girlfriend always chatting online with her guy 'friend'

[dark god]

Chatting to a guy is harmless, and they are not even married so it is not crossing any line here. Even if it's a married relationship, she's chatting to a guy is still harmless depending on what she's chatting about. It's true that she might have done something behind his back, but who knows and I am not here to speculate or give negative thoughts. The fact that you all are fussing over some IM or txt chatting shows how much insecurity you have.

If you have problem with things that affect your feeling and boundary needs to be communicated as early as possible by the time she did it. That's my point. If he sees and lets her chat, feels bitter about it but doesn't say a word to her about it, but then a month later throws a fit out of nowhere, that's a huge insecurity on his side.

Yes, he also needs to be strong to drop her just like you said, but a fight and yelling is not necessary. As soon as she crosses your line, just tell her "hey babe, looks like you prefer to be with this guy than me. we are breaking up. end of discussion." To me, that line is when she actually slept with the guy or lied to me, not chatting.

Were theres smoke theres fire my friend . Sitting around like a bystander and letting her set the stage for her infedality while u do nothing is worst advice I ever heard.He needs to nip it in the bud NOW. Hell, If she slept with the guy the line has not been crossed..it has been sh*tted on.

 

[radiodude]

In years past, cheating wasn't as easy as it is now with all of these communication portals easily at our disposal.

Texting, chatting, multiple cell phones, etc. All this stuff has led to a culture where it can happen under someones nose and they'd never know it till it was too late.

This type of thing is just the modern equivalent of 'foreplay' without the face to face until later.

 

[Tazman]

I think the only thing that needs to change is your mentality. Do not ask her any more questions or even discuss what she's doing with this guy. All that serves to do is lower your percieved value.

She's taking you for granted because she CAN. She doesn't feel threatened that you might leave her for another chick, in fact, she's so comfortable that she's doing this right in front of your face.

What you should do is start going out on your own without telling her where or why. If she asks, just tell her that you're hanging out with friends or whatever. Make yourself a bit scarce, unavailable. However, you have to do this gradually, and not to the point that she feels you're being vindictive, it has to come off completely natural. If she starts asking questions just laugh and act like she's being irrational and you don't understand where this is coming from.

I say all of this because again, as it has been mentioned many times, "you cannot negotiate attraction". I wouldn't allow someone to disrespect me, but when it comes to these types of situations, you have to give them a reason to want you "non verbally". They have to see you as a person not worth losing, only then will you see positive behavior.

This does two things. If she starts being more attentive you may salvage this. If she doesn't care, you can severe the tie and move on with your pride and value intact.

 

[Sinistar]

A couple of observations here for random guy.

First, she sees you as Beta. If she perceived you to be Alpha and feared not having your around she'd never do this.

Second, because of #1 I think you two are seeing your relationship differently.

To you, she is your girlfriend, you're exclusive and this is a long term deal.

But to her, you are a just Beta chump, it is no longer a long term relationship and you are more friends than lovers.

We're watching the classic branch swing in action. For women, it's just too darned tough for them to get direct and end it. So the species master of indirect will play it out, taunt, deflect, minimize, etc until you spin out of control and do something that enables her to end it w/o guilt. We all know who she'll go to. In many ways, it will be you who drive her to him. Plus, she'll do all this crap purely on emotional whims and urges with no real premeditation - isn't that special.

Search the forum for "triangles" - she's just created one. For women (and men) who are really into the other party, triangles never cross their minds.

Bonus: We have V-day coming up. Do you really think she'll tell you "everything" he gave her and "everthing" she gave him.

Now, do you want advice on what to do?

I know SS gets wings connected in the different cities. Maybe we need to start another get together - basically the "It's Over" intervention. Get a bunch of the fellow SS'ers to meet the OP's of these threads and do what his father, buddies and friends have failed to do.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Why worry about what is happening if you have access to that comp!!! Put a keystroke program on it and you will find all you need to know!!! BTW, if you have to do that then why would you want to be with her some would say. I am in the school of thought because YOU WANT TO KNOW if you are being played!!

