GF upset after I told her she can't move in

[Paintballguy]

A little back story before I delve into this...

I've been dating my GF for about a year-ish. So far, she's been pretty cool with no really big issues until recently. I just bought a new house, and she was assuming that she'd just move right in with me. That is until I straight up said that I thought it wouldn't be a good idea, and I didn't want her to move in with me.

After I dropped that bomb, she started trying to guilt trip me which is a lost cause because I'm immune to that bs. Also, she got all upset and claimed that she assumed I wanted her to move in. I basically told her that it's nothing to do with our relationship, and it was just my decision which she has to respect.

I think she really wants to get away from some family issues, and I don't want to be capt save-a-hoe. I'm just not sure if I should just end the relationship too. Thoughts?

 

[backbreaker]

this isn't about he rmoving in bro.

this is about her questioning "where you are" in the relationship.

she thinks she's rounding 2nd going to third and you are telling her that after a year she has a stand up single.


i'm not saying it's right or wrong i don't give a ****. but you need to address the real issue with her. if you like her and you want to be with her as long as you re assure her of that, she should be fine.

this on it's own would be a silly ass reason to break up, just a miscommuncaiton of where you are in the relationship. As long as you assure her htat there is in fact, some type of grand plan (assuming of course, there is one) ishe isn't going anywhere. she just wants to know it's going somewhere.

 

[Paintballguy]

this isn't about he rmoving in bro.

this is about her questioning "where you are" in the relationship.

she thinks she's rounding 2nd going to third and you are telling her that after a year she has a stand up single.


i'm not saying it's right or wrong i don't give a ****. but you need to address the real issue with her. if you like her and you want to be with her as long as you re assure her of that, she should be fine.

this on it's own would be a silly ass reason to break up, just a miscommuncaiton of where you are in the relationship. As long as you assure her htat there is in fact, some type of grand plan (assuming of course, there is one) ishe isn't going anywhere. she just wants to know it's going somewhere.

I agree that a big part of it is wanting to know where I'm at, but she is continuing to make a huge deal about the moving in thing. She keeps asking me for reasons why, and she's trying to equate me not wanting her to move in to me not liking her.

 

[Kailex]

You're leaving out something very important from the equation... which I am going to infer...

She still lives with her family? Or is she living on her own?

I'm going to assume she is living with her family since you mentioned "family issues"... do NOT do it, no matter what she says or uses against you. Do NOT let her move in with you for those reasons. Ever... EVER.

She sounds like she's old enough to get her own job and move out into a place of her own. If she doesn't like it... tough. You can find someone else who will respect that the house is in your name.

 

[NSUballer]

One of my best friends bought a house and started dating a girl around the same time and moved her in after TWO months. At least you're not as desperate as him..

They still live together 2 years later but he has no life outside of her and work. It's pathetic. Don't be that guy..

 

[disgustipated]

Keep screening her harder and harder. Be absolutely sure that this girl is solid...I would even say if you're the marrying type, that you should be sure that you would marry a girl before you let her move in. If marriage ain't your thing then you still gotta be sure about her.
BB is right. Let her know what issues are causing you to think its not the rigght tim, if ever, for her to move in. It can give her some tangible things to work on in the meantime.

After a year with my current gf I've decided its an absolute no go for me on cohabitating. I need much more time of her behaving well for longer stretches of time to consider it.

Seriously, I wouldve loved to seen the look on her face when you burst her bubble.

 

[Married Buried]

It's over bro. Once you tell them they can't move in, the relationship is over in their mind. She will be shopping for a new guy, and then you are gone.

Believe me on this.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Paint Ball,
You certainly have your act together....Firstly and most importantly in buying a home.....It's my belief that your timing is perfect,try and lock your interest rate in....Secondly in not letting this Lady in,once they have their feet under your table,you become so vulnerable...You have scrimped and saved,gone without lots to get where you are,why risk it all now..I think it's a good idea to move a boarder in,helps with the mortgage,gives good reasons for avoiding pressure from a Woman wanting to share your assetts...Anyway,this Bird has the message,you will certainly know where you stand in a few weeks!

 

[donking]

move in = pay rent if u decide to keep this one

 

[Three]

I'll go along with the rest here: you are doing the right thing in not letting her move in. If she isn't independent and supporting herself already, she is nowhere near ready to be your partner. Trust me: been there, done that, got the divorce settlement.

I get that she may be offended if she made some assumptions, but if she can't understand that you're not there yet in your relationship, then maybe she's not gonna work out...

