Girl I'm dating is grieving - to comfort her or stay away?

[Jariel]

Just a quick question. I have to confess to having white knight tendencies in the past and they've always backfired and left me with regret.

So I've started seeing a girl the past month. She's pretty awesome to be fair, we have such a laugh when we're together and things are very hot and passionate. Well, yesterday her step mother passed away and from what she's saying it's hit her real hard.

We were due to meet the weekend, but she asked me to go round her place last night. My white knight instincts kicked in and I was about to go rushing round there, but then I held back and decided I need to start doing things different than I've done in the past. I told her I was out and couldn't make it that night. She didn't reply, but I text the next day to check she's ok.

So what would you guys do in these circumstances? Is it best to give her space and avoid her while she's grieving or should I be there to comfort her and offer to be there if she needs to talk?

I don't want to be cold and dismissive of what she's going through, but I don't want to be the "nice guy" either.

 

[inkedDJ]

Its simple. Just go over and hold her. You don't need to run your mouth trying to console her. Be the strong man she can cry on, but not the one that is telling her it will be alright.

Staying away is really a stupid idea. It's not about being cold to a girl. If you ignore her you are missing a huge opportunity. As always its not the situation but how you handle yourself in front of her.

 

[Tictac]

Do what you'd do for one of your buds in the same situation.

Don't treat her like a guy. Just don't go all white knight.

If you can't manage that. Tell her that's 'your're there for her'.

 

[om1xr]

This is really simple. you just have to keep your mouth shut as much as possible and let her dive in her emotional roller-coaster.
do as Tictac said; tell her that "you are there for her". but just don't overdo it by trying to solve her problems because that will make you lose your frame and become an emotional wimp instead of a real man who know what to do in bad situations.

 

[RedScorpion]

I think it's a good opportunity to show her that she can come to you, to be her emotional rock in this sudden storm. I do think that by putting the offer of support, without pressure, will make her glow a bit inside (later when she's more herself) whether she takes it up or not. If she doesn't, or says no (along those lines), that's alright. Not the typical situation of 'rejection' (people sometimes don't like to share their grief). If she does, just like the other guys have said - let her do the talking, don't get emotional as well. Show simple sympathy, understanding. But as a response to her opening. I'm picturing mostly quiet, listening.

I've seen people (in general) get a bit miffed if others start telling them what they should feel, positives to look for, future etc. Such as "I know they are trying to be supportive, but they don't know what's going on at all. I don't want to feel 'positive' right now". So maybe caution about any direction towards that.

 

[Lord_Elpus]

What inkedDJ and Tictac wrote- without question.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Hey there - I was inspired by this post to answer your question via a podcast! Take a listen, hopefully it will help you out

 

[Jariel]

It helps to get an objective perspective on this as I don't want to fall back to my white knight habits nor do I want to go to the other extreme and disappear until she's in a better mood.

Thanks guys!

 

[Induced Drag]

I'm going through something similar right now. One of my girl's dad is dealing with surgery and cancer treatments right now. His prognosis is poor. I had the exact same thoughts as you. I even asked the same question as you on the forum. I decided to dial down the game and be there for her if she needed me. I'm the rock in her storm and it's amazing how she's opened up to me.
I essentially did what Tictac recommended. I let her come to me and I listened to her without trying to fix anything for her.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks guys. It's natural for me to offer comfort and support to anyone when they're going through bereavement and to be fair I have been there if she's texted me and I did offer to go round since if she wanted company.

However, today it looks like she's either deleted the messenger we use or she's blocked me. I figure this means she needs space and maybe I'm best just checking up on her after the weekend. What do you think?

 

[Don-Kong]

If you try to 'Rescue' her, it disempowers her.
Comfort, compassion and empathy can be shown from a distance.

When people are grieving, let them know you are for them, then step away. Emotions will be all over the place. Family members and friends will be all over it. No need to complicate it.

Also, you don't want to blur the lines. She may already be defensive with you in the early stages anyway, so this may be tenfold during stressful times. Besides, it gives her time to think about having some fun with you later on down the line. Patience.

 

[Huffman]

However, today it looks like she's either deleted the messenger we use or she's blocked me. I figure this means she needs space and maybe I'm best just checking up on her after the weekend. What do you think?

OR it means she's kinda disappointed since you bailed when she needed someone to be there for her. Basically you laid down a power move and refused when she wanted to see you. Not saying you did wrong, depends on where you two were headed. If you're not serious about her that's ok. But if you were going to have a LTR I guess you'd want to build trust...


Anyway I did the same to a girl, saw her twice and then her gramma died. Didn't really know what to say and distanced myself a bit. Her (and my) interest had been medium at best though. Was wondering about the same thing.

 

[Jariel]

To be fair, I did show understanding and I didn't refuse to see her or act cold. When she asked if I wanted to come over I told her I was with some mates so it was difficult that night.

To be honest, I'm not really close enough with her to send her a card (we've had only 2 dates and hung out at hers a couple of nights) and things are still new, so I don't want to seem overbearing or assume a supportive boyfriend role at this point.

We have text back and forth since it happened and I let her know I understand what she's going through and been supportive. It's just today she's disappeared from the messenger and so I figure she's not in the mood to chat to anyone, or to chat to me in particular, for whatever reason.


Edit: She's just got in touch. She's just deleted the messenger for a while as she's not in the mood to chat to certain people apparently.