Girlfriend doesn't want a relationship, her feelings all over the place, advice?

[Spearmint]

To everyone here, I really need some strong uplifting words and advice from the pros here on what to do.

A few days ago it felt like I had lost all my feelings for my girlfriend or girlfriend I am still seeing but not in a relationship.
Basically, I managed to discover what was going on when I felt like I had lost feelings in my girlfriend. It was something called cognitive dissonance, and I realised I was that upset about her getting with other guys a few weeks before we were exclusive, that upset that it put a huge downer on me and I couldn’t really feel much else for her, so I changed my beliefs to match how I was behaving.
Anyway, whilst I was feeling how I was, I obviously spoke to her about it and she said she felt the same sort of. She said that she was up and down in how she felt, that she thought it best if we remain at a level of “best friends” or something like that but with everything else as well.
When she told me this, I was not that affected as I felt numb to everything. My feelings soon came back however and last night after a day of me being able to tell by her body language that she was acting “off” I asked her what was going on and she said the same things as usual.
She told me its unfair to me because her feeling are constantly changing and sometime she won't want to kiss me or hold my hand but other times she will want to have sex with me and spend time with me and its not fair so she'd just rather keep me on the minimal of just being friends.
She has said to her friend that if she moves on, she will lose me altogether and if she stays we will end up hating each other and that I can't understand why she’d want to be single unless it is because she wants to get with other boys.

She has said that she can see it in my eyes when I know I am losing her and I look so sad. Her friend has said you can tell I like her, in fact love her so much but if she is unsure it is not fair to lead me. She has said to her that if she liked me enough being with me, it would be better than the thought of being alone.

She has said she wants time to realise if she has made a mistake. She has said that in a relationship she feels tied down and pressured. I know I do little things sometimes immaturely to irritate her, but they are minor things such as changing her status on facebook etc. Things you do with friends.

She says she uses those little things to get annoyed at me and think that a relationship is not for her.
She says she loves me and that I make her happier than any other boy she has known and that she knows I care about her and all her friends think I am amazing etc.

What the hell am I meant to do now?
If I stay friends with her now, she will get comfortable with me won’t she and keep me there to let herself get over me easily, but she said last night that id I tore away completely then she would just forget me. And now I do not know what to do.

What I hate the most is the thought of her with another guy or just being single because it makes my blood boil that she has said she loves me and all that but doesn’t want to be with me at the moment.
It pisses me off that she is being so stupid about it all.

The problem is right now I am at her house for a few more days so I see her morning and night I cannot stay away from her right now. I go back to university next week and we all have the same friends and go to the same clubs etc.

How am I meant to act here and act the right way in order to achieve a situation favourable to me. What is favourable to me?

 

[Spearmint]

What do you mean?

I believe in actions not words in this case, so I didn't listen to the compliments just looked at the actions that were occurring.

 

[resevil]

Id just say 'I was thinking the same, lets just be friends' then just ignore her and date other women.

 

[Spearmint]

That really is not helpful. I have clearly thought that but this girl means so much to me that my actions are tailored towards her.

How do I addresss this situation? What do I do?

i do not really want advice on what I should of said or done.

 

[tafakna]

To everyone here, I really need some strong uplifting words and advice from the pros here on what to do.

You were smart enough to mention cognitive dissonance, so you're probably smart enough to understand that romantic love, lust and attachment are 3 separate beasts, controlled by different hormones/neurotransmitters, and dealt different in real life.

She values your friendship, she fells guilty because you're sad, but doesn't want a relationship.

Here's the gameplan:

1) You mantain the friendship as people value true friendship, and a true friendship isn't one in which you give up if you don't get things your way. Maintaining it will just be very important later on.

2) People resent feeling guilty after a while. Appealing to pity is the worse path there is, it makes you feel like s#!t, destroys your self-esteem and will make her resent you very shortly. So tell her you value her friendship, that you feel fine and ready to move on. Act like you completely agree that a relationship is not a good option at this point. She will feel relieved that you feel this way, and at the same time puzzled by your confidence.

3) Move one. Start dating other girls, hit the gym, travel with your friends. IF a reunion happens, she will not be getting back with 'you', she will be getting back to a 'new you' (someone more confident, more decisive, and with bigger cojones). You sound desperate, hopeless, and pretty much like a door mat waiting for her to make all decisions. That's NOT good. She needs to feel like she can lose you for good, and that will only happens when she can actually lose you for good. Pretending will not work, you need to be better, happy in your new life, dating other girls, seeing all the options there is. If at that point you still feel the same for her fine, but I've seen many people actually want to move on at this point.

In a nutshell: show you can keep a true friendship, accept the end of the relationship, be eager to this new chapter, show that your changing for good and that she might lose you.

Not all people will agree with this, but then again it's a proven method and nobody ventured any other opinions.

