Girl I put on the pedestal and I don't know how to get her off

[schaff]

So the ex phones to wish me a happy birthday today (I was 21 a couple of days ago) and to let me know that she’s coming home in a couple of weeks (she went to University 4 hours away in September and only saw her briefly in December). Lets make it clear from the start, yes she dumped me.

Haven't seen/talked to her in 5 months and have been over her for quite a while (I guess I consider her the 'one' type girlfriend I've had and dated her for a year).

So since then I've been working on the self-improvement and been dating lots of girls and for a month seeing one of these girls exclusively (really nice girl, an 8 and very cool).

Why is it the minute I heard her voice I feel f*cked up again. I've been happier over the last few months then I've ever been (went back to college and I'm transferring to a new town in September and everything is going great). She says she want to catch up and have a drink (the idiot I am I said yes).

She knows she has this sort of control over me and I given the chance she'd probably want to have it again. I'm such a fool I'd probably let her and go back to the way I was before.

It doesn't matter how much I dwell on the sh*t she put me through I can only think of the good stuff. I feel I've lost every DJ aspect of my personality in the space of 5 minutes.

I thought hey this is easy enough to sort out, just don't see her. Trouble is I live in a small town and its not possible unless I stay in for the whole time she’s here.

This is f*cked up. Why is it I have to let this one individual have such a huge influence on me and she doesn't even deserve it. She’s the only one I've even put of the pedestal and after all the bible/forum material I've read will be the last I put on there. Even when I know the girl I'm seeing at the moment is physically more attractive, has had a constant high IL and is a great girl to hang with the ex is still in my head.

I kinda feel like Adam Sander in Something about Mary (obviously one of the biggest AFC characters in a film ever). How long and what did you do to totally forget her. I feel I've done everything.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I don't think you can forget her. But as a man you have to think about the one your dating now. Don't pull a girl move and go back to your ex. (They do this all the damn time) You put her on that pedestal you can take her down. She isn't perfect. Think about how much better your life is without her, go from there.

Whatever you do. Do not apply any kino!! whatsoever. She remembers the good times too and you'll miss touching her and all that good stuff. You do not want to have sex with your ex again. That'll just relink the chain she has around you. Plummeting you back into boyhood.

 

[Starman]

Yo Schaff, I could relate

I met this girl (before this site) who I really didnt care too much about..eventually she kept calling , emailing me, wanting to hang out and I fell for her HARD!

Then I went from a DJ to PURE AFC..put her on a pedestal, sharing emotions, being clingy and needy and she eventually got turned off and left.

I re-read some of the emails I wrote to her in the past (pretty much begging her to lets be friends, I value you alot, Dont Leave, blah blah..few months later reading it, I am disgusted at myself and feel humiliated and lost all my pride...I couldnt believe I had written and called her so much.

But I cut all contact..and it worked wonders..

a book that really helped me was "How to break your addiction to a person"

if this really bothers you that much..get that book..its like $5 (Used)

I will never let a woman treat me like that, nor will I ever act as a doofus as I was with this girl..so in essence..Ive become a different person..thanks to the tips on this board

Keep strong..and if you can..ditch the b1tch..you arent fully healed enough to meet up with her

 

[DirkPitt]

Ben Stiller was in something about mary.

 

[McHenry]

"She says she want to catch up and have a drink (the idiot I am I said yes)."

You can and I think you should just cancel the date.

 

[trajhenkhet]

Just think for a few moments what (or who for that matter) your ex has been doing in your absence...

 

[Starman]

I thinks he just misses the attention.


A question for you DJ's,

Do you guys think a woman who was initally turned on by you, and you turned AFC on her, do you think you can "win" her back by becoming the opposite of AFC? or is it all gone once she gets the impression of you being AFC?

 

[vdk]

If you managed to make really good 'connection' during the relationship she will think of you a lot, but she will be reminded of your 'AFCness'. Basically she is weighing the positives eg the connection vs the negatives eg not acting like a man but more like a girl. If positives are bigger she will more likely 'miss' you and will give you the occational birthday/christmas message or even try to talk to you, posibly wanting to get back with you.

