So I met this girl back at the beginning of November. When we met, she had just broken up with her live-in boyfriend of two years at the end of August, and it was a messy break-up (she found that girls had been texting him naked pictures of themselves, he was staying out all night drinking, not telling her where he was etc.). She also told me that she struggles with abandonment issues pretty early on (her mother died last year, her father died 7 years ago, her b/f left her, a previous boyfriend was paralyzed in an accident) – and she was struggling to not believe that everyone she loves will either die or abandon her.
On my end, I ended an almost seven year relationship this past summer, but have mostly moved on, so the lingering baggage of my own is minimal, if any.
The relationship started off very well for the first month. We had some amazing dates and great chemistry. She was slow with getting intimate, but we had sex at about week three (sex was somewhat restrained... I tried a bit of dirty talk and she polite asked me not to). Since then, sex was very sporatic. I was beginning to think that maybe she didn’t like what I was giving her, but she noted that she has never gotten so wet for anymore before and said that things were great, but she just needed to get comfortable. She was just afraid of getting too attached too soon and then getting hurt again. She’s also commented that my kindness towards her makes her uncomfortable because, as she puts it, “it’s not what I know.” I don’t think I have been AFC with her but when she would talk/grieve about her mother dying I gave her comfort and affection, whereas she said her last boyfriend would tell her to stop acting crazy by crying all the time.
Anyway, in the last month there has been a lot of “push-pull” type stuff going on/comments made by her. We spent a weekend away, and then she picked a fight on the ride home about something stupid, said “maybe we should take some space”. I kept my cool. She then messaged me the next morning and said she was sorry, and asked if she could come over. She did, and we had sex.
Then last Saturday, after a great date out, she came back to my place, stopped at the door, and said that she didn’t want to spend the night because it scares her. The next morning, she texted me “please have faith in how much I like you, I really want to be with you, I just need time, please be patient with me”. I have started giving her space and not messaging/talking with her as much this week, and last night, after a phone conversation, she texted “it sucks that we have to force it now…. Guess we just don’t have much to talk about anymore… that’s ok…maybe we just need start over time? Sucks… seems harder now”.
Giving her space/”taking two steps back” seems to have the opposite effect on her. I am willing to put in the extra work to make things work for her, despite her abandonment issues... because I think she would make a great partner once we got over that hump.
Just wondering where you guys think I should go from here (aside from NEXT) to get her interest level back up?
On my end, I ended an almost seven year relationship this past summer, but have mostly moved on, so the lingering baggage of my own is minimal, if any.
The relationship started off very well for the first month. We had some amazing dates and great chemistry. She was slow with getting intimate, but we had sex at about week three (sex was somewhat restrained... I tried a bit of dirty talk and she polite asked me not to). Since then, sex was very sporatic. I was beginning to think that maybe she didn’t like what I was giving her, but she noted that she has never gotten so wet for anymore before and said that things were great, but she just needed to get comfortable. She was just afraid of getting too attached too soon and then getting hurt again. She’s also commented that my kindness towards her makes her uncomfortable because, as she puts it, “it’s not what I know.” I don’t think I have been AFC with her but when she would talk/grieve about her mother dying I gave her comfort and affection, whereas she said her last boyfriend would tell her to stop acting crazy by crying all the time.
Anyway, in the last month there has been a lot of “push-pull” type stuff going on/comments made by her. We spent a weekend away, and then she picked a fight on the ride home about something stupid, said “maybe we should take some space”. I kept my cool. She then messaged me the next morning and said she was sorry, and asked if she could come over. She did, and we had sex.
Then last Saturday, after a great date out, she came back to my place, stopped at the door, and said that she didn’t want to spend the night because it scares her. The next morning, she texted me “please have faith in how much I like you, I really want to be with you, I just need time, please be patient with me”. I have started giving her space and not messaging/talking with her as much this week, and last night, after a phone conversation, she texted “it sucks that we have to force it now…. Guess we just don’t have much to talk about anymore… that’s ok…maybe we just need start over time? Sucks… seems harder now”.
Giving her space/”taking two steps back” seems to have the opposite effect on her. I am willing to put in the extra work to make things work for her, despite her abandonment issues... because I think she would make a great partner once we got over that hump.
Just wondering where you guys think I should go from here (aside from NEXT) to get her interest level back up?
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