Girlfriend 8 Months Has Diminishing Sex Drive

[BeyondCharm]

Hey DJ's. I've read through a lot of the "search" posts on this topic and browsed a few forums on google, decided to bring the issue to the boards and get some feedback.

I've been dating a girl for 8 months and the relationship seems to have fallen towards or into friend-zone. Sex is 1-2 times per week and she rarely initiates it. Before we dated, she had gone 10 months only having sex once or twice in that time and before that she was in college and had a boyfriend that she claims she had sex frequently with.

Recently she has become very vocal that she feels something is wrong with her because she feels she should want to feel like she wants to jump my bones but she doesn't. Now about 3 months ago she did get the depo shot, I've noticed some weight gain since then and possibly even a lesser drive but I'm not sure that its the shot... According to some posts I've read by Rollo, that means she has become comfortable, sees no challenge out there with other girls, feels too comfortable in the relationship, has no "competition anxiety." This may all be true, there's a few other things i'd like to mention as well for your guys feedback.

She's said she loves me, cares about me (friend talk right?) but doesn't feel in love with me because she doesn't have that spark of just wanting me all the time or to just tear my clothes off and f*ck. She says she's never felt that way even since the beginning but she wants too. (Based on this I thought perhaps it's something I've done, or not done) She feels somethings wrong because she compares this relationship to her last serious relationship with her college boyfriend where she said she wanted to have sex all the time.


She has been stressed out a lot lately with going to school and working a fulltime job where she has to get up at 4am and then go to class when she gets off + homework... She's also new to living here (she moved here before we met).


Things I've Tried:
I've tried cutting back on contact, letting her initiate wanting to spend time together, etc and that does seem to have a positive effect but nothing seems to be lasting. Her drive still seems dormant, although she tells me occassionally she gets horny during the day time...

Taking charge, picking her up and tossing her on the bed, etc.

Working the foreplay...

The thing is, she just doesn't seem to have that spark or high drive to be intimate with me. We kiss, have fun going out, have intimacy, but the passion seems sparing... When we do have sex, it's either really good but often she does it like she feels obligated but not passion driving it...

Lastly her feeling is that to be in love she should want to have this high sex drive and interest, wants things to change, feels something is wrong with her, and has communicated honestly with me about it...

Questions:

What do you guys recommend I do?

Should she look at having her thyroid looked at, hormone levels, get off the DP Birth Control shot?

Thanks DJs.

 

[Paradox]

The thing is, she just doesn't seem to have that spark or high drive to be intimate with me.

Lastly her feeling is that to be in love she should want to have this high sex drive and interest, wants things to change, feels something is wrong with her, and has communicated honestly with me about it...

Translation: She doesn't like you anymore

 

[boomerick]

I'm thinking you are getting the "soft dump". Watch as her spark or high drive returns once she moves on to the 'next guy' who may or may not be in the picture already. I wouldn't necessarily dump her yet but I sure would be preparing to........

 

[BeyondCharm]

I'm thinking you are getting the "soft dump". Watch as her spark or high drive returns once she moves on to the 'next guy' who may or may not be in the picture already. I wouldn't necessarily dump her yet but I sure would be preparing to........

Yes I suspected that when she first brought it up, which came out of the blue to me... and there was a guy she was interested in, and I confronted her.. and I told her I guess this relationship is over, you want to swing from one branch to another I'm not going to sit around while you make your transitions.. and she cried for 2 hours literally. She said she'd stop communicating with this other person and focus on our relationship. As soon a she did that, she became more affectionate and wanted to spend more time with me regularly.

However... I agree that it feels like the soft dump, or that she doesn't want to let go because I make her feel happy and cared for but her IL has flatlined and/or no sex-drive chemistry. I've definetely been preparing to move on and before I do I decided to pause and consult DJs here.

The reason I even brought it to the board is because in other areas the relationship has been pleasant, she is affectionate, thoughtful, fun to spend time with. I know the sex component is a must for happy healthy relationships and it's something I want also.

 

[jophil28]

Recently she has become very vocal that she feels something is wrong with her because she feels she should want to feel like she wants to jump my bones but she doesn't.

Her low sex drive is her covert way of informing you that she does not see permanence between you.

