Girlfriend is out of town? Blew me off..

[Mxrider01]

Hey guys, I have been dating this girl for a year now and we have great relationship. I see us being together for a while....

She recently went out of state back to her hometown were she pretty much grew up to stay and visit with her best girlfriend who she hasn't seen in a long time. She left earlier this week saying she was gonna be back new years day, then it was friday,then saturday now its sunday when she is coming home supposedly.

The thing that pisses me off:cuss: (she doesn't know yet that I'm mad) is the fact that I had planned on her coming back and we made plans to do stuff, then she calls and cancels. Pisses me off when I schedule and plan for activites and she flakes! She does Not do it frequently, but it has built up with me to the point where its really bothering me. It, at this point, seems like she is blowing me off to go out with her friends and leave me hangin=disrespect.

She has offered to spend the entire day of sunday with me as soon as she gets back....right now i'm too pissed to hang out with her...Isn't it atleast a good sign that she wants to spend that time with me? Its my understanding that I shouldn't really show my anger...yes ....no?

My question: How would you guys respond, since I have yet to talk to her?

Is there a ****y/funny way of playing this off?

Thanks for the help.

 

[Four_Aces]

My girl has done this to me before. In my opinion, they do this from time to time. Ideally it would never happen. But there's been nights where she's blown me off to go to the local "meat market" bar with her girlfriends, and it's really pissed me off. (especially because I concidentally ran into her at that bar that night, haha)

When it comes down to it, I think your girl just might want some time away from the whole "relationship thing", and have some meaningless fun with her girl friends.

 

[decades]

I think you are being too available...you are kind of being the "female" in the relationship, pestering, demanding more time, waiting patiently for your "one and only" to come back to her true love after a week of partying without him.. you have oneitis and are somewhat dependent. You really should make yourself unavailable to her when she finally does come home. She is the prize in your relationship and you aren't. She isn't very anxious to get home to her "prize" is she? You have her up on a pedestal and she doesn't have you up on one. She knows she has you in her hip pocket, you aren't a challenge any more. She is young and likes the excitement of being away from you. I have a hunch that she is partying with old HS and college buddies. She is at that age right?

 

[Mxrider01]

Yeah Persistent exaction she is 26. They are her old college friends.

Not to pump your ego too much exaction, but your kinda right on the nose with your "hunch" on things. I guess the good thing is that I recognize you are correct and the error of my ways...I want to fix my behavior.

Its funny how one-itis creeps up on you and makes me resort to AFC ways...when I'm emotionally involved in kinda blinds me to the obvious helps me appreciate outside views.

My question now, is how unavailable do i make myself?
I understand there are no concrete rules to this, but I want to do this in the best way possible so not to come off as a compete A-hole, or at least be somewhat tactful about it.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

How, exactly, did the conversation go where she said she'd be back new years day? And I mean exactly.

Did she phrase it to give herself out 'out' i.e. "I should be back new years, so maybe we could hang out or someting?"

Or was she more precise, i.g. "I'll be back new years day at 12:00" and waited for you to make plans.

the fact that a girl who you say you "have a great relationship with" and "see being together for a while" decided to spend new years eve NOT with you (were you invited to go with her?) should send up red flags.

Since you didn't press her EXACTLY when she was coming back, and make specific plans, BEFORE she left, you may have already dropped the ball.

If you got some brass ones, have a convesation with her about it, but stay totally calm. Say something like

"you know, we've been together for a year, and I thought we might have something special. But since you went away for new years, and didn't seem to be in such a big hurry to get back, I suppose you don't feel the same way. don't get me wrong, you feel what you feel. You can't change that. I just guess that means that it's time to rethink this."

Then just STFU and see how she reacts. If she apologetic, just keep coming back to the fact (calm calm calm) that you can't really see having a serious relationship with somebody that blew you off on new years. Your underlying attitude is "you wanna stay together, you better behave." DO NOT say this in those terms. Just have the attitude: You get what you want, or you walk. but with respect. No anger.

this whole thing could be a test. Was this your first holidays together? What did you do on christmast, did you give each other special gifts?

and in the meantime, work on getting more prospects.

 

[Mxrider01]

RE: taiyuu_otoko

To begin we had plans for news years eve with some friends, she played it off like those "plans" seemed to be up in the air so she made other concrete plans(to go out of town). She did invite me, but, the thing was she left last sunday and was to come back thurs, and she knows that I gotta work, have bills mortgage etc...So I couldn't go on short notice.

I did expect her back at a certain time frame since she has obligations and an animal to take care of. But to answer your question ,No, we had no concrete plans for thurs, just to hang out. When she didn't show or call I contacted her and she informs me that her best friends sister has no one to go party with so they were gonna go out and she'll come home friday, thats when we made plans to specifically do something(friday night). I get a voice mail and text saying she had a late night and she is gonna hang for another night out of town. She call me today (saturday) and we talked for a few minutes about her night out with the "girls", and AGAIN made specific plans to have a night "just the two of us", and AGAIN she calls and texts with "go have fun with the boys I'm stayin until Sunday". But according to her, when she gets home sunday she wants to hang out with me all day.

