Girl shows interest, then flakes without explaning

[SeekingForGreater]

Hello, SS gurus,

So there's this girl.. I'm not gonna start telling how great she is, but I really like her. We've known each other for like 4 years. Our dating experience has followed a certain pattern for all those years. We start communicating, everything seems really great, she shows interest, says that she likes me. We go to a couple or more of dates, we kiss. I try to set up more dates, but she starts flaking or not responding to my messages.

This year, she starts skype'ing me, we chat, we laugh, everything is great. We go on a date, I kiss close. On Sunday, I told her that I wanna see her and repeat the kiss we had on Friday. She said she wants that, too. Now, we arranged a meeting on Tuesday. She said she has to postpone it until Wednesday. On Wednesday, she asked if I could give her a rain check. I asked why. No response.

It's actually quite funny for me since this is happening every year, and I'm being quite naive to think that something will change this time. It always ends up in me cutting her off and not replying, later she stops writing to me. Now, I'm having hard feelings not because she flaked, but because she did it without explaining and simply not responding to my question.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I could cut her off, but I would like to hear some alternatives. Should I somehow confront her about not replying to my question or should I pretend nothing happened (I don't like this one)? Help me out, guys, I need some advice!

 

[pinkfl]

That's freaking weird.

From what I get out of it, she is flaking because she's only interested in you when her self esteem is low. And because you keep trying again and again, the cycle repeats. Or she's possibly using you to make someone else jealous.

Either way it's really weird that she says she likes you, kisses you, and then when you follow up on it she decides she doesn't want anymore.

I honestly think that removing yourself from the picture would be the best advice in this case.

 

[Fly By Night]

From the context you've given, I feel like you are following the "mainstream dating" game plan. You go out on a date then you kiss, then nothing more. Maybe you need to escalate the kiss into something more?

Look at it this way, she will be much more interested in a guy she has already effed over a guy she just kissed. Unless your game is tight and you have been making spot-on sexual advances, she will NEVER show a kiss buddy more attention than a f*** buddy. The first couple of dates you guys just kiss closed, she realized that you were not pushing towards anything further so she started to flake because she knew you were just going to date, kiss, then leave. I bet you've been taking her out to dinner dates, haven't you?

But please explain your dates in more detail. I have no idea where you are taking her, how you are escalating, how you are getting the kiss closes, and other things of the sort.

 

[SeekingForGreater]

This time, I don't see how to do 'something more' since she is flaking without explanation. Also, I don't think she thinks that I would 'just going to date, kiss, then leave', since I show interest and invite her to go out again.

We were on a movie date after which she said next time we should see an erotic one. I don't have time to expand on that at the moment, sorry for that. What I would appreciate is some advice on how to act now, how to ask her about what happened. I feel disrespected, and I'm not sure how to show her that and prevent it from happening again.

How would you deal with this situation, guys?

 

[Igetit!]

How would you deal with this situation, guys?

How would we handle this situation. Well to be honest...I wouldn't be in it to begin with,it's kinda ridiculous to be straight with you.


Let's look at a few things you said.....

Hello, SS gurus,

So there's this girl.. I'm not gonna start telling how great she is, but I really like her. We've known each other for like 4 years. Our dating experience has followed a certain pattern for all those years. We start communicating, everything seems really great, she shows interest, says that she likes me. We go to a couple or more of dates, we kiss. I try to set up more dates, but she starts flaking or not responding to my messages.

First of all,you've known this girl for 4 YEARS. Half a decade you've been putting up with this sh1t. That alone let's me know you either have oneitis,have no other options,or are just plain crazy.

This year, she starts skype'ing me, we chat, we laugh, everything is great. We go on a date, I kiss close. On Sunday, I told her that I wanna see her and repeat the kiss we had on Friday. She said she wants that, too.

Now this....dude I don't know,:crackup:....I'm glad my bathroom is nearby,I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard. You went on a date with this girl and kiss closed her. Really?

Well that's good and all,but DAMN......you're talking about "kiss closing" after knowing the girl for 4 YEARS??? Multiple dates you've had with her and you're talking about kiss closing.


Wow. If you're 18 or in your early 20's.....we'll let it slide. :crackup:

Now, we arranged a meeting on Tuesday. She said she has to postpone it until Wednesday. On Wednesday, she asked if I could give her a rain check. I asked why. No response.

It's actually quite funny for me since this is happening every year, and I'm being quite naive to think that something will change this time.

I wouldn't call it funny,more sad really...bordering on pathetic.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I could cut her off, but I would like to hear some alternatives.

You want alternatives to cutting her off. Well my question to you would be...What do you want from her? What...to date her,friends with benefits,her to be your girlfriend.....or what?


