GF needing a break with an ultimatum

[TheTraveller]

This seems like a break at high-level, but here are the details that I'd really appreciate some opinions on.

We've been dating seriously for 5 months, exclusive, love is there, etc. We've gotten close on many levels and lots of attraction is there.

Yet, she definitely is mildly autistic and because of this she is hard to read at times, esp. in social situations/when talking to her. This is because I'm an expressive guy who has various highs and lows in conversations and life. Thus we are quite opposite here. She had a rough time growing up (father physically abusive to her, mother divorced twice, her neighbor was trying to sexually abuse her, moved around in family a lot, not many friends even now) but she a strong and smart girl.

She's listened and been there for my support as I'm going through a rough time in my career. I was fired two weeks ago from my job and i'm trying to figure out my career path right now, unemployed and this is a huge change for me. never happened before.

She has this bizarre admiration for animals. For example, her cat attacked my head, I freaked (hate cats!) but she just really showed concern for the damn cat.

Although it seemed like I was putting my own self-interests above the relationship when I would, weekly (every few days) freak about something in my life to my GF, I had no idea this was occuring. It was my social dynamic that I grew up with at home. I've learned it cannot exist in this relationship - expressing emotions and having a GF solve everything.

I've told her I recognize this and am willing to change for me. She's accepted that, but because of her make or break grad school exams in the next month and a half, she said that she cannot afford to risk getting wrapped up in any type of conversation with me in person right now. She said until I get my stuff together we are just friends/buds. I told her I don't do friends, and that we have to both be in this relationship together. I'm not going to contact her. I'll let her chase me.

She told me this over the phone and her best friend had to take over most of the conversation because she was too upset. Sure made me feel just like a kid again. She's 30. I'm 29.

She's very adamant about her best friend and mom being there for me now, as she apparently can only be a friend right now, talking on the phone and not in person until I deal with my anxiety in certain conversations. I know she's not cheating. She said I can date others right now but she is not dating. She's always said I can date others if that's what makes me happy. She is just so logical and silly in what she says sometimes - we are both guilty of this.

I was willing to see how things were once this very stressful time was through, but giving me this ultimatum of being friends with only phone contact, and the fact that we can only meet in person once I've progressed with therapy for my anxiety seems unreasonable. It hurts.

What's a man to do?

 

[speed dawg]

Good grief, dude. You're depressing the heck out of me just reading your post. No wonder she left you.

She had a rough time growing up (father physically abusive to her, mother divorced twice, her neighbor was trying to sexually abuse her, moved around in family a lot, not many friends even now) but she a strong and smart girl.

They all say this crap.

Although it seemed like I was putting my own self-interests above the relationship when I would, weekly (every few days) freak about something in my life to my GF, I had no idea this was occuring. It was my social dynamic that I grew up with at home. I've learned it cannot exist in this relationship - expressing emotions and having a GF solve everything.

You're right. You're very needy, and nothing kills attraction and female interest levels like neediness. Chalk this one up as a learning experience, and go find other girls who will respect you in tough times.

There's an art to this. We all go through tough times. And we all want our gf/wives to be there for us. But you still have to be a man and remain strong and masculine. It's a fine line.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Girlfriends are a waste of your time and effort, which should be directed 110% to finding a new job and fixing yourself. A gf will never do this for you, what they do is provide a comfortable warm blanket that validates you to yourself, regardless of how fvcked up you are, and ensures your continued mediocrity.

You are unemployed in a horrible economy. It is sink or swim time, and the less you have weighing you down, the more likely you are to swim. Get a gf when you are stable in your own life and ready to be a positive influence in someone else's, otherwise you are just distracting yourself from what you SHOULD be doing.

In the meantime, you must respect yourself as well. Her exams are a valid place for her entire focus, but if she considered you a stable "rock" kind of man, she would find comfort in your strength in this time instead of pushing you away. Be that as it may, does it not strike you that she is "taking a break" at the same time that you lost your job? I've been in that spot before, losing a job is a crippling blow to a man and if you have a gf at the time, it will inevitably cause problems in your relationship as your confidence and strength becomes insecurity and neediness. It never rains, but it pours.

My suggestion to you is to stay single and focus on the work in front of you, which is getting a job and improving yourself. If you don't like things about yourself, fix yourself like a man. But you cannot do this in a relationship, they are too comfortable.