When she cancels on me like that more than once it angers me and throws some flags up...I just want to react to it correctly since it could all be just a test or she could be checking out of the relationship and shopping for another guys. I dunno....hate to see a decent relationship go down the drain for stupid stuff in my eyes.

Yes, it was our first holidays together, and yes we did get each other special gifts.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

When she cancels on me like that more than once it angers me and throws some flags up...I just want to react to it correctly since it could all be just a test or she could be checking out of the relationship and shopping for another guys. I dunno....hate to see a decent relationship go down the drain for stupid stuff in my eyes.

Just reading this through the internet, seems like she thought she wanted to have fun, and didn't think it would be a big deal blowing you off. It seems that she expects you to be waiting for her to get back, whenever she decides to get back.

For me, personally, this would be a deal breaker. If a girl left me dry on new years eve, see ya. If you wanna make sure you aren't throwing anything away, tell her you're busy (don't be huffy or angry) and stay away from her for a week or so. She needs to question her assumption that you'll always be there for her. If she asks directly, tell you are having second thoughts about the relationship, and just keep it vague. If there's anything there, make her fight for it. If she is not willing to step up, let her go. But whatever you do, don't get angry at her. That will just make her think that it's your fault. Calm calm calm.

 

[Nutz]

Just reading this through the internet, seems like she thought she wanted to have fun, and didn't think it would be a big deal blowing you off. It seems that she expects you to be waiting for her to get back, whenever she decides to get back.

For me, personally, this would be a deal breaker. If a girl left me dry on new years eve, see ya. If you wanna make sure you aren't throwing anything away, tell her you're busy (don't be huffy or angry) and stay away from her for a week or so. She needs to question her assumption that you'll always be there for her. If she asks directly, tell you are having second thoughts about the relationship, and just keep it vague. If there's anything there, make her fight for it. If she is not willing to step up, let her go. But whatever you do, don't get angry at her. That will just make her think that it's your fault. Calm calm calm.

That's great advice. I can only hope the OP listens to him.

 

[Colossus]

Hey guys, I have been dating this girl for a year now and we have great relationship. I see us being together for a while....

She recently went out of state back to her hometown were she pretty much grew up to stay and visit with her best girlfriend who she hasn't seen in a long time. She left earlier this week saying she was gonna be back new years day, then it was friday,then saturday now its sunday when she is coming home supposedly.

The thing that pisses me off:cuss: (she doesn't know yet that I'm mad) is the fact that I had planned on her coming back and we made plans to do stuff, then she calls and cancels. Pisses me off when I schedule and plan for activites and she flakes! She does Not do it frequently, but it has built up with me to the point where its really bothering me. It, at this point, seems like she is blowing me off to go out with her friends and leave me hangin=disrespect.

She has offered to spend the entire day of sunday with me as soon as she gets back....right now i'm too pissed to hang out with her...Isn't it atleast a good sign that she wants to spend that time with me? Its my understanding that I shouldn't really show my anger...yes ....no?

My question: How would you guys respond, since I have yet to talk to her?

Is there a ****y/funny way of playing this off?

Thanks for the help.

You have every right to be upset, because repeated flaking IS disrespectful. I don't care if it's a gf, a buddy, a family member...it just is.

It sounds to me like she is just throwing you a bone by "offering" to hang out with you on sunday (today). It may seem like a good sign, but it's not. When a woman has high interest in you she wont throw you a bone like that just to appease you. She will make time in her schedule to see you without you having to initiate or prod her.

The thing about women is that they primarily seek the comfort and security a relationship offers, and when they feel secure enough they will often start to take your presence for granted and test the limits, albeit usually unconsciously. The 1 year mark is a common time. How you react to things like this is absolutely paramount to the outcome, I cant stress this enough.

You are correct that you shouldn't show your anger, because this will only push her away and make her disrespect you more. What you can (and probably should) show is disappointment. How you broach this with her is up to you, but keep in mind that she is a woman and she will probably see nothing wrong with what she did. She does have every right to hang out with her friend as long as she wishes, but the point is she blew you off to do so which is disrespectful. Expect her to justify this and redirect the blame to you for being upset she was hanging out with her friend.

Dont concern yourself with this C+F bullsh!t. It's really only a tool for picking up and short-term dating. All that will gain you now is more bottled up resentment for not dealing with the issue directly.

If I was you I would just tell her, with zen-like composure, that you are disappointed in her flaking and you found it rude considering you made plans. And leave it at that. She will still protest and justify, but as long as you don't allow yourself to get sucked in to her trap you will be on solid ground.

 

[mikeraw]

Hey OP,

What taiyuu_otoko said about making a stand and telling her that you're having second thoughts, is exactly right. However, be aware that girls can usually take these scenarios and turn them around on the guy.

For instance, she may agree to what you say and say something like "Yeah, I was thinking about our relationship, too.." or she may try to take you out of your control frame by saying "Well, let's talk about it right now..." or she may say something to make you lose your cool...

