Girl says she's either "Down To F" or Not Interested - puts me in the middle

[JimmyMack]

Here's what I thought to be an interesting situation and am curious to hear how it's interpreted by others:

I met this girl who is in the music biz with me and is super hot and talented with guys chasing her around everywhere. We're casual at first until one night at a party I move in on her and we spend the rest of the night making out. She tells me that she didn't see it coming like that at all and she wondered how I could be so bold when she thought I was really shy and reserved.

I end up taking her out on 2 dates where she tells me she never dates people in the biz and has no idea why she keeps finding herself wanting to hang with me, but that I'm a great kisser and keep surprising her more and more with how bold and forward I am when she thought otherwise.

Yesterday afternoon we're hanging out and end up in her bedroom when she starts saying this:

"Normally I'm completely down to fvck or I don't even bother with the person; I don't like to date and I don't like relationships. Except I have a lot of fun with you and you're making it really hard for me to be classy right now."

She goes on to say that she's conflicted because I'm right in the middle. She thinks I move fast and act like the guys she would like to fvck, yet I'm also nice like the guys she usually passes on. She says that I'm right in the middle and that she's never been in this position before and doesn't know what to do.

I play it cool and hardly say anything the whole time (I feel like my game in this situation has been solid) and there's a push pull between the escalation. Finally, I realize nothing is going to happen so I get up and we end up in the living room. I finish the rest of my beer and tell her that I need to get going. From her facial reaction she seemed pissed and said that she was sorry if she led me on - I replied with a smile and said "in which direction?" I kissed her again and then headed towards the door where she said "I'll see ya", blew me a kiss with an F you vibe and shut the door.

What do you guys make of this? Do you think she was conflicted because she actually liked the combo of dating and sexual attraction for the first time? Did she want to "keep it classy" because she liked me more than a DTF buddy and didn't want me to think of her as slvtty?

I feel like I played everything right but I'm curious about the end - was it the right move to leave once it was clear that things weren't going to get more physical? Or did I come off as AFC because I didn't get want I wanted? I didn't leave in a huff or upset though.

Curious to read the interpretations

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jimmy,
What a Prvick teaser,when all is said and done,your attraction level wasn't high enough,either that or she has a low drive....Either way I wouldn't waste time on her.

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

Actions, not words!

Yesterday afternoon we're hanging out and end up in her bedroom when she starts saying this:

"Normally I'm completely down to fvck or I don't even bother with the person; I don't like to date and I don't like relationships. Except I have a lot of fun with you and you're making it really hard for me to be classy right now."

You are both in her bedroom, she spouts out some crappy anti-slut defence, it doesn't sound like you escalated.

Finally, I realize nothing is going to happen so I get up and we end up in the living room. I finish the rest of my beer and tell her that I need to get going. From her facial reaction she seemed pissed and said that she was sorry if she led me on - I replied with a smile and said "in which direction?" I kissed her again and then headed towards the door where she said "I'll see ya", blew me a kiss with an F you vibe and shut the door.

You blew this chance I think. You shoulda escalated and took care of business. She was pissed that you didn't.

Do you think she was conflicted because she actually liked the combo of dating and sexual attraction for the first time? Did she want to "keep it classy" because she liked me more than a DTF buddy and didn't want me to think of her as slvtty?

You are over thinking! She wanted you to mount her like a lion!

I feel like I played everything right but I'm curious about the end - was it the right move to leave once it was clear that things weren't going to get more physical? Or did I come off as AFC because I didn't get want I wanted?

Imo you should have escalated more instead of leaving. Remember, actions not words, always. You don't 'hang out' in a girls bedroom!


I think you've probably blown this but maybe you have a small window of opportunity to save it.

I wouldn't bet on it tho.


More plates my friend.

 

[JimmyMack]

Hey guys, thanks for the input. I'm in the torn between whether or not her IL was high enough or if I didn't escalate hard enough. And agree that she could just be a major tease.

