Girl I'm dating has abandonment issues

[bacchus]

I would simply email her and tell her this......you write this so that way she can't whine and cry like she could if you did it over the phone.


Hi xxxxx,
After your most recent text message it got me thinking about you, me, and us. I really like you, like hanging out with you, and I appreciate our time together. I have also tried to be as understanding and considerate of your past relationship trust issues as I can and would like nothing better than for you to get past all of that so that we can move on to something that I feel could be great.

But at the same time. I am not a psychologist. I am not a therapist. I am not one of your girlfriends. I do have my limits as far as what I am able to tolerate while in a relationship. And I am a guy who has needs and wants while being in said relationship. It seems as if you are either unsure or unable to fulfill those needs right now, for whatever reasons. I don't blame you. I am not upset with you. It just is. So I am taking the step of calling things off for now with you. If/when you feel as though you are 100% able to commit to us, let me know and as long as I am not involved with anyone else and my feelings for you are still the same, I would be very happy resuming where we left off, but with an even better jumping in point for us to take things to an even more wonderful level.

Take care,
Bacchus

First off, you are the man for taking the time to write this out. So is everyone else that has commented. This is one of the few places out there where anyone gives a **** about another man's problems.

If I send her a version of this email, do you foresee hardcore hovering on her part? And (false?) promises of change? I'm not sure that she'd just take it lying down, shrug her shoulders, and walk away. She might very well have lowish interest in me at the moment, but from my understanding of it, chicks with abandonment issues don't like it much when it's someone else doing the leaving!

To be honest, after what I've read about BPD/abandonment, I suspect she might read this, show up at my door, and demand to fvck!

 

[cordoncordon]

First off, you are the man for taking the time to write this out. So is everyone else that has commented. This is one of the few places out there where anyone gives a **** about another man's problems.

If I send her a version of this email, do you foresee hardcore hovering on her part? And (false?) promises of change? I'm not sure that she'd just take it lying down, shrug her shoulders, and walk away. She might very well have lowish interest in me at the moment, but from my understanding of it, chicks with abandonment issues don't like it much when it's someone else doing the leaving!

To be honest, after what I've read about BPD/abandonment, I suspect she might read this, show up at my door, and demand to fvck!

It is going to be up to you to decide if she is sincere or not. Since none of us know her it is hard for us to tell just going by what we read. If she does say she will change and do things the right way, I would not take her back 100% right away. Tell her the relationship is on sort of a "probation period" where you can see for yourself if things are going to be better for a period of time. Then after a month or so, reevaluate.

And if she doesn't say she will change? Then you saved yourself a lot of time, stress, and aggravation with this girl and you can find and be with someone who returns your efforts in kind.

 

[bacchus]

Update:

So I haven't taken any action yet, but this morning, at 1am on Facebook, she posted the following on her wall, for all (including our mutual friends that know we are seeing each other) to see:

"One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else."

This guy that I had already suspected has been after her, and that I've suspected she considers a prospect (he is currently oversees doing peacekeeping for six more months before he will return home) posted this, clearly referring to himself when he speaks of the "other person":

"Life is timing. And meeting That person has more to do with yourself being that amazing person that you are and the other being the person you never thought could/would bring more but somehow made you an even better person!!! And to that little lady I know the stars have a beautiful story written for you "

Do I just let this slide and act as though it didn't happen?

 

[betheman]

Update:

So I haven't taken any action yet, but this morning, at 1am on Facebook, she posted the following on her wall, for all (including our mutual friends that know we are seeing each other) to see:

"One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else."

This guy that I had already suspected has been after her and that I've suspected she considers a prospect (he is currently oversees doing peacekeeping for six more months before he will return home) posted this:

"Life is timing. And meeting That person has more to do with yourself being that amazing person that you are and the other being the person you never thought could/would bring more but somehow made you an even better person!!! And to that little lady I know the stars have a beautiful story written for you "

Do I just let this slide and act as though it didn't happen?

its BS man, it gets posted a lot on FB, usually a female who ahs just broken up and is ready to ride the next ****, which she seems to have lined up!
yu could put some smart ass comment about some peoples lives being like a revolving door at wallmart but Im sure it wouldnt go donw to well

 

[bacchus]

its BS man, it gets posted a lot on FB, usually a female who ahs just broken up and is ready to ride the next ****, which she seems to have lined up!
yu could put some smart ass comment about some peoples lives being like a revolving door at wallmart but Im sure it wouldnt go donw to well

We haven't broken up!!