 

[VladPatton]

Red Lasers, Not Flags!

The fact that she just arrogantly assumed she will move in, not contribute to your mortgage/taxes, and act like a married couple only to squeeze you into a future engagement is fücking appalling, man. THIS is why she is pissed. She saw a smooth, paved road to marriage shortly. Hell, you got the house already! I've seen this text book bullshıt many, many times. Guys just figure it's how it is "supposed" to be. Five years later they are bellyaching about how big a mess their lives are.

I commend you for sticking to your guns. Be prepared for her to hit the big red Nuke button on this relationship. There will be many people siding with her and you will be labeled a dıck, blah blah. Hold your house sacred, no one can tell you jack shıt on what to do.

Good luck, man.

 

[Colossus]

You just tipped her [in]security equation too far to the left with your decision.

I'm not saying you should change it; I think you made the right call. Personally I don't believe in living with a female unless you are married. This is for pragmatic reasons too, not morality.

But basically this is a predictable scenario where the female needs to have some regular reassurance of the 'forward' direction of your relationship. And here's why:

Girls know instinctively that they will not be marketable forever---they have a "shelf life" of sorts and her female brain cant abide just wasting a year or more of her life with a guy who doesn't want to move forward with her. In her mind, moving in with you once you bought a new house is just a logical next step. When you told her no, you undermined her security in the relationship and now she is feeling uneasy about your future together. In her female mind this can only be about HER, not your own principles. So now she is going to do what almost any girl would do and nag the fvck out of you until she can have her fears confirmed, or until you can frame it in such a way that revives her security in the relationship. It's not so much about you---Paintballguy---as it is about her future. Kind of the unpleasant but reliable truth.

I'd say if she continues to break your balls about it, dump her. She may carry it around and periodically lash out at you for it, making you miserable and her MORE miserable because you don't wanna hang around her. You see, oftentimes women will self-destruct a relationship by means of attrition. They will peck and nag and b!tch at you until you snap because they are insecure about something, but they don't realize that is the worst possible way to address problems with a man. Such is life. If she doesn't get it, you have no choice but to move on.

 

[backbreaker]

let's flip the scenerio here

let's say you are at a job. and you have worked there for 2 years. there are a new job opening there that would be a big promotion for you and you know that hte other 5 guys that are open for the job you have way more expeirence than and you are better than. you pretty much assue you have this new posiiton

then they hire one of the other 5 guys. how are you ghoing to field? betryaed? lied to? led on? ****ed over? of course. that's human nature to an extent


however, you will eventually get over it, figure out what you need to do to move forward / move up and do that and accept reality at some point.


what am i saying? you just rocked this girls world of course she's going to lash. **** i would lash. give her that.. to an extent. but if it consists after a period of time you might seriously want to think about leaving. if i had an employee, ****, i have had an employee that got pissy because i would not make him my project manager and thought he deserved it but i didn't think he was a good fit and instead of just working and collecting his money he got mad and starting arguing with me and **** so i told him to leave.

Understand she's going through a process. but she SHOULD re adjust and move forward eventually

 

[The Duke]

A little back story before I delve into this...

I've been dating my GF for about a year-ish. So far, she's been pretty cool with no really big issues until recently. I just bought a new house, and she was assuming that she'd just move right in with me. That is until I straight up said that I thought it wouldn't be a good idea, and I didn't want her to move in with me.

After I dropped that bomb, she started trying to guilt trip me which is a lost cause because I'm immune to that bs. Also, she got all upset and claimed that she assumed I wanted her to move in. I basically told her that it's nothing to do with our relationship, and it was just my decision which she has to respect.

I think she really wants to get away from some family issues, and I don't want to be capt save-a-hoe. I'm just not sure if I should just end the relationship too. Thoughts?

This is all pretty typical female behavior. She thought she would just go ahead and "assume" it would be okay instead of coming straight out and asking. This is the path of least resistance and women become uncomfortable in confrontations. She knows most men are weak and would have let her get by with what she was trying to pull off. Her little plan backfired. She didn't get her way. Women are always looking for security, And shacking up with you would have provided that and then some.

All her crying, guilt tripping, bittching, and questioning that she is doing now is just noise. She got her feelers hurt a little, but she will get over it. If she can't, she is definitely not worth having.

When all this smoke blows over, she will look up to you and respect you more as a man for not bowing down.

