gf with guy friend, i have the urge

[tryst type]

my gf went to visit an old co-worker friend from an old job this afternoon. this guy has recently (maybe a month now) gotten out of a long serious relationship.

my gf has been gone since the afternoon and i havent heard from her since she was on her way. i feel like sending her a text asking if she's still there or if she's ok because i havent heard anything but i think this would come off the wrong way, should i just let it be and go to bed?

 

[Phyzzle]

No, it's not really a good habit to have to talk to her several times a day. It may be one of the things that's driving her away from you.

Judging from your other threads, your relationship won't last much longer anyways. For a long time, she has kept you updated on this other guy who clearly wants her bad, and other than that, she doesn't seem to like keeping in touch with you so much anymore. Don't fool yourself: prepare for the worst.

 

[rocco]

wow. i would be so jealous if my gf did that.

 

[tryst type]

In a situation like this is it safe to ask why she was with him so late or just ask if she enjoyed herself and see if she talks about her day?

 

[NewMan]

You've got a choice.

1) Ask her lots of questions - dig for information - act jealous and generally come off likme an AFC chump

2) Take the higher ground. Go about your life the way YOU want to live it. Let her initiate and be above all this sh#t

3) Move on if she is not giving you want you want.

 

[Mr. Me]

In a situation like this is it safe to ask why she was with him so late or just ask if she enjoyed herself and see if she talks about her day?

It's unproductive is what it is.

Say she's cheating on you. So you ask her questions - and she lies in her answers. What have you accomplished? You still won't know if what you're hearing is truthful or if it's partly true but she's omitting certain facts. If she is cheating, now she'll know you suspect and be more diligent in covering her tracks. And, like the others have pointed out, you'll just come across as insecure or jealous. Watch how she ridicules you for that, instead of acknowledging that she shouldn't be visiting other men.

Look at it this way instead. She went to see this guy. If she really valued being with you, she wouldn't jeopardize her relationship with you over some co-worker, even if it was innocent. The very fact that she visited him, her actions alone, demonstrate that you're not that high on her priority list. Save yourself some heartache and DTB.

 

[tryst type]

Half her friends are guys since way before me its just in this situation she was out later than usual

 

[Mr. Me]

Half her friends are guys since way before me its just in this situation she was out later than usual

That you know about. The other times when she got in 20 minutes at Starbucks with this guy or that guy, the times she was out shopping and called another guy to meet up with her while she shopped, yadda, yadda... I'm not saying this is what happened but I'm just trying to edify you that a lot more can go on that you're not aware of without it being obvious to you.

So let's say you adopt a dog that sometimes attacks other dogs. Would you be surprised if some day your pet suddenly attacks another dog? In the same manner, you take on a girlfriend that likes to have lots of guy friends. Well, guys that are friends with girls will usually bang them given the chance as a rule (please don't bother with pointing out the occasional exception to the rule). And girls that like lots of guys are women who like the male attention. And things can and will happen from that point. And then you find yourself like in the situation you're in. Or worse.

So what are you going to do? Everytime she's out or late or doesn't answer her phone, will you wonder if she's with someone else? That's no way to live.

My point was that her actions speak about her. Your plan was to see if you can get her to spill the beans. I'm saying it accomplishes nothing worthwhile to do that. I know this is uncomfortable, but this is part of being a man and managing your life. You can't make something wrong into something right. She's showing that she's not the right person for you. She seems to have one foot out of the relationship. You have to beat her to it and get out first.

Now, let's assume I'm entirely wrong and that her visit is an innocent one. If you end the relationship with her, but she's actually crazy about you and innocent, and sees that her dubious actions spurred this to happen, she'll do anything to get you back and amend her ways, having learned a lesson about the fragility of relationships. How do you lose?

 

[tryst type]

I've already proclaimed that its not fair she has guy friends and me consider her feelings if I were to hang out with the opposite sex. I've already arranged two meetings with girl friends since we've had this issue first hand and she doesn't like it one bit. Which I knew she wouldn't once presented for her to see where I'm coming from.

She's told me that she's not going to stop making new friends bc she has a bf and I mean I don't expect her too that wouldn't make sense, bc that's how I feel as well. Unless I'm wrong here?

 

[wjh]

She's told me that she's not going to stop making new friends bc she has a bf and I mean I don't expect her too that wouldn't make sense, bc that's how I feel as well. Unless I'm wrong here?

She's not going to stop making new male friends because that is the source of her validation (male attention). Your love, your companionship, your essence, are not enough to satisfy her.

My guess is that she's young and a typical branch-swinger. Cutting off her male AFC orbiters (AKA male "friends") is cutting off her potential Bigger Better Deal (BBD).

To put it bluntly, she doesn't feel you're good enough for her and she has to make sure that she has her options open should they present themselves to her.

