Girl wanted to go out with me but now is confusing me

[Kal0051]

Been awhile since I posted here but I was talking to this girl and she's somewhat confusing me. I could use the advice.

Ok, so this girl is a friend of my sister who I apparently knew in the past. She contacts me a couple weeks ago and during our first convo seemed pretty forward about her intentions. She had ask me when I was taking her out. So we continued to talk a little bit and I asked her out for earlier this week. She ended up canceling on me because she ended up having to work.

Was chatting with her today on facebook briefly, saw that she changed her status to married (or something). I'm like "Oh, your married now", and of course she tells me she's not. I respond with something like "Yeah, I knew you are single" to which she responds "I'm kinda single, seeing someone but it's not serious yet". This took me by surprise a bit because she was being somewhat forward before, so I just made a joke like "At least my sister won't freak out anymore that your trying to date me ". And once again she's somewhat forward and says "Umm, well I kinda am but I also kinda just want to be your friend. We can be friends right?". Ok, that last message was kinda contradictory, so I just say "Sure, I don't really care either way" (which is the truth, originally I was giving this girl a chance because she's cute and potentially fun to hang with).

Not sure what to make of this one, on one hand she's forward about being attracted to me but then she pulls that last message. If she's not interested I'm not gonna be hurt and all but I doubt I'll put much effort into being her friend, I'll just be friendly when I see her.

 

[Bobby Rio]

I think you already figured it out...

it is impossible to read woman's minds. So any advice we could give you is a guess.

I think your plan sounds good though. When you see her, if you're not interested in being friends... create attraction. If she bites... she bites. if not, you didn't lose anything.

 

[Igetit!]

Ok, so this girl is a friend of my sister who I apparently knew in the past. She contacts me a couple weeks ago and during our first convo seemed pretty forward about her intentions. She had ask me when I was taking her out. So we continued to talk a little bit and I asked her out for earlier this week. She ended up canceling on me because she ended up having to work.

She asked you when you were going to take her out.

That's pretty agressive man. I like it when women are like that.


So the day you had planned for the date,she had to work that day.


I don't suppose SHE suggested another time,did she? Or did you have to do it?

Was chatting with her today on facebook briefly, saw that she changed her status to married (or something). I'm like "Oh, your married now", and of course she tells me she's not. I respond with something like "Yeah, I knew you are single" to which she responds "I'm kinda single, seeing someone but it's not serious yet". This took me by surprise a bit because she was being somewhat forward before, so I just made a joke like "At least my sister won't freak out anymore that your trying to date me ". And once again she's somewhat forward and says "Umm, well I kinda am but I also kinda just want to be your friend. We can be friends right?". Ok, that last message was kinda contradictory, so I just say "Sure, I don't really care either way"

This just seems like another standard "let's just be friends"/friendzone situation to me.


I think she was interested in the beginning,but honestly man,you seemed too weak/timid for her.



A woman can't be more agressive than the guy she's interested in and the relationship last for any length of time.




This girl was straight up/in your face about you two dating while you seemed to be tiptoeing around and hinting about the two of you.




I think it was your lack of agressiveness that made her friendzone you.




She had the stronger frame.



When she came at you with the "when are you taking me out" line,you should have either busted on her with something like,"Woah,woah,who said anything about me taking you out?",or came back at her hard and direct with something like,"When am I taking you out? Alright then,well listen:I HAVE (so and so day off),so here's the deal: Be ready at 7 o'clock,and wear something nice FOR ME. Oh,and one more thing....

Don't wear a lot of makeup. Yeah,I don't want to get lipstick all over my face".



You should have "OUTFRAMED" her frame.



I think you were right though. I do think initially she was interested,then after interacting with you,she lost interest,then pulled out the LJBF card.




You can't blame her though. I mean she came straight out and revealed her interest instead of all the hair flipping,eye lash batting,and other little "indicators" of interest we normally have to pick up on to determine if a girl likes us.

Not sure what to make of this one, on one hand she's forward about being attracted to me but then she pulls that last message.

Appears to be just another case of being friendzoned.


She was interested until she got to know you,then once she saw your lack of agression,she changed her mind.

 

[Kal0051]

Igetit! - your right that this girl was fairly aggressive about stating her intentions, but she did beat around the bush a bit before telling me that. From the beginning of our first conversation ( on facebook, that's how she contacted me then we exchanged numbers) I figured out her intent and was messing with her a bit, telling her I'll let her try out my new bed (meant it more in a sexual way, she knew I was moving and I said I was getting this really nice bed and she asked if it was comfortable) and trying to get her to reveal that she wanted me to ask her out. Then when she came out and said that I said "hmm I don't know... . Sure why not, what days are you usually free?". I didn't ask her out at this point because I didn't know my work schedule for the following week but I tell her I'll talk to her when I find out.

