Girl thinks we went "too far" on our first date

[Matt Rogers]

I had a first date with this girl recently. She is smart, sexy and sassy and impressed me a lot. We were having a great time and it got late and as I missed the last train and it was a two hour bus ride back to mine I invited myself back to hers. She expressed reservations saying she never had guys round and it would feel like an invasion. But I cut through her objections saying nothing would happen and I just did not want the evening to end.

Well we went back to hers and turns out she sleeps naked. Well in the end she changed into some ugly briefs and had a towelling robe. I just stripped to boxers. I had too much to drink and was kinda tired. So we just fell asleep in each other's arms and when I woke up in the morning she was already dressed and in a hurry for me to leave.

I phoned her a couple of days later and she seemed cold. I told her she seemed cold and she launched into this speech about how by doing that it felt like I didn't know her at all and just so I know she wouldn't have let me sleep with her but was glad I didn't try. She then said that she could have done things I wouldn't have been able to resist but didn't because she is a good girl. During our conversation she threw in a few other sexual comments. She then said she hadn't been eating much lately. I said well how about I buy you dinner and she replied she was not ready for dinner and friday was just too much.

So Im not really sure how to proceed.

Of course I know that once Id got back to hers I should have slept with her. But like I said id had too much to drink. Perhaps she feels a bit rejected because i didn't sleep with her. I'm not sure.

 

[Mr. Me]

Perhaps she feels a bit rejected because i didn't sleep with her. I'm not sure.

No, I think she felt uncomfortable with the whole idea of having you over, you're practically a stranger to her, it was the first date. She practically said so.

Your post states several instances of her strong objections ("feel like an invasion") yet your mindset was probably that these were sh!t tests where these were 'objections to be cut through', instead of understanding that you're supossed to be building comfort and rapport. But she says now that didn't feel that you "get" her ("it felt like I didn't know her at all"), and yet you see her as reacting from possibly feeling rejected? I think that's way off.

She wouldn't act cold. If she felt rejected, odds are she'd be hurt a bit and trying to get you to like her.

She may figure the whole thing about missing the last train was all part of the ploy to get to stay over, given that you "invited yourself" to her place. Like the ploy some guys use about having to urgently use her bathroom when they drop her off at home. Or she may see you as disorganized what with missing that last train. Or she may see you as not being able to take care of yourself since you pushed for her to let you stay over. Who knows?

So given that she seems to have the feeling that you don't care about her comfort level and don't understand her as a person, IOW, she doesn't feel comfort and rapport with you, this isn't probably going to work out for you.

She shouldn't be acting cold after a first date, she should be acting warmer. So obviously her objections weren't meant to be simply cut through, as that didn't bring about the desired results. I rest my case.

How to proceed? I think you needed to take action the very next day by apologizing that you were too intoxicated and it was extremely late and appreciated her letting you stay over and then let the whole matter rest.

Now before others start thumping their chests and hollering that you shouldn't ever apologize for what you do, let me clarify:

When a man does something *wrong*, a man apologizes immediately and succinctly. You not only made her visibly uncomfortable by insisting on staying over instead of taking care of your own needs by either sucking it up and taking that bus ride or by renting a motel room for yourself, you also didn't apologize to let her know this was merely a one time glitch and try to put her at ease that way.

I think she probably wouldn't be looking forward to another date where the same thing may happen again, you know?

 

[DJDamage]

Cuddling before even having sex with a chick is anti-challange.

If you felt that you weren't going to fvck her tonight, you should have quit while ahead and leave on a high note. It seems like you pushed yourself into her house as an "excuse" for missing the train and there was an element of seduction missing.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Well i gave it a few days said i was sorry for not respecting her boundaries and appreciated her letting me stay over. She seemed quite receptive and we chatted for a bit but once i suggested just hanging out she ignored the question and said she had to go to bed.

Then she texts me the next day asking how my day is going. I ignore her and later that day she says "is it just me or do you not want to talk to me?"

 

[mtbbkr111]

You shouldn't have invited yourself over.. You're best bet would have been as DJDamage said to leave on a high note..

Almost the same thing happened to me 2 yrs ago.. Except she invited me back the first date (we messed around a bit).. The second date I assumed I was going to stay over.. When the date came to an end (well we just hung out at her house and had dinner).. She basically let me stay out of politeness (in her bed though), because I was flying for work early the next morning and I did not want to spend the night waiting for my flight in the airport..

Needless to say, I felt the resistance and low IL, so I moved on right away..

I would not text her back but call her, ask her out.. If she puts it off, move on because she just likes the attetion and the fact that she is giving you a glimmer of hope..

