Girlfriend causes trouble after my mom passes away

[EastWind]

Hey,

I need thoughts and maybe some advice about the troubles I'm having with my girlfriend.

I'm 23. My mother passed away three weeks ago after a short, fierce battle with melanoma. She was gone in three months. This is hard enough on me, because we got along great, really great and we were quite close.

My girlfriend just turned 20, and started University a month ago. We have been together since January. She's quite young, but intelligent, she's almost always happy and I like that about her. She has a lot of energy and needs a strong hand, i.e. she needs to be dominated a bit.

This was not too big of an issue before my mom became sick. She lives in France, so I had to stay there for longer periods, such as the three weeks before last, in which time my girlfriend started University.

I had thought beforehand there might be some trouble, since I'm her first everything, basically (kiss, time, boyfriend) and she is quite inexperienced, so she'd probably cause trouble; but within four days of me being back and quite sad, she told me things have changed, that I'm very difficult to be around, and she's just not sure whether we fit together anymore, that she has no idea how to behave around me, etc. She added that she feels she might be more of a support for me as a friend, that she really, really likes me and actually doesn't want to be separated from me.

Since then (four days ago), she's written some nice texts asking how I'm doing, I met her yesterday in our usual bar while going there with my friends, it was OK, though at the end she just said "bye" and left.

There are some more elements to this but I wanted to throw the basic story out there. If we split, I'd want her out of my life for a few weeks/months while I get to terms with it. I really like her, and I need to get over her in that case.

Of course I'm not so easy to be around; my mom passed away. But I'd have expected her to put in the ****ing effort. It's probable that she feels I'm not manly enough right now - at least not when judged by her definition.

What I'd like is thoughts - maybe some advice, but mainly the views of third parties on her behavior.

Thanks, EastWind

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear East Wind,
Pick up your bundle and get on with it like the rest of us.

 

[Jitterbug]

Sorry to hear about your mum, mate. That must've been some very rough months.

As for your GF, it's pretty typical of the modern strong intelligent independent empowered young woman who would proactively get herself out of any responsibility the moment she detects it. Likely advised by the Female Council (her friends) that she's still young and should have some fun right now before it's too late!

I've heard so many versions of that story. It's always a hard time for the guy - close friend / family member passed away, illness or serious injury, job loss - and in that same period, he gets dumped.

You need to dump her and go no contact. No matter how much you USED to like her, she is showing you enormous disrespect here. For God's sake, your mother just passed away!!! It's not always about her or her feelings or how hard it is for her to behave around you in your grieving period. If you said the same sh1t to her after her mother passed away, you'd be painted by everyone as an evil selfish heartless man, and rightly so. And guess what, that's exactly what she is!

Dump that b1tch, brother.

 

[search1ng]

Dear East Wind,
Pick up your bundle and get on with it like the rest of us.

Not to be a douche but, are you that coarse cause you're 66?
Guys mother just died, cut him some slack. I mean hell, you may mean well but there's a world of difference between;
Hey, you've been through a rough time but nothing good will come of feeling depressed - time to man up and move on.

and

"Pick up your bundle and get on with it like the rest of us."

Bummer cause you usually have really good insights ...

BTW, OP - Get. Rid. Of. The. Girl. sounds like a b1tch.

 

[vatoloco]

My girlfriend just turned 20... She lives in France... she told me things have changed, that I'm very difficult to be around, and she's just not sure whether we fit together anymore, that she has no idea how to behave around me, etc. She added that she feels she might be more of a support for me as a friend...

All bad. Stick a fork in it, this one's done.

 

[Forty0ztoFreedom]

Evil b!tch. Don't talk to her ever again.

 

[Warrior74]

It's over. You know that friend line is bullcrap. Sorry about your mom and your girl man. Keep your head up and try not to get depressed. If you get to far down, seek some professional help to deal with your grief. A woman who can't understand what you are going through and give you the time to go through it and be by your side, isn't worth worrying about. She sounds childish and this sounds like it's too real for her to deal with. Maybe she's never lost anyone. Either way, hang with your boys and go out and met some new girls and try to enjoy life. Good luck.