 

[Ronin I]

Originally posted by Starman
I thinks he just misses the attention.


A question for you DJ's,

Do you guys think a woman who was initally turned on by you, and you turned AFC on her, do you think you can "win" her back by becoming the opposite of AFC? or is it all gone once she gets the impression of you being AFC?

I've asked this question myself and the coventional train of thought on this board seems to be that once you turn AFC in her head it is OVER. There's no going back.

I disagree with this somewhat - just for the simple reason that some people have very short term memories. So unless, your AFCness was extremly thorough and unrelenting, her memories of that behavior will fade over time.

So, in that regard my feeling would be that if you cut contact completely for a length of time and then re-introduce yourself as the newfound DJ that you are, you can reshape the way she views you.

I will test this theory over the next couple of weeks. I cut contact with my ex-oneitis for over six weeks and she called me out of the blue a couple of days ago wanting to get together.
I am COMPLETELY over her but am curious if I can get her back in the sack again.

Other than satisfying my curiousity I could really care less either way.

That's the funny part of having a oneitis. While your struggling with the affliction (and deperately trying to figure out how to get her back - assuming she dumped you) you come to realize that in order to ever have a chance of reversing things you need to absolutely not care anymore. BUT, when you finally absolutely don;t care anymore you obviously no longer want her back.

 

[Ronin I]

Originally posted by Starman
Yo Schaff, I could relate

I met this girl (before this site) who I really didnt care too much about..eventually she kept calling , emailing me, wanting to hang out and I fell for her HARD!

Then I went from a DJ to PURE AFC..put her on a pedestal, sharing emotions, being clingy and needy and she eventually got turned off and left.

I re-read some of the emails I wrote to her in the past (pretty much begging her to lets be friends, I value you alot, Dont Leave, blah blah..few months later reading it, I am disgusted at myself and feel humiliated and lost all my pride...I couldnt believe I had written and called her so much.

But I cut all contact..and it worked wonders..

Man have I been there. I look back and absolutely can't believe some of the sh!t I did over this girl.

Long-winded emails, told her I was in-love with her, wrote a poem , wanted to spend waaaayyyy too much time with her - to the point where it was negatively affecting other parts of my life - the list goes on and on.

Anyway, I cut all contact and that was really all I needed to do. Just needed to grab my balls and make it happen.

 

[Mizer]

Do you guys think a woman who was initially turned on by you, and you turned AFC on her, do you think you can "win" her back by becoming the opposite of AFC? or is it all gone once she gets the impression of you being AFC?

Starman, you should have started a new thread with this question. I was recently thinking about this myself.
I believe that it depends on how long you your were AFC. There may be a point of no return depending on how long you went AFC.
I sort of pushed this one female I am dating to the limits too quick and had to slip into AFC for a short burst of time in order to get the IL back up (at least that was my goal). It seems as if it was necessary.

I just couldn't think of another way to turn things back around. So I thought that if I dangle a little AFC in front of her for a second, she could see a different side of me and begin to wonder about me enough to boost the ol' IL up again.

Anyway, I had to immediately turn back to my original self in order to make up for the AFC cameo appearance. Once she started to call again, I wouldn't immediately return the call and I continued not to call as much. Several days went by without either one of us calling each other. But she left to go on vacation a few days ago and left a message on my answering machine saying that she just wanted to say bye before she left and that she we talk to me later. So it is still yet to be seen if I recovered or not.

Mizer

 

[backbreaker]

Around 2 years ago I was in the same situtation; I was actually already in a 8 month relationship and I met this chick at my job, didn't really like her, but she was pretty cool, and she made me laugh and she was kinda cute. I to this day don't know how she got my phone number, but she did and she called me... and called me and kept calling and even though she kept calling I didn't have a problem, I wasn't trying to advoid her, and if she would have asked for it I would have given it to her anyway. We were actually just, I hate to say it.. good friends, no sexual tension whatsoever for a good month or so.