Her becoming vocal "that she feels something is wrong "is her overt way of saying the same thing.

THis is a woman who has one foot out the door.

 

[BeyondCharm]

Her low sex drive is her covert way of informing you that she does not see permanence between you.

Her becoming vocal "that she feels something is wrong "is her overt way of saying the same thing.

THis is a woman who has one foot out the door.

Jophil, thank you. That is an honest and realistic explanation, and it makes sense based on everything I've been seeing. I've seen her adopt that attitude since January after she got back from traveling. She indicated from the beginning of our dating that she was not sure she could ever see herself living here in this state and that since she moved up here to go to school and sees herself joining the military so she can get money to pay for college and loans off. What I've been sensing is she's been keeping one foot in and one foot out due to that lack of potential permanence.

She and I have talked about all of this and she indicated she wants to stay with me, but it sounds like what you're saying is even though she wants to stay (one foot in), her imagined future plans don't necessary include me (one foot out) and she's been having a lot of anxiety because of this which seems to have impacted her sex-drive and interest in intimacy.

Another thing is being honest with myself, I feel that I want more sex then I am getting in the relationship. My drive is set for every-day and hers is so infrequent and seems dulled. I've been able to turn her on and she does get off, so I know its not a lack of quality of the experience, it seems to be as you indicated. It feels like in the long-term term if things did not change it would result in incompatability which may be what is becoming so apparent.

Thank you for the honest feedback. Any suggestions?

 

[squirrels]

Sometimes it's normal for a relationship over a long period of time to become de-sexed to some extent because both partners find other things in common...but the sexual energy is still there, just channelled in different directions than actual copulation.

Unfortunately, at your age (26), after 8 months, I would not expect to see sex-drive diminished like that. Maybe less often, sure, but when initiated, there ought to still be a "spark" there.

It honestly sounds, from the way you're talking, that she's "bored" with you. It sounds like you don't have any REAL connection with this girl...and as time goes on, your libido is pulling you in one direction and her interests and passions in life are pulling her in another one. In the long run, you're not "compatible".

her imagined future plans don't necessary include me

This right here says it all. If she is telling you THAT, then you know where this thing is headed. And believe it or not, that's healthy...what would be UNhealthy at this point is to try to "save" a relationship that neither of you are feeling and both of you are free to start branching away from at this point. Which is, I think, what everyone is recommending.

I'm curious...what is it you like about this girl, other than the sex? What made you want to be "committed" to her?

Or was it just the sex?

 

[BeyondCharm]

squirrels, thank you for taking the time to share your experience. What you have said echoed most of my thoughts that I've had prior to ever having made this post. Having been a member here over the past 7 years i've come to see a lot of posts like mine and did a fair amount of searching before I brought it forward.

When I first saw the sign of her IL dropping and her talking about not feeling that connection/spark, I found some posts here echoing what you saidabout her being "bored with me." I tried to think and saw I had become predictable in a lot of ways, available, beta even by being so forthcoming with attention, gifts, praise, etc. Eight months is the longest i've dated one person for and I never did get into comitted relationships before her really so it's been a lot of learning on my part.

What i've read is that she is bored with me, may not like me anymore, doesn't feel that passion/connection, has different passions/future ideals she's moving towards.

What you said is something important I've been needing to hear. I have to start asking myself honestly why I've been wanting to save this relationship and why I have been so interested in being comitted to her. She has shown some great qualities that have attracted me to her besides the physical and sex... we're compatible when hanging out (we both like the same tv shows, movies, being close), we've done a lot of activities together (gone to fairs, concerts, performances, etc), she's thoughtful (often takes care of folding my laundry, does my dishes, helps clean around my place)... We workout at the gym together, etc.. so we have a lot of activities we share.. We did christmas and valntines day together, she did some very thoughtful gifts for both and a handmade card telling me she feels I complete her and how much she feels blessed to have me in her life.

