Girlfriend admitted to using Tinder for male attention. Dumped her. Right call?

[Filter]

Been seeing a girl exclusively for about three months. Haven't been particularly attached to her, but do like her. She's told me she loves me and all of that. Met my parents.

She went home for Thanksgiving. I met her on Tinder, and redownloaded Tinder (we both agreed to delete it a month or two ago) to see our correspondence. I was going to try to work it into a Christmas card.

She was home for Thanksgiving. I saw her location changed. On further investigation, I realized location only changes when you actually boot the app. I did more digging, and found a Chrome extension called Flamite, which shows you when people were last active. It worked on my account, and on a friends, so when I saw her, I called her on her BS since she was active last night.

I was calm, but told her how things would be -- I wanted to see her Tinder profile and her text messages. Everything checked out, she responded to zero messages and every text convo was of her and female friends and one gay dude, who I've met, he's very flamboyant. She repeatedly told me she and her friend were using Tinder to check for her friend's boyfriend. After some more talking, she admitted she used Tinder to see who she matched with and that she wanted attention. I threw her out at 2am. I feel terrible. Was I irrational or did I make the right call?

 

[BeTheChange]

Don't go down this road....That's how it starts...by ignoring seemingly minor red flags you begin to nornalise poor behaviour. You give her a pass on this and I guarantee she will cheat on you at some point. Dumping her now is the right call.

 

[AttackFormation]

Answer in quote.

Been seeing a girl exclusively Why? is this the mother of your children? I met her on Tinder haha we both agreed to delete it a month or two ago ... she was active last night. Duh Everything checked out, she responded to zero messages She's deleting the matches when she's done with the Tinder-part She repeatedly told me she and her friend were using Tinder to check for her friend's boyfriend. lol I threw her out at 2am. I feel terrible. Was I irrational or did I make the right call? Good job

 

[CuddleJunkie]

You made the right call. Spend some times with your bros, then go back to chasing pvssy. And be proud, the vast majority of men would not have the balls that you have.

 

[Infern0]

Yes 100% absolutely. /thread

 

[SmooveMooves]

Yeah. Had you guys only been a month in I could understando, but three months Ilys exchanged and parents met? If the relationship is going the way it should she shouldn't even have Tinder installed nor feel the need to be active on it by virtue of having a high quality male. Obviously that wasn't the case. Move on, however tough it may be. Don't go back on your decision, trust your gut.

That's the thing man, in this age, Its hard to trust. People can do anything and you would never know. Imagine if you weren't being a good person and doing something thoughtful for her, you would have never knew. That fact makes me jaded.

 

[bigneil]

No. Bad. Wrong.

I can't believe everyone is saying Sherlock did the right thing by spying on her.

That's like reading her texts on her phone. Don't do it. Judge her only based on how she treats you and how much fun you have with her, and how she responds to you sexually. Why would anything else matter?

 

[bigneil]

STDs, pregnancy, heartbreak, fraudulent marriage...

STDs - healthy people don't get sick. I never got an STD in my life.
Pregnancy - wear a condom.
Heartbreak - why are you letting yourself fall so easily?
Fraudulent marriage - why are you trying to get married?

You've outlined Beta male fears 101. Just take her on fun dates. Don't worry about who else she is with.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

STDs - healthy people don't get sick. I never got an STD in my life.
Pregnancy - wear a condom.
Heartbreak - why are you letting yourself fall so easily?
Fraudulent marriage - why are you trying to get married?

You've outlined Beta male fears 101. Just take her on fun dates. Don't worry about who else she is with.

I would agree with you if she was just a regular plate, but our guy was exclusive with her, so the situation is different.

 

[BeTheChange]

I would agree with you if she was just a regular plate, but our guy was exclusive with her, so the situation is different.

Bigneil predominantly dates strippers and women of similar persuasians and quality so take that into account when reading his posts.

He may not have the same goals and expectations that you or I have.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Two points as is TMKs usual way.

1. If you meet someone on Tinder or any other internet dating bs, you're buying in to a culture. That being, a throwaway dating culture. My (female) flatmate goes on Tinder dates every week, and discards guys for very dubious reasons. It would be interesting to know how long you'd known her before becoming 'exclusive'.

2. Exclusivity is for someone you've known for at least 6 months. You know their value in terms of loyalty, commitment, trustworthiness, blablabla. I'm willing to wager that, having been exclusive for 3months, you've actually only known her for 6months in total. Too much investment, too soon.