The answer to that question will determine the path you need to take,but realisticly....if you want anything serious with her,it's probably not gonna happen. If she saw any "boyfriend-ish" value in you,it wouldn't take her 4 years to form a relationship.


There does seem to be some attraction there on her part (possibly),but something somewhere seems "off".

Should I somehow confront her about not replying to my question or should I pretend nothing happened (I don't like this one)? Help me out, guys, I need some advice!

Naw...don't confront her about not answering your question about the raincheck,it won't serve any purpose.


Personally....I'd just move on. NOT "NO CONTACT",I mean MOVE ON to other girls. You said you'd like alternatives to that. When when you say EXACTLY what it is you want with her,then those alternatives can be given.

 

[backseatjuan]

Go totally afc on her, call 20 times a day, send emails with i luv us, beg for another date. Then flake and run. It be freaking awesome to go eat and slip away leaving her the bill.

 

[Iceberg]

I'm not sure how to handle this. I could cut her off, but I would like to hear some alternatives. Should I somehow confront her about not replying to my question or should I pretend nothing happened (I don't like this one)? Help me out, guys, I need some advice!

Come on, buddy.

Alternatives to cutting her off? It's been 4 years. What, do you think the 5th year will be the charm?

Just walk away. Jesus.

And confronting her is the LAST thing that will get you anywhere. She already thinks you're weak. If you confront her, you'd just be showing how badly she hurt your feelings.

 

[Who Dares Win]

I've never been rude to anyone asking for advices here but man you're beyond any help a mortal can give you if you are still willng to invest a dime in this girl.

I realize that when options are lacking a weak root is better than nothing to avoid drowning but still that root is gonna be broken in few seconds, in your case its actually broken.

This girl is poison, she is making you miserable while at the same time sucking energy out of you and denying yourself any improvement through it.
And as Iceberg told you, the last thing you need is "confront her", confronting her means that her behaviour affected you which is the best compliment you can do to a girl even if you
do it shouting and screaming, that would dry you out while pumping her up full of pride.

If you need help about how to drop her and manage yourself in the process we can help you, but just like a drug addict seeking help you first have to quit the poison.

 

[muscleman]

No contact is the only way in this situation. Most likely you've been an orbiter/attention fix all these years, basically validating her whenever she felt like it.

4 years and no sex and you think she's 'great'?? Come on man, look yourself in the mirror and be honest.

Stop talking to her. If she contacts you, wait a little bit (especially if you're always into responding immediately) and then tell her to come over to your place. It's put up or shut up time. If she agrees, have a couple drinks at your place and go for it. If she doesn't agree, you have your answer. If she agrees but flakes again, don't ever talk to her again.

Your time should be more valuable to you.

 

[SeekingForGreater]

Thank you for your replies. Even the harsh ones.

Sorry for not making it clear about those 4 years. We haven't been communicating all the time during those years. It's always been like few weeks - a month each year. Every time we would go on a few dates, have a great time, and yet would not start a more serious relationship. Then complete silence for basically the rest of the year.

I can't answer the question what I want from her yet, maybe a LTR, we'll see. All I know is I don't want to cut off all contact with her at the moment. I wanna give it another go and see what happens.

By the way, I'm not lacking options. I have a FB, and currently am dating another girl. It's just that I do like this one most, I enjoy spending time with her, not to mention how gorgeous she is.

Today we talked a bit. I simply told her that I didn't like what she did and that I'm not gonna put up with such behavior. Her response to flaking was that she's afraid of starting something with me and that she's never felt it before. Do you guys think it's a valid reason? Any advice on further actions?

 

[Kbomb]

Thank you for your replies. Even the harsh ones.

Sorry for not making it clear about those 4 years. We haven't been communicating all the time during those years. It's always been like few weeks - a month each year. Every time we would go on a few dates, have a great time, and yet would not start a more serious relationship. Then complete silence for basically the rest of the year.

I can't answer the question what I want from her yet, maybe a LTR, we'll see. All I know is I don't want to cut off all contact with her at the moment. I wanna give it another go and see what happens.

By the way, I'm not lacking options. I have a FB, and currently am dating another girl. It's just that I do like this one most, I enjoy spending time with her, not to mention how gorgeous she is.

Today we talked a bit. I simply told her that I didn't like what she did and that I'm not gonna put up with such behavior. Her response to flaking was that she's afraid of starting something with me and that she's never felt it before. Do you guys think it's a valid reason? Any advice on further actions?

If the whole point is to become an attractive DJ, then your missing the point. I think you just want to get the girl and therein lies your mistake. The girl is unimportant. You are the reason you're doing this.

 

[nismo-4]

This is an attention wh0re! Your princess is in another castle.

Case closed. Get out of my court.