"Alone and without his nest shall the eagle fly across the sun."

To become who you want to be, you must push your comfort zone, face the things that terrify you in broad daylight, and never say die.

 

[NewMan]

I agree with Dawg - negative, negative, negative.


The No. 1 killer of attraction is the masculine requiring support from the feminine in times of crisis'. You should have a goal - a focus - you should be 100% commited to that goal. Your woman is secondary - and no matter what the woman says - that's where she wants to be. Sure, your mom dies, you cry and get consoled by your woman - but you never, never, seek emotional support from your woman in times of crisis. You should be that rock.

I've told her I recognize this and am willing to change for me.

Changing for a woman is weak - and admitting it to her is even weaker.

she said that she cannot afford to risk getting wrapped up in any type of conversation with me in person right now. She said until I get my stuff together we are just friends/buds. I told her I don't do friends, and that we have to both be in this relationship together. I'm not going to contact her. I'll let her chase me.

She's very adamant about her best friend and mom being there for me now, as she apparently can only be a friend right now, talking on the phone and not in person until I deal with my anxiety in certain conversations. I know she's not cheating. She said I can date others right now but she is not dating. She's always said I can date others if that's what makes me happy. She is just so logical and silly in what she says sometimes - we are both guilty of this.

She is done with you my friend.

If she loved you, she wouldn't break it off - and she wouldn't be telling you you can date other people.


You need to cut ties - stop talking to her on the phone - focus your strength inward and achieve all you must.

women will come.

 

[game.r]

:crackup: am i wrong for finding this funny?:crackup:

 

[Colossus]

TRAVELLER--

Havent heard from you in a while, and it's apparent why. Look man, I like you and we've had some good exchanges over the years, but that was cringeworthy.

First of all, like speed dawg and new man mentioned; nothing, and I mean NOTHING, kills attraction faster than male neediness. You've dumped on her emotionally, needed her, and freaked on her. I hate to say it but you're past the point of no return.

We all go through rough times, and now is a stressful time to be unemployed. Of course you want your gf to be there for you and offer moral suport, but there is a fine line between accepting her comfort and keeping your composure. Unfortunately, because you have displayed repeated weakness, she is not going to look at you the same way. Further, even if you DID get your life back on track and she took you back, you would be no different than a dog crawling back with it's tail between it's legs. This one is a wash, my friend.

I think it's a natural reaction for a lot of guys to emotionally dump on their gf's when times are low. They get a false sense of security thinking that she will love them just the same, like a mother. But much to many an AFC's dismay, what ensues is usually a polite 'we need a break', after which he will grovel even further and cement his fate as a needy weakling in her eyes. Even if you are not truly a needy weakling, you made the mistake of completely dropping your guard and baring your emotions to her as if she were your mom or sister. Romantic love is always conditional.

In some ways it is unfair, I know, but that's just the way it is. Never let them know how much you are struggling. Never seek consolation, or sympathy. You can be frank with them but dont give her every detail and dont wallow in your plight when you're with her. You may even have to preemptively leave HER to get your sh!t together, rather than the alternative. If you need someone to talk to, call on family or close friends. Hell, PM me if you need to.

Additionaly, I think you can do better than this girl. Between the autism, the cat issues, and her alleged past....dude.

Here is what you should NOT do from this point on:

-Call her.
-Try and win her back.
-Change for her (change for yourself)
-Seek needy comfort from her mom and best friend
-Live with the hope that you will get back together.


This is a crappy lesson man, but in some ways it is a blessing in disguise. If she is going to call a break because you lost your job while you're dating, is this the kind of woman you would consider as a wife?

 

[The Bat]

You only dated this girl for 5 months.

And yet you are so upset over this that it looks like your life is completely over.

Why is this? How did things get up to this point, in only 5 months?

Experience is the harshest but the best teacher. I hope that you take the advice given here in this thread and move on with your life.

 

[KontrollerX]

I'm not even going to bother replying point by point to this disaster as the guys have already covered quite well why this has been a disaster and why you shouldn't be subjecting yourself to it but I can't help but make a few points before ending my post...

