Girl flaked, I closed door but am looking for better way

[scrapperdog]

I had set up to meet this girl at the local art museum at 6. This morning she told me she could not meet until 6:30 and wondered what time it closed. I had a bad feeling about this.

Then she emails me at 3:30 saying something about her roomate being sick or whatever. Asking for a raincheck.

This is what I sent her.

"NTY. I dont want to waste my time on people that flake when I could have been doing something more productive or made other plans for tonight".

The problem with this is that it pretty much closes the door... how do I maintain my self respect and still be open to a date? I want to go on dates to practice the things that I have learned here.

She went on about how my attitude sucks and blah blah she never wants to talk to me again. I responded by saying no hard feelings and GL in your search for the right man. Does my attitude suck? In the past I would have said fine, let me know what is convenient.

I am asking this because I seem to find a lot of flakes and am sure this wont be the last time someone does this on a first date, and I want to know how to not look like a pushover but still have a chance for a date.

Thank you guys.

 

[Mr. Me]

As you can see, calling a girl on her flaking just doesn't work. Maybe it lets off steam, but it doesn't help grab another date. It just makes you look uptight. That's where you lose respect, so don't do it. Women will always blame you for their misdeeds. Don't give them the ammo.

Women flake when they're not interested enough. Pure and simple. You felt it coming. That's good. Learn to listen to your gut and be proactive next time.

If they flake, move on. Don't contact them again. If they genuinely are interested in seeing you and there really was an emergency preventing them from getting to the date (which is highly unlikely), they'll contact you again.

Just to use the facts from your situation, when she contacted you at 3:30... by EMAIL (because she didn't want to talk with you about it)... after already saying this morning that she'd be late, that's two strikes right there...

I mean, think about it... if she's got set plans to meet you on Saturday evening at 6, then how in the world does she go ahead and accept other plans ahead of time where she isn't going to be able to keep her 6 PM commitment with you... unless that commitment doesn't mean that much to her, right?

And you know it doesn't, because then on more thought, she bailed out.

So you're going to reprimand her? How's that going to work? She doesn't care!

Then she turns it around and makes you into the bad guy.

If they flake, they're out. They've already next'd you. Try to build their interest up a bit more, and there will still always be flakes. Next time you hear any hemming and hawing, you prevent the flaking by saying, "hey tell you what. Let's just cancel this for now until a better time, okay?" and then never call them again.

 

[ketostix]

Yeah but if your going to next them anyway, might as well call them out on it.

 

[scrapperdog]

Solid piece of advice Mr. Me and I almost did it. When I sensed the possible flake my first reaction was to try and clarify if this was real or a flake, and to tell her if this is not a good day just let me know now and we can find a better one. But I did not follow my instinct.

I kind of thought it might be paranoia and did not move. I thought everything was going well until this morning when I sensed the first hesitation. Mostly I was afraid of looking like a guy who gets stood up a lot and is hypersensitive to the issue... but I think your pro-active approach is much better than having a possible meltdown like I did.

Even though I did not get the date I felt a sense of power and confidence telling her to piss off instead of going back to my old ways of "it is fine, I understand, give me another shot, I am a total chump who needs a date" after she cancels 3 hours before the date.

 

[guru1000]

When I sensed the possible flake my first reaction was to try and clarify if this was real or a flake, and to tell her if this is not a good day just let me know now and we can find a better one. But I did not follow my instinct.

You did the right thing!

Many say to follow the GUT. However, understand the GUT is designed and programmed off your past experiences. So if you have had many negatives encounters, your GUT will tell you most of the time "This girl will flake.".

On the other hand, if you were never rejected(hypothetical), your GUT will always tell you "She will never flake."

Cognitive Dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling you get that opposes your GUT. When you make a change in thought and action, you get this uncomfortable, strange feeling. However, your new action can be the more effective one.

Always remember, your GUT is the sum of all your past experiences to create a feeling. Always move foward with an optimistic attitude toward the event. This will bring you more often that not, optimistic results.

I kind of thought it might be paranoia and did not move. I thought everything was going well until this morning when I sensed the first hesitation. Mostly I was afraid of looking like a guy who gets stood up a lot and is hypersensitive to the issue

Again you did the right thing. Rejection is better than Regret.

Take it on the chin and move on!

 

[Metro3pilot]

Then she emails me at 3:30 saying something about her roomate being sick or whatever. Asking for a raincheck

I do think is she was really interested, she would call.

"NTY. I dont want to waste my time on people that flake when I could have been doing something more productive or made other plans for tonight".

Probably should not have wasted the time responding, but who has not done that ?

