GF reframing freeze outs

[odysseus84]

Hi folks,

I've got a minor issue with my girlfriend (with whom the relationship is otherwise going well). Nevertheless, when she does or says something I don't tolerate, usually I just confront her directly about it. This works very well. Sometimes however I just divert my attention/affection after it. When doing this, she tends to ask me soon "are you now mad at me?" or "are you sulking?". However, I'm NOT exhibiting any "five year old" sulky behaviour at all, I'm merely diverting my attention elsewhere.

The problem is that when presented with this kind of question, it becomes a bit of "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. In the past I've always replied calmly something like "no, how so?", after which she continues bugging me about it and saying that I "seem different than normally".

Now, obviously I wish to handle this stuff without adding negativity to the relationship. Any insights on about how to go about handling these situations gracefully?

 

[Greasy Pig]

I'd be interested to see replies too.
My GF does the same thing. But I think my mistake is that I stick around and withdraw attention.
It may be more effective to just get out of the house if she pysses you off. You actually may have to physically not be around for this method to have full effect.

 

[Fireballs]

It can be hard to withdraw attention when she acts up without looking like a sulking beta. I have also done this in the past but now I just divert my attention elsewhere. I go and do yard work until late and not eat dinner with her or go and do some other work but I still talk to her when she asks me something but I just give brief short answers. I don't reward her bad behaviour with my attention by giving her a conversation.

I would also like to hear how other people on here successfully withdraw attention without appearing to sulk.

 

[mangotot]

If breaking rapport is not working, the way is to confront the issue and tell her you do not tolerate such behaviour. And if that is still not doing the trick, it may be time to move on.

 

[Dhoulmagus]

There's another guy

 

[odysseus84]

There's another guy

Seriously, wtf? No there isn't. Did you even read the question or the title? This was a question about a minor aspect of running a LTR which is otherwise going well.

While I greatly, greatly appreciate insights, I unfortunately can't see what is accomplished by comments such as this. At best, it only helps in making people more paranoid about their relationships and makes random readers start to question their own (fine) relationships if they believe that anything in my question indicates such a serious disloyalty.

 

[mangotot]

^ The advice above 'I don't need this' and exiting the room is good advice.

 

[Meisterman]

I would laugh it off and say "Hahah nah why would you say that?" Or "Why would I be mad at you?" then continue rewarding her with the attention she deserves. Since attention is your currency, if she disrespects you it's okay to withdrawal attention. But if she asks you don't admit it to her. And it has nothing to do with playing games and everything to do with self respect.

If a dog ate your cake and sh*t in the house when you left to do errands you wouldn't reward that dog for their behavior would you? But dogs don't understand language, they will understand your actions towards them though. Eventually they'll stop eating you're cake because they know you don't tolerate it. You sorta gotta think about it that way.

But don't try to explain things to her. As soon as you do you enter her frame. Just act how you need to act towards her, without explanation, and give her the attention she's earned. That's the only language women understand.

 

[odysseus84]

This is one of the cases where your normal state does not bring congruence to your withdrawal actions.

Ultimately, this means either change your personality, or change your tactics. For this, it would be easier to change your tactics.

First off, her saying "sulky" is very condescending. Just the use of that one word alone tells me that the relationship has frame issues. With the limited information we have, here is what I would do if I were you.

When your gf gets b1tchy, or does whatever she is doing to prompt your freeze-outs, you respond with "I don't need this...." and walk away or leave to go do other things.

She of course will respond either immediately, or stew and run her hamster for awhile wondering what you meant by that. Really you need to just walk away instead of doing a "freeze-out". However as long as you continue to have frame-battles, you will likely have to leave for a better LTR prospect if that is what you are looking for.

Danger, thank you for the great reply! This is something I've been considering myself too: maybe my personality is the issue. While with the limited info I've given it might seem so, there aren't really any major issues with her (if one got such a picture, it was something "lost in translation", my error). We're both extremely happy about our relationship, but as I'm trying to always improve myself, I'm also committed to make my relationships even better.

This question was more of an "academic curiosity" because I've seen that something that seems to be an effective way to communicate for others only results in problems with for me.

 

[odysseus84]

I would laugh it off and say "Hahah nah why would you say that?" Or "Why would I be mad at you?" then continue rewarding her with the attention she deserves. Since attention is your currency, if she disrespects you it's okay to withdrawal attention. But if she asks you don't admit it to her. And it has nothing to do with playing games and everything to do with self respect.

If a dog ate your cake and sh*t in the house when you left to do errands you wouldn't reward that dog for their behavior would you? But dogs don't understand language, they will understand your actions towards them though. Eventually they'll stop eating you're cake because they know you don't tolerate it. You sorta gotta think about it that way.

But don't try to explain things to her. As soon as you do you enter her frame. Just act how you need to act towards her, without explanation, and give her the attention she's earned. That's the only language women understand.

Yeah, this is pretty much exactly the way I've been handling it. My direct communication works well, but I've understood, that women in general understand covert communication such as this better. Hmm, food for the thought!

 

[bukowski_merit]

"I'm not having this conversation."

Then stick to your words. Don't bend.... Let the situation become about you saying that.... That's much better than the situation being about her intuition picking up that you're mad at her or sulking.



"I'm not answering that question"

Is another one.



These are good ways to deal with double binds (where it doesn't matter how you answer - it's going to be the wrong answer.) Change the argument or change the situation....



I'd much rather a woman be mad at me for being an @sshole to her; than her questioning if I'm sulking...

 

[Dhoulmagus]

Seriously, wtf? No there isn't. Did you even read the question or the title? This was a question about a minor aspect of running a LTR which is otherwise going well.

While I greatly, greatly appreciate insights, I unfortunately can't see what is accomplished by comments such as this. At best, it only helps in making people more paranoid about their relationships and makes random readers start to question their own (fine) relationships if they believe that anything in my question indicates such a serious disloyalty.

Anyway, thank you (and others!) for the input. I'm intrigued to see whether someone has solved this in their relationship. As others have noted as well, this kind of passive way has its problems and is the reason why I also prefer to use direct confrontation myself. It's interesting however that passive tactics such as freeze out and soft nexting are advised very much as "the" successful method for running relationships...

Lol it was a joke, chill bro. Edit: I just read your other topic and I fear my joke might have had some truth. It seems like your girl is spinning you and that friend of hers right now. Plus, your reaction to my joke seemed liked some denial/paranoid defense mechanism. Unless, you are talking about a different girl in that other topic.

 

[odysseus84]

These are good ways to deal with double binds (where it doesn't matter how you answer - it's going to be the wrong answer.) Change the argument or change the situation....

Seems to be solid advice about social interactions. Thanks!

Lol it was a joke, chill bro. Edit: I just read your other topic and I fear my joke might have had some truth. It seems like your girl is spinning you and that friend of hers right now. Plus, your reaction to my joke seemed liked some denial/paranoid defense mechanism. Unless, you are talking about a different girl in that other topic.

Heh, okay. So I misjudged you for a paranoid. Kind of difficult to know whether joking or serious here, so many bitter/burned ppl around. And nah, this one is a stable 25yo asian girl.

 

[AttackFormation]

What about agreeing and amplifying? "How'd you know? you broke my little toe in a dream. I don't think I can talk to you again"

 

[odysseus84]

What about agreeing and amplifying? "How'd you know? you broke my little toe in a dream. I don't think I can talk to you again"

Hmm