 

[HolyG]

For God's sake, your mother just passed away!!! It's not always about her or her feelings or how hard it is for her to behave around you in your grieving period. If you said the same sh1t to her after her mother passed away, you'd be painted by everyone as an evil selfish heartless man, and rightly so. And guess what, that's exactly what she is!

Dump that b1tch, brother.

Seconded, go No Contact IMMEDIATELY.

 

[loveshogun]

Condolences.

Realize that the true pain here is that your mother died.

A girl acting one way or another is a drop in the bucket.

Do what you need to do to move on with your life. If she stays for the ride without being a burden, that's fine. If she doesn't, so be it.

This should remind you that literally anything can happen over the course of our lives - but like everyone else, you're fully capable of making the choices that will make you happy.

I can't give direct advice because I haven't been there yet. But I know people who have, and all of the ones who were really able to move on said to me that they made themselves and their well being their number one priority, and just kept doing the things that made them happy in the first place.

Not to excuse the girl's behavior either, but imagine if her parent had died and she fell into depression. That's a tough thing to deal with.

Either way, I think you need to remove the non-essentials in your life and focus on you. The only people you should be talking to and dealing with right now are the people who are your REAL friends, the ones who have known and cared for you the longest.

Once again, you know this better than anyone - your mother is dead.

This girl is NOT, I repeat NOT your major issue right now. At least, I hope she isn't. If anything, it's a good thing you found out she's the "get up and go" type a lot earlier than later.

If it's still unclear at this point, I also vote going no contact with this girl. Don't be spiteful, because having that angry attitude during this phase in your life will NOT help you. Just let her go, and focus on you. No negatives right now. Just reality, and what you can DO to make tomorrow a better day for YOU.

 

[Bible_Belt]

My girlfriend just turned 20, and started University a month ago.

That is a very typical time for a breakup to happen. The timing of your mother's death is only an unfortunate coincidence in that it happened at about the same time. My condolences on the loss of your mother. Your girlfriend, by contrast, is easily replaced.

 

[ChalengeGuyFan]

That is a very typical time for a breakup to happen. The timing of your mother's death is only an unfortunate coincidence in that it happened at about the same time. My condolences on the loss of your mother. Your girlfriend, by contrast, is easily replaced.

I was thinking the same thing.

Some girls want to ***** around in Uni, like your GF, and she doesn't want to feel guilty about it.

 

[EastWind]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks her behavior is way out of line; some people tried to get me to "understand" her. I just think there are times when it's not up to you to understand others (without becoming a total douche, obviously.)

She is young, and I have this small hope that she might grow up. But as my best friend pointed out, why do that hard work myself? Someone else will do that, and I can move on to a more understanding/fitting girl. But it's really, really hard.

 

[Someone Much cooler]

Sorry about your moms Ack, thats hard. I have a cous that passed from cancer. If u ever need to talk PM me. I agree wit biblebelt but its still wrong of shawti to do. Id stop talkin to her and the ppl who agree wit her stance, they dont have your best interest in mind.

 

[BlackJackal]

Sorry about your mom passing man.

As for your girl let that ***** go. She showed her hand and now yu know she's not one to count for anything. Which makes her worthless.

Just deal with whats important.

 

[TizZle]

Hey,

but within four days of me being back and quite sad, she told me things have changed, that I'm very difficult to be around, and she's just not sure whether we fit together anymore, that she has no idea how to behave around me, etc. She added that she feels she might be more of a support for me as a friend, that she really, really likes me and actually doesn't want to be separated from me.

Thanks, EastWind

As soon as she started with the the excuses to break up you should have just "walked away" from the relationship with no contact(Attitude and Action). As for the "friend" thing it was a nice way of saying she didn't want to be with you anymore(Never agree to being friends after a relationship).

 

[EastWind]

Last Tuesday I went over there and we had an evening as usual, talking, being happy, having great sex. I thought the problems were over. It lasted a day.

Wednesday evening is dance class night, and it just didn't feel right. She didn't enjoy herself at all and couldn't hold eye contact. Two days later we met, I said I didn't want to go on like this and she said that neither did she. We broke up.

