Girl flaked out on me TWICE but still shows MAJOR interest

[Gibraltar]

I used to allow flakes to get back into my life. Now, I delete them upon the first flake. My time is too valuable to deal with wishy,washy people. If you're not coming, then say so!

How hard is it to pick up the phone and cancel/reschedule? This is the digital world. I've talked to indian programmers on the phone on the other side of the world in less than 15 sec connecting time.

She DISSED you man. and I'm not gonna sugarcake it either. why even talk to her? She's unreliable, inconsistent, and wasting your cellular text message plan. If a chick flakes on my once, I'm done with her. Are you kidding me? Read between the lines. She ain't interested. She keeps feeding your negative info, and you let her rationalize the crap.

Guy shows up to date = interest

Girls flakes = her interest < his interest

That's not a desirable situation. plus, she exhibits some terrible personality traits.

 

[r0cky]

Maybe if you call her to remind her about the party she will know you really want her to go, and she wont "forget".

 

[izza]

I used to allow flakes to get back into my life. Now, I delete them upon the first flake. My time is too valuable to deal with wishy,washy people. If you're not coming, then say so!

How hard is it to pick up the phone and cancel/reschedule? This is the digital world. I've talked to indian programmers on the phone on the other side of the world in less than 15 sec connecting time.

She DISSED you man. and I'm not gonna sugarcake it either. why even talk to her? She's unreliable, inconsistent, and wasting your cellular text message plan. If a chick flakes on my once, I'm done with her. Are you kidding me? Read between the lines. She ain't interested. She keeps feeding your negative info, and you let her rationalize the crap.

Guy shows up to date = interest

Girls flakes = her interest < his interest

That's not a desirable situation. plus, she exhibits some terrible personality traits.

I think everything in this post is important to keep in mind. Although I'm not this strict about flakes, I do think it's really important to keep in mind that this is your only possession they are mistreating, and that is your time. I believe that mistakes happen, things go wrong, and certain girls deserve a second chance. Also, I think that many don't.

I do give them a chance to talk about what happened, to suggest a way of ensuring that doesn't happen again and making up their mistake to me (it's not always their mistakes, sometimes it's mine - but I also don't own a cell phone, so it's more complicated.) I think opening a non-judgmental line of communication is good - but also, make it clear that maturity and respect for your time is a requirement in your world.

By the way, may I add that not having a cell phone tends to get people's attention. I have had lots of girls say "well, what if something goes wrong, what if I can't make it?" I tell them, well, I'll wait for a bit, and then I'll leave after 15 minutes to half an hour. And if you don't show up and you don't have a mature, responsible reason, you will probably need to earn some trust from me.

In general, people on this board aren't so good at resolving conflict and solving problems. People just say "drop her" and "pick up more women." Often, this may be a good course of action. But sometimes it's not. It is healthy to realize when something isn't going to be able to work right now with a person you like. I also believe that every guy here, to have a real relationship with anybody in their lives, is going to need to learn to resolve conflicts, forgive mistakes, and work together to prevent them in the future. Because things will go wrong with everybody. You can't drop everybody every time they make a mistake. Although I do think that to some degree it's fair to drop a girl who does not respect your time.

On the other hand, there are a LOT of ways to prevent flaking. If you're using her attendance as a test of her interest, frankly, you're acting like an idiot. Very interested girls will flake if you set things up in an ineffective way.

On the other hand, if after building attraction/interest, you build COOPERATION, I can guarantee you she will rarely flake.

If you're interested in the difference between interest, attraction or rapport, and cooperation, please see my thread below:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1529898#post1529898

Izza

Best wishes,
Izza

 

[Gibraltar]

I think everything in this post is important to keep in mind. Although I'm not this strict about flakes, I do think it's really important to keep in mind that this is your only possession they are mistreating, and that is your time. I believe that mistakes happen, things go wrong, and certain girls deserve a second chance. Also, I think that many don't.

I do give them a chance to talk about what happened, to suggest a way of ensuring that doesn't happen again and making up their mistake to me (it's not always their mistakes, sometimes it's mine - but I also don't own a cell phone, so it's more complicated.) I think opening a non-judgmental line of communication is good - but also, make it clear that maturity and respect for your time is a requirement in your world.

By the way, may I add that not having a cell phone tends to get people's attention. I have had lots of girls say "well, what if something goes wrong, what if I can't make it?" I tell them, well, I'll wait for a bit, and then I'll leave after 15 minutes to half an hour. And if you don't show up and you don't have a mature, responsible reason, you will probably need to earn some trust from me.

In general, people on this board aren't so good at resolving conflict and solving problems. People just say "drop her" and "pick up more women." Often, this may be a good course of action. But sometimes it's not. It is healthy to realize when something isn't going to be able to work right now with a person you like. I also believe that every guy here, to have a real relationship with anybody in their lives, is going to need to learn to resolve conflicts, forgive mistakes, and work together to prevent them in the future. Because things will go wrong with everybody. You can't drop everybody every time they make a mistake. Although I do think that to some degree it's fair to drop a girl who does not respect your time.

