Girl asked to push date back, then asks to reschedule. Do I maintain my frame?

[thatfeel]

Aight so, this girl I know from work, we went out twice, pretty decent dates. Tonight was the night I was hoping...for the escalation.

Earlier we were going to go to dinner at 6. She asked "Can we push it to 8?". I said yes to this because when I asked her out on this date a few days before she said "I'm busy during the day with family stuff but the evening is fine". I took the push back to 8 as her just needing more time with her family because maybe she underestimated how much time she would be spending with them.

3 hours later I get the bomb:

"Can we move our date? I'm hanging out with my best friend. She just came back from Hawaii and I haven't seen her in over a month. She went there because her husband physically assaulted her...we are trying to catch up. You can hang out with us later if it's okay."

...

She might not be lying, but it's still lame as hell. Her friend will always be around after. So do I just tell her "I understand your concern but I've already made the arrangement." or do I just go ghost and ignore her? Idk, I'm interested in her, but I need to learn how to deal with these BS games. I'd rather just shut her the fvck down and be like nope, sorry and show her who she's dealing with.

 

[Reykhel]

Yes it is lame as hell. She wants you to "hang out with them later"? You'd be difinately jumping into her hoop there and end up being one of the girls talking about what a basterd her friend's husband is...fvck that

Tell her "It's my only free night" and let's see where her interest level is.

Can we reschedule for another night is not exactly a counter offer is it?

You're right, her friend will always be there......show her your boundaries brother.

I like your last sentence.

 

[thatfeel]

Lol, I just got another text from her "we wanna come to the pool. I'm drunk". I'm assuming she meant "we wanna go".

 

[Reykhel]

Lol, I just got another text from her "we wanna come to the pool. I'm drunk". I'm assuming she meant "we wanna go".

Fvck it, go for a threesome

It's all chess really isn't it. chess and calibration..

The answer to this question is the same for most questions about women....don't take any of them too seriously.....transient sources of entertainment that are here today and gone tomorrow......the only constant in this movie is YOU. The only important things are your purpose, your mission, your goals...YOU.

...byatches they come they go....

You've got to love them though....for what they are....not for what we hope they will be; neither the holes they will never fill.....

 

[HeadLightsOn]

See that's the problem I have with guys going ghost/NC. In certain situations, not all situations, this can come off as butthurt.

I have a female friend I've known for a very long time. Her top three guy turn offs are, neediness, being self centered and being butthurt. She says weakness in a man is extremely unattractive.

I guess it's a matter of the right action for the situation at the time.

 

[pyros]

Based on my experience...she just doesn't want to get physical with you. You were going on a third date and she thinks you want to escalate sexually with her but she doesn't want it, this is why she's made up that super false yet believable excuse.

I would either not reply at all, or say something like: "lame", and go no contact then.

As I said, the thing here is that she doesnt want you to 'touch' her, she is not attracted to you, therefore she prefers to hang out with her female friend, or guy she's ****ing but she refers to him as my girl friend.

Nothing you can do about it, she's decided she doesnt want to get sexual with you.

 

[thatfeel]

Except we already kissed on the first/second dates, I pulled kino on her, she signaled me she wanted the kiss, and that was that. Same on the second date. Plenty of touching. I'm not sure I buy that exactly but I guess it could be possible.

 

[Trump]

Aight so, this girl I know from work, we went out twice, pretty decent dates. Tonight was the night I was hoping...for the escalation.

Earlier we were going to go to dinner at 6. She asked "Can we push it to 8?". I said yes to this because when I asked her out on this date a few days before she said "I'm busy during the day with family stuff but the evening is fine".

Bro this was a test and you fell for it. "Push it to 8" is a test to see how available you are and apparently you were very available. I wouldn't have responded.

I took the push back to 8 as her just needing more time with her family because maybe she underestimated how much time she would be spending with them.

3 hours later I get the bomb:

"Can we move our date? I'm hanging out with my best friend. She just came back from Hawaii and I haven't seen her in over a month. She went there because her husband physically assaulted her...we are trying to catch up. You can hang out with us later if it's okay."

She might not be lying, but it's still lame as hell. Her friend will always be around after. So do I just tell her "I understand your concern but I've already made the arrangement." or do I just go ghost and ignore her? Idk, I'm interested in her, but I need to learn how to deal with these BS games. I'd rather just shut her the fvck down and be like nope, sorry and show her who she's dealing with.