 

[Mr. Me]

I ignore her and later that day she says "is it just me or do you not want to talk to me?"

Now she can't tell if you're interested or not, but she sounds like she may be. Great! You still may have a shot with her. Don't tell her anything more then "Nah, I'm just busy!"

But she may not be receptive to "just hanging out" and concerned that a date with you may still end up with you insisting on staying over. First impressions are hard to overcome.

Maybe if you keep hanging back a bit, then call her and invite her out to more then just "hanging out" by way of inviting her to something definite with an early enough clear finish time that gets you on that train home, and see if she accepts.

Like: "Hey, I'm planning on going to [name a place] and shoot some pool, maybe grab a bite to eat, next Wednesday. But I have to absolutely grab that 10:30 train back because I have an early day the next day, so I'm looking to get there about 7:30. Why don't you join me for a little while?"

And if she accepts, keep your eye on the time and keep your word and build some trust with her.

 

[CGE333]

It shouldn't be this hard. If her IL was high she would not make it this hard to go out with her. This woman is a drama queen and unbalanced. If i were you i'd walk away, or at best give it one more shot and then eject.

As for the coldness after staying at her house, i suspect something happened to this girl in the past. Of course after she said that even if you tried you would not have been able to sleep with her, you should have stuck up for yourself and your skills. At the very least follow her comment with "I know where my talents and my skills are, trust me you would not have been able to resist me. But, I decided that we could wait a little while for me to display my talent" (or something like that)

 

[SharpGame]

This is a clear case of what 'Mystery' calls "Buyer's Remorse". She felt she had to throw up her ASD to keep from looking cheap. She's definitely still interested, but is afraid that you're only contacting her to get at least as far as you did before - which she isn't ready for yet (but could be soon). This is still totally workable. I agree with Mr. Me's course of action.

 

[lookyoung]

Never ever ever ever ever sleep in a girls bed and not fuk her. If you do chances are you will be put in the friendzone. Next time you sleep in a girls bed I don't care if you just met her 2 seconds ago you At least make an attempt to fukk her. Guys sleeping next to a girl and not banging them makes me want to vomit.

 

[SoCalMike]

Never ever ever ever ever sleep in a girls bed and not fuk her. If you do chances are you will be put in the friendzone. Next time you sleep in a girls bed I don't care if you just met her 2 seconds ago you At least make an attempt to fukk her. Guys sleeping next to a girl and not banging them makes me want to vomit.

Me too.

I think this shows a profound difference between men and women. That women can actually WANT to sleep next to a dude and not fvck them is just lame.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Well I basically stopped texting her, saying I was busy when she asked why I was so distant lately etc. In the end she phoned me up and apologised saying she was sorry for making me wait but she was freaking out because she was scared of getting involved and she always did this and hated it. She said that she was upset at first about Friday but really she did not think it was my fault because she wanted it too and it felt right. She said she was out last night with her friends and all these guys kept coming up to her but she couldn't didn't give a damn about any of them and couldn't stop thinking about me. She said she would have called me or texted me then but she knew I'd think that she was just doing it because she was drunk etc.

Im like "OK" and she says she thinks we should meet for a coffee. I say "ok when did you have in mind" and she says "Im not sure yet. I think I need some time but I promise I won't make you wait long".

I still don't get this. Would a girl go to these lengths just to get attention? Because I do not believe a word of it.

 

[Vulpine]

Im like "OK" and she says she thinks we should meet for a coffee. I say "ok when did you have in mind" and she says "Im not sure yet. I think I need some time but I promise I won't make you wait long".

I still don't get this. Would a girl go to these lengths just to get attention? Because I do not believe a word of it.

Don't. If one were to ask me to translate, considering the situation, I'd offer:

"Im not sure yet. I think I need some time but I promise I won't make you wait long".

In this case translates to...

"Im not sure yet. I think I need some time to finalize the break up with my boyfriend but I promise I will make you wait before I branch swing to you".

If I were you, I'd let her think she had a firm grasp on me as the next branch, go ahead and let her dump her boyfriend, and let her fall flat on her face when she went to swing over to me.

It's pretty apparent, at this point, that she has a boyfriend or two already.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Pretty astute Vulpine. Yeah her ex boyfriend is in the picture. She insists she is happily single and she left him but says it is unfinished business in the sense that they still have a business relationship but she has not seen him in over three months. She was pretty upfront about this early on. But it could all be lies.
Certainly she had no qualms about accepting a first date.

 

[Vulpine]

Well, I don't think that a genuinely uninvolved chick would have any problems sleeping with someone they were interested in romantically. What's more likely is her and the ex are FB's. But, what's for sure is this chick is playing some sort of games...