 

[Bible_Belt]

What is favourable to me?

I'd say having enough respect for yourself to realize that your attention is worthy of a girl who reciprocates your feelings on the same level. If she doesn't, then you have to distance yourself and move on.

You're just young, and that hurts your perspective. I was once the same way. But after enough women come and go, none of them are nearly as big of a deal as they used to seem.

 

[betheman]

she is putting it around and wants to continue to do so, your only options are tel her, ok, we can be friends with benefits, although your attached so this clearly isnt going to work, so you are left with leaving her alone, no contact and getting on with your life.

we can discuss this till the cows come home but realisticaly, her mind isnt all over the place, she just doesnt think your are all she wants

 

[tafakna]

I'd say having enough respect for yourself to realize that your attention is worthy of a girl who reciprocates your feelings on the same level. If she doesn't, then you have to distance yourself and move on.

I'd partially agree. Obviously respect is lacking here and that's the reason she can't see him as relationship material.

But the key to the issue is that he needs to command respect. Respect cannot be demanded. Simply nexting her will only postpone the issue that's bound to happen again and again (which is explained in your post as "but after enough women come and go").

That's the major issue I have with the usual algorithm on sosuave. People that command respect will have it with any women, people that demand as it's a right will never get it.

It's not like no one here ever noticed that some guys get it right time after time again; while others are always whining that girls can't be trusted, that they are messed up, that nexting is the only option...

THERE IS A BETTER WAY... honestly...

Spearmint is bound to make plenty of mistakes ('the thought of her with another guy or just being single because it makes my blood boil' says it all) and never get her back.

But I'm 100% positive that he would if he did everything I've mentioned: improved himself, accept her friendship (nothing says 'hey, I've moved on' as much as this), and started to meet new girls and live his life as the whole process was easy.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

The poster saying improve yourself is absolutely spot on.

At the end of the day, do you want to be in this position again? Because unless you do something to change yourself, it's more than likely you will be. There is no shame in this happening to you, in fact I'd say you need to be very lucky to avoid it happening at some point, most everyone goes through it.

However, don't just next her, write her off as BPD or crazy or whatever, aak yourself, why.....why has she done this? Are there things about you that you could be doing better with? Your body, your clothes, your job, if so change them. It happened to me with my gf, almost exactly the same thing you describe, I wrote it off as her fault, met another girl, dumped again, eventually I realised that the problem was largely me, acting needy, un confident, and with massive potential to improve myself in the looks department. From what you've said I can almost guarantee you've been needy with her, and that is just an absolute attraction killer.

She sounds like a very honest, good girl, so my advice? Be friends with her, improve yourself, and move on, which will inevitably lead to you dating other girls. BUT, and this is the big point, don't do all of this stuff in order to get her back, do it to improve yourself. If it suddenly makes her change her mind then great, id wager that she would at the very least have doubts about her decision if you do make drastic improvements. But you should be doing this for you, not for her, or for any other girls for that matter. Yes the added attention from girls when you hit the gym etc is all very nice, but it's not, or at least it shouldn't be, the main focus.

Basically all I am saying is work on yourself, every aspect possible, and I promise the results will come, probably quite quickly as well.

 

[Spearmint]

Where does the worry of her getting with other boys come from?

I know everyone feels it at the end of a relationship or something similar.

If someone said, I give you a cast iron promise your ex girlfriend or boyfriend won't end up with anyone else etc, then I imagine people wouldn't feel half as bad in break ups.

How can that be worked on?

 

[Serg897]

What is favourable to me?

I'd say having enough respect for yourself to realize that your attention is worthy of a girl who reciprocates your feelings on the same level. If she doesn't, then you have to distance yourself and move on.

You're just young, and that hurts your perspective. I was once the same way. But after enough women come and go, none of them are nearly as big of a deal as they used to seem.

This is the truth, as I'm slowly but surely starting to realize. Don't bother with a woman that doesnt put in as much into the relationship as you want to put in. She must meet you halfway. Its "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine", not "You scratch my back and I'll think about scratching yours".

At the end of the day, women will always come and go. The only true friend and companion you can count on in this world is yourself.

 

[Spearmint]

She's said that she no longer wants anything in the future basically because she knows what I am like now

That when something bad happens I over think and worry and talk to my friends about it and she finds out and that.

Said it's odd or weird that I get so worked up about someone that I have only known them for 4 months.

She went so far to say crazy which I scoffed at

It's annoying because I was left speechless, she said how much I meant to her, how she cares for me and how much she loves me and was in love with me and then I get the third degree about caring too much about something and trying not to lose it.

I can't understand how she can just flip from one thing to another so effortlessly and appear like she doesn't give a ****

Any ideas?

 

[whatacreep]

Man The **** Up.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Actions speak louder then words. All the signs were there. Work on your third eye and you can see many problems before they occur.