Sorry to say man. Just don't be surprised if at any time she hurls some lame excuse for dumping you ("you're too controlling", in this case) and plays the victim role only to quickly jump into the arms of another man.

This is all classic behavior.

 

[tryst type]

To put it bluntly, she doesn't feel you're good enough for her and she has to make sure that she has her options open should they present themselves to her.

so is this the case with EVERY girl who has male friends then? because i dont know any girl with just female friends.

 

[Mr. Me]

If the nature of the friendship is because she needs and seeks male attention, then it's a flag. This is the kind of stuff you need to figure out about the women you date prior to getting into relationships with them. There are women who have females as the majority of their friends rather then males, and any males are kept at a respectable distance in their social lives when she's involved with someone.

In your current situation, she's basically telling you that you're secondary. Interesting that she doesn't like the same treatment. You'd have to wonder why she'd object to you doing it, yet feels it's okay for her to do, if it's all so innocent. It suggests that she's projecting her not-so-noble motives into your actions. Anyhow, your feelings don't count to her. If they did, she wouldn't be telling you that she's gonna do what she wants to do no matter how it makes you feel.

Were a woman to say that to me, my reply would be, "Okay". And I'd walk away. For one thing, you can't change anybody. For another thing, I'd see she's not for me. Why would I want to persist with someone like that?

Imagine, for a moment, a woman who's crazy about you. Imagine what she would act like, how she would talk, what she would say. Paint a picture of that in your mind's eye. Now compare.

 

[Bourne]

It is what it is man.

Being on both sides of the situtation.
One where I was younger and jealous and believed in the mentality of when Harry Met Sally that guy and girl can't be friends. Basically every relationship I was in ended up in the dumpster because of my controlling jealous old ways.

Now I have female friends and my g/f acts like I did before.

Remember there is always two sides of any coin.

Go about your life and keep living the best life YOU live. You will know soon enough if your g/f fits into your life or not.

 

[tryst type]

Reason she gives for not liking me hanging out with other girls is because in the beginning I told her I wouldn't be friends with a girl unless I was interested (which is true I've said this and still believe it) but I figured if she's going to do it, why not make it fair.

 

[bigjohnson]

Half her friends are guys ....

Attention Whore and Drama Queen alarms activated ... next. She sounds like a typical feminist western girl - keep her for the one thing she's good for and find something better at the same time. Should be easy since she's not around that much anyway.

 

[Ana1106]

I also think your girl is looking for something bigger and better.

If she was really interesting she would eliminate or atleast reduce the men around her.

But eliminating men in her social sphere also means eliminating her options. And most women aren't gonna do that unless they feel secure and satisfied in the relationship.

You don't want to be the dog that waits by the door. Dogs are loyal and will wait for it's master to come home after a hard days work. By waiting for her and worrying she's become your master.

 

[sodbuster]

I had a female friend who was out later than she was supposed to be. She asked what she should do. I told her "go home and rape her husband and he won't say a word". She did, he didn't, she was out the next weekend. Divorced in 6 months. I never hit it because She had 2 kids.

If you really want to know, get the panties she wore tonight. There are DNA testing sites that can find residual sperm and compare it to yours[on the web]. BUT as far as I'm concerned DTB.

 

[decades]

sounds like she wears the pants in your relationship and you're ok with that. also I would google "codependency" because that's the behavior you've evolved to with the Jealousy making GF you have.

 

[KingBeef]

That you know about. The other times when she got in 20 minutes at Starbucks with this guy or that guy, the times she was out shopping and called another guy to meet up with her while she shopped, yadda, yadda... I'm not saying this is what happened but I'm just trying to edify you that a lot more can go on that you're not aware of without it being obvious to you.

So let's say you adopt a dog that sometimes attacks other dogs. Would you be surprised if some day your pet suddenly attacks another dog? In the same manner, you take on a girlfriend that likes to have lots of guy friends. Well, guys that are friends with girls will usually bang them given the chance as a rule (please don't bother with pointing out the occasional exception to the rule). And girls that like lots of guys are women who like the male attention. And things can and will happen from that point. And then you find yourself like in the situation you're in. Or worse.

So what are you going to do? Everytime she's out or late or doesn't answer her phone, will you wonder if she's with someone else? That's no way to live.

My point was that her actions speak about her. Your plan was to see if you can get her to spill the beans. I'm saying it accomplishes nothing worthwhile to do that. I know this is uncomfortable, but this is part of being a man and managing your life. You can't make something wrong into something right. She's showing that she's not the right person for you. She seems to have one foot out of the relationship. You have to beat her to it and get out first.

Now, let's assume I'm entirely wrong and that her visit is an innocent one. If you end the relationship with her, but she's actually crazy about you and innocent, and sees that her dubious actions spurred this to happen, she'll do anything to get you back and amend her ways, having learned a lesson about the fragility of relationships. How do you lose?

Well said