What do you mean "show her who she is dealing with?" You guys treat these girls as business adversaries or the enemy at WAR. The response is NO RESPONSE. She is slightly second guessing her decision, looking for a better product. You don't put her down, you don't insult her, you don't tell her off, you just disappear.

You guys really need some things to do.

 

[Reykhel]

See that's the problem I have with guys going ghost/NC. In certain situations, not all situations, this can come off as butthurt.

I have a female friend I've known for a very long time. Her top three guy turn offs are, neediness, being self centered and being butthurt. She says weakness in a man is extremely unattractive.

I guess it's a matter of the right action for the situation at the time.

With respect, who gives a fvck what your female friend thinks...

While I no doubt agree with some things she says ie neediness is an ugly human trait.......I'm self centered and I get my needs met quite regularly...of course she doesn't want a Man to be self-centered....it would mean I'd be running after her fvcking needs. Yeah i don't think so

Anyway, that's beside the point...don't you think a man should be congruent with who he is? Self-improvement is all about.....the SELF. Shouldn't a man be congruent with himself and the woman be moulded into his frame?

So, fvck what women (your friend) say they want a man to be....wouldn't the man be changing his identity to live up to her expectations?

The Rational Male: Identitly Crisis

 

[amazingswayze]

she doesnt respect you. game over

 

[Harry Wilmington]

When a woman goes into "flake" mode - like, for example, when they start asking questions like "can we move the date to..." - you have to go into detective mode to see what's up.

When she said "can we move it to 8?" Did you ask why? If not, that was a mistake - you don't just say "yes" to a request without first knowing why. Her answer will help you determine what to say afterward. For example:

HER: Can we move it to 8?
YOU: Hmm, I dunno... why, what's up?
HER: I have a class today and realized it actually ends at 7, not at 5

This answer is situationally reasonable, and warrants leniency from you to change the time. On the other hand...

HER: My friend just got back and wants to hang now.

This situation has her putting her friend before you - no bueno, and not a time to accept an alternative time.

Beyond that, you also have to look at the excuses she gives you behind what she feels is a "reasonable" reason to flake. I find the longer the excuse is, the less believable it is. For example:

HER: I have to cancel our date
YOU: Really, what's up?
HER: I caught a cold at work.

More than likely the truth - a person that's being honest doesn't feel the need to over-explain what's going on with them. On the other hand...

HER: I think I'm coming down with something... I felt fine this morning but now I'm starting to get a sore throat, and my head's hurting, and... oooh, I need to lie down (cough cough)

More than likely a lie - she's giving you a listing of all these things to make her story more plausible to you, but that's what it is: a story.

In this girl's case, she went WAAAAY overboard with the story:

• Hanging with best friend
• Haven't seen her in a month
• Away in Hawaii due to abusive husband (how the heck does this part of the story even sound REMOTELY believable anyway?!?)
• Wanting to catch up

With that said, you have to be careful because you can't call a woman out for lying about something that has any chance of remotely being true.

Anyway... so, when she asks you "Can we cancel?" you have to make a point to her just how much time and thought went into putting the date together, and see if she finds all that - and you - valuable enough to keep the date...

HER: Can we reschedule for another night? My friend blah blah blah...
YOU: I mean, it would be better if we didn't - I booked reservations for us already, and I spent most of this week making sure we'd have a special time on this date. Are you sure you can't catch up with your friend tomorrow?

At this point, she'll either decide to go on the date, in which case KUDOS, you passed a bull-crap test! Or, she may try to guilt you into letting her cancel:

HER: No, I can't - it's been a long, LOOOONG time and she really, REALLY needs this.

At this point... I'll be honest: at this point, the chick is dead to me. But, I'm still cordial:

ME: Okay then, have a good night then
HER: Oh thank you so much - I'll talk to you soon, bye!

Then I hang up, and delete her number. Why? 'Cause she just chose a friend over going out with me, so I know it's a wrap and she's not worth my time.

Why do I say that? Women spend YEARS trying to find a guy to get with. She finally has a shot at doing so, and decides to blow it off for her friends instead? That means she either (a) has low interest in you, or (b) has bad manners. Regardless of which one it is, it's not a woman you need to be wasting time OR money on.

