Girl who got raped, could I have handled this better?

[Chickfight]

So a while back, I met this girl. Really nice, cute. We met in a club, but we had some mutual friends. We danced together, flirted.
Few days later she and her friend come over to pregame with us at my friends house, soon as we get to the club we're making out and later bring the girls back to my friends place. He and his girl are in his room and me and mine are in the other room on his pull out bed. Seems like it's on, but every time I try to go past 2nd, I'm hit with resistance. So I'm kind of whatever about it, some girls are shy and she doesn't know me that well.

I take her out a few times and get to know each other, lot's of making out and I'm really good at dates of some reason. She's obviously super into me and told me she was planning to have sex with me last time, but couldn't. I decide to be nice about it and tell her it's okay and there's plenty of time for that.

So I pretty much assume then next times there's an opportunity it's on. I didn't have my own place at the time so it was a bit of an obstacle. So eventually we decide to go on a trip all together and she and I are staying in the same room and bed. We go out one night and I bring her back early put on some music, alls good, but she STILL doesn't want to do it. At this point I'm kinda annoyed. We're both adults we like each other, what's the problem. Then she drops the bomb on me. She got raped by someone she knew for ages. ****. That. Guy.

So I feel really bad for her and for me. Just called it a night and spent the next few days just chilling and having fun together.

Anyway, I was nicer to her than I am to most girls cause she was sweet and already really really into me anyway, not playing games. I think that if we had had sex it would have helped her resolve her issues a lot to show her that not all guys are rapist pigs like that guy. Could I have done anything better or was it just a lost cause to begin with and she needs time to work out her issues. Doesn't matter now cause we're in different countries, but for future reference. What's the best way to help girls with these kinds of issues and still have awesome sex together?

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

I don't think there is anyway you can help her get through it. She said she was raped by a guy she knew really well, I doubt anything you do (a guy she hasn't known long) is going to help change her mind.

You don't know how traumatizing the experience must have been, but we can only assume it was VERY traumatizing. These types of things can mess people for YEARS and they usually never fully get over them or move on, they just deal with the pain and accept that they can't change anything.

Kudos to you for handling it like a nice guy.

Having sex might have helped or it might have given her flashbacks and made her freak out. The only thing she needs is time and a therapist.

Sorry dude.

 

[WoodB]

You handled yourself like a gentleman, a true Don Juan. There is nothing much you can do at this point. She will have to deal with it, and I hope she does. It may take a long time for her. It depends on many things that are out of your control. I dated a woman who was date raped when she was in her 20s. It still affected her years later, but she eventually learned to enjoy sex. I never asked her how she got over it, but only time, counselling, and one's nature will determine such things.

 

[bluejay83]

"raped"

ok...

I've heard that one before too.


Maybe it's true, but much of the time they do something while drunk, regret it and then call it rape so as not to feel like a tramp.
If she didn't press charges it didn't happen the way she's saying.


anyway,
you did well, keep escalating slowly and keep her at the "warm" point so she feels comfortable being turned on by you before pushing too far.

 

[( . )( . )]

Was it next morning buyers remorse+hangover+look how irresistible I am "RAPE" or broken bones, black eyes, hair and skin under fingernails, police report rape?

I think that if we had had sex it would have helped her resolve her issues a lot to show her that not all guys are rapist pigs like that guy.

Speak for yourself.









RAAAAAAPE!!!

 

[Purefilth]

Was it next morning buyers remorse+hangover+look how irresistible I am "RAPE" or broken bones, black eyes, hair and skin under fingernails, police report rape?

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Chickfight]

Was it next morning buyers remorse+hangover+look how irresistible I am "RAPE" or broken bones, black eyes, hair and skin under fingernails, police report rape?




Speak for yourself.










RAAAAAAPE!!!

I didn't exactly press her for details, but in any case it was enough to traumatize her into not having sex with a guy she's really into. She's 5'2'' so it wouldn't have been exactly hard. Also, she's not that stuck up about normal non rape sex. After all, she was planning to have sex with me already the second time we met, she even told her friend.

Umm, so you're saying you're a rapist. Real cool.

 

[( . )( . )]

Umm, so you're saying you're a rapist. Real cool.

I guess I am yeah

But like you say:

I think that if we had had sex it would have helped her resolve her issues a lot to show her that not all guys are rapist pigs like that guy

As popular as raping is these days, at least your one of the few good guys left, not like the rest of us scheming moustache twisters ready to pounce on the fair maidens at every street corner. Muahahaha!






