Girl that is afraid of commitment

[Bayou]

I've been seeing for the last month in half. The longest relationship she has had is 9 months. We work for the same company. We were really good friends for the last year before we started dating. When we go out she ends up asking me why I'm dating her. She tells me she's no good for me. She can't date anybody for an extended period of time. She does tell me she likes me but doesn't want to hurt me since we were very good friends. She called me the other day to tell her to shut up next time she brings it up.
I rarely call her. We see each other maybe once or twice a week. How should I handle this girl? I'm thinking just not making any contact with her this week. Try to show her I don't need her.

 

[Stem]

Just keep doing what you've been doing.. Ignore the comment.... Just go out and have FUN!!!.. she's baiting you into relationship talk, don't bite the hook cause she practices catch and release..

Stem

 

[Bronxtal112]

I've been seeing for the last month in half. The longest relationship she has had is 9 months. We work for the same company. We were really good friends for the last year before we started dating. When we go out she ends up asking me why I'm dating her. She tells me she's no good for me. She can't date anybody for an extended period of time. She does tell me she likes me but doesn't want to hurt me since we were very good friends. She called me the other day to tell her to shut up next time she brings it up.
I rarely call her. We see each other maybe once or twice a week. How should I handle this girl? I'm thinking just not making any contact with her this week. Try to show her I don't need her.

Dude, be very, very careful about the whole "Afraid of commitment" line. I've just walked away from one of those types of women. What I've learned is that they use it to fall back on when they don't wanna be with you anymore.

 

[Observer]

Steam and Bronxtal
So true both of your comment.

Bayou, you said nothing about why do you wont this girl and do you really want her at all. But before you replay, let me worn you.

I think that one of the common mistakes people do is getting involved sexually with their coworkers, which is fun at the beggining, but usually leads to emotional involvement from one side or even both sides.
If any of sides want to stop,(and spending to much time together at work and at private, will speed up low interest process) the other ends up hurt, which is a problem for both of sides.
But this problem is hard to solve, since you cannot avoid source of it, the other side, bec you are working together.
I strongly advice not to involve with coworkers at all.

Same goes with a women friends.
You said you have been good friends for almost a year. From my experience involving with your friends is NEVER good idea.
Mostly because they already know too much of you and that kills the beauty of mistery that they love so much.
For some own reasons they might get involved with you anyway, but those reasons are never good enough to make them feel really strongly attached to you for longer period. So often I saw my women friends looking excited listening to their girl friends talking about new guy they meet, the mistery he presents and so on.
At those momet they associated the same feelings with mistery with the guy they are with right now and thats why they really like hearing stories like this. But since you never been a mistery to her at all (you were good friends), she associated those feelings to someone before you or someone she is interested at right now. That is moment when she will admit to herself low interest she has about you. Soon, she will start act accordingly to that feeling.
Women will not agree with me, but in many situations (including twice even my oven) the relationship ends in a way that women is not interested any more and the guy ends up dumped.
They insist in being friends after it (and they really wont to have you around, but not as a man), but if you really have a feeling for her, than you know its best for you not to have anything to do with her, bec it will hurt.
She said it herself that she dont wonna hurt you, so I think she already has a feeling where this might end up.
Do NOT go for it.
Many times in my life I was hooked by this words, and try to win them, but I was just playing their game.

So, if you really wonna handle this girl (unless you are totally in love, already), just NEXT her.
Not in just in the way you act towards her, but in your minds too.

Good luck

OB

 

[speed dawg]

She's not that attracted to you. She will dump you when somebody she is attracted to comes along. Sorry to be so blunt. It's true. The "friend" angle never works for an extended period of time. You may get some puzzy out of it, but it won't last. Move on.

 

[xblitz44x]

She's not that attracted to you. She will dump you when somebody she is attracted to comes along. Sorry to be so blunt. It's true. The "friend" angle never works for an extended period of time. You may get some puzzy out of it, but it won't last. Move on.

I don't agree with this.

I agree with what Stem said: If you enjoy the once/twice a week arrangement then keep doing what you're doing. Apparently she's choosing to see you and that's good enough for now. If for some reason you don't enjoy how casual your relationship is and require something more serious that has more potential then you have to cut her loose to work out her own problems.

But if you are ok with what you have, take it for what it is and have FUN. Her committment issues are HER issues, so let her work them out without pressuring her one way or another. Changing your behavior now (ie: stopping contact with her) will only solidify her distrust in relationships. And that is a sure-fire way to destroy any progress you have made.

Good luck.

PS: It feels good to finally be allowed to post in the "Mature Man" forum. Now where is my viagra!?

 

[decades]

what she is saying to you is that she can't or won't ever have anything more than "shallow" feelings for you. She won't allow herself to fall for you, she won't develop any deep intimacy. All your interactions with her will be superficial. They may well involve sex but it won't be meaningful or emotional sex for Her. Be careful. Don't "fall" head over heals for her. She is giving you a warning and you should HEAR it. Don't ignore it. If you can stay detached from her and just enjoy this for what it is, a shallow physical relationship, then it might work out and run its course. But, if you FALL for her and start playing the rescuer and her shrink and you become enmeshed with her, then you are in for a world of hurt. you will lose because she does not have deep consistent feelings for you and never will. Be rational about this and understand that you have to be detached with her. If she succeeds in drawing you in and getting your heart, you will lose and lose big because she is telling you the truth. SHE WON"T COMMIT TO YOU. Good luck. If it were me, I would be scouting for the exits. One other thing. If you are a bit enamored with this unavailable woman, you have your own commitment issues to work on.

regards

 

[NewMan]

Dude, be very, very careful about the whole "Afraid of commitment" line. I've just walked away from one of those types of women. What I've learned is that they use it to fall back on when they don't wanna be with you anymore.

This is right on.

She likes you for right now.

as long and you know this, you'll be fine.

 

[DJDamage]

You got it made bayou, I fail to see your problem here. I am more worried about women jumping the gun and wanting to be my LTR after a month and a half. If a woman tells me she is afraid of commitment and only wants to date, I consider that to be a great bargain. You get the oppertuinty to be free, date and explore relationship with other women while still able to return to her open warm legs.

If you start spinning some plates (date several women at the same time) your prespectives will change. Not only will you not want an LTR right away but she will sense that you are wanted by other women and will actually end up requesting a LTR from you! it will come full circle.

 

[Road Demon]

Background is that you have been good friends for the prior year ;you have been going out for 6 weeks now? Sounds like a good foundation to me. She must like you as a person and IS attracted to you. She is scared of a good thing. I believe you do really like her.

How old is she? Has she been hurt in the past?

Quoted from Bayou "asking me why I'm dating her. She tells me she's no good for me. She can't date anybody for an extended period of time. She does tell me she likes me but doesn't want to hurt me since we were very good friends."--It sound like low self esteem (LSE) issues to me. LSE females don't think highly of themselves (even though they might be attractive and smart), and think like " why does he like me, why is he interested in me, why does care for etc. he must be an idiot for wanting me." It NOT YOUR problem its their problem.

These LSE females tend to like struggle and drama in their relationships.

Your Solution: back off. be a challenge. don't be to clingy. don't tell that you care for them too much, but you can let them know care infrequently to reassure them through actions.

I do agree with STEM and xblitz44x she might be feeling you out for a relationship, but is scared...

I would continue what you have been doing, keep up the same pace and ignore the relationship comments stuff.

Like Stem said have fun and don't pressure her. Avoid relationship talk. Agree with her. Small happy, positive talk. Feed her positive emotions.

As Rollo would say: Spin more plates on the side...that will prevent YOU from getting too clingy, which will drive her away.