1. A girl with a bad family upbringing is not to be considered for a serious long term relationship or any kind of real relationship at all, you can fvck these kind of girls for a few weeks or about two months but thats about it. You know its time to end it once you start to develop feelings for them. This developing feelings for bad relationship candidates usually only happens for the beginner DJ types but I give it as a guideline since new recruits are always asking when they should next a fvck buddy. Well now you know.

2. "What's a man to do?"

A real man leaves any relationship that becomes more work to maintain than fun. Contrary to what the feminists, society and Dr. Phil might say relationships are supposed to be about fun and having a good time.

They are not supposed to be about work as in constant work to maintain them.

So when you are being bombarded with ridiculous ultimatums, ridiculous scenarios that distance you and your girl from eachother thats when an AFC knows he's in love and will stay the course.

A real man ie the DJ walks away, he nexts the b!tch and lets her come back to him on his terms if she comes back at all but the DJ isn't even all that concerned if she comes back as he's already busy working on the next project.

So and I know you guys don't like to hear this but you need to hear it anyway.

What you need to do is next this b!tch for your sanity. :yes:

And don't worry if you meant enough to her she will come back to you offering you a better deal and if she doesn't you say to her oh so you are still not serious about our relationship? and then you next the b!tch again and again and again until she says something worth hearing.

 

[darkstarrr]

:crackup: am i wrong for finding this funny?:crackup:

hey game.boy why dont you pull your thumb out of your asshole and go find yourself a new hobby other than being a nuisance to people who come here for guidance

 

[decades]

you got oneitis with someone who could never commit to you. you fell in "luv" too quick. you gave your heart to someone before you knew the "real" her. And you are needy.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Traveller,
Poor bugger you......This girl is not for you,the drama about the Cat...Then the Oscar performance with her friend and her Mother....What an emotionally immature Girl she is!.....You need a strong supportive Woman to help you through tough times,sadly it looks like you are going to have to do it on your own.....Ultimatums are always a stupid last resort and rarely achieve the anticipated result...So yeah your main priority is finding a job,so get into some self improvement and stay around people even if it's just walking round the shops.

 

[jonwon]

She had a rough time growing up (father physically abusive to her, mother divorced twice, her neighbor was trying to sexually abuse her, moved around in family a lot, not many friends even now) but she a strong and smart girl.

Red flag number 1.

she said that she cannot afford to risk getting wrapped up in any type of conversation with me in person right now. She said until I get my stuff together we are just friends/buds.

And number two.

talking on the phone and not in person until I deal with my anxiety in certain conversations.

And number 3.

I was willing to see how things were once this very stressful time was through, but giving me this ultimatum of being friends with only phone contact

What's a man to do?


First:

Dont date whack jobs.

Second, when ever a girl gives you this much drama you cut her off and go live your life.

Stop being a looser - if she can not recognize the man she has in her life you DO NOT BEG HER - to take you back like some simpering beta wuss bag - you go out there and get chick who digs you for what you have to offer.

Yes your acting like a royal jack ass wuss bag right now and have been for sometime- but in all fairness this chick is bad news, even an Alpha would be hard pressed to cope with the drama this chick is inflicting.

Your 'sucker'ing into a shi* relationship and your too blind/ignorant/stupid/clueless to see it (take your pick of the ones i mentioned).

This girl is doing you a favour.

What would a man do?

A man would take it on the chin - roll with it and come out stronger for it and learn and in that, not make the same mistake again. Asking for advice for a girl who has done what this chick has done, is forgivable - but sticking around and trying to work out a solution to some girl who you have dated for only 5 months who is treating you like shi*, has to be the biggest act of beta neediness you can imagine.

At 5 months she is a plate - You don't even know someone after 5 months - for starters you both like different things - You hate cats and she loves her cat.

Your only dating this chick because your a beta who knows or thinks he can't score more P***y and that is the bottom line truth - deep down bottom line truth - otherwise you would have blown this nut job from your life at the first red flag.

This with 100% clarity will be ignored has you continue with your wuss as* beta neediness and keep having this girl shi* on you and destroy your self-esteem -

You have only yourself to blame - remember that when she pis*es you about so much you start to hate her for it - When in reality it was all your own doing.

There is no advice to give you to help you get this chick back - because any man with a clue knows your better off learning from this experiance, since so far your beta neediness needs a shock injection and this chick seems the one to provide it - in a few years time you'll thank her for it.