RAAAAAAAAPE!!!!!!

 

[JoeMarron]

Whether she was raped or not the fact is she won't let you stick it in. On to the next one. Its not your job to take care of her psychological issues.

 

[VladPatton]

You can see what the majority is leaning towards here:

Friend Zone this chick ASAP, or become her therapist.

 

[Chickfight]

Chick,

What she says is not the same as what she does. You can't judge her trustworthiness or character by what she says.

The honest statement is, you don't know if she is stuck up about normal sex, if she is just leading you on, or if she really was raped or not.

All you know, is that this girl did not have sex with you. That is all you know.

I have known several girls with the false rape claims, and every one of them was crazy. Having said that, maybe she really was raped. But I doubt it. It is not nearly so common as the establishment would like you to believe.

I know girls say things that are bull**** all the time, often without realizing it. I also know that sometimes girls lie about getting raped. However, from my experiences with her and what I observed about her personality, I choose to believe her.

I've been with crazy girls before, but there were no red flags with her. I can tell when a girl wants to bang me. She was calling me, doing whatever I said, changing her plans to be with me and putting herself in situations where she would be alone in a bed with me. I wasn't even paying for the dates so she wasn't after my money. I'm not saying every girl is into me, but when my intuition tells me I could **** a girl, I'm right every time. That's why I was confused when she kept resisting at the last moment and getting raped is the only plausible explanation for that. I know about LMR and am not surprised when it happens, I just deal with it, but this wasn't it.

Besides if she were the type of girl to have drunken sex with a guy and then cry rape because she regretted it, why wouldn't she do the same to me? We were both drunk both times.

As I said, it doesn't matter anyway, cause she's in a different country now. I wasn't as into her as she was to me. She was cute, we had some fun and it would have been great to have sex, but it didn't happen whatever. I want advice on what's the best way to handle a girl who has issues like previously getting raped while giving an example story, but all I get is people denying the girl in my story actually got raped, it's unhelpful and messes up the point of this community.

Now, for discussion sake, let's take a hypothetical girl that definitely did get raped and it's creating issues in your relationship, how would you deal with this.

 

[Jaylan]

Real rape doesnt exist for some guys on this forum. For some, their first reaction to any story of rape is to automatically call the girl a liar.

OP, dont concern yourself with men who think that way. Yes some chicks exagerate sexual assault, but many do actually live through those terrible experiences.

All this being said, you did good and its best to move on but still be a supportive friend to this girl. If you cannot keep her in the friendzone, then pull away gently. But please, do not get involved with her unless youre emotionally and mentally prepared to take her on.

Its very hard dating anyone whos been through a truly traumatic experience. And rape is definitely one of those things that makes intimacy difficult for people.

 

[Chickfight]

No, to be honest, after the second time she didn't want to have sex I sure as hell would not be taking her out on any more dates, and she knew that. The only reason I spent the next few days with her is because we were all on vacation together. She knew I would be moving on to other girls, because I had made it clear how I view relationships and sex. You can't have a healthy romantic relationship without sex. I would still be friends with her (and still am actually), but that's it.

This all makes the rape story more believable to me, cause there's no other reason she would risk losing me over doing something she wanted to do anyway, unless she was a hardcore Christian (and I've dealt with that crap before), but she wasn't religious.

I appreciate your concern about me not accepting her story point blank, but in this context it made sense to me and women do actually get raped. Some women fake it, but it takes an extremely low standard of women to do this, almost as bad as rapists themselves imo. So I hope that I would be a good enough judge of character after spending that much time with her to know that she wouldn't stoop so low.

As I said I wasn't super into this girl, but I respected her for who she was. Really hard working, treats people well, volunteers at orphanages and shiit, so I can't imagine her lying to me about getting raped just because I got a little annoyed that we weren't having sex. There's no reason for it and if she didn't like me she could have called it off at any point.

I just think it's a sad situation and if I could have helped her I would have, because I was fond of her and I like helping people I like. The popular view here that all women are manipulative crazy *****es that have no value beyond getting fcked is ridiculously black and white, not to mention immature. I understand men and women are different, but some people are taking this shiit way too far.

 

[Purefilth]

The only difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship.