One day, January 18th, 2001 to be exact, I found out my gf at the time cheated on me. I was pretty damn emotional, and I went completely afc on her, but that's another story(we eventually stopped talking and i haven't seen her in 2 years and I could honestly care less).

That night we broke up, me and the girl, whoose name is Jenn, talked literly the whole night, from 8pm to 6am, the whole time she was conforting me and telling me how it would be okay and crap like that, actually being a good friend.

Anyway, over the next month or so, we started hanging out more, talking more, and even then, I really didn't like her, she was still j ust a good friend. One day while we were working, I overheard her and her friend saying they wanted to go to the movies, and I, plaingly said I wanted to go to. She actually showed up at my house to come pick me up, so I got dressed and went, I mean, why in the hell not? While we were in the movies, not even 10 mins in, she started holding my hand, kissing me on my neck, which felt funny because I never saw her in that way, but I am a man, you think I was going to stop her? Plus it actually felt nice to have some affection from someone. Next thing I know she tuggs me and tells me to follow her. She takes me to her car and gives me the best BJ I have ever had in my life. To this day. Even then I didn't see her as a GF, just a Friend who I could have sex with if I wanted.

To make a long story short, we got closer and closer, eventually went together, and after I went completly afc for her, she cheated on me and broke up with me.

What I didn't know is that I was playing it so perfectly at first, because I dindn't like her, therefore I treated her like she deserved to be treated, a **** buddy, who I saw when I felt like it and got her to do things for me when I felt like it. I even had her come and cook me breakfast once. I toyed with her, telling her I would "come over" and would come just to watch a movie and leave. I had her so wrapped around my finger, that her Best friend, who I had known before her and I had a crush on for at least 5 years and woudlnt' give me the time of day before, started aynomously calling me up to "see how i was doing" and even came to pick me up at work (with jenn there) and take me out to "kick it" with her andwanted me to be her friend, but me turning into the Great AFC blew that as well but that's a different story.

What it boils down to is learn from me, you made a mistake, you can't change the past, but you can learn, so do that. don't talk to her. The best revenge, which is what you want, even if you won't admit it, is to live a happy and productive life, trust me.

 

[oreo_renegade]

I read this because of the title

"Girl I put on the pedestal and I don't know how to get her off"

Well, first of all, you wont "get her off" as long as shes on the pedestal.


"A question for you DJ's,

Do you guys think a woman who was initally turned on by you, and you turned AFC on her, do you think you can "win" her back by becoming the opposite of AFC? or is it all gone once she gets the impression of you being AFC?"

Starman my friend, you can SO win chicks back.


"So unless, your AFCness was extremly thorough and unrelenting, her memories of that behavior will fade over time."

Who cares how your AFCness was, how is you DJness now?

THATS ALL THAT MATTERS


Back in the day of my great AFCdom I knew a few girls which.. probably didnt like me very much (considering I got called a loser on a few occasions )

So, oh well, once an AFC, forever an AFC?


WRONG!!

When I started being a DJ, the meanest girl to me, was the one I tryed out the DJ stuff initially (hey, its not like it coulda went worse?), and what happened with her?

I got invited to her house AND she had an (afc) boyfriend

all the girls I acted afc to, were all won back

and trust me, as to how afc's go, I was one of the biggest!

 

[TesuqueRed]

Flake the date. Call her and make up some excuse.

Don't get caught up in it, just say something came up and you two need to rescedule--then---if she pushes the reschedule, make it for something near when she leaves. Then flake that...

You've done well--I mean that--but don't jeopardize it with meeting her. It may prove useful to meet her and realize you're over her, but--screw her--she hasn't earned your attention yet. Flake the date.

I know that feeling of "I've done all that work and the minute I hear her voice, it's as if nothing changed..."

Not much I can tell you except it's part of the learning process. This goes away after awhile (for me: years) and she won't be the last you encounter something like this. She touched something in you and you hooked a lot of reactions to her presense, her voice, her smell, her whatever--as you get older, you rely more on yourself and this doesn't happen as much. Not much you can do in the meantime...