Girl intruder - What I wanna know...

[POPtart]

Um, I stumbled on this site while searching for a definition of the word playette.. lol :wave:

I have a situation and I'd like to know from a guy's perspective what it sounds like I'm dealing with.

Met a guy (through mutual friends) that I had a great connection with, but we both agreed we don't wanna be in a relationship. I'm afraid and full of excuses and he just got out of a 5 year relationship. But! we still let the physical and emotional side develop. At one point I said, "hey, don't you think this is basically a relationship, which is the exact opposite of what we agreed on?", at which point he told me not to fall for him and that he only sees me as a friend. But he still treated me like before.

Because of this, I started being more careful with my feelings so as soon as I caught myself being too nice I pulled away and started being more playful and careless about things with him, but I noticed he started matching my behaviour... I chose to spend Valentine's with my girls and we had a really good night out, told him about it, then some dudes (that I don't want) popped up on Facebook with flirty comments and ever since, he became more distant. So I backed off because "the only thing a girl should chase is her vodka", and now he hasn't talked to me in about a week - and I come on here only to realize you guys seem to employ this "no contact" technique all the time! lol we also had an agreement in the beginning that if one of us would lose interest, to just tell the other person straight up.

So what am I dealing with here? And what's a way for a girl to respond to this.. I'm not gonna lie, I care, but I'm pretty good at playing it off like I don't.

Did he lose interest? If he's just playing the "no contact" thing, and I contact HIM, he's in a position of power, isn't he? But then, how do you guys view a girl once she does that? AND if I just play it cool like I didn't even notice he hasn't talked to me in a week, I don't want him to think it's ok to talk to me everyday and then ignore me for a week. I don't play that **** lol

 

[ARrocket]

Did he lose interest? If he's just playing the "no contact" thing, and I contact HIM, he's in a position of power, isn't he? But then, how do you guys view a girl once she does that? AND if I just play it cool like I didn't even notice he hasn't talked to me in a week, I don't want him to think it's ok to talk to me everyday and then ignore me for a week. I don't play that **** lol

You sound like a smart girl...wait is that an oxymoron?

If I don't contact a girl and she finally contacts me, I personally don't think any less/more of her, and mostly just view it as a win for myself, if that makes sense.

I think what's going on here is that you're both trying to protect your respective feelings, and this is what's happening. If you get too close to each other, you start caring. I think you might have scared him a bit with that "this feels like a relationship" thing, as it sounds like you're falling for him (at least to him it might have).

The type of thing you're trying to achieve here seems impossible unless the two of you truly are emotionally unattached. The only way to have that is to make him one of many, and for him to do the same (ie "spin more plates," as we like to say on this site).

So if I were you, I'd call him up this time, but also keep yourself involved with other people/things. He only has the power if you let him. You can call him to show you actually care (and by that I mean still wanna see him) without being needy. If he keeps it up, just wait for him to make the move next time.

 

[POPtart]

The type of thing you're trying to achieve here seems impossible unless the two of you truly are emotionally unattached. The only way to have that is to make him one of many, and for him to do the same (ie "spin more plates," as we like to say on this site).

So if I were you, I'd call him up this time, but also keep yourself involved with other people/things. He only has the power if you let him. You can call him to show you actually care (and by that I mean still wanna see him) without being needy. If he keeps it up, just wait for him to make the move next time.

Thank you - what you said was very useful.

 

[Masculinity]

double post

 

[Masculinity]

You sound like a smart girl...wait is that an oxymoron?

If I don't contact a girl and she finally contacts me, I personally don't think any less/more of her, and mostly just view it as a win for myself, if that makes sense.

I think what's going on here is that you're both trying to protect your respective feelings, and this is what's happening. If you get too close to each other, you start caring. I think you might have scared him a bit with that "this feels like a relationship" thing, as it sounds like you're falling for him (at least to him it might have).

The type of thing you're trying to achieve here seems impossible unless the two of you truly are emotionally unattached. The only way to have that is to make him one of many, and for him to do the same (ie "spin more plates," as we like to say on this site).

So if I were you, I'd call him up this time, but also keep yourself involved with other people/things. He only has the power if you let him. You can call him to show you actually care (and by that I mean still wanna see him) without being needy. If he keeps it up, just wait for him to make the move next time.

ARocket, are you seriously telling a girl to spin more plates?

Just a heads up to the Toronto girl: girls who spin plates are called SLVTS and most men (except the really needy I-can't-get-anything-better kinds) don't want a girl like this.

"the only thing a girl should chase is her vodka"

This is not true. This is why women end up always being so dramatic. What's the big problem with letting a guy you like know you're interested?
Your vagina is not gonna get lose from it, I swear!

You guys criticize the male ego so much and you do it 10 times worse. You guys don't even understand yourselves and you're coming to forum to ask men to understand yourself? Ohhh...boy, no. At least we make sense. You say no to the guy and then you cry your eyeballs out and eating cartons of ice cream by yourself when he leaves. Cut the crap and let him know you're interested and take back what you said.

If you want to be taken seriously sometime during your life, I suggest you stop playing these little school-girl games and act like an emerging adult.

So what am I dealing with here? And what's a way for a girl to respond to this.. I'm not gonna lie, I care, but I'm pretty good at playing it off like I don't.

If you care then go for it. Do you plan on EVER caring about anyone? Some people don't and that's ok. Your feelings will be safe and you won't "get hurt" ,but in that case you may want to consider getting 37 cats and a vibrator cause you're gonna be looonely. When you get involved emotionally you are at risk, and that's ok. We all take that risk. Life is all about risks and if you don't even take a chance, then you won't ever be truly happy.