The thing is, I was pushing it pretty hard, and in my head I kept telling myself "actions, not words". To be honest, I don't know what else I could have done because she flat out kept saying "no". I would pull back and then try and escalate a little more but we'd end up at the same road block. Her shirt and/or jeans were just not coming off. I made the decision to leave when I did because it felt like I would have been there until the sun came up with no progress.

I agree that the fact I was in her room getting, somewhat close, was a good 'action' sign, but the dichotomy lies in her saying "Normally I'm DTF" and then a few minutes later "wow, you're moving really fast".

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

I hear what you're saying Jimmy.

You might just have been unlucky and she's mega weird, lol.

I'd just forget her and move on.

EDIT: Actually just had a quick thought, maybe she was on her period?

 

[Zarky]

You didn't close when you had the opportunity. That was her way of saying, "I'm up in the air, you decide." You decided, and left. She was pissed. End of story.

 

[gaspipe]

Boy Ive had that scenario played out several times in my lifetime.

She was acting indecisive as part of her overall antislut defense and was disappointed that you didnt play along in persuading her that it was ok for you to rail her.

There is a saying in some movie,I think Zorba the Greek, that goes something along these lines: "God will forgive man for many things, but never a man who denies a womans call to her bedroom".

 

[JimmyMack]

Haha, great quote.

Do you guys think this is salvageable?
I'm assuming the next move would be no move, unless she reaches out to me?

 

[scrouds]

Try it out and see. You have something to gain and nothing to lose if you try and see.

 

[vatoloco]

The thing is, I was pushing it pretty hard, and in my head I kept telling myself "actions, not words". To be honest, I don't know what else I could have done because she flat out kept saying "no".

I was gonna say that you didn't escalate properly to counter her ASD but if she actually said "No," then there's nothing you could have done. Personally I think you did well by leaving.

I'd try to get together with this girl one more time (without any mention of last time) and proceed as normal. If she blueballs you again, then she's just a Professional Cocktease, getting her kicks out of getting men all hot and bothered and not doing the deed.

 

[squirrels]

Amazing what women will do when faced with a decent man, isn't it?

She's not used to feeling sexual attraction for a "nice guy" and she's not used to feeling romantic attraction to a guy she wants to f**k.

You have to realize what it is she's saying when she says that to you. At this point...you've passed the test. She's gotten past the usual nonsense where she usually disqualifies a guy for either sex or romance...as most guys are good for one but not the other.

This leaves her in a very conflicted state...and women feed on this kind of drama. She starts thinking all of these weird thoughts like, "OMG, how is it I can have BOTH sets of feelings for a single guy?? I don't know WHAT to think of him...could he possibly be...THE ONE??"

When she says that she doesn't know what to think of you, that she's "conflicted"... it isn't her playing chick-games. It's her trying to decide if you really ARE everything you advertise yourself to be. Are you just playing her? Is she reading you wrong? Is she getting too carried away??

I don't blame you for leaving...but what you DO need to do is be sensitive to her. This is a female moment of vulnerability. She is pretty much admitting to you that she's catching feelings...and she is NOT comfortable with how fast it's happening. She's FINE with how fast you're moving, but she's NOT fine with how fast you've won her heart. At that time you have to give her space, for sure, to calm herself down. But you can't outright blow her off like some slvt, or she WILL be emotionally hurt and she WILL resent you for it.

Unless all you WANTED from her was some action...in that case, maybe it's better that you DO split. But if you're into this girl and want to see if something develops, you have to recognize that what you're doing is working...maybe even dial it BACK a little bit and let her catch her breath.

It's all in how you leave. I can't tell from your post whether you left with an attitude of, "OK, I had fun, until we meet again" or an attitude of, "thanks for wasting my time, you c*ck-tease".

Learn to recognize when she's vulnerable...and act accordingly.

 

[JimmyMack]

squirrels - yeah, I agree with your take on it. She admitted being conflicted and saying that she "read" me totally wrong and that I continued to surprise her which encouraged my in-the-moment, over-thinking of what was happening. I found myself in another unexpected moment with a great chick where part of me thinks 'wow, I really got it to this point'. Also, this is strangely the exact opposite of the crazy lawyer chick you guys helped me with last year haha.