On the other hand, there are a LOT of ways to prevent flaking. If you're using her attendance as a test of her interest, frankly, you're acting like an idiot. Very interested girls will flake if you set things up in an ineffective way.

On the other hand, if after building attraction/interest, you build COOPERATION, I can guarantee you she will rarely flake.

If you're interested in the difference between interest, attraction or rapport, and cooperation, please see my thread below:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1529898#post1529898

Izza

Best wishes,
Izza

To call someone an idiot for moving on after a flake is pretty ridiculous. Everyone is different. Intelligence is knowing who you are and not changing for anyone. When a girl flakes, there is no conflict. She sent a message loud and clear. If you were REALLY busy and had an interesting life with tons of women, how would you find the time to resolve a flake?

Honestly, think about it. Say you're supposed to come to work for 2 days, and don't show up either day. Will you have a job for long? HECK NO!

Why? Because the employer knows you can be replaced with another person. Employers RARELY beg employees to come to work when they fail to show up....hmmm I wonder why?

All in all, I respect your POV, but everybody is different. That's what makes the world so interesting. You are adept at resolving conflicts with the flakes, while I just move on. At the end, God has blessed us with air in our lungs, a powerful mind, and the ability to make our dreams come true.

 

[izza]

To call someone an idiot for moving on after a flake is pretty ridiculous. Everyone is different. Intelligence is knowing who you are and not changing for anyone. When a girl flakes, there is no conflict. She sent a message loud and clear. If you were REALLY busy and had an interesting life with tons of women, how would you find the time to resolve a flake?

Honestly, think about it. Say you're supposed to come to work for 2 days, and don't show up either day. Will you have a job for long? HECK NO!

Why? Because the employer knows you can be replaced with another person. Employers RARELY beg employees to come to work when they fail to show up....hmmm I wonder why?

All in all, I respect your POV, but everybody is different. That's what makes the world so interesting. You are adept at resolving conflicts with the flakes, while I just move on. At the end, God has blessed us with air in our lungs, a powerful mind, and the ability to make our dreams come true.

Thanks for the reply - I like your point of view! And I really respect your overall tone, and the rare understanding that we're all different. That's really great.

I just wanted to be sure to note that I didn't say anyone was an idiot at all. I said some people might be acting like an idiot, but not for moving on from a flake. I think it's in many cases the wisest thing to do after a flake. I did say that if you take attendance as a test of interest, that a person is acting like an idiot. That might be kind of a stronger statement than I mean - and I think that interest is involved when a person flakes, but I think it's important to keep in mind that other factors are involved. I think evaluating a person's interest based solely on a flake is kind of an ego-centric way of looking at the world. But like I said, there is almost always some justification to it. I just don't think it's the whole picture.

But when a girl flakes, it pisses me off. Don't get me wrong. I really get annoyed. I don't always think it's worth opening a line of communication (aka what happened?). Some women are just really forgetful with a lot of people. They can be worthwhile in certain situations. Besides, it has less to do with interest than maturity.

One final thing I want to point out. I don't think most guys understand how dangerous dating is for women. Guys already have the "will I fall in love, will she laugh at me stuff." And just with that, dating is hard for us. Or how about a fear of pregnancy. Let's not forget that 1/4 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. One out of every four who walks down the street will be sexually assaulted. That's an enormous percentage. Think if that was guys.

Plus there are tons of clingy guys who symbolically propose marriage on the first date - and I haven't even gotten into stalkers, arrogant jerks, and date rape etc. Add to that the fear of being labeled a slut for wanting sex. Other women hate sluts and can make them feel terrible.

For men and women, but especially women, even showing up for a date is in many ways an act of courage. I think if we want to succeed with women, we need to realize why women hold back so often.

Perhaps the word idiot is inappropriate, but I do think that to conclude that she didn't come to your date based solely on whether or not she was interested in you or in sex lacks understanding of a lot of women. But I do agree that in many cases, lack of interest is basically the best explanation.

That said, if our society didn't have so many taboos against women wanting to have sex, I think dating would be a lot more casual. You wouldn't need to wow her to get her to have a cup of coffee with you, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, let me try to follow your excellent example. I agree, there are a lot of great ways to pick up women. I am sure yours are working for you. So don't fix what's not broken. This is just stuff to think about.

Izza

 

[startstrongtoday22]

Old post, but my thougths here. The key thing is this: if a woman is interested she would drive hours and hours to see you, it's happened to me. If she flakes, there is no policy, just ignore her. Delete her number, because she is not worth sh1t or your time. You are just being used for validation, and she is getting her fix because some guy she is probably seeing or fking is not given her that validation but you are. Always ignore, and delete their number. It's beautiful when someone texts you and then you ask them, "who is this?", then and if they do not respond, you can tell who it is. A woman who wants you will chase and chase you, it has happened to me a lot. But you just keep ignoring them.