I committed because I wanted a companion that cared for me and I cared for and fun-sex partner all in one package. We do have a sex-life (2-3 times a week), what's inspired me to post here is her verbal feedback is that she's not feeling that deep passion to which she compared it to when she was back in college with her ex boyfriend where she wanted to do it all the time. She said maybe that was because it was college and she was younger and had less stress / partying a lot more but just doesn't know.What she said thought that struck a chord with me was thatfrom the get-go she never had that feeling with me, although she just recently communicated that to me... What I was thinking was in college she was able to see herself being wit this guy but with me because she has had these plans looming to leave the state for military she tucked those feelings away.

Since she's said she's never really felt it from the beginning, it makes me wonder if we were simply incompatible from the get-go and I pressed onward because I wanted a relationship and she was willing, or if her libido is just low (she told me she rarely pleasures herself at all and she did go 10 months without almost any sex). Also she has been very stressed with her job and living situations and I've read that can play a factor.

Anyway, I am learning a lot here and I appreciate the support and advice.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Beyond Charm,
I am surprised no one has pointed out that getting up at four in the morning and combining work with school makes a girl tired,when is she getting time to have it off with someone else?If she is dog tired,long term tired,the first thing she will drop is Svx........Don't move in with her whatever you do,just see less of her no more than three times a week,and time your hanky panky for early in the evening...if you still have needs you are in an ideal situation to spin plates.

 

[BeyondCharm]

Dear Beyond Charm,
I am surprised no one has pointed out that getting up at four in the morning and combining work with school makes a girl tired,when is she getting time to have it off with someone else?If she is dog tired,long term tired,the first thing she will drop is Svx........Don't move in with her whatever you do,just see less of her no more than three times a week,and time your hanky panky for early in the evening...if you still have needs you are in an ideal situation to spin plates.

Scaramouche,

It is true that between her workschedule and stress from deadlines and school she is very stressed out and I can tell she's feeling anxiety from all the work. I've read some sites that high stress is the main cause of low-libido.

 

[Jitterbug]

You've tried a lot of things, but essentially, this is HER problem.

What has she done to address it?

I'm guessing: a big fat NOTHING?

 

[BeyondCharm]

You've tried a lot of things, but essentially, this is HER problem.

What has she done to address it?

I'm guessing: a big fat NOTHING?

Jitterbug, you make a valid point. She claims she's been trying by being more overtly affectionate and giving me extra attention.. and I have noticed that she's been doing that. What is it she could do to address it, since it is HER problem essentially like you've said. She admits its her problem and has been open to suggestions.

 

[squirrels]

she did some very thoughtful gifts for both and a handmade card telling me she feels I complete her and how much she feels blessed to have me in her life.

See, that I don't understand coming from her. How can she say that you "complete her", yet she can't see a future with you??

This incongruence right here raises a romantic red-flag.

You know...maybe it IS stress. Maybe it's not. Maybe she is "bored" with being in a relationship in general. Maybe she's "bored" with you. Or maybe she just doesn't have time for you right now.

Obviously you share something special with this girl, so no one's saying that you should just dump her and break all contact. It's not like she's "bad news", BPD or giving you a hard time in life, right?

Maybe the "friend zone" is the best place to leave this. Maybe one day she'll get through all of her stress and be able to make time for romance. But you should NOT be putting your life on hold waiting for her to "come around", because it's just as likely she won't.

I think it's a case of "LJBF". But not the "Eww he's a creep but I don't want to hurt his feelings so LJBF", rather it's legitimately staying friends, but getting back into "the field" and pursuing other romantic possibilities.

 

[jophil28]

See, that I don't understand coming from her. How can she say that you "complete her", yet she can't see a future with you??

This incongruence right here raises a romantic red-flag..

Hmm, perhaps when we "complete" a woman, and she feels "whole" ,there is nothing left for her to seek from us.
Game over.

 

[f283000]

Just make sure you dump her before she dumps you.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Beyond Charm,
Well some of the responses on here are a bit callous,even an oversexed old Mysogynist like me recognises a quality woman when he hears of one....Sure she has problems,but she recognises them,she is giving priority to her Job and her Schooling,given the State of play between the sexes in this warped society who can blame her....But underneath all this she has very fond feelings for you Charmer,she is aware of the problem and is trying hard....Perhaps she recognises the decent bloke I detect in your writing....Seems likely this girl is a keeper.