A day or 2 later I'm at work bored so I go on facebook on my phone. See her on, so I'm like "hey". I can't remember what we talked about (I was probably busting her balls for something) but at one point she calls me a fag. I say "lmao, that's not too nice" to which she responds with "well got no proof otherwise ". I come back with "want some proof? " and her response is "YES". So I tell her to send me her number. Was originally gonna get her on the phone then and there to plan a date but I suddenly had to go do some work and logged off. She sent me her number through an email. So I sent her an text telling her that we're going out the following tues. We never ended up going out that night because of stuff on her part and it was the only night I had off that week.

The next weekend (last weekend) I call her up and ask her out for mon or tues. She said she could probably go out tues, so I tell her I'll call her in a couple and tell her what we'll do. A couple if days later I talk to her and she tells me she just got a new job and tues is her first day so she won't be able to go out. She further tells me that she's sad she can't go out and she wanted to chill with me and that I seem like a nice guy. That was mon night.

So that's been my interaction with this girl thus far. I wouldn't say I wasn't aggressive at all but I guess I did something wrong. Mind helping me figure out what it was?

 

[ENIGMA16]

A day or 2 later I'm at work bored so I go on facebook on my phone. See her on, so I'm like "hey". I can't remember what we talked about (I was probably busting her balls for something) but at one point she calls me a fag. I say "lmao, that's not too nice" to which she responds with "well got no proof otherwise ". I come back with "want some proof? " and her response is "YES". So I tell her to send me her number. Was originally gonna get her on the phone then and there to plan a date but I suddenly had to go do some work and logged off.

HAH the proper response would have been "My place in an hour".

Seems like she was so open about it and was upset that you didn't take the bait.

 

[Kal0051]

I should add that this girl is probably gonna be coming over to my place soon so maybe I'll just isolate her in my room for a bit (after all I did say I'd let her try my bed) and just kiss her. Either she goes for it or not.

 

[Kal0051]

HAH the proper response would have been "My place in an hour".

Seems like she was so open about it and was upset that you didn't take the bait.

yes that would have been good but I was still stuck at work for the next 9 hours and she can't just come over suddenly (she has a young kid, that's why we didn't go out the first time, she couldn't get a sitter).

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Been awhile since I posted here but I was talking to this girl and she's somewhat confusing me. I could use the advice.

Ok, so this girl is a friend of my sister who I apparently knew in the past. She contacts me a couple weeks ago and during our first convo seemed pretty forward about her intentions. She had ask me when I was taking her out. So we continued to talk a little bit and I asked her out for earlier this week. She ended up canceling on me because she ended up having to work.

Was chatting with her today on facebook briefly, saw that she changed her status to married (or something). I'm like "Oh, your married now", and of course she tells me she's not. I respond with something like "Yeah, I knew you are single" to which she responds "I'm kinda single, seeing someone but it's not serious yet". This took me by surprise a bit because she was being somewhat forward before, so I just made a joke like "At least my sister won't freak out anymore that your trying to date me ". And once again she's somewhat forward and says "Umm, well I kinda am but I also kinda just want to be your friend. We can be friends right?". Ok, that last message was kinda contradictory, so I just say "Sure, I don't really care either way" (which is the truth, originally I was giving this girl a chance because she's cute and potentially fun to hang with).

Not sure what to make of this one, on one hand she's forward about being attracted to me but then she pulls that last message. If she's not interested I'm not gonna be hurt and all but I doubt I'll put much effort into being her friend, I'll just be friendly when I see her.

What is your question? You handled everything in the aftermath the way a man should. As mentioned above, she was pretty direct and aggressive and most of the time the window is very small, and time is critical. As long as you are not all hung up on this one, you can even pursue and get her to chase you. I would advice to be friendly, but don't give her the attention she is seeking.

You seem to have a pretty good attitude going in and even better outlook after her nonsense. I really don't see where you could have handled this better, after she went wishy washy. You don't have too much invested on a non-situation, the way we often see these newbies get involved in. You only get a chance, so you better aim your gun and shoot your shot, early, if not, be prepared to move on.

Everybody listen, learn how to handle this type of stuff (being friend zoned, and declining interest)the way this man just did. If you fvck it up, you learn and move on.

Edit: Just saw your other post. She seemed to really catch you by surprise at how she came out swinging. She knocked you down, unexpectedly, but the time you got up you were on wobbly legs. Your response wasn't very assertive, and too vague. You gave her too much room to tip toe, so she got flaky. Don't swet it man. You can make one very strong attempt, but move on if she is not interested after that.