She looked so sad, telling me she didn't understand what happened, that she still really, really likes me and doesn't want me out of her life, she wants to be there for me. She cried. I did not say yes or no, I just said I'd do what's best for me.

The problem here is that she was/is also good friends with my two very good friends. Those two have been extremely supportive, spending a lot of time with me since my mom died, and they were there for me this time too.

But she wants to keep them as friends as well - so the next day at brunch, when my friends and I got our own table, she was pissed. She asked me what I was doing, I said we're having a guy table. She just turned around and left. Later she messaged my friend, asking what the hell it was about. He said that he wasn't the one to pick that bone with and refused to talk about her and me, but still they talked for two hours about some friend of hers he wants to get with.

He told me she absolutely wants to have a talk, I can't imagine what that would be about, except for "you're stealing my friends" (who are actually my mates) and "you embarassed me in front of my friends" (??).

Thoughts?

 

[jafyk]

Sorry, to read about you losing your mom man. I lost mine 2 years ago. Right now that loss is the biggest thing for you to deal with. Just let this girl go she's not worth it. In your difficult times she can't stand by you so it's a sign she's not worth holding on to. So, what help me make it through those times was being with people who care about me and doing stuff. Of course you'ill always have those silent moments when it comes back to you. It comes at strange times and places when all of a sudden you recall this or that about your mom. If you gotta cry sure take the time to. With time it gets better.

 

[f283000]

He told me she absolutely wants to have a talk, I can't imagine what that would be about, except for "you're stealing my friends" (who are actually my mates) and "you embarassed me in front of my friends" (??).

Thoughts?

In regards to this quote of yours this is the reason why you don't involve your gf with your friends or family which they have no business being involved with.

If you go out with your buddies go out with your buddies on a guys night out. If you go out with your gf go out with your gf. There's no need to be involving her in every little aspect of your life that she has no place being in. Girlfriends are easily replaceable. More than likely you will not marry her so she has no business being around your close friends or family.

I'm assuming that she met your friends through you. Maybe you both knew them already i'm not sure. But the lesson still stands for you and every other guy if that's not the case. Try not to involve your gf with your friends. Keep your close friends and your gf separate.

 

[Packers2010]

if i was you men. i would pretty much go off at her. you think she would show some sympathy for you. DUMP HER ASS MAN

 

[Jeffst1980]

Last Tuesday I went over there and we had an evening as usual, talking, being happy, having great sex. I thought the problems were over. It lasted a day.

Wednesday evening is dance class night, and it just didn't feel right. She didn't enjoy herself at all and couldn't hold eye contact. Two days later we met, I said I didn't want to go on like this and she said that neither did she. We broke up.

She looked so sad, telling me she didn't understand what happened, that she still really, really likes me and doesn't want me out of her life, she wants to be there for me. She cried. I did not say yes or no, I just said I'd do what's best for me.

The problem here is that she was/is also good friends with my two very good friends. Those two have been extremely supportive, spending a lot of time with me since my mom died, and they were there for me this time too.

But she wants to keep them as friends as well - so the next day at brunch, when my friends and I got our own table, she was pissed. She asked me what I was doing, I said we're having a guy table. She just turned around and left. Later she messaged my friend, asking what the hell it was about. He said that he wasn't the one to pick that bone with and refused to talk about her and me, but still they talked for two hours about some friend of hers he wants to get with.

He told me she absolutely wants to have a talk, I can't imagine what that would be about, except for "you're stealing my friends" (who are actually my mates) and "you embarassed me in front of my friends" (??).

Thoughts?

Eastwind- I am really sorry to hear about your mom's passing, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation so soon afterwards.

This girl is being EXTREMELY selfish, and the worst part is that she doesn't even realize it. I think you are going to have to be honest with her in this situation and tell her that you are going through an extremely difficult time, and that she is making it FAR worse by starting drama like this. Tell her that if she cares about you as much as she claims, she'll give you (and your friends) space. Be absolutely firm that you do not want to be friends with her at this point in time, because that will just make everything that much worse.

If you are not comfortable with her hanging out with your friends, there is NO shame in letting it be known. After all, they're YOUR friends first, and if they have any loyalty at all, they'll do what's best for you.