 

[betheman]

We haven't broken up!!

maybe not but it looks like the ground is being prepared to me

 

[scrouds]

We haven't broken up!!

Might as well just rip the bandaid off now and move on.

 

[Die Hard]

So I haven't taken any action yet

Do I just let this slide and act as though it didn't happen?

Why do you keep asking questions about what to do, IF YOU ARE NOT GONNA TAKE ANY ACTION ANYWAY?!?!?!

Haven't you read enough on SoSuave? Bytches like men who act like MEN, men who act BOLD instead of acting AFRAID, men who TAKE CONTROL.

You are doing the exact opposite. You are so afraid to lose this girl, so afraid to make the wrong move, so afraid to fvck up... You don't know what to do, you are helpless and paralyzed by fear.

It's like you're traveling on a plane and get invited to take a look inside the ****pit. Then the pilot suddenly gets a heart attack and it's up to you to fly the plane. You take a look at the instrument panel and the multitude of controls and you're like "HELP! I am not supposed to be here, I'm not supposed to fly a plane, I don't know what to do!" So you just do nothing...

Your reaction is very understandable and recognizable, we've all been in that situation with girls. You need to pull yourself together, man. Stop asking all of those questions, stop trying to figure out what to do... None of it will work anyway, coz the state of mind you are in now, will certainly cause to you make a half ass attempt at whatever you do.

Let everything go for now. Only just focus on pulling yourself together and finding the right MINDSET, instead of the right ACTION. Coz when you find the right mindset, the right actions will come to you automatically.

What is the right mindset? Well, basically it comes down to this: YOU are the centre of the universe!

And that's what everything stems from. You were put on this planet to be happy and your life is your own, you can manage it and give shape to it in any way you want, to make you happy.

You control your life! You evaluate and manipulate all the various elements in your life, in order to make you happy.
You are the painter, your life is the painting, and everything in the world: people, objects, places, events...they are all like different colors of paint that you can choose to use for your painting.

YOU are the painter. SHE is merely a color of paint that you use to make your painting.

Ask yourself, is that the attitude you're operating from in this relationship? In this particular this situation?



Well, I don't think so, bacchus...

You're just sitting there like some weak, passive sheep. You do nothing, you just watch her Facebook, looking for signs that might indicate whether she will want to be with you or whether she is gonna leave you. Like a victim being strapped onto a table, watching in fear for signs whether the person who strapped him there is gonna put a knife into his heart orwhether he is gonna set him free.

Why the hell are you asking US whether you should let the Facebook posts slide and act as though it didn't happen?!
Do you not have any sense of self left? Do you not have an opinion of your own? Why do you not just connect to YOURSELF and respond to that facebook stuff the way you WANT?!

See, it's all about her, her, her... Clearly, when you have to make a decision, you don't operate from within yourself, you don't operate from your own perspective. You operate from HER perspective, instead! FEAR is ruling your actions, you are weighing your actions and it seem you are looking to make the decision that will please HER the most.

Clearly, you are not the painter. SHE is the painter, and you are just an almost empty tube of paint, lying there, DESPERATELY hoping that she will pick you up to use on HER painting.

Change your attitude, man. Be a MAN! Go and download a real MAN movie, watch it and get in touch with your manly side. I recommend 'Predator' (the first one, with Schwarzenegger), '300', or one of those Clint Eastwood westerns. The MEN in those movies would laugh at you and the problem you're having with your girl...

Change your attitude first, the right actions will come to you naturally after that.

 

[bacchus]

She is playing mind games with you bud, clear to see.

She wants YOU to be patient, then posts this crap on FB to get you riled up, right?
Still think she would make a great partner?


