Girl is 29 going on 30

[Matt Rogers]

Im dating this girl who is 29 and going to be 30 in a month or so and seems to be freaking out about it. She's got nothing to worry about because she looks 25 at most and hasn't had any kids or anything to ruin her body which is very together. But clearly her age is an issue.

We had a couple of dates and the chemistry was electric and we had hot, passionate sex. Then she started to freak out a bit telling me on the next date that she had wasted so much of her life in bad relationships and was looking for a partner who she could enjoy the good things in life with: nice dinners, holidays etc. She then contradicted herself by saying she was happily single. She said she didn't think I was right for her or that she was right for me. She then started asking me awkward questions about what I was looking for.

I pretty much ignored her aside from saying it was way too soon to be wondering where this was going and suggesting she just tried to enjoy this.

She then insisted on getting tipsy and then we went back and had sex but the next morning she was moody.

I can understand her point of view. She'll start losing her looks soon and no doubt wants to snag Mr Right while she still can.

But equally we get on really well, have great chemistry, she's smart and intellectual like me, cultured and aside from wanting different things we are a pretty good match.

What is the best way of dealing with this?

Ultimately I know she will find it difficult to walk away so long as she still has feelings for me and is enjoying the sex. But I can foresee she's going to be having doubts and this will stop her letting go and enjoying herself and is going to make her hard work

Should I just ignore her objections and change the subject when she brings these things up?

Or is there a good way of making her think about these things differently and put off her plans of settling down or whatever the hell she wants?

 

[true romance]

Continue what you doing...

continue flirting, seduce and bang her like an animal..

do more things that you both enjoy.

also she may experience a nice fun BF such as you and she is confused..she had many Bad boy BF...

so keep going...just ignore or change subject..let's go see a new art gallery

let's see a foreign movie..

women always complain....

Good luck

 

[SoCalMike]

She's just emotional like every woman. I would ignore it and keep hitting it. Don't expect a LTR though since she has already said you aren't right for each other.

 

[jophil28]

She said she didn't think I was right for her or that she was right for me. She then started asking me awkward questions about what I was looking for.

At this point SHE was in control. She told you that you were NOT what she was looking for but YOU continued to hang around for the pvssy. She then conducted her "interview" by asking you what you were looking for so that she could hear something to use against you when the LJBF moment arrives.

There is another current thread here which describes a woman saying the same shyte to the OP about "..not clicking ". REad it.

IF a woman says "YOu are not the guy for me (or a variant )", then she is telling you that you will be replaced in a heartbeat if a BBD comes along, OR she is trying to manipulate you into fawning and grovelling in order to try to change her mind about you. She is placing herself as a Prize ... Either way she is in control of the frame and you are at her mercy if you do not DISMANTLE this "test" by walking away or switching the script..

She says , " I am a not sure that you are right for me "

You say, " Thats true. Lets be pals. Perhaps you can advise me about this hot chick in Accounting who asked me home for dinner/sent me a porn email. "

Then you drive her home in silence.

 

[J Roc]

I would never date a chick older than me

 

[Matt Rogers]

Re her age. Im not going to marry the girl. She is wordly, well educated, doesn't feel the need to party every night of the week, and a real woman. For me that is a nice change from the silly party girls I used to meet when I hit the bars. She also looks five years younger and is in fantastic shape. By the time her age starts to show I will be long gone.

Where her age might be an issue is she might not be up for a short term relationship. But I think that might be because she feels social pressure to settle down and is trying to be sensible and take a long term view. Maybe like a lot of girls she feels bad because her past relationships failed and does not want to make what she views as the same mistakes.

Ultimately you are right-this is her frame. Where I screwed up was to buy into it and try to convince her otherwise and justify myself to her. I would have done better to agree with her and walk away and quite probably she'd miss me and then convince herself that maybe she does want me and make up excuses to herself and find reasons why it is ok to see me.

I've been busy this week and not really been in touch with her and she has been texting me all the time and saying she hasn't heard from me and is everything ok and she misses talking to me.

I think that is good because if she is chasing me she can't be pushing me away.

 

[jophil28]

I've been busy this week and not really been in touch with her and she has been texting me all the time and saying she hasn't heard from me and is everything ok and she misses talking to me.

I think that is good because if she is chasing me she can't be pushing me away.

So where is the problem here ? She is chasing you, she obviously wants to get with you again for fun and profit, you hold the frame and you are now the prize. The script has been flipped...well done.

Are you stuck for a tip on your next move ?

 

[Matt Rogers]

Well yeah.

She is on holiday for a week. So I'm getting a bit of a break and getting some new numbers to play with. But Im figuring out how to play it when she comes back.

My idea so far is that when she tells me she is back I leave it a few days before asking her out. See if she asks me out or drops some hints about wondering when she is going to see me and if she doesn't ask her out myself.

Quite likely she is going to try and ask where this is going at some point. How do I respond to that?

Obviously if she suggests at any point in the future that she is not sure if we are right for each other, I walk away and wait for her to plead for me to come back.

I basically want to destroy this frame of hers and impose my frame which is having a good time and seeing how we feel months along the line.

 

[jophil28]

Well yeah.

Obviously if she suggests at any point in the future that she is not sure if we are right for each other, I walk away and wait for her to plead for me to come back.