My girl was giving me some drama a few months back while she was living with me.(I was making her pay $600 rent as well!) ;-) Any how, I gave her 3 warnings to correct her behavior and told her on the 4th she would be out. So when the 4th meltdown came, I kicked her out, and heard all sorts of b.s. about how i didn't want to be with her. Blah blah blah. Made her get her own place and take all of her crap.

I was the devil for about 3weeks but she got over it. She now knows I am for real and I am the one in charge and if she can't act right then she will be set on the curb with the trash. She learned her lesson. She respects me more than she ever has before. She keeps her emotions in check these days.

Make them earn every single inch you give them. That is the only way they will ever appreciate it and respect you. If you are all that and they think you are the greatest thing to walk the planet, then they will step up to the plate. If not then they'll give up and go elsewhere saving you a bunch of issues down the road.

 

[Epimanes]

Do not move in together unless you plan on marrying her. Moving in together before marriage is a curse. People who live together before marriage have the highest rate of divorce.

 

[bluenorther]

Women keep wanting me to move in with THEM! I won't even discuss it anymore. The last time I tried it, 19 years ago, she turned out to be a psycho and I had to escape with my skin after 9 weeks. The housing around my area is so precarious, I can't afford to let go of what I have now. I certainly cannot risk getting booted out after some stupid argument.
A woman who invades YOUR home is destined to become the legal owner after the divorce is final. You get to keep paying the mortgage, and she pays nothing. Too many men become so desperate to buy off their psycho exes, they'll give anything, and that's a danger sign. The exes won't STAY bought, they keep coming back for more. A man needs to learn how to say NO when she's grabbing all the loot she can get.

 

[Colossus]

^ Also a good point. Do not EVER put your living situation in the hands of a female. That may sound flat out sexist, but I have rented from women who own apartments/homes and it was a big freaking mistake. You cant put yourself in a situation where you can be HOMELESS on someone else's emotional whim.

 

[penkitten]

oh dear. how young is she?

where in the world did she ever get any indication that she would be moving into your house? she just assumed because she has been dating you for a little while that you purchasing a home would equal her moving in immediately?
bless her heart. she thought you were buying the house for her. to move her in and marry her.

so here's what I can tell you:
she is going to harp on you about it, try to make you feel guilty , fight with you about it and even cry about it until you either give in or you flat out tell her exactly what purchasing your new home means for you, and you guys discuss where your relationship stands, what your future entails. (just like backbreaker said)

there are at least a million things that people need to grow up and do and experience before they move in with someone they are dating.
like living on your own for a few years , paying your own bills , cooking , cleaning, maintaining your own place.

those are things that she needs to be thinking about.... not wedding bells yet.

 

[Paintballguy]

oh dear. how young is she?

where in the world did she ever get any indication that she would be moving into your house? she just assumed because she has been dating you for a little while that you purchasing a home would equal her moving in immediately?
bless her heart. she thought you were buying the house for her. to move her in and marry her.

so here's what I can tell you:
she is going to harp on you about it, try to make you feel guilty , fight with you about it and even cry about it until you either give in or you flat out tell her exactly what purchasing your new home means for you, and you guys discuss where your relationship stands, what your future entails. (just like backbreaker said)

there are at least a million things that people need to grow up and do and experience before they move in with someone they are dating.
like living on your own for a few years , paying your own bills , cooking , cleaning, maintaining your own place.

those are things that she needs to be thinking about.... not wedding bells yet.

21 and yes you and the other posters here are spot on. She's been crying about it and trying to blow it up since I made the first post. I've basically maintained my position about it being my decision, and she can leave if she doesn't like it.

I'm about ready to just hit the eject button on this whole relationship.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm about ready to just hit the eject button on this whole relationship.

I had to do that with a 34 year old. Over the course of the 9 months we were together, I was constantly making it clear that I had no desire to live with another woman nor get married at that point in my life. Telling her that just made her want it more. She tried to guilt trip me into it by telling me "I have to decide if I want kids or not if I'm going to stay with you". Then she tells my dad she gave me an "ultimatum". Of course my dad thinks she's fvcked up and let's me know this.

A couple weeks later, I ended it. I told her that she needs to make that decision without my influence. I told her AGAIN that I didn't want to live with anybody nor get married. She asked me "Well, what's the point of 30-somethings getting together?" I answered with "To enjoy each others company?" She got fvcking mad, made a mess in my living room, then peeled off in her car.

It's likely going to come down to you ending it. The fact that she's 21 shows that she still has a 5hit load of growing up to do.