I left very nonchalantly - it had been a long afternoon and I needed to let my dog out - but it was also apparent that I would've stayed longer if something else was going on. I think her attitude when I left might dictate what happens next. If she really is in a new emotional spot and realizes that I bailed after no sex, then she may be thinking "I totally had him wrong, everything's just a show and he just wanted to get laid. F'm."

This girl is pretty badass and I would like to keep something happening. She's super independent and I wouldn't be surprised if she's done with it now. However, I think vato has it right if we get together again and it's another stalemate.

You guys think I wait a few days or a week or so? She's going on tour sept 7th so after that she won't be around much. We haven't talked since this happened Saturday.

as always, great input guys!

 

[Burroughs]

Jimmy don't blame yourself too much.

Most likely she would have been absolutely great and filthy in bed..

BUT she set the controls and forced YOU to jump through hoops to get her. She's a control freak and would have had you wearing the leash and collar throughout the relationship.

Short term would have been a great fvck
Long term you dodged a bullet.

 

[scrouds]

You guys think I wait a few days or a week or so? She's going on tour sept 7th so after that she won't be around much. We haven't talked since this happened Saturday.

What's your gut say?

 

[CJ 101]

She's just a **** teaser, just keep her around as a friend and focus on gaming other chicks. That's all there is to it.

 

[JimmyMack]

Update

I just received a long text from her that basically said she gave me the "exact opposite impression" that she was trying to express to me. (I think this refers to her not being DTF but also not wanting to be done with me). I feel this is reinforced by the follow up that all she wanted to imply was that she "wasn't comfortable with how fast things were going physically." It ended with the "I think you should come over" line.

I think squirrels is right on this where she found herself really into me and doesn't know what to do. She could also be afraid that I'm going to do the ol' pump and dump.

I'm going to see her later this week, but definitely pull it back. Also spinning plates to keep it in perspective and will post another update.

 

[Mr.Positive]

I think squirrels is right on this where she found herself really into me and doesn't know what to do. She could also be afraid that I'm going to do the ol' pump and dump.

I'm going to see her later this week, but definitely pull it back. Also spinning plates to keep it in perspective and will post another update.

I'd give her one more chance personally, see her later in the week. If she pulls the same **** again, bail and don't look back.

I think you did right leaving when you did, Jimmy. When you see her next, she will show her true self.

Have the mindset of moving on to better things, let her prove you differently (if she can). Cheers!

 

[yuppaz]

I think she's just being honest with you in the way she understands it. Just be patient w/ her if you like her man. Sounds like she just doesn't know how to handle someone who fits the mold as the guy she would f*ck who is also the guy she would hang out with / date. Your in a good place, keep on being who you are and let the chips fall as they may.

BTW if you are in it for the pump and dump, don't do it bro it will probably really screw her up emotionally.

 

[Yo'Mama]

I think she's just being honest with you in the way she understands it. Just be patient w/ her if you like her man. Sounds like she just doesn't know how to handle someone who fits the mold as the guy she would f*ck who is also the guy she would hang out with / date. Your in a good place, keep on being who you are and let the chips fall as they may.

BTW if you are in it for the pump and dump, don't do it bro it will probably really screw her up emotionally.

Jesus, yes of course - make sure that above all else you are taking her feelings into account

 

[Jeffst1980]

You need to escalate in a way that doesn't make her feel like a slut. That means that things have to "just happen." If she tells you to come over, say you can only stay a little while so that she doesn't feel pressured to make up her mind about you. The more you bring up sex, the more she's gonna get freaked out and overthink things, so you need to just be playful and refuse to enter any frame she sets about "what she's thinking." Anytime you sense resistance, tell her that you probably should leave soon because you have to get up early tomorrow- watch her try to make you spend the night. It's a tricky thing, but as long as you don't get upset or frustrated, it'll happen eventually for you.