 

[Kal0051]

What is your question?

My question was more about the "Umm, well I kinda am but I also kinda just want to be your friend. We can be friends right?" line. Does she want to date or does she want to just be my friend? Because up to this point she seemed to want to date. So I was surprise by that and that she's seeing someone (not that I should be surprised, she is hot).

And thanks for thinking that I've been handling things well up to this point. I'm really clueless about women and have never been able to attract them. So I'm still learning, and I thought I was doing well with her.

 

[Ralfus1]

You asked her out. And like Anti-Dump said "Anything but a 'yes' is a no".

Figure it out.

 

[Kal0051]

You asked her out. And like Anti-Dump said "Anything but a 'yes' is a no".

Figure it out.

she did say yes, twice in fact. Although she had to cancel twice, once she couldn't get a sitter, and the second she had to work at her new job. Maybe she was lying, but wouldn't have been easier to just say something other than yes and then have to cancel?

 

[Ralfus1]

So I sent her an text telling her that we're going out the following tues. We never ended up going out that night because of stuff on her part and it was the only night I had off that week.

Did she say yes? Don't know.

The next weekend (last weekend) I call her up and ask her out for mon or tues. She said she could probably go out tues, so I tell her I'll call her in a couple and tell her what we'll do. A couple if days later I talk to her and she tells me she just got a new job and tues is her first day so she won't be able to go out.

That's not a yes. She left herself an out.

If it's not definite, it no good.

 

[Kal0051]

Did she say yes? Don't know.



That's not a yes. She left herself an out.

If it's not definite, it no good.

fine whatever, she's just a liar then. Not really surprised, I'm used to it. This is the most positive a girl has ever been with me. I guess she just told me she wanted to go out with me to screw with my head.

And yes, she said yes to the first time but she said she'd have to make sure she had someone to watch her kid. Same thing with the second time. I guess that could have been a lie too.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

My question was more about the "Umm, well I kinda am but I also kinda just want to be your friend. We can be friends right?" line. Does she want to date or does she want to just be my friend? Because up to this point she seemed to want to date. So I was surprise by that and that she's seeing someone (not that I should be surprised, she is hot).

Yeah, based on the evidence she currently has,she just wants to be your friend.
As IgetIt pointed out to you, and made me pay attention, you had your one chance and didn't know how to handle it.

Also, after reading your replies, you come across as a little too passive and down to earth (non-agressive) for your own good. That is not good when dealing with most women, specially feminine ones. More dominant types, with more masculine energy, can, will, and preffer to deal with a more submissive male.

I wouldn't bother with this one at this point. Lesson learned. If she openly opens up to you, very doubtful, then know what to do, fast.

And thanks for thinking that I've been handling things well up to this point. I'm really clueless about women and have never been able to attract them. So I'm still learning, and I thought I was doing well with her.

Well, you handle the aftermath well, after blowing it up big time. Most newbies will dwell and go totally afc on the girl and chase and supplicate. Just read some of the posts by Drift King/Pikachu69. You accepted that this one was lost and seem to be willing to move on, without loosing your dignity. That's what I meant. But then again, this probably has to do with your passive nature and "take it or leave it" attitude. The same attitude that gets in the way of being agressive when it needs to be.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

fine whatever, she's just a liar then. Not really surprised, I'm used to it. This is the most positive a girl has ever been with me. I guess she just told me she wanted to go out with me to screw with my head.

Ok, so the inner afc is rearing its ugly head. You are now taking it personally and are actually bothered. If you are used to it, it means it is NOT THEM, IT'S YOU.

She told you she wanted to go out with you because she actually did, for a brief time. Not to mess with your head. That is all ego. You don't matter enough for her to go through all that trouble. She doesn't know you. She wanted to go out with you, but QUICKLY discovered you were not the type of guy she wants. She didn't even want to have you spend money on her in "taking her out". Feel lucky. A lot of guys will shill out cash and waste their time, only to go home with a unique feeling in their growing. Now, that is messed up.

And yes, she said yes to the first time but she said she'd have to make sure she had someone to watch her kid. Same thing with the second time. I guess that could have been a lie too.

By the time you asked her out, a lot had already been communicated. Re-read IgetIt's post. At that point she has to lie to you until she can tell you she just wants to be friends. Guys' egos can't handle the truth. Not when they have zero game. Imagine if a very fat, hairy girl with pimples and bath bread (yes, that's how repulsive afc's are seen by hotties) was all over your jock. You would probably find a few nice ways to reject her, wouldn't you? YOu would have to lie (white lies), unless she really wasn't getting it. At that point, you'd lie and say you want to be friends (you probably wouldn't want to be friends with her), or tell her you are taken, engaged, or married.