In my opinion, I want to know and I would do it just to see. It is valuable as a learning tool to find out.

When I was going through my divorce several years ago, my ex wife was doing this about the time I divorced her. Like others have pointed out, you can bet 99.9 percents chance she is being unfaithful to you beyond just harmless chatting. Find out for sure to solidify getting this one out of your life.

 

[squirrels]

Why worry about what is happening if you have access to that comp!!! Put a keystroke program on it and you will find all you need to know!!! BTW, if you have to do that then why would you want to be with her some would say. I am in the school of thought because YOU WANT TO KNOW if you are being played!!

In my opinion, I want to know and I would do it just to see. It is valuable as a learning tool to find out.

When I was going through my divorce several years ago, my ex wife was doing this about the time I divorced her. Like others have pointed out, you can bet 99.9 percents chance she is being unfaithful to you beyond just harmless chatting. Find out for sure to solidify getting this one out of your life.

If he has to do that, the trust is already broken. He can't maintain dignity with her if he has to resort to cheesy spying techniques.

 

[sodbuster]

WEll, I think he needs to know and get the first blow in on the divorce. When a woman decides to divorce you, she's stashed cash,cleaned out your checkbook,savings account,have the movers in and out with all the furniture, etc. SO, you have no money,no credit cards. Now you need to find a place to live,hire a lawyer etc[with no money,like I mentioned]. IF you've never been divorced, you have no idea how evil a wife turns on the way to being the ex-wife.

THIS isn't about your dignity-like with a GF. THIS is war[if she is cheating]. "We're poor,but proud"isin't my idea of winning a divorce

 

[SoldMySoul]

If he has to do that, the trust is already broken. He can't maintain dignity with her if he has to resort to cheesy spying techniques.

I usually agree with your advice here, but The trust was broken when the chatting started and the man's dignity is probably already south. Dignity starts getting lost first in the mind and I know his mind is playing tricks as of now.. asking is this bytch cheating on me or is this harmless? Even if she is not yet, the groundwork is being laid for that. As Sodbuster said, he needs to get the upper hand and put the boot to her before she is allowed to continue any form of disrespect.

Cheesy may be what you call it, but it is never cheesy to solidify your suspicions. Besides, if he using the proper program, she would never know.

The trust was broken by her not him. Sorry Squirrels, not with ya on this one.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

I usually agree with your advice here, but The trust was broken when the chatting started and the man's dignity is probably already south. Dignity starts getting lost first in the mind and I know his mind is playing tricks as of now.. asking is this bytch cheating on me or is this harmless? Even if she is not yet, the groundwork is being laid for that. As Sodbuster said, he needs to get the upper hand and put the boot to her before she is allowed to continue any form of disrespect.

Cheesy may be what you call it, but it is never cheesy to solidify your suspicions. Besides, if he using the proper program, she would never know.

The trust was broken by her not him. Sorry Squirrels, not with ya on this one.

I AGREE! If there´s smoke there´s fire. There are two cases:

1. The guy is very paranoid
2. The girl is very sneaky and the guy senses something fishy is going on.

I´m normally not that jealous of a girl, but there are some types that trigger the "something wrong is going on here" response. I say this for myself. There was a girl flirting with me (implying she wanted to be my GF, she commented that) but SOMETHING was not right as she was coming like a missile towards me. IT´S IMPOSSIBLE to have this "strong attraction" out of nothing.

I started digging and discovered that she had been doing this same thing to other people, including my boss!! I installed a keystroke in my pc and got her password. Guess what? She was constantly sending emails (everyday) to a guy who was banging her. In her Myspace there are more than 400 people most of them guys. She´s always online and adding new people (should I say, guys?).