 

[The Logical Player]

this is a prime example of the kind of guy who should not be having a guuuuuurlfriend that he is committed to - too inexperienced and unready to handle a real relationship, and now you are stuck in a dead end one where there is NO benefit to you - NONE

 

[TheTraveller]

Thanks for the support, guys.

I'm really wanting to self-improve here, move forward and lose these AFC tendencies. This process starts by freeing myself of the ex-gf, and moving on.

It's so easy to ignore the red flags as an AFC and think you can fix the person. What a load of sh*t and a waste of time to think that way.

 

[strong like bull]

for what its worth,

my first (and worst!) LTR gf had a real bad family upbringing - parents split, sexually abused at young age, etc

my current (and best!) LTR gf has a solid, strong family upbringing. parents still together after 30 yrs, family is close, morals, etc

needless to say, it is a hundred times easier to be happy with my current gf of 2 years. to be honest, the girls who go through all that bad stuff at a young age end up "broken" mentally/emotionally. i dont say it to be a ****, but thats just usually how it works out.

theres 4 years of experience and dating between my first, and current gf. but one of the biggest things ive learned along the way is that you cant turn a ho into a housewife, or make a crazy girl sane.

take this time to focus on yourself. you might not see it yet, but it is probably for the best that she skipped out. take care of what you need to take care of. in time, when youre off chasing after your dreams and goals, be open to a nice, fun, cute, compatible girl to join you. just take it one step at a time.

-slb

 

[Deep Dish]

Yet, she definitely is mildly autistic.

If so, she probably has Asperger Syndrome, which is a condition that I have. It's a condition which takes one helluva lot of acute self-awareness to mitigate the condition's behavioral and cognitive tendencies and propensities. One thing to bear in mind is that we are emotionally blind, incapable of reading emotions and have a significantly diminished capacity for empathy. Compounding the condition with an abusive childhood is a perfect storm for running away from intimacy—she cognitively wants intimacy but in actuality is intolerate of it. The other guys are right about what to do, I'm just giving insight. I bet she was a fascinating woman, though.

 

[TheTraveller]

dude, of course she was fascinating. I'm all for the weird and fascinating girls. But this was a setup for failure from day 1. She learned, over many years, to be bubbly in social situations with groups or to strangers, so she was. I always wondered why she wasn't like that with me after the first or second date. Why she would act odd, quiet or seemingly distant. It was because, as she stated, bubbly and social and happy in those situations is actually not who she is. I had a hard time understanding that, but after a while I essentially self-diagnosed her with Asperger's which I believe is 100% accurate. It's in the family and I'm sure environmental from childhood.

I feel for your condition. My identical twin brother has it, and *more*. It can be so hard to understand and deal with it from an outside perspective. We are all human.

Guys with this condition have it much easier than women with this condition in a relationship. I was the first guy she seriously dated who did not have autism. Yes, I know, I have my other stuff to work on for me, but it was like a complete role reversal. GF = empathy lacking, emotion not there, BF = able to show emotions. Therefore, GF = man, because she doesn't know any other way to be (and heck, she frankly lived like one) and BF = woman role, because there is no woman role in the relationship.

This is just ridiculous!

 

[TheTraveller]

Scaramouche's comments are great, very much appreciate your use of the english language.

A last thing to point out is that this idea of capt'n save a h0, it sure is strong when the girl has a mental disorder that is linked to something I've had to deal with in my family. It's like since I'm not dealing with it in my family now, I should deal with it through her. That it should be an excuse for her behavior, good and bad.

She was not phased by being self-diagnosed by me, nor do I think she will seek help. She "likes being an oddball".

 

[jophil28]

She has this bizarre admiration for animals. For example, her cat attacked my head, I freaked (hate cats!) but she just really showed concern for the damn cat.

Although it seemed like I was putting my own self-interests above the relationship when I would, weekly (every few days) freak about something in my life to my GF, I had no idea this was occuring. It was my social dynamic that I grew up with at home. I've learned it cannot exist in this relationship - expressing emotions and having a GF solve everything.


What's a man to do?

You grew up with males freaking out every few days ?

GO out right now and rent ten Clint Eastwood movies.

 

[TheTraveller]

Make my day, dude. It was the mom who overreacted. Stupid me emulated that.