 

[Jaylan]

The only difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship.

riiiiiiiight

No, to be honest, after the second time she didn't want to have sex I sure as hell would not be taking her out on any more dates, and she knew that. The only reason I spent the next few days with her is because we were all on vacation together. She knew I would be moving on to other girls, because I had made it clear how I view relationships and sex. You can't have a healthy romantic relationship without sex. I would still be friends with her (and still am actually), but that's it.

This all makes the rape story more believable to me, cause there's no other reason she would risk losing me over doing something she wanted to do anyway, unless she was a hardcore Christian (and I've dealt with that crap before), but she wasn't religious.

I appreciate your concern about me not accepting her story point blank, but in this context it made sense to me and women do actually get raped. Some women fake it, but it takes an extremely low standard of women to do this, almost as bad as rapists themselves imo. So I hope that I would be a good enough judge of character after spending that much time with her to know that she wouldn't stoop so low.

As I said I wasn't super into this girl, but I respected her for who she was. Really hard working, treats people well, volunteers at orphanages and shiit, so I can't imagine her lying to me about getting raped just because I got a little annoyed that we weren't having sex. There's no reason for it and if she didn't like me she could have called it off at any point.

I just think it's a sad situation and if I could have helped her I would have, because I was fond of her and I like helping people I like. The popular view here that all women are manipulative crazy *****es that have no value beyond getting fcked is ridiculously black and white, not to mention immature. I understand men and women are different, but some people are taking this shiit way too far.

As I said before, you have a good handle on things.

Just be a good friend to her, but dont get involved romantically.

And you are right about what you say about some of the views on this forum. However, there are some wise posters here. Even with that being said, dont limit yourself to solely this forum when it comes to getting advice. There are other good PUA and general dating forums on the net.

 

[( . )( . )]

like a fat chick but with a c@ck

Real rape doesnt exist for some guys on this forum. For some, their first reaction to any story of rape is to automatically call the girl a liar..

Welcome to gaylans exciting sphincter expanding midnight fantasies of perpetual victimhood where a sea of rape gangs roams the streets.


RAAAAAPE CULTURE !!!

 

[Purefilth]

riiiiiiiight

yep, right.

 

[foreverAFC]

sounds like bullsht games to me, she aint into you, and if she really was then she is damaged goods anyway, move on ASAP

 

[Jaylan]

Why not? What's wrong with women that have been raped? Why are you shaming rape victims for something they can not control by implying they are not worthy of a relationship?

Dude why are you putting words in my mouth?

Did you read the OP? Did you read my previous responses in full. I told the OP he did the right thing. He needs a health sex life to be in a relationship with someone, and it doesnt seem like he may get one from this girl based on her current behavior and based on what shes been through.

Also, its no secret that it takes a VERY mentally and emotionally mature man to date a woman whos been through something as traumatic as rape. Ive said this already. OP doesnt seem like the kind of guy whos ready to take on that kind of emotional and mental responsibility. It can be very taxing on a person.

No where did I say this woman was not worthy of a relationship. Ive only said that OP should move on because he does not seem capable of giving her what she needs right now, and she doesnt seem to fit him right now. Does that make it clear for you now?

sounds like bullsht games to me, she aint into you, and if she really was then she is damaged goods anyway, move on ASAP

Hey purple pair...I love how you latch onto my statement and try to assume Im shaming a rape victim and saying they arent worthy of a relationship....all the while you let this letting gem of a comment slip by you.

Welcome to gaylans exciting sphincter expanding midnight fantasies of perpetual victimhood where a sea of rape gangs roams the streets.

RAAAAAPE CULTURE !!!

Lol. Clearly when a valid point is made, no one can ever expect a mature or logical retort from you. Jolly good show mate.

 

[Jaylan]

Actually he was willing to reach out to her and wants to know what to do next time a hurt soul crosses his path. Of course he is ready, look at the love he showed this girl. Show some compassion you sick fvck.

You must be trolling if you cant see what Im saying here.

If he was truly ready sex wouldnt be at the forefront of his decision making. Right now that seems to be the make or break for him. So I do not personally think he is ready, and I dont fault him. Sexual connection is important to a relationship, and he should find someone whom he can click with in that regard.

But to answer the OPs question even more, the best way to handle these situations is to not make sex such an end goal with these kind of girls. You gotta genuinely want to form an emotional connection with a woman whos been through that sort of thing. If the sex comes, thats great. If it doesnt, then you address that issue and decide whether to move on or not.

Not every chick will handle trauma the same.