Ok, here.
NEXT TIME, do a search.
Welcome back. It's time again for the AUTOPSY OF THE MONTH.
Yes, the Autopsy of the Month, where I reminisce upon and
dissect a pickup from start to finish, see what went right, and
see what went very, very wrong.
Now, for this month's autopsy, I decided to go with an ONLINE
pickup.
That's right. I get a ton of letters every month from guys
wanting to know how to work the whole online thing to get some
action.
For the most part, I find it to be a huge waste of time, time
that could be better spent in the field. But nonetheless, I
have to admit that, for many guys, their particular circumstances
make online the best option.
Personally, I view it as a sort of "bonus round." I put up my
stupid little profile, and if a chick contacts ME, fine.
Otherwise, I don't spend time on it trolling for girls.
But hey, I must sacrifice for my art. So I did a round of online
dating this month, JUST FOR YOU.
Let me explain how I did it.
First of all, my profile. It's somewhat unusual. I do have a
couple of normal-looking pics of myself up, but for my "main
photo" I have a large photo of the rapper "Ol' Dirty Bastard,"
grimacing and baring his platinum-covered teeth. (By the way,
RIP ODB)
For the part where it says "about me" I wrote:
"I'm a total assh0le. I love tender moments and little cats."
And where it says "who I want to meet" I have the following:
"Fat chicks. People who laugh at my jokes. High self-esteem
types who don't take things too seriously."
So, here's my modus operandi:
I browse the users for good looking chicks in my area. After
picking like 30 of these, I send out a shotgun mass message to
them all:
"You're kind of cute.
Dork.
-j"
Then, I simply sit back and wait for the replies to pour in.
A large percentage, more than half, won't respond at all. After
that, it becomes a funneling process to see who is going to bite
and give up the digits.
So, in this latest round, I ended up banging two girls. Below
is the email interaction that led to me getting the number of
one of them, in its entirety:
****************************************************************
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jlaix
4:16 PM
you're kind of cute.
dork.
-j
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: k
5:06 PM
i thought you werent so cute until i realized you dont really
have all gold teeth. i was a little freaked out for like a
minute. who you calling a dork. dork. i guess i say it enough,
so ill let it slide.
k-
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jlaix
5:11 PM
You are so adorable... it's fcuking sickening.
I want to adopt you. You are my new little sister. I want to
wrap you up in a bubble wrap envelope and ship you to NYC with
me. On the way you can pop the little bubbles for your
amusement. When we get there I'll open you up... -shrrrriipp!!-
and you shall EMERGE FORTH, like a beautiful butterfly or some
sh!t. Then we'll go shopping, on 5th ave, and we'll walk around
arm-in-arm, and EVERY GIRL WILL BE JEALOUS OF YOU.
Brat.
-j
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: k
5:22 PM
ok, i like bubble wrap, i made a wall of it once. I miss NYC.
Need more rowdy east coasters out here already. youre goofy- i
like it.
k-
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jlaix
5:27 PM
We probably wouldn't get along... we're too similar. I wouldn't
take your sh!t, you wouldn't take my sh!t, and we'd just fight
all the time, then have, like, freaky make-up sex. I'm not sure
I'm ready for a volatile relationship like that now.
Then again, maybe I am. I'm so confused!
-jeffy
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: k
10:11 PM
confused or just crazy? hhmmmm. so b/c you :
a. seem crazy
b. like ny
c. apparently want gold teef (not teeth, when they are gold
they become teef)
d. wanna have freaky make up sex before we even meet
e. the guys i am dating are kinda assh*les
f. you say you wanna meet fat chicks although i am not really
fat.
g. seem crazy. yeah, that gets two
all of this leads me to believe we should have a drink or meet
up. which i normally only say after like weeks or so of myspace
bullsh!t conversations and goofy emails.
but what the fcuk...why not. alright, i am off to get some drinks
in me after seeing Harry Potter with like 10 gay men.
k
****************************************************************
Boom. She gives me the phone number in the next message.
I call her up a couple days later, and just say, "What are you
doing. I'm coming over. I'll be nice."
She says, "Oh, I don't know... meet me at the bar in 30 minutes."
I roll to the bar. My only conscious strategy going in is "be a
giver, not a taker."
I go in and own the place befriending the staff. Then the chick
comes in.
She is blonde, blue eyes, and pretty much looks the same as in
her pics. She is 31, she has money and a business. Perfect. No
scrubs here.
I dazzle her with some VERY RUDIMENTARY game, and I say, "Take
me to your house, I am hungry." We go there.
I drink some of her beer. I see a pic of her in the house where
she is SUPER FAT. Apparently, she just lost 40 pounds and is on
some extreme diet/fitness ****. Perfect.
All I do is start kissing her, and then I fcuk the sh!t out of
her. Delicious.
And that's basically it in a nutshell. A whole lot of work for
one measly lay. This is why I generally eschew online, the
cost/benefit analysis doesn't bear fruit.
Unless you call carpal tunnel syndrome "fruit."
The whole thing of it is getting the girls to respond to you,
because they're inundated with tons of messages from random
chodes every day. So you really have to stand out in order to
cut through all the noise.
If you can do that, and then convince them to give you the number,
and then convince them to meet you out in public, it's pretty
much in the bag.
That's the one thing I like about online. Once they meet you,
you're pretty much guaranteed to get laid, unless you screw it
up.
I tried Dave M's product a while back and it worked surprisingly well AT FIRST
I had about 2 Chicks respoding to my profile per day. This one chick was first to ask me to meet her for coffee... But a little while after that it stoped working Chicks stoped responding to my profile and emails . I was starting to wonder if Dave M's product had began to get burned out like David Ds famous personal ad responce