I basically want to destroy this frame of hers and impose my frame which is having a good time and seeing how we feel months along the line.

You are working way too hard on this..dating is supposed to be 80% fun and less than 20 % tactics.

You are talking about planning your exit strategy and "destoying her frame" Geez this in not the invasion of Iran.
You cannot "destroy" her frame in any case- all you can do is have a stronger one which operates (for a while) as the dominant frame.
However these frame contests will never work in the long term because you and she are on a collision course . Your needs and hers are essentially incompatibile.

If I were you I would either date her until her needs become a huge bother to you OR tell her what you want out of the relationship and let HER decide to stay around or move on.

 

[classy broadside]

jophil seems to always have the right answers.

I will concur and add that she's tired of the party scene and her past relationships didn't last because she embraced the "happily single" mentality. No matter what you do in the future, including "imposing" your frame, she will cling to those values because it's where she began from. So despite her biological and social pressures, her actions toward you will always be influenced by her "happily single" mentality as well -- i.e. being independent, having "fun", spending your money, etc.

 

[Matt Rogers]

classy broadside, she likes to go out and drink but i wouldn't say she is a party girl. She has a very well paid job and is responsible. From what i gather she has been in relationships most of her adult life. She is four months out of a two year relationship but the guy is a total AFC and keeps calling her late at night begging her to come back so I think it was a case of her getting bored of him. The happily single comment might be a reflection of that.

jophil thanks, i have been overthinking this. I get the feeling she is going to keep making it difficult for me so I think I'll choose the second suggestion and just tell her what I want out of the relationship and see what she decides

 

[Matt Rogers]

Well she got back from holiday and we hung out. Again she asked me what I was looking for so I told her straight that I want to get to know her better before making any sort of commitment, but I was not against commitment per se.

She said so you want to date and wait and see? I agreed and she said that she did the same with her ex boyfriend, never planned the future, just dated and ended up spending three years with him only to change her mind and lose interest and it seemed like such a waste.

Incidentally she showed me some swimsuit photos her friend had taken of her on holiday and said she wanted me to have these so I'd never forget what she looked like (I mentioned on an earlier date that I have a terrible memory for faces). She really does have a good body so she is difficult to walk away from.

Later in our conversation she seemed keen to see me next week after Id got back from my weekend away and it was all good.

So I think really all I can do is enjoy the ride and not get my hopes up

 

[Matt Rogers]

Well we talked again with her again phoning from holiday.

She said she was talking to two guys from the dating website we met on and they wanted to meet her but she was not sure she wanted anyone right now and besides she already liked me a lot.

She said she already could see things in me she would want to change and did I think I would be able to change. I said I'd change for myself not for a girl so she is wasting her time if she thinks she can change me.

She also talked about her she'd always liked guys who are fun and crazy and how I was too serious and too good, and asked me if I thought she could make me crazier and more fun.

She then asked me if I thought it could work and said she was worried that because I was young and ambitious I'd outgrow her so quickly whereas she felt she had reached a plateau in terms of her life achievements.

I managed to change the subject and we were talking about holidays and travel and she said that she'd love to travel with me one day.

I dunno it seems like she wants me as a project and wants a long term relationship to mould me into her dream man. That goes against everything I believe in

Is this some sort of sick test or should I just dump her ass

 

[jophil28]

And don't ever let sex hook you into a relationship that's bad for you.

All you young guys might want to write this on your fridge.

 

[jophil28]

I dunno it seems like she wants me as a project and wants a long term relationship to mould me into her dream man.

That sentence sums up most women's thinking.

Western women hold a strong belief that it is a man's duty to marry her and devote himself to providing for her wishes, whims and desires ( in the old days we used to only talks about her NEEDS )
They really are convinced that it is a man's obligation to apply for this job, as his life's purpose, and it is her job to control his actions to the extent that he acts like a combination servant/ companion and junior employee.
SHe expect selfless devotion from him, BUT is only willing to provide conditional committment and involvement to him when it suits her. She occasionally offers sex grudgingly as a paycheck.
She then slices up her life like a cake and he gets one equal slice as do all her sisters, mother, co workers and assorted friends, both male and female .

IN your post above she is trying to "prize" herself by her attempt to create rivalry between you and the guys on the dating website ( this is a power move on her part ). I call this trick "self pedestalizing". SHe hopes that talking about other guys will trigger off desire and competitiveness in you and you will cahes her. Ifyou do, the frame is all her's.


*She is telling you that has has no problem with ''refurbishing" you into her ideal man in the future .You are in her plans to be remoulded and reshaped to her liking. At this stage she is testing your willingness to comply( another power move)
She is one of those woman who thinks that she is entitled to whatever she wants just because SHE wants it .

* Her comment about traveling with you could mean two things. Either she sees herself with you in the long haul and she wanted some feedback as to whether you will still be around in the future, or she is testing you to be her travel companion/ travel financier. Of course this would all take place after she pumps out two kids by you, plugs them into upscale daycare on your dollar , and recruits her extended family to raise them in her absence while you and she are flitting around Europe and she snaps pics of olde castles and you are dying of boredom..

You are too young (but naive enough) to step into the bear trap that she is setting for you.