 

[Radninja]

Run away with your dignity before the you get poisoned by unnecessary drama. Your subconscious is giving you a powerful message. This relationship is over, walk and don't look back.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

You've turned into a stuffed animal for her - comforting to cuddle and entirely asexual - in other words, "safe". So when that stuffed animal gets a hard-on and wants to ƒuck her, she's repulsed. Familiarity may not entirely breed contempt, but it does breed a comfortable boredom.

Anxiety is the key to lust, passion and genuine desire. How many guys have made the mistake of knocking up their GFs during the hottest "make up sex" session as the result of a threatened break up? The guy senses that the girl's IL is waning after a comfortable 8 month LTR, she predictably starts sniffing around a more alpha guy, he catches on to this and then musters up the confidence to walk away. She sees this inconsistency in the BF and it shakes up her expected routine, he becomes less familiar to her and her imaginations about him start to reignite. He's ready to walk, but her doubt about him now triggers her need for security and the old competition anxiety gets her juices flowing like they had when they met. She initiates sex for the first time in 6 months, he's now shaken up by her inconsistency and he welcomes her renewed sexual interest in him after such a long drought. This is all fine and good until they both go back to the same routine once that security and familiarity are reestablished. He of course thinks that her renewed sexual availability was her genuine reconciliation with him, when in fact it was her anxiety and doubt that prompted her to willingly spread her legs for him again.

The major problem with this relational pattern is that it's kind of like going on a diet; you lose weight and look good while you're consistent about it, but once you get comfortable you go back to your old eating habits, get fat, and then resort to the drastic measures of another diet. And this of course continues until you become fatigued with the whole diet cycle and give, up or you change yourself radically enough to make eating, exercise and living healthy a way of life.

The first place a man in this situation needs to look is in the mirror. In almost 98% of the cases where a woman's sexual interest declines, it's due to him being no challenge, him being that comfy stuffed animal, him becoming what he thinks she expects of him, "perfect". And as POOK preached so long ago, perfect is boring. For as often as they protest it, women thrive on the biochemical rush that accompanies drama, emotion, suspicion and indignation. Want to get her wet? Trigger that rush. The ironic paradox of women is that their innate bio-psychological need for security is directly contradicted by the uncertainty and anxiety that turns them on the most.

It's for exactly this reason that they seek out that sexual anxiety vicariously. For all the safety, comfort and dependability the "perfect" man can deliver, she still pines for the hormonal rush that anxiety brings. So she lives vicariously through her single girlfriends, she learns to appreciate romance novels (female porn), she tunes into the Tyra Banks show to shake her head at the horrible cheating BF, husband or player on the hot seat, all in an effort to re-stimulate that old rush she lost when she got the security she'd tried so hard to get.

I had an enlightened woman once tell me, "women don't want a man who will cheat, but they want a man who could cheat." This is the essence of the feminine security / anxiety paradox. They want a man that other men want to be and other women want to ƒuck - they just don't want him ƒucking anyone but them. BEYONDCHARM, assuming this girl is truly worth the effort, you need to BE that guy, even when doing so seems entirely counterintuitive to you. This paradox is what confuses unenlightened men to no end. They're incessantly told over a lifetime of how a woman needs familiarity with a man, how she wants dependability, sensitivity, empathy and comfort before she can trust him enough to be sexual with him when in fact it's exactly these qualities that are anti-sexual and anti-seductive.

 

[synergy1]

I read enough of these posts and start seeing a pattern with the stories. It always seems the women is too 'stressed' to want to initiate or follow through with sex. This seems like the biggest cop out. Outside a death in the family, I don't see how anything could be stressful enough in my life to kill my sex drive. Sadly from the story, going to have to agree with the general consensus...shes losing interest.

Uh oh, getting audited by the IRS! time to cut out SEX! ....yeah right honey.

"women don't want a man who will cheat, but they want a man who could cheat."

quoted for future reference.

 

[backbreaker]

while you should run... here is something i learned


it works both ways. I think the problem that alot of men make when this happens is they press the issue with the GF.


mirror her.

if she doesn't want to give you any time, don't give her any. "go out. when she complains tell her you aren't getting what you need at home. keep doing it until things change.


the mistake men make is sitting back and letting her do it without any repercussions.