In the end she phoned me up and apologised saying she was sorry for making me wait

Sounds ok...

but she was freaking out because she was scared of getting involved and she always did this and hated it.

...but she has some baggage/issues, or is flat-out lying for your pity...

She said that she was upset at first about Friday but really she did not think it was my fault because she wanted it too and it felt right.

Of course it's not your fault! It's HER issue...

She said she was out last night with her friends and all these guys kept coming up to her but she couldn't didn't give a damn about any of them and couldn't stop thinking about me.

A little jealousy ploy? Aww... how nice... you're a DJ and her BF is an AFC.

She said she would have called me or texted me then but she knew I'd think that she was just doing it because she was drunk etc.

Or, it was all fabricated.


Look, actions versus words. Don't get wrapped up in her blahblahblah.

The actions... the actions are telling her story better than she is. I could spew words at you all day long: whether they are true or not is another story. She could have called, but, giving you some bullsh¡t excuse is much easier. She could have ƒucked you that first night, but then she would be double-dipping, and in her head, cheating. Her ex could just be involved with business, or, they could be involved in monkey business. Did she bother to mention all the dudes she's seeing that aren't even ex's yet? Of course not.

If you step back and disregard EVERYTHING she has said, (which is tough, I know) and paid attention to just the facts as you've witnessed them, you'd probably walk; or at least have a better idea of how to go about this plate.

I guess what I'm saying is: step back and look at the "forest through the trees". If your gut doesn't feel right, then, trust it.

 

[SoCalMike]

Im like "OK" and she says she thinks we should meet for a coffee. I say "ok when did you have in mind" and she says "Im not sure yet. I think I need some time but I promise I won't make you wait long".

I still don't get this. Would a girl go to these lengths just to get attention? Because I do not believe a word of it.

It sounds to me like she's got you on the back burner and there are other things in her life that are more important, one of them probably being another man.

I mean, she can't even commit to when to meet for coffee?

At this point, let her pursue you if she's interested. Let her call you and ask you when/where you'd like to meet. I wouldn't chase her anymore.

If she doesn't pursue, time to move on.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Great insights and you are right actions speak louder than words.

The only thing I would say is that I didn't try to sleep with her because I was intoxicated. We were half-naked and fooling around and really if my equipment had been working I would have fancied my chances.

I think if our first date was that much of a problem to her I wouldn't have heard back from her at all. So I think she might be using it as a smokescreen and like you said the real issue is she is in the middle of a break-up and to ease the transition process is scoping for her new man. Perhaps she seems me as a possibility so is trying to string me along until her break-up is finalised and then will suddenly decide she is ready and use me as a rebound guy.

Either way Im not going to wait that long for sex because there are other girls. And she is definitely not relationship material

 

[Matt Rogers]

Hey SoCal i think that might work.

After talking to me Sunday night on the phone she obviously liked it because tonight she was texting me saying she was just about to fall asleep and if I liked I could call her. I was awake but ignored it. Half hour later she is sending me another text with the message "guess you are sleepng" with one of those ridiculous emoticon sad faces at the end.

So yeah it is classic attention seeking.

 

[Mr. Me]

she says she thinks we should meet for a coffee. I say "ok when did you have in mind" and she says "Im not sure yet. I think I need some time but I promise I won't make you wait long".

"We SHOULD meet for coffee... I'm NOT SURE yet". She contradicts herself in two sentences!

I should get that bypass surgery. But I'm not sure yet.
I should take that exit. But I'm not sure yet.
I should lose 20 pounds. But I'm not sure yet.
I should repair the leaky roof. But I'm not sure yet.

Nope, sorry, there's nothing I can think of where that "should/not sure" combo makes sense.

Of course, whether it's a case of attention seeking or exes in the picture or whatever, it's also an indicator of her mild interest in you.

Bottom line: She didn't go ahead and make the date she just proposed to you. When you asked when it was good for her, that was making her put the pedal to the metal... and she simply didn't do it.

Drop her.

 

[betterthandead]

Sure buddy, you "missed" the bus at night. reading futther posts aside, seems like she isn't that into you. move on and figure out the mistakes and learn, it'll be good.

 

[betterthandead]

I made this msitake once a couple years ago. I was even given beer while sitting on the girls bed watching a movie. Girl LJBF me the next day, ouch.

Never ever ever ever ever sleep in a girls bed and not fuk her. If you do chances are you will be put in the friendzone. Next time you sleep in a girls bed I don't care if you just met her 2 seconds ago you At least make an attempt to fukk her. Guys sleeping next to a girl and not banging them makes me want to vomit.