 

[sazc]

you did the right thing

 

[El Payaso]

You absolutely did the right thing and never look back.

That's how it starts. A girl that constantly needs male attention is a woman that WILL cheat on you.

 

[btownbuck2012]

After some more talking, she admitted she used Tinder to see who she matched with and that she wanted attention. I threw her out at 2am. I feel terrible. Was I irrational or did I make the right call?

It truly is amazing how most women will act the same way in situations like this. If you keep digging, more and more of the truth will eventually come out. Never take stuff like this at face value. If your gut is signaling to you that something is amiss, that's because something usually is. Dumping her is definitely the right move here. Like an earlier poster said, these little red flags are there to remind us of what it is we're actually dealing with in these women so that we don't get too attached or emotionally invested at which point they can and probably will rip your heart out.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Two points as is TMKs usual way.

1. If you meet someone on Tinder or any other internet dating bs, you're buying in to a culture. That being, a throwaway dating culture. My (female) flatmate goes on Tinder dates every week, and discards guys for very dubious reasons. It would be interesting to know how long you'd known her before becoming 'exclusive'.

Yeah I completely agree with this.

It's actually pretty overwhelming when you stop to think about how much attention even average women are getting through social media and dating websites. While it's true that if you are perceived as being extremely high value in her eyes she will submit to you and want to be exclusive with you, HOWEVER, none of us are supermen. Women who are caught up in the throw away culture will at some point find a fault with you and use that as an excuse to ditch you. It could be 3 months in or it could be 2 years in. But the fact of the matter is that you can't beat yourself up for not being able to keep the attention long term of a woman who is all over social media and whom you met through a dating site. We've got to start looking for women who value COMMITMENT and who understand that life is full of ups and downs.

Obviously this doesn't mean turn into a beta chump and stop improving yourself, but it does mean that you should find a woman who has a realistic view of life and the trials and tribulations of life if you're looking for a woman who's going to be in an LTR with you or potentially your wife someday.

 

[Trainwreck]

No offense, but when you actively look for trouble, you are going to find trouble eventually. You literally downloaded a third party app, so this is proof you went out of your way to investigate Tinder. You are either paranoid af or she was showing some signs of unfaithfulness prior that you left out of your op. Tinder is a wildcard of a subject because most of the people on there are just looking for attention/boredom. Did you set boundaries of not having Tinder when establishing the relationship?

 

[Bible_Belt]

I wouldn't have dumped her. I would have just started sending her raunchy messages through Tinder.

Maybe she's a ho, maybe OP is uptight and boring, maybe both. Blaming the woman for everything is easy, but it's not constructive.

 

[Trainwreck]

I wouldn't have dumped her. I would have just started sending her raunchy messages through Tinder.

Maybe she's a ho, maybe OP is uptight and boring, maybe both. Blaming the woman for everything is easy, but it's not constructive.

exactly, unless he set boundaries requiring each person to delete tinder, I don't see any good out of dumping her.

 

[Filter]

Well I'm not particularly blaming her. She made a conscious choice to use Tinder, for whatever reason, which is a red flag in my opinion. In this case, the onus is on her. As someone who has cheated on a girl in the past, it was almost strictly my own doing. It was a series of choices that I made that led to me screwing another girl. My girlfriend at the time had very little to do with it, other than her general disposition, which could be a factor in my current relationship. I could be too cold towards this current girl. I'm not the most affectionate person. I also compete in a sport at a decent level and take my training as a second job... I regularly have to throw her out since she knows she isn't allowed to sleep over before big training days. I blow her off a lot, too. I've never been a great boyfriend. Never met parents that liked me. Been threatened with a knife by one girl's old man, actually.


We talked for a bit around 4am, and I let her come over this morning. Mostly to get laid. I fvcked her twice, and explained that she has been demoted to a fvck buddy. I told her I'm going to see other women and she can do whatever she wants, including leave and that if she wants exclusivity back, she has to earn it. I'm more curious to see what she does; I don't think she is actual relationship material at this point. When I first started sleeping with her, I had several girls on rotation and I plan to get back into that, especially since the one had a great vagina.

After re-reading this thread, I think a relationship with her is the wrong call... but denying myself easy sex is also the wrong call. Essentially I diluted our relationship into the absolute bare minimum on my part and she can contribute as she deems fit.

