Gimme advice to help out my man please!

[Elle Kay]

Hello all,

I've been with my partner for 4 years, we're both 23. I love him and could see us together forever BUT there's one BIG problem - the sex! He doesn't get romance is important first, not just sticking it in - it's over too fast and he's not confident in himself, hence me NOT turned on My ex and I had hot sex for 4 hours straight and regularly throughout the day - how do you tell a guy without breaking his ego/confidence that he needs help in this area?

 

[Natch]

Ask him what he wants you to do, then he'll ask you what you think is hot and you can guide him...

 

[zafuhunter]

Natch's suggestion is definitely one way to approach the matter. I had an ex who was more experienced than me who would encourage me to take charge but it never worked because I was missing a very fundamental mindset to be that sort of guy. In hindsight, I regret not having been better able to pleasure her but it was a much needed learning experience for me.

In addition to Natch's suggestion you might want to come up with some way of exposing him to David Shade's Masterful Lover e-book. I bought it awhile ago and though I have yet to put the ideas into practice Shade does an excellent job of explaining the importance of the man taking on the natural role of leader and initiator during sex.

 

[RobLB]

Being a man I would probably recommend you just flat out and tell him but don't laugh when you tell him but try not to be too serious either.Just tell him it's an important factor in your relationship. I think that is the way I would wanna be told. If he values his relationship with you he will try and improve.

Just my two cents

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

Wrong Forum

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Hello all,

I've been with my partner for 4 years, we're both 23. I love him and could see us together forever,..

This is your real problem. Not sex, not "romance", but your mentality.

DJ Math time again - at 23 you've been together for 4 years = You've been with the same guy since you were 19. Ergo, you (and probably he) are using social skill you developed in adolesence and high school. It's time to drop this "see us together forever" romanticized horsesh!t and date other people maturely and non-exclusively until you're 28 and on your way toward achieving the things you'll regret not applying yourself to because you were to wrapped up in a juvenile 'relationship' for 4 years when you were at an age where you had more opportunity.

 

[tmpgstx]

Rollo is spot-on. It will end eventually, sex and romance are such an important key to a long-standing relationship.

LOL! 'romanticized horsesh!t' .. if a girl/woman can envision the future with a partner then she puts all that stock into that one person and then is totally befuddled when things come to a head.

 

[Vulpine]

Without getting too technical about how's and why's guys nut soon... let me just tell you: "take it as a compliment". You get the guy off. You turn him on.

Uh... that being said, it's a wise, wise woman who blows a guy to get the first one off. Why? Because the second one takes much, much longer to come.

*in Forest Gump voice*
"That's all I have to saay about thaaat."

 

[Bonhomme]

This is a clear case of "doing unto others what you would want them to do unto you" not being the right thing to do. He has no experience outside your relationship.

I concur with the first three responses. He needs a bit of education, but it needs to be done with a bit of finesse.

I've always enjoyed the romance, myself. He just might, once he gets a taste of it.

 

[ElChoclo]

Romance is important first? We could probably advise better if we knew what your definition of romance is. It could be that you are a romancosexual, which is not really an uncommon fetish amongst women.

I would suggest that you confide in your boyfriend that you have a lot of trouble with sex and that you need special treatment to enable you to enjoy it. Make it your problem if your're worried about him feeling rejected.

If he is premature then you might need to take Vulpine's advice. If you are 23 and dated for 4 years are we to assume that you were having your 4 hour sex sessions when you were 19 or younger? Is this your definition of romance?

You should probably indicate how long it took you to orgasm with your ex if you seriously want advice. We rarely get such requests on this forum so, unfortunately, though my advice is valid, I'm having difficulty accepting your credibility.

 

[Latinoman]

4 hours sessions = romance? LOL. Give me a break!

And I will break the news for you...a man that last 4 hours without cumming is one that has done the masturbation thing for a very long time (or have other kind of aids) or simply...you don't turn him off enough.

Unless you mean 4 hour sessions = 30 minutes of sex with some another 30 minutes (for reloading) and a couple of hours of foreplay and perhaps another session of 45 minutes of sex.

That's possible.

If he cums too soon (what is too soon? 1 hour? 5 minutes? 3 minutes?) if he is not romantic (define for us what is romantic)...then you should do what one of the guys above advised: you can make it "your" problem and tell him that you need some kind of "special" attention to get you off. His ego will remain intact.

By the way...is it me or doesn't this sound kind of odd? "4 year relationship"...and NOW you have issues with his lovemaking? Especially after being with a man that did the 4 hours session? I smell a troll.

 

[Elle Kay]

Holy crap didn't expect so many replies - THANKYOU!!! Told him - think it's more issues of insecurity in every area not just sex - never holds an opinion of his own in case of offending anyone, just too NICE if that makes sense. Said I wanted a guy whose more direct, not as ******* but just more self assured. He actually thanked me and agreed that he tends to cut himself down a bit and all's going to change - WOOHOO! To try and answer your comments - I meant 4 hours sessions with my ex (no, not what I'd call 'romance' was just talking about wanting decent sex) and as for a definition of romance - candles, atmosphere, sense of humour - the usual girly requests I spose Zafuhunter your point about men taking the lead role/initiator is right, it's a turn on to have a guy who has the balls to take control and vice versa but as I've read in some of the advice on these posts, its the guys who read our smaller msgs e.g. walking past u to ask how the footy is going = request for sex that makes all the difference. Other issue is he's becoming a cop so he's away each week and I only see him on the weekend for 1 1/2 days Guess it's over (10 mins I'm not kidding) so fast coz tensions been building all week but he doesn't have much of a drive to have more sex later on - how can I change this? Thanks again for all your replies, they've helped a lot!

 

[Elle Kay]

One more thing...

This won't become a novel but forgot to also say, I've always had issues with the sex in this relationship and have brought it up before with him - think I wasn't attacking the right issues tho e.g. self confidence issues. I've stayed with him for this long because every other part of him fulfills my criteria for a great guy to be with and if you're thinkin long term relationship, you've got to be selfish and think of what YOU really want before making any sacrifices.

 

[Heretolearn]

This site is all about taking responsibility for your actions

You should too! You have to make the sex good. It is your sex too fool!

Tell him what you want, create your own situations. Make a comfortable situation for him to express himself. There is an animal in every person, you just need to create the jungle.

How is different for everyone.

Your words 'I need/want a man who does this' = doom for the relationship. You need to make it in your partners best interest to change for him not you. Otherwise you tip the power scales irreparably and you shall get a more submissive man even though he does what you want. Then you wake up oneday and say 'where has the hunger gone, I feel like I am with my brother even though he does everything I ask of him now'