I don't know....I think I would simply delete her from FB, so she can't use it to manipulate you, then move on with your life. If she is interested, she will get ahold of you.

Update:

So this morning, when I went to check her facebook page again, I couldn't... I had been deleted! So I thought **** it, might as well throw the first strike, and I went ahead and sent her a similar version of cordoncordon's breakup letter via email. She then sent me texts telling me how much I hurt her, and to do it by email and while she was at work made it even worse. Then she went on to say that she did not meant to delete me from facebook, that she was simply playing with her privacy setting and accidentally deleted me along with a number of her other friends. She said "honestly (bacchus), my aunt and a couple of my other friends also messaged me about being deleted this morning. It was an accident."

In reference to the message she wrote about "One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else", she texted me that I "reacted way too rediculously instead of, just maybe, seeing that as something positive for the only person I'm talking to! see.. this part pisses me off... instead of talking like you used to, you became a coward who assumed and had to send a "break up" email... while i'm working.... niiiice"."

Pretty likely that she is bull****ting me and backtracking. Just figured I'd keep you guys posted on the story...

 

[Die Hard]

Yaketee-yak... She's now gonna play the victim and act like you are the big bad wolf who hurt the sweet, innocent girl.

Do not give into that game. She's trying to get you to admit that you feel sorry for hurting her. And I'm pretty sure a part of you does, doesn't it? Part of you feels like: "I don't want this! I don't want to hurt her! I just want us to be sweet and loving to each other!"

Well, do not give into it, man! Once you give into that feeling and try to make things up to her, she will have you exactly where she wants and EAT YOU ALIVE!

Do the opposite, rub it in... She tells you you hurt her, right? Respond by telling her she brought it on herself and that she has no one else to blame but HERSELF. Remain stoic and don't show any hesitation in sending this message. Put the responsibility for this whole situation COMPLETELY with her and do not even let her put an INCH of the blame onto you. Do it with conviction, don't show any weakness.

And don't debate with her! All this bullsh!t about her "accidentally" deleting you etc. You do not respond to that! It's just a way for her to see how much she can manipulate you. If you show her that you are doubting whether perhaps she really DID do it by accident and therefor perhaps you DID respond harshly over the "assumption" that she deleted you on purpose....then that gives her all the info she needs. It tells her she can fvck with yourmind and make you doubt yourself. And once she has that confirmed, she is gonna amp up her games even more and you'll NEVER EVER get the frame back under your control.

So you do not even respond to her when she keeps trying to get you into a discussion over that stuff. You just tell her you're sick of her drama and that you feel your life will be better without some drama queen being a part of it. She'll try to draw you into all kinds of discussions and debates, try to shift the blame onto you etc. etc. blah blah blah. But you don't respond to that, you just give her your message and then ignore her. She either submits to your frame, or she can go fvck herself.

 

[Jitterbug]

Don't get sucked into the drama. Just go no contact.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

I would simply email her and tell her this......you write this so that way she can't whine and cry like she could if you did it over the phone.


Hi xxxxx,
After your most recent text message it got me thinking about you, me, and us. I really like you, like hanging out with you, and I appreciate our time together. I have also tried to be as understanding and considerate of your past relationship trust issues as I can and would like nothing better than for you to get past all of that so that we can move on to something that I feel could be great.

But at the same time. I am not a psychologist. I am not a therapist. I am not one of your girlfriends. I do have my limits as far as what I am able to tolerate while in a relationship. And I am a guy who has needs and wants while being in said relationship. It seems as if you are either unsure or unable to fulfill those needs right now, for whatever reasons. I don't blame you. I am not upset with you. It just is. So I am taking the step of calling things off for now with you. If/when you feel as though you are 100% able to commit to us, let me know and as long as I am not involved with anyone else and my feelings for you are still the same, I would be very happy resuming where we left off, but with an even better jumping in point for us to take things to an even more wonderful level.

Take care,
Bacchus

I would delete the part in RED above.

