew it. Relationships and people's feelings aren't something to be fvcked around with. She already fvcked around with BOTH.

We truly did have a connection. It wasn't all fake. I truly did feel warmth and love coming from her.

What are you? A woman? You're 'feeling' too many girly things. You need to learn the feeling of 'pissed off', 'betrayed' and 'won't take that 5hit'.

She told me that all she was trying to do was forgive her ex so that she could move on and be happy with me.

By making out with him?

You can do that stuff without even contacting the person.

In doing so, she was in a vulnerable state and had a temporary lapse in judgement or at least so the story goes. She pleaded for forgiveness for about an hour over the phone.

That's her talking, isn't it? You're parroting all the bull5hit she fed you. Listen to her actions, not her words.

There is a huge battle happening in my head. On one side the logic is telling me dump her on the spot and i have all the evidence i need. However, on the other side, the emotion is trying to cling on to all the happy memories we have had.

Today's men are being too damn emotional and wimpy. You're essentially a woman with a penis. You need to put some ba11s under that penis and become a man who doesn't tolerate bull5hit from others.

This year has been a big year in my life. I actually had an operation, while i was recovering, she was there for me helping me and pampering me.

That's your mom's job. I'm sure you're capable of taking care of yourself.

I completed my A levels and graduated, she was there and she was there when i got my results and when i got accepted into university.

I'm desperately searching for the point of this. This woman hasn't even BEGUN to have a life-long journey with you. Six months is fvck all.

Should i be willing to let go of such memories that can only happen once and the person i shared them with, who supported me through them?

Yes, and the emotions that go with them. Time fixes the wounds and makes the feelings fade.

But you've obviously made your choice. You need to go and get your head and emotions all fvcked up by her again and hopefully you'll learn your lesson the second time around.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Before I get into my reply, let me just state: it sounds like you're more in love with being in love than actually being in love with this particular person.

I get it, 'cause most of us have been there. If you haven't been able to experience love before, any feeling of it you get feels so good that you want to hold onto it, even if the reality is fleeting.

Anyway - When I read this part of your OP:

after a month of dating we became exclusive

My first thought was: Oh, so that means they're going to break up.

Kid, me and some of these other guys have been in this game for a looooong time. And what you need to learn is this: if you're becoming exclusive with a girl after less than 3 months, it's WAAAAAAAY too soon. Why? Not enough due diligence to see if this girl is actually relationship material or worth your time, and it takes more than a month for a woman's feelings for you to solidify enough that she won't do stuff like cheat on you.

Also: don't feel bad that you kissed your ex and her in the same week. The reality is, when you're in the dating phase with someone, you can do whatever you'd like until she actually becomes the girlfriend. Heck, I once told a girl that I had sex with that I took another girl out on a date the next week. She wanted to argue, and I cut it short like "but we weren't in a relationship at the time, so it doesn't matter" and kept it pushin'. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR THAT EVER.

Anyway... the fact that you were in a relationship with this girl and she kissed another guy means she's OUT. You're never going to be able to comfortably trust her, and if there isn't trust there, trying to make it work is going to be a PAIN. You're going to hear her say she wants to go to a club with her girlfriends and wonder if she's kissing on guys there; you're going to hear her say she wants some time to herself and you're going to wonder if she's really staying at home or being "by herself" at some other guy's house. And it's not going to be a fun thing to be in, which is what a relationship SHOULD be about 80% of the time.

So, don't be blinded by the feeling of "love." You're not in love with her, you're in love with "love," and that's a dangerous thing. You're 19, and I can assure you that you WILL find other women out there more deserving of you and what you have to offer.