Girlfriend Depressed.

[HBK]

Hi guys,

My girlfriend admitted to me this morning she was depressed. This isn't the first time, as last summer she was stressed and depressed about her work. I helped her through it, however after a wonderful Christmas and New Year, she was feeling down because of her work. She hates her boss, and doesn't like her job any more. She feels that he bullies her, as she is a manager of her own department, and tries to humiliate her. Now I know women are emotional, and make drama, but at the same time she is very upset, and doesn't know what to do. I'm her boyfriend and want to help as best I can. Not a therapist, but she looks up to me to take care of the shi!t.

I advised her to leave this job, and never look back. But firstly, I advised maybe she should speak to HR, with an impartial witness and bring it to her companies attention that she isn't happy with her working conditions and it's having a bad effect on her.. I'm not sure how to proceed, any advise would be much appreciated guys.

Thank you.

 

[PeakIV]

be careful, this isn't the start of a slippery slope.....

Mine started the everyone at work is out to get me and depression stuff.
This just got worse until full blown psychosis appeared.

this may just be a phase though just watch out for any other red flags such as it's never her fault always someone else's etc...you just have to be emphatic but as you say you are not her shrink....

 

[The Duke]

I wouldn't trust HR to do anything but make matters worse. I'd start looking for a new job before I told anybody I was unhappy. Been there done that, they don't care about your happiness. All they care about is if you show up every day and do what they ask. You give them any sort of static, regardless of how justified it may be and you get put on a black list.

 

[Gro0ver]

I wouldn't trust HR to do anything but make matters worse. I'd start looking for a new job before I told anybody I was unhappy. Been there done that, they don't care about your happiness. All they care about is if you show up every day and do what they ask. You give them any sort of static, regardless of how justified it may be and you get put on a black list.

I've worked in HR and I can tell you it's down to how competent the company's department is. I dealt with depressed employees on a few occasions, we would usually refer them to a medical company that we contracted for an assessment and then depending on the recommendation they would usually get 4-6 weeks off work fully paid and then get re-assessed and at some point start a staggered return to work.

However as I said it depends on how competent the department is, it should be taken seriously though.

 

[SecondHalf]

Be sure she wants your advice. It may be she just wants to vent.
If it's petty, then it's best not to advise anything.

If not, she must not get involved with the managers drama. As soon as she does, she's lost. Tell her to just work a 9-5 job and keep a low profile.
Might as well, the boss appears to be trying to slow her down anyway.

Keep it vague, only advise if you are asked and remind her if she's asking the same questions. You don't want to end up being her crutch.

SH

 

[bmp2cpm]

To a man, this situation is a problem, which must be solved by the best answer available.

To a woman, this is an emotional state, not a problem with logical answers. She has to "feel" her way out out it. Best to to encourage her to talk to her girlfriends about it.

Don't try to fix it. Just make sure she doesn't stop working and expect you to be her meal ticket.


“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” - George Carlin

 

[Slickster]

Don't try to solve a woman's problems. Just listen.

 

[HBK]

Thanks guys, all excellent advice. I'm 50/50 about mentioning HR to her as a route, but I have advised about quitting and getting a new job. Well as they say "monkey branch". I have worked stressful jobs before, and at times hated managers. But that's life, and you man up and make a decision and find solutions. Like a previous poster said, women are emotional and feel everyone is out to get them. Now the opposite side to being a DJ is when your woman is feeling upset/depressed what do you do. This is important as men that we can listen to them as well, and not try and "fix everything" which is impossible. I have lost friends and close relatives in the past to suicide and depression, so that's why I'm being very cautious and serious about this matter. It's not just a "oh woe me" moment with her.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Just paraphrase and reflect what she says and how she feels. Don't solve anything, don't give advice. Use your ears not your brain.

 

[Desdinova]

As a bf, it is NOT your job to fix your gf's life. That's her job.

Instead of freely driving her to a solution, you need to help her steer in the direction she needs to go. That is the man's job in the relationship - to help her gain focus so she can get there on her own. You're like the cheerleader, feeding positive energy into her saying things like "you can do it" and "you're almost there" which is another way to give her emotional fluctuation (going from a heavy negative to a heavy positive). If you don't help her steer her life, she's just going to get fvcking lost. If you just drop the solution in her hands, she won't learn anything and you don't get any emotional fluctuation.

 

[Renegade357]

My g/f has been doing this lately. It's been a real bummer when we make plans together and she shows up in a complete blown up mood.

 

[Desdinova]

My g/f has been doing this lately. It's been a real bummer when we make plans together and she shows up in a complete blown up mood.

What I always did was make myself happy as hell in her presence. Happiness can really rub off on people. If she's being stubborn and staying in her rotten mood, take her home early.

 

[Renegade357]

If she's being stubborn and staying in her rotten mood, take her home early.

I took her home early the other night. Tried being supportive and all that. The real thing I need to work on is not letting her bad mood rub off on me. I'm a bit worried that the frequency will intensify. I listen to the problems but they don't seem to be that serious. It's all this person says this and this person isn't professional. ect... I think it's all in her head.

 

[HBK]

Thanks for the advice guys. We had a good chat this weekend, and she opened up to me about her work and what was happening. I don't think she needs to go to therapy, and she has decided to quit her job in 3 months time. I would prefer to go to her work and deal with her boss myself, but she doesn't want me to get involved.

I'm helping her look for a new job, but also encouraged her to be more active and start join a few classes and keeping herself healthy and happy.

 

[betheman]

Thanks for the advice guys. We had a good chat this weekend, and she opened up to me about her work and what was happening. I don't think she needs to go to therapy, and she has decided to quit her job in 3 months time. I would prefer to go to her work and deal with her boss myself, but she doesn't want me to get involved.

I'm helping her look for a new job, but also encouraged her to be more active and start join a few classes and keeping herself healthy and happy.

and beyond 3 months? you dont just quit without a back up plan! methinks there is something else going on here

 

[zekko]

I advised her to leave this job, and never look back

I'm a little concerned about this. Women statistically get depressed more than men do. What if she gets another job and is still depressed, or gets depressed again? Is she going to quit that one, too? All jobs have their downside, is she going to quit every time she hits a bump in the road? What are the odds that she finds one that she is really, truly happy with.

Like betheman says, if you're going to quit your job, you should have a backup plan, or at least a clear idea of what you want to do instead. Preferably, you should already have another job lined up.

 

[Burgess]

Hi HBK,
Take her in confidence and try to share her depression. Engage her in some physical activity and tell her to limit salt in her meals and add raw food more in her daily meals.