She went on about how my attitude sucks and blah blah she never wants to talk to me again

yeah whatever

I want to know how to not look like a pushover but still have a chance for a date

The only way to do that is never ask for a date agin, once she stands you up it's time to get steppin

other chicks will come along, don't punish yourself by dealing with flakers ..

:rockon:

 

[window]

Never let them get to you. I wouldn't be picking up the phone or responding to emails on the day of the date. And don't waste the 30 cents to call them back.

They'll check in a few days later to apologise. Just say no worries, bye. They might even ask if you're angry...just say no I had other things to do so it wasn't a big deal. Then never call them or ask them out again.

Never let them know you're upset about the situation.

If they want another shot make them work for it, otherwise...

Adios baby.

 

[jophil28]

Then she emails me at 3:30 saying something about her roomate being sick or whatever. Asking for a raincheck.

This is what I sent her.

"NTY. I dont want to waste my time on people that flake when I could have been doing something more productive or made other plans for tonight".

This is what you should have sent her,(even if you were really pissed)

" Thats cool , perhaps some other time."

You need to sound indifferent. That is the biggest slap down that you can give a woman who is jerking you around.

And then you invite someone else - ANYONE !!

 

[iqqi]

You need to sound indifferent. That is the biggest slap down that you can give a woman who is jerking you around.

And then you invite someone else - ANYONE !!

This is TRUE TRUE TRUE, beat yourself in the head TRUE, fellas.

By "calling her out" all you did was come across as an uptight pansy, and reinforce in her mind that she did the right thing when she assumed you were a loser and not worth her time.

AND, she doesn't GIVE A FVCK about your feelings.

You have to maintain your aura of being a cool person. That means cool headed. Not easily upset.

Never let them see that they got to you, why would you want some random chick to think she got to you? And that it was THAT easy.

 

[insidious]

jophil and iqqi called it man.
i think you "lost" this battle in that
you lashed out and played the role
of the aggrieved party.

that whole i don't waste time on people who flake yada yada thing
did not prove a thing and only elicited further stupid ass
aw reaction from her.

you don't know the chick, she means nothing to you. if she died in a plane accident tomorrow, it would be a great topic of conversation but i doubt you would be truly anguished.

just play that shyt off and let her see it doesn't matter. and believe it!

 

[drmeathead]

"gotcha" and no response to anything else from her the rest of the day. you still have your pride. you made it perfectly clear that you understood that she cant make it. she may ask if you are mad or sad or anything. dont answer she is just trying to make herself feel better cause she may feel guilty. if she asks about some other time then you can break the rules and tell her "sounds good, call me". dont expect her to. one in ten perhaps may have a legit reason and end up being a quality person but they have a big hole to dig out of. with those girls the ball is in their court totally. you cant chase them.

 

[scrapperdog]

Guys I was not pissed. I know how many times I am gonna be rejected when playing the game so if I get pissed about this stuff I am setting myself up for a lot of being pissed off. I really see this as a game and although I would like to be on a date tonight, I could care less if it was with this particular girl so it is not on a personal level. To me it was more matter of fact. I would have only been pissed if I was left standing there.

However, just because I was not pissed does not mean I handled it right. I killed any chance for another date. I did not come across as cool headed as I really was about the situation. I am working on some confidence issues but not really any anger issues or issues of false expectations (I realize girls will flake on me, such is life). BTW in my last thread someone wanted to know what I looked like.

I appreciate the suggestions and advice, and think u guys are fantastic.

 

[ketostix]

Guys I was not pissed. I know how many times I am gonna be rejected when playing the game so if I get pissed about this stuff I am setting myself up for a lot of being pissed off. I really see this as a game and although I would like to be on a date tonight, I could care less if it was with this particular girl so it is not on a personal level. To me it was more matter of fact. I would have only been pissed if I was left standing there.

However, just because I was not pissed does not mean I handled it right. I killed any chance for another date. I did not come across as cool headed as I really was about the situation. I am working on some confidence issues but not really any anger issues or issues of false expectations (I realize girls will flake on me, such is life). BTW in my last thread someone wanted to know what I looked like.

I appreciate the suggestions and advice, and think u guys are fantastic.

Well one thing in general is with online you have to be obviously level-headed in your responses because being only text it's easy to come acrossed as angry or pissed even when you're not.

 

[ketostix]

This is TRUE TRUE TRUE, beat yourself in the head TRUE, fellas.

By "calling her out" all you did was come across as an uptight pansy, and reinforce in her mind that she did the right thing when she assumed you were a loser and not worth her time.

AND, she doesn't GIVE A FVCK about your feelings.