 

[LTG71]

Work is a good place to observe female behavior. You can interact with them and get to know the types without dating. Learn how to read an attention hoe, the hot-insecure chics, the tomboys, the angry feminists, the flakes and so on. Some women will even call each other out and point out bad behavior.

During my bday this year, a flake I know insisted on taking me to lunch. She setup the time and place. On the day, she flaked and never showed up. She got ”too busy” and couldn’t make it. Tried a second time, same thing. It eventually happened four months later. The focus of each interaction was always about her, how she is so busy and what see’s up to. Completely solipsistic and narcissistic. During the four months, I’d see her at lunch eating with other ppl, lol. Since I’d seen this before, I took her invitation with a grain of salt. Just a selfish, low quality woman.

Point is to be observant as well as careful getting involved with women at work. Use other women to help do some of the recon work for you. Seen several people at work actually date and get married, so it does happen sometimes. But keep your eyes and ears open and think with your big head.

The chic in the post probably liked the attention and validation she was getting but never really wanted anything else, Sadly see this kind at work a lot. Some even have boyfriends at home.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Flaking twice isn't showing any type of interest. She is simply playing games with you and it's fun to see how long she can keep this up and continue her sh!tty behavior with you putting up with it.

Have some respect for yourself.

 

[bat soup]

Okay fella, I am a bit lost on this one. Here is the story:

Met this girl from work. We chat a bit and I find out she lives a few towns over from me, about 25 minutes away. Leaving work two fridays ago I ask her what she is up to for the night and she says nothing. I tell her about a party my friend is throwing and invite her to come along. She seemed really excited about it and said she would call me when she got out of work (I left an hour before her). As the night goes by no phone call, no text, nothing. I don't text/call her and just enjoy my night.

I see her at work a few days later and she is EXTREMELY apologetic and says she got caught up doing something (I don't remember the exact excuse) and totally forgot. Then she tells me that we "have a date" for the coming friday and that she promises she won't forget this time. Last friday rolls around and SHE ASKS ME what we are doing. I tell her that I am throwing a party at my house and want her to come. Again she says she is definitely coming and will call me when she gets out of work. The night rolls by and nothing. No call, no text, nothing. Again, I don't bother texting her and I just enjoy my night.

Then the night after (Saturday) I was in her area and decided to shoot her a text to see what she was up to but got no response.

So yesterday I see her at work again and she apologizes for flaking and says that she just totally forgot again because her sister kept bothering her about some other plans for the night, but that I should go over to her town for some party that is going on this coming weekend. I told her that it's all up to her now cause I gave her two chances, and I won't be going out of my way anymore to hang out with her. She actually got pretty pissed when I said that and said "so what is the point of us even talking then?" but calmed down a few minutes later and we were all good.

So. It is obvious that she has some sort of interest, but it is getting pretty annoying trying to get her to hang out and I refuse to completely chase after her to spend some time with her. What should I do my fellow DJs??

On the one hand there is her talk - she wants to meet you so much etc etc.
On the other hand is her action - she doesn't actually meet up with you and instead just ignores your messages.

If she was really interested she would have met you already outside of work. So at most, her interest is weak. I wouldn't bother with parties or any of that BS. Invite her to meet you alone and if she talks her way out of it or ignores you again just stop talking to her because it's a waste of time.

 

[bat soup]

During my bday this year, a flake I know insisted on taking me to lunch. She setup the time and place. On the day, she flaked and never showed up. She got ”too busy” and couldn’t make it. Tried a second time, same thing. It eventually happened four months later. The focus of each interaction was always about her, how she is so busy and what see’s up to.

For me, the word "busy" means doesn't want to meet up and I totally lose interest at that point.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

What should I do my fellow DJs??

What you should have done was mention that you may come to her party, maybe not. And leave every conversation after that non committal and 100% NEXT her.

This is not some girl you're gaming. This is a girl who's orbit you have suddenly found yourself inside of.

She says she's interested and then says she forgot. Twice.

Seriously dude...

 

[Zimbabwe]

For me, the word "busy" means doesn't want to meet up and I totally lose interest at that point.

If a girl really is so "busy" how exactly does she expect to have time to date someone?

 

[Divorced w 3]

It’s tough to be in the OP’s mindset… take that red pill sir. Break out

 

[LTG71]

For me, the word "busy" means doesn't want to meet up and I totally lose interest at that point.

I agree. Actions speak louder than words. ”Busy” means she didn’t give enough of a sh!t to follow through.

 

[bat soup]

If a girl really is so "busy" how exactly does she expect to have time to date someone?

That's just what she says to guys she doesn't like. To others she says "come over and bang me right now"