I don't play that **** lol

This is not true either. Look at what you wrote up here ^^^ and then see how you contradict yourself. If you really didn't play it, then you wouldn't be here and you'd be somewhere fun with the guy you like.

Instead, you're researching the word playette online. Well playette is a woman who gets around many men without getting emotionally involved.
Umm..that sounds like someone who posted on this thread. Think about it and know what you're doing; I'm not going to call you out.

 

[POPtart]

When he said spin more plates I just took it as maintain your balance sorta thing - either talk to more than one guy (not necessarily have sex), or do things that interest me and make me happy, like writing, photography blah blah blah.

I was just curious about that word simply because I feel I give off that vibe, but I actually only talk to one guy at a time, which gets me in trouble most times - I have a tendency to accomodate the guy too much and once he feels he has me, he takes advantage or loses interest depending on what kinda guy he is. So noticing this pattern in myself, I decided to go against some behaviours (like being too accomodating) and put myself first. This is when things changed with him. In the beginning I was sure about where I stood in his eyes, now I'm not so sure anymore, so that explains why I'm here I guess. I was planning on being single for a while, but this guy showed up and it happened without any of us wanting to catch feelings for the other.


BUT! If you guys play these games (or ok let's just say you have strategies, because a game implies being too manipulative).. why can't the girl have a strategy too? Ideally, I would love it if both sexes would just maintain open communication and complete honesty, but given our nature, it rarely works out like that. I don't know why..

 

[Credos]

WTF ARocket?! Are you seriously telling a girl to spin more plates?

This is such a betrayal. Just a heads up to the Toronto girl: girls who spin plates are called SLVTS and most men (except the really needy I-can't-get-anything-better kinds) don't want a girl like this.




This is bullsh!t. This is why women end up always being so dramatic. What the heck is the problem with letting a guy you like know you're interested? Your vagina is not gonna get lose from it, I swear!

You guys criticize the male ego so much and you do it 10 times worse. You guys don't even understand yourselves and you're coming to forum to ask men to understand yourself? Ohhh...boy, no. At least we make sense. You say no to the guy and then you cry your eyeballs out and eating cartons of ice cream by yourself when he leaves. Cut the crap and let him know you're interested and take back what you said.

If you want to be taken seriously sometime during your life, I suggest you stop playing these little school-girl games and act like an emerging adult.





If you care then go for it. Do you plan on EVER caring about anyone? Some people don't and that's ok. Your feelings will be safe and you won't "get hurt" ,but in that case you may want to consider getting 37 cats and a vibrator cause you're gonna be LOOONELY. When you get involved emotionally you are at risk, and that's ok. We all take that risk. Life is all about risks and if you don't even take a chance you won't ever be truly happy.




Bullsh!t again! Look at what you wrote up here ^^^ and then see how you contradict yourself. If you really didn't play it, then you wouldn't be here and you'd be somewhere fun with the guy you like.

Instead, you're researching the word playette online. Well playette is a woman who gets around many men without getting emotionally involved.
Umm..that sounds like someone who posted on this thread. Think about it and know what you're doing; I'm not going to call you out.

Didn't read this because the first words I read were already bullsh*t and the last were aswell.

A slut is a girl who cheats. If you're not in a relationship you don't have to be loyal to each other, same goes for both parties... So far I think she has so that only makes her a good girl . Even if she wasen't loyal so far she still wouldn't have done anything wrong... Stop telling women what they can and can't do while you "should" be allowed to do the same stuff. Only spoiled b*tches think that way

@POPtart
I agree you should spin more plates... You both don't want a relationship and both don't want to get hurt. In these kind of situations communication is really important. Ignoring each other like babies is just going to start a conflict between you both... You're friends, stop acting like kids. Talk to him and ask him what's up. If you're starting to get feelings for him but you don't want a relationship break it up and leave each other as friends.

Don't start making each other jealous or any other childish stuff... Talk things out and start meeting new people if one of you feels you gotta break up. If you don't break up but you want to supress your feelings for him: meet more people, you don't have to have sex with them if you don't want to, just know that there are other people who you can like and that like you .

 

[POPtart]

@POPtart
I agree you should spin more plates... You both don't want a relationship and both don't want to get hurt. In these kind of situations communication is really important. Ignoring each other like babies is just going to start a conflict between you both... You're friends, stop acting like kids. Talk to him and ask him what's up. If you're starting to get feelings for him but you don't want a relationship break it up and leave each other as friends.

Don't start making each other jealous or any other childish stuff... Talk things out and start meeting new people if you one of you feel you gotta break up. If you don't break up but you want to supress your feelings for him: meet more people, you don't have to have sex with them if you don't want to, just know that there are other people who you can like and that like you .

Credos, my respect to you, man.

 

[Masculinity]

A slut is a girl who gets around a lot. If a girl is not having sex or things on that road with a bunch of guys then she isn't a slvt.

Ultimately, you make your own decisions. If you feel this guy is someone with whom you'd like to spend your time while putting yourself first, then go ahead.

If on the other hand, you want to keep your distance and not get involved with anyone then you can do that too. He probably pulled away thinking you were "spinning other plates" when guys commented your Facebook profile.

Think about it though, if you'd probably do the same if you were seeing a guy you liked and he had comments from other women on his profile. It just gives off that I'm-being-used and I-don't-mean-much-to-that-person feels; it is completely normal.

Regardless of what you do, don't play games. Stay if you want to stay and move it forward or cut it short if you don't want to develop feelings. Best of luck!