You have to maintain your aura of being a cool person. That means cool headed. Not easily upset.

Never let them see that they got to you, why would you want some random chick to think she got to you? And that it was THAT easy.

Yeah with a flake it's a little iffy but despite all their rationizations girls know when they're being out of line and had he said it in in a more indifferent way such as, "That's cool, perhaps some other time", that's not a bad response but it's a partial reward for poor behavior. She could've just as easily assumed he's just a pushover and figures she can lead him on indefinitely. She's just not interested enough but that's not an excuse for flaking, she should've not made the plans in the first place. But flaking is a little iffy if you should call it out, but in most other cases of poor behavior I've gotten good mileage for calling girls out on their bad behavior.

 

[droogie]

Anytime I get into a situation like this I tell myself "I ain't giving her the satisfaction." Then I move on down road.

 

[STR8UP]

Anything but "Ok, have a nice day" is akin to flipping the prison guard the bird as he stuffs you into solitary confinement and slams the door on your ass.

I have learned NOT to burn bridges.

All you are doing by giving her a piece of your mind is killing ANY last bit of attraction she MIGHT have had for you. There have been a small handful of women in the past year or so that I would have LOVED to have "flipped the bird" to, and I WOULD have in the past, until I realized that attraction spreads exponentially.

That means that any little bit of attraction one woman has for you wear off on other women. Women are VERY good at sensing when they have "competition" around. Men don't pick up on these subtle glances and body language and such, but women are very attuned to this kind of thing.

So all you are really doing by severing ties with a woman is decreasing your chances to hook up with other women, if even just a little bit.

Is it worth it to try to get the last word in? For me it isn't.

 

[iqqi]

^^^^SO much for taking a break.

 

[jophil28]

double post

 

[jophil28]

There are two schools of thought regarding calling a woman on her bad behavior. Firstly let me say this - women frequently act poorly on the dating scene. Even at my age, I still get my share of crazy shyte from mature women who should know better BUT THEY STILL SCREW UP !
If I encounter flaking ,I have several arrows in my quiver to choose from and fire back , according to the setting and the circumstances.

1. I never get pissed or show anger towards a woman who flakes on a first date.
Women flake for many reasons- low IL is only one of them. It is NOT the only reason. Women are much more anxious that we imagine they are. Most women are terrified of the first date and fear the possibilities of all that can go wrong...After you invite a woman out on a date, she will talk to her G/fs, her gay friends , her hairstylist , her personal trainer, the chick in the next cube at the office, her sisters and even her mother and they will ALL help her plan the date for her.

It is also folly to believe that they would NOT flake if you were Brad Pitt. A date with him would likely send them into a state of utter panic and meltdown type anxiety.
I have known women to flake because they could not get THAT dress to look just right. Most women have a HUGE need for approval from men , especially a new man, and flaking sometimes is what FEELS like a sure way to avoid the possibility of imagined rejection if their confidence is having a bad day.

Flaking IS appalling social behavior, BUT , remember this men, women do not hold themselves to the same obligations and standards that we do.
Doing "the right thing " to a woman will always come second to her personal interests or her emotional comfort.

2. Women rarely flake to HURT your feelings. So getting all hissy makes things worse both for her and you. You may enjoy "losing it" in her direction BUT she will shift her focus away from any guilt that she feels and onto your pissy reaction .You are then THE PROBLEM in her mind.

IF she flakes I show COOL INDIFFERENCE
.. It diffuses the angst in you and mitigates her guilt. It leaves the door open for her to contact you if or when she wants to see you again. THEN , when she does, you have control.

3. If she is hot, she will know her market value. It is likely that a cool response from you will elicit a re-connect from her BECAUSE she is not used to men treating her like she is just a OPTION to him. Women are very curious creatures and some of them CANNOT resist the guy who acts as if SHE is not the center of his world.

Getting all smacked out by a flakey woman sends the clear message that SHE was your only option and you must have been desperate for that date.
Why would she ever try to make it up to you in the future IF you have erupted ..?


These are a few of my thoughts which apply only to first few days or weeks of a new connect.
Flaking within an LTR is a whole other kettle and needs a different operating procedure.
a

 

[penkitten]

so you might have burned a bridge with her, but you also told her what you felt, and apparently what she isn't used to hearing.
good for you.
what did her room mate being sick have to do with the date?
is she really nursing her sick room mate all night?
not unless it is something very serious, which she would have told you the first time. instead, she was re arranging her plans for whatever else came up.
why are we questioning your attitude? i think your self respect is still in tact at this point, more so than hers, and my advise to you is to move on, and find the next girl.