She also gave me all her passwords to all her crap. I didn't really want them, but now I have them.

As for meeting women on Tinder and actually dating them: pretty much knew it had serious shlt-show potential. Think of this as an experiment that involved a lot of kinky sex.

When it comes to exclusivity, I usually give it two months if I like the girl and she's drama free. Perhaps I should give it more time. But when life is hectic enough that screwing one girl is easier than screwing several, it becomes easy to be trapped into monogamy, at least in my experience. I don't really view women as people that can support men emotionally; a relationship to me is easy sex and I'll tell her what she wants to hear and take her out on dates when she complains that I don't. I do hold onto the belief that women can be loving people that can support men, but I don't know. Every girl I've banged for an extended period of time, girlfriend or not, has to occasionally be lectured like a fvcking child. I just don't understand how there can be an entire generation of such maladjusted individuals.

It also blows my fvcking mind how women use little lies to cover up bigger lies. You can call my actions of looking up her Tinder activity insecure, go ahead. But, I've fvcked enough women in LTRs, married or otherwise, that I don't fully trust any of them, and never will. Perhaps monogamy is not in the cards for me. Much less of a headache. Maybe I'm foolish to hold onto the notion that women are capable of genuine affection.

And yes, we agreed to delete Tinder. In terms of providing enough value, I don't know. Like I said, I'm not super attentive or affectionate. I'd rather err on the side of being too cold than too warm. I don't think you satiate some women's desire for attention -- doesn't matter who you are. I think higher quality women simply don't have this issue, at least in my experience. Seems that the lower quality she is, the more attention she regularly needs from different sources. As a man, I'm not above that, either. Attention feels nice, I get it. And when you've had a rough day at work or class or the gym, what feels better than being validated by the opposite sex?

 

[user43770]

Well I'm not particularly blaming her. She made a conscious choice to use Tinder, for whatever reason, which is a red flag in my opinion. In this case, the onus is on her. As someone who has cheated on a girl in the past, it was almost strictly my own doing. It was a series of choices that I made that led to me screwing another girl. My girlfriend at the time had very little to do with it, other than her general disposition, which could be a factor in my current relationship. I could be too cold towards this current girl. I'm not the most affectionate person. I also compete in a sport at a decent level and take my training as a second job... I regularly have to throw her out since she knows she isn't allowed to sleep over before big training days. I blow her off a lot, too. I've never been a great boyfriend. Never met parents that liked me. Been threatened with a knife by one girl's old man, actually.


We talked for a bit around 4am, and I let her come over this morning. Mostly to get laid. I fvcked her twice, and explained that she has been demoted to a fvck buddy. I told her I'm going to see other women and she can do whatever she wants, including leave and that if she wants exclusivity back, she has to earn it. I'm more curious to see what she does; I don't think she is actual relationship material at this point. When I first started sleeping with her, I had several girls on rotation and I plan to get back into that, especially since the one had a great vagina.

After re-reading this thread, I think a relationship with her is the wrong call... but denying myself easy sex is also the wrong call. Essentially I diluted our relationship into the absolute bare minimum on my part and she can contribute as she deems fit.

She also gave me all her passwords to all her crap. I didn't really want them, but now I have them.

As for meeting women on Tinder and actually dating them: pretty much knew it had serious shlt-show potential. Think of this as an experiment that involved a lot of kinky sex.

When it comes to exclusivity, I usually give it two months if I like the girl and she's drama free. Perhaps I should give it more time. But when life is hectic enough that screwing one girl is easier than screwing several, it becomes easy to be trapped into monogamy, at least in my experience. I don't really view women as people that can support men emotionally; a relationship to me is easy sex and I'll tell her what she wants to hear and take her out on dates when she complains that I don't. I do hold onto the belief that women can be loving people that can support men, but I don't know. Every girl I've banged for an extended period of time, girlfriend or not, has to occasionally be lectured like a fvcking child. I just don't understand how there can be an entire generation of such maladjusted individuals.

It also blows my fvcking mind how women use little lies to cover up bigger lies. You can call my actions of looking up her Tinder activity insecure, go ahead. But, I've fvcked enough women in LTRs, married or otherwise, that I don't fully trust any of them, and never will. Perhaps monogamy is not in the cards for me. Much less of a headache. Maybe I'm foolish to hold onto the notion that women are capable of genuine affection.

And yes, we agreed to delete Tinder.

You have a good head on your shoulders, bud.