 

[Kal0051]

Yeah, based on the evidence she currently has,she just wants to be your friend.
As IgetIt pointed out to you, and made me pay attention, you had your one chance and didn't know how to handle it.

Also, after reading your replies, you come across as a little too passive and down to earth (non-agressive) for your own good. That is not good when dealing with most women, specially feminine ones. More dominant types, with more masculine energy, can, will, and preffer to deal with a more submissive male.

I wouldn't bother with this one at this point. Lesson learned. If she openly opens up to you, very doubtful, then know what to do, fast.



Well, you handle the aftermath well, after blowing it up big time. Most newbies will dwell and go totally afc on the girl and chase and supplicate. Just read some of the posts by Drift King/Pikachu69. You accepted that this one was lost and seem to be willing to move on, without loosing your dignity. That's what I meant. But then again, this probably has to do with your passive nature and "take it or leave it" attitude. The same attitude that gets in the way of being agressive when it needs to be.

I developed the "take it or leave it" attitude because I used to go total afc on girls in the past. As well I'm not overly aggressive because I've done that in the past and it never went over well, hence my attitude. Your probably right that I don't know how to handle women, I never learned how to. And it doesn't help that women don't give me a chance to learn, having only a single small window of opportunity with a girl definitely doesn't help.

It's taken me a year to get to the point where I don't take it personally, where I can walk away. But I want to learn the next part, how to actually deal with women (and not just rejection).

Edit: I said "she's just a liar than" because I didn't want to argue that she probably wasn't lying. This post isn't about if she is or isn't being honest. It's about what I did wrong. And yes, maybe I'm not the type of guy she wants to go out with, but up to this point no girl has wanted to go out with me. So I don't know what to do. It pisses me off that these girls don't even give me a chance. And this "game" is pissing me off too because it appears so many guys can be successful at it but I can't (or at least I haven't). It would be simpler if I could just live without women, but I'm attracted to them and would like to experience a relationship.

 

[AMDG]

Maybe she was lying, but wouldn't have been easier to just say something other than yes and then have to cancel?

She needed her drama fix

And this "game" is pissing me off too because it appears so many guys can be successful at it but I can't (or at least I haven't). It would be simpler if I could just live without women, but I'm attracted to them and would like to experience a relationship.

I like the game. One girl said to me once - "for you that is a social experiment not the start of a relationship " and I replied "it all depends on you"

 

[AMDG]

And this "game" is pissing me off too because it appears so many guys can be successful at it but I can't (or at least I haven't). It would be simpler if I could just live without women, but I'm attracted to them and would like to experience a relationship.

I like the game. One girl said to me once - "for you that is a social experiment not the start of a relationship " and I replied "it all depends on you"

 

[Gangster Of Love]

I developed the "take it or leave it" attitude because I used to go total afc on girls in the past. As well I'm not overly aggressive because I've done that in the past and it never went over well, hence my attitude. Your probably right that I don't know how to handle women, I never learned how to. And it doesn't help that women don't give me a chance to learn, having only a single small window of opportunity with a girl definitely doesn't help.

It's taken me a year to get to the point where I don't take it personally, where I can walk away. But I want to learn the next part, how to actually deal with women (and not just rejection).

Edit: I said "she's just a liar than" because I didn't want to argue that she probably wasn't lying. This post isn't about if she is or isn't being honest. It's about what I did wrong. And yes, maybe I'm not the type of guy she wants to go out with, but up to this point no girl has wanted to go out with me. So I don't know what to do. It pisses me off that these girls don't even give me a chance. And this "game" is pissing me off too because it appears so many guys can be successful at it but I can't (or at least I haven't). It would be simpler if I could just live without women, but I'm attracted to them and would like to experience a relationship.

Why should they give you a chance to practice and learn with them, when they can just pick somebody who already knows what the score is? Try looking at them from their point of view.

You already have done a lot of progress. This takes time. I could see you getting down if you had not experienced any progress, but you have.

How old are you? It is never too late to get this handled, or get working towards getting this part of yoru life straight. Most of us here never learned how to handle these situations UNTIL we got help. We've all had to go through the learning process, and it can take a lot longer than you want before you start getting pretty good. You've already made enough progress where you can see and compare the old you to the you of now.

Study the responses of some of the best posters in here. The way they answer common afc questions and situations, and you'll find yourself implementing the new knowledge when needed. Do the reading and use it where it applies. Nobody here minds helping someone who is just starting or needs a lot of help, as long as you actually listen to the valuable advice and not go back to doing your thing. You seem like you are ready to make that change.