 

[bacchus]

Jesus Christ. I am such a fvcking AFC. She called again, and I did EXACTLY what Die Hard said not to do, almost verbatim lol. Then I read his post and wanted to b1tch slap myself.

Sad thing is, I used to be awesome with women, an alpha in every sense of the word, about 8 years ago when I was last single. 25 year old Bacchus would have literally taken 32 year old Bacchus to school with women. Even worse is I know, in theory, exactly what I SHOULD be doing, yet I don't implement it.

Now that I'm recently out of a 7 year relationship it's almost like I'm at square one! Very frustrating. I want to get back to being the Bacchus of old that would bang HB9s, and not bother to get her number because I knew there'd be another around the corner...

Take my regression as a lesson! To all the Don Juans out there that get into relationships... don't get complacent and let your game get rusty! You never know what's around the corner...

 

[cordoncordon]

Brah you sent the email, she did her whining and playing the victim as we all knew she would, so from here on out, just ignore the beotch. Relationships do not have to be this hard. She obviously has some very iffy feelings for you otherwise this stuff would not be happening.

Anyway, you stated how you felt. She knows this. So walk away. And if by some miracle she comes crawling, wanting you back? Then reevaluate. But at least now you can be clear of mind and stop worrying about this. That is, unless you went all pvssy and gave in when you talked to her earlier. In which case you might as well just take a knife, castrate yourself, and hand your balls over to her.

 

[bacchus]

A complicating factor is we have a mutual female friend who hooked us up, who I really respect. I know that when my now-ex has a girl gab session to talk about what happened between us, she is going to paint me as being an insensitive a$$hole by focusing on the fact that I broke up with her 1) via email rather than in person and 2) that I sent said email to her while she was at work. I'm sure she will leave out everything that led up to my decision to make me look like the bad guy.

That being said, if not for the advise of you guys, I would probably still be scrambling to try to make things work with her. I'll be honest and say that part of me is waiting in hopeful anticipation for a hoover attempt, but a stronger part of me is thinking I dodged a huge fvcking bullet.

 

[cordoncordon]

A complicating factor is we have a mutual female friend who hooked us up, who I really respect. I know that when my now-ex has a girl gab session to talk about what happened between us, she is going to paint me as being an insensitive a$$hole by focusing on the fact that I broke up with her 1) via email rather than in person and 2) that I sent said email to her while she was at work. I'm sure she will leave out everything that led up to my decision to make me look like the bad guy.

You shouldn't care.

Obviously when she got the email her response wasn't "hey, ya know, I have been acting kinda shady to you lately. I'm sorry and what can I do to fix this?"

No, her response was to blame you for misreading things (which I don't believe) so that way she can come off looking like the good girl. She didn't fight for you, she accepted this because she wanted this breakup.

Believe me, you came out lucky here. Many guys would have put up with this crap for another year or so.

 

[bacchus]

Another update:

She sent a Facebook message to 3 of our mutual friends, including a married couple who are friends of mine and who she has only met once, stating:

"Just wanted to let you guys know that [Bacchus] broke up with me by email. I hope this doesn't impact on our friendship"

We are still no longer facebook friends, but I am able to view her profile picture... the day after I was "accidentally" deleted and subsequently broke things off with her, she changed her profile photo to probably the sexiest picture of her I have ever seen. Probably a few years old from her modelling days. She looks like a 10. She has also been commenting heavily on other people's postings and is getting all kinds of compliments about how sexy she is. Trying not to let it get to me but it's hard. It's also hard to keep myself from viewing her pic.

It hurts me how she is rewriting history to paint me as the bad guy, and how so many people will bite and believe her. On the surface, everyone will still see her as the sweetest, most beautiful starstruck girl in the world who just hasn't met a decent guy yet. All she will focus on is the fact that I am "just like all the others" by giving up on her, how I emailed her to break up with her because I am an insensitive jerk etc and was too much of a coward to do it in person. I'm sure she will leave out the part about impulsively deleting me from facebook, which led to me breaking up with her immediately afterwards, and then lying to me about deleting me by concocting a story about it being a technical glitch and how I acted rashly and made a dumb assumption.