I don't exacty know hot to deal with this situation myself, but be prepared for it... In fact, you can't really plan for EVERY possible scenario, so just be brief if and when you do say what taiyuu_otoko recommended.

 

[decades]

I think you are still looking at this from the angle of "how do I make sure I keep my prize?". Until you can get out of this frame of her being the prize and you "needing" the prize then you are in trouble. If this were me, I would simply go underground for a week or so and not respond to her. I wouldn't tell her anything. The next time she called, if she did, I would then have the conversation with her. But I see you in a oneitis situation that you have to change at a core level before you can make progress here.

 

[decades]

Hey OP,

What taiyuu_otoko said about making a stand and telling her that you're having second thoughts, is exactly right. However, be aware that girls can usually take these scenarios and turn them around on the guy.

For instance, she may agree to what you say and say something like "Yeah, I was thinking about our relationship, too.." or she may try to take you out of your control frame by saying "Well, let's talk about it right now..." or she may say something to make you lose your cool...

I don't exacty know hot to deal with this situation myself, but be prepared for it... In fact, you can't really plan for EVERY possible scenario, so just be brief if and when you do say what taiyuu_otoko recommended.

So. Let her walk. If you can't let her walk, then you are in deep trouble.

 

[horaholic]

Im seeing a definite possibility of cheating here. She's out of town for New Years eve, getting God knows how wasted, with God knows who. She invites you, knowing you are not able to go. Then she wants to stay a couple extra days, cuz 'her girlfriend has noone to party with.' I dont believe that. What kind of girl has 'noone to party with'?

I dont know, but that seems really fishy in my eyes.

 

[CGE333]

I agree with the posters that say you are too available to her. I am not sure if there is any cheating- I could be wrong but I doubt it. One thing is for sure- if she is cheating- she has rationalized in that head of hers


I would act like it is no big deal and if she asks what you did keep it vague and let it slip that you went out with some "friends" let her read into that what she will. If I were you I'd get out there and start chatting up other women. Even if that is all that it is it will give your skills some practice, plus if she sees other women are interested in you, it raises your value.

 

[Mr. Me]

It sounds to me like it's not the "great relationship" you say it is, and you may be on the way out or with a low interest woman.

 

[jophil28]

She has offered to spend the entire day of sunday with me as soon as she gets back....right now i'm too pissed to hang out with her...Isn't it atleast a good sign that she wants to spend that time with me? Its my understanding that I shouldn't really show my anger...yes ....no?

Her actions tell you that being with YOU are not her #1 priority any more ...she assumes that you are "in the bag" .. IT is called taking you for granted. Low interest, no challenge,no competition anxiety in her anymore. You are like that ole computer game that she has all figured out..

NOw she has the arrogance to give you Sunday when she finally finishes partying with her G/f and who knows who else. She is planning to placate you by "offering to spend the entire day of Sunday with you ..." Wow ! Lucky you !

I would NOT see her Sunday because you have "made other plans."
SHe is solidly in control of the frame here. Women who are truly in love with a man do not "offer " to see him when all her other party committments were out of the way.
YOu have a serious problem dude.
IF I were you I would ask another woman out Sunday, and tell your G/f that you and she need to "take a break" then let her work her way back in to your good graces. IF she does not want to do that you have your answer.

Be as cool as you can be even if your are raging mad inside.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Great replies on this thread.

To the OP: There's holding your temper and there's being a doormat, and between the two is a fine line. This is a case where your girlfriend was disrespectful to you, and those always warrant a response, unless you believe it would be better to walk. You don't need to get angry, but you DO have to let her know it was unacceptable to keep blowing you off after you made plans, thus sacrificing your [hopefully] valuable time. The problem is, you need to set limits like these from the getgo, not a year into the relationship--so be prepared for her to act as though you're making a big deal out of nothing. Don't get angry or say anything offensive, but don't back down, because you have a legitimate concern.

If the tables were turned and you ditched your girl on new years' eve to hang with your buddies, you would most certainly be taken to task. So why spare her?

In a relationship where everything seems great, it's very easy to avoid confrontation out of fear that it might drive the two of you apart. The alternative--letting your anger and resentment build up--isn't any better, though. I would say that your best bet (if you haven't already seen her) is to make other plans and tell her you're going to be busy for the next few days, and wait until the next time you see her to calmly confront her on her bad behavior. This will make you seem a bit less needy.

I'm not going to join the 'NEXT HER' camp because it looks as though you dropped a lot of newbie sosuave jargon in your posts, and a lot of time new posters will do the sosuave equivalent of obsessive WebMD symptom-searching in their own relationships and uncover tons of 'red flags' that are often just a result of their own lack of leadership in the relationship. I think what she did was very rude, but if your relationship to this point was characterized by a lack of planning and boundaries, then there's a good chance that she simply didn't think there wasn't anything wrong with what she did.

Bottom line: If you truly have a great relationship, you should be able to tell her why this bothered you and she should be sorry and promise to never do it again without picking a fight with you.

 

[ReddJive]

She just told you where her priorities are. Get the hint.

 

[dustmuffin]

She just told you where her priorities are. Get the hint.

This thread is 8 years old........