Whenever I tried to move forward she would back off. I don´t know for sure if she was banging all these guys, but i don´t doubt at all and would never be her BF. Holy sh!t. :crazy:

 

[Nutz]

Cheating does not start when the zippers pop open at 2am.
Cheating exists along a continuum and it begins when one person in a relationship turns to an opposite sex third party for emotional safisfaction or attention.


She works with him, she has a crush on him and she spends time "always chatting with him online......nights and weekends." Three red flags there ..Ding !

To be honest it's entirely possible this guy is just feeding her validation and he's pure beta orbiter. No way to really know. However, as you pointed out the red flags are there.

As for how to proceed, my advice is to lay down the law. Women logically hate it when men set boundaries, but they'll respect you for it over the long term and it'll actually make them be more attracted for some reason. Let her know you have standards and expectations, what happens when she fails to live up to them, and that her behavior with this guy is crossing the line. You must be willing to walk for this to work to your benefit.

The reason walking away, or stopping being so available, is that it gets her worrying about you and trying to keep you on her team so she doesn't have all this free time to chat with the work friend. The only man a woman should be thinking about in her free time should be the one she's with. The #1 red flag for things going wrong is when a woman had another guy on the brain. The more she's thinking about another guy , the more invested she'll become. Investment is what leads to attraction.

So there you have it, if she's investing in this other guy by chatting, trading gifts, and thinking about them constantly when they're apart, then you fight this by getting her thinking about you first and foremost. This is why laying down the law, setting boundaries, and walking away so often works to a man's benefit. It's a form of rapport break on a larger scale. Once you do so you'll need to build comfort comfort in the relationship. You do this by rewarding her compliance, investment in your relationship, and when she qualifies herself to you. That's how you turn this around.

 

[zekko]

15 years ago most did not have a cell phone, e-mail was just getting going, and there was no facebook or myspace. These days it is tough - an attractive woman with a blackberry or iPhone can play hard.

You know, I hadn't even considered that, but you're right. Hot girls these days have multiple and ridiculously easy high tech lines of communication. The ones that are in demand are going to have more avenues of attention available to them than ever before. I've even noticed younger average looking girls getting loads of prospects on online dating sites. Almost makes me glad I'm not growing up in this day and age (the ongoing loss of our privacy and freedoms is another reason). I would probably have a different attitude on a lot of things.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Have you guys heard of 'Shawshanking'?
Remember the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption' when Andy Dufresne spent frickin years slowly chipping away at the wall before he broke through?
I reckon that's what this work guy is doing....Shawshanking!
She may be convinced she would never cheat but the whole time he's there just tapping away at her wall until eventually.....
My advice would be to casually walk up to her computer while she's chatting. If she makes a sudden move to change the screen or hide the text, she's out the fukin door.
Or you might be able to catch a glimpse of the text and see what they're typing to each other.
What Jophil says about cheating starting well before the sex act occurring is very true.
And what he said about the three red flags is food for thought.

 

[jonwon]

Have you guys heard of 'Shawshanking'?
Remember the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption' when Andy Dufresne spent frickin years slowly chipping away at the wall before he broke through?
I reckon that's what this work guy is doing....Shawshanking!
She may be convinced she would never cheat but the whole time he's there just tapping away at her wall until eventually.....
My advice would be to casually walk up to her computer while she's chatting. If she makes a sudden move to change the screen or hide the text, she's out the fukin door.
Or you might be able to catch a glimpse of the text and see what they're typing to each other.
What Jophil says about cheating starting well before the sex act occurring is very true.
And what he said about the three red flags is food for thought.

Yes indeed, but the worst part about this for me; she is letting him!

That to me is one red flag enough.

It would be good to get an update.

 

[Nutz]

I doubt there will be an update anytime soon, if at all. For starters this was his first post, Second, about 80% of the time these threads occur they get advice they don't want to hear and ignore it. Then maybe a few months down the road they update it with us being right and the chick cheating on them outright.