I guess I dodged a bullet, but man does it hurt. And part of me can't stop thinking that the problem is with me, and that the next guy she ends up with will know how to handle her and keep her insecurities at bay and get to enjoy her. Because when she is good, she is the best I ever had.

 

[cordoncordon]

Another update:

She sent a Facebook message to 3 of our mutual friends, including a married couple who are friends of mine and who she has only met once, stating:

"Just wanted to let you guys know that [Bacchus] broke up with me by email. I hope this doesn't impact on our friendship"

We are still no longer facebook friends, but I am able to view her profile picture... the day after I was "accidentally" deleted and subsequently broke things off with her, she changed her profile photo to probably the sexiest picture of her I have ever seen. Probably a few years old from her modelling days. She looks like a 10. She has also been commenting heavily on other people's postings and is getting all kinds of compliments about how sexy she is. Trying not to let it get to me but it's hard. It's also hard to keep myself from viewing her pic.

It hurts me how she is rewriting history to paint me as the bad guy, and how so many people will bite and believe her. On the surface, everyone will still see her as the sweetest, most beautiful starstruck girl in the world who just hasn't met a decent guy yet. All she will focus on is the fact that I am "just like all the others" by giving up on her, how I emailed her to break up with her because I am an insensitive jerk etc and was too much of a coward to do it in person. I'm sure she will leave out the part about impulsively deleting me from facebook, which led to me breaking up with her immediately afterwards, and then lying to me about deleting me by concocting a story about it being a technical glitch and how I acted rashly and made a dumb assumption.

I guess I dodged a bullet, but man does it hurt. And part of me can't stop thinking that the problem is with me, and that the next guy she ends up with will know how to handle her and keep her insecurities at bay and get to enjoy her. Because when she is good, she is the best I ever had.

Awwwwwwww.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwYlhrfQHDQ

Now, when you are done feeling sorry for yourself and facebook stalking her, get out there and find someone who will respect you and your relationship as much as you respect her. She was wasting your time. And believe me, you breaking up with her? Is giving you mucho respect in her eyes, no matter what she says publicly. Deep down she is getting all wet and titilated over it.

 

[origin138]

I like how she throws out "by email" so as to incite a slew of "what a dbag" responses from your mutual friends. Typical.

Glad you dumped her, you made the right choice, do not doubt that. Her behavior was/is very problematic. Move on and stop remembering the "good times".

 

[bacchus]

So I've been no contact since Thursday. I was always good to this girl (likely why her interest level dropped so quickly). Seems like I have become demonized solely because I beat her to the punch with the breakup. Last night I got the following text (in reference to a lingere pic and a couple swimsuit modelling pics she sent me):

Her:
"I just thought about this... and I really hope, if you havent already.... that you would please erase any msg (pics) that were texted between us... thank you (I know you had some msgs from before me... that u wouldnt have wanted me to see... so please have respect for me and delete".

The replies are as follows:

Me (right after receiving her message):
"Already done. Hope you're well."

Her:
"Cool...thanks"

Me:
"No worries"

Me (the next morning, after waking up pissed off):
"By the way, last night's message - unnecessary and a little offensive coming from someone I care about. We both know I've always only treated you with respect and decency. You know me better than that and what kind of guy I am..."

Her:
"Shouldn't be offensive... you had to "think of you"... so do I"

Her again:
"I don't want someone going through your phone... that's all I meant... stop taking things the wrong way"

Me:
"All good. Hope you have a good wknd"

Her:
"Yup"

Me:
"lol"

I texted her lol because she just seemed so rediculous. So far, she hasn't responded. This girl is being a major league b1tch to me and it pisses me off because I did nothing to warrant it. Even my breakup email was classy. I've never had a girl treat me with such contempt after a breakup, even after breakups that were much messier than this one. And she clearly WANTED this breakup.

It just pisses me off... venting here. Can anyone can think of texts to send her (even if they're just to mess with her head, maybe she deserves that)... I also am over her emotionally, but wouldn't mind banging her one last time for vindication, and wouldn't mind initiating communication with her that leads to that outcome.