"But what if she hits you up later to ask about another date?" you ask? Unless she's making a plea to take me out AND do physical stuff with me (which I've had happen before ), she can kick rocks.

 

[thatfeel]

Hi folks, field report here. Thanks for your responses, they were all helpful.

I weighed my options and played to the strengths of the situation.

When I got the text about being drunk I replied back and said "already? damn where's the party" got the details and went over. While I was on the way I got a text saying "I might need you to take my home so I can change" because I think they wanted to go out later.

So I met up there with her friend and some other folks at the pool, had a decent time actually, my wit stole the spot light...We swam for a bit, got some kino in, and then the time came to take her to change. Took her back to her apartment where immediately she removed her bikini top/bottom. This is where it kind of sucks. I don't know why but I just couldn't get it up. I attribute this to the "identity crisis" I seem to be going through right now. The woman is attractive but it just wasn't working for me. Got her to go down on me for a bit to get me hard but by the time I got it in, my penis was already overstimulated from all the attempts to get me hard which just killed my boner. Yeah, sucks, but whatever life moves on.

Anyway, later we went to the bar and she got **** faced. I just had a few beers since I'm honestly just over going to bars, getting trashed, and driving drunk. Least my tab wasn't 105 bucks like the beta bucks husband of some couple we were talking to lol. Took her home, she completely passed out, I stayed over and just couldn't get myself interested in the morning to get it up. So that's that. I'll be making another thread looking for input on my "existential crisis"..

To be fair to the whole situation, the girl was right, I did have more fun than just going to dinner, lol.

 

[thatfeel]

Fvck it, go for a threesome

It's all chess really isn't it. chess and calibration..

The answer to this question is the same for most questions about women....don't take any of them too seriously.....transient sources of entertainment that are here today and gone tomorrow......the only constant in this movie is YOU. The only important things are your purpose, your mission, your goals...YOU.

...byatches they come they go....

You've got to love them though....for what they are....not for what we hope they will be; neither the holes they will never fill.....

I'm looking forward to seeing some of your more philosophical-like posts in the future on the forum man. They reach out to my soul in ways I can't describe.

 

[Jaylan]

Sounds like you blew it OP. There are a lot of women who are not forgiving when it comes to guys who give them a bad time in bed the first time or so. And if you didnt go down on her or do something to please her sexually, I doubt you'll get a second chance unless she really likes you.

This is why before I first sleep with a girl, I make sure Im not masturbating, or watching porn. That way I can limit anything that may make me less ready to please her that first night.

 

[thatfeel]

I haven't masturbated or looked at porn in like a week. That's normally more than enough to get me solid. I just have a lot going on in my head. I did go down on her a bit and fingered her but when a girl wants a **** those two don't compare unfortunately. I don't mind having blown it. I'm not sure it will matter that much in the end. Guess we'll see.

 

[aforabi]

Glad that you got laid, but i would not count her as someone who is HIGHLY interested in YOU.

 

[Lozboss]

OP i think you need to chalk this up to a loss.

Also sort this 'softie' situation out asap. Not being able to get it up is going to be a killer.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

With respect, who gives a fvck what your female friend thinks...

While I no doubt agree with some things she says ie neediness is an ugly human trait.......I'm self centered and I get my needs met quite regularly...of course she doesn't want a Man to be self-centered....it would mean I'd be running after her fvcking needs. Yeah i don't think so

Anyway, that's beside the point...don't you think a man should be congruent with who he is? Self-improvement is all about.....the SELF. Shouldn't a man be congruent with himself and the woman be moulded into his frame?

So, fvck what women (your friend) say they want a man to be....wouldn't the man be changing his identity to live up to her expectations?

The Rational Male: Identitly Crisis

Thanks for your curt response. Ill return the favour in due course.

My point wasn't in relation to the man changing his frame to suit a woman. Looking butthurt is IMO a bad look for a guy. Im not interested in coming off as a pouting loser. THAT would damage my frame. And I think that - sometimes - going NC may look like that. Its situation dependent.

 

[Jaylan]

All in all its still a learning experience bro. These things happen and hopefully you'll be able to eliminate any performance problems in the future.

I'd say try a second go round with her and see if you can really rock her world during the rematch.

But even if you don't go for her again you'll have the experience to avoid such experiences with other women.