GF falls into contact with an EX of hers...

[tihash]

My GF and I have had our ups and downs. Long ago she gave me her email password, and I check it now and then. It is the same password as her Facebook, which she recently joined but never mentioned to me. So i checked it out.

I am 32, she is 28.

Apparently, an ex of hers did a friend request to her on Facebook on Thursday. She accepted, then emailed him Friday. (I will print emails below). I see that as escalation on her part. He emails her back the same day, and she then emails him again and says she will be in his town soon to visit her best friend (female) and they should have coffee. I see that as escalation on her part again. I am presuming the next step will be for the ex of hers to offer his phone number to her and for them to exchange numbers.

The town he is in is 2 hours away, and since we have been together, she has only been back there about 3 times, and I went with her each time. I just think it is unlikely she will go there without me, but for the life of me I don't know why she is escalating with this ex. As a backstory, I had problems before with her making contact with another ex (who lived in another state) behind my back. She never had any intent on meeting that other one, and claims she was just seeking him out as a friend when she was depressed. I found out about it because there was a very long phone call to an out of state number on the cell bill (she is on my plan).

Anyhow, for now I think I just wait and see if they exchange numbers and she if the texting/calls begin. Am I over-reacting? Could it just be all innocent? I will say if the reverse happened, she would go apesh1t if I was talking/emailing an ex, much less making a coffee date.

Emails are:

***

HER: Hey! I was very surprised to see your friend request today! How are you? What's been going on in your life? All good things, no doubt. I hope to hear from you!

HIM: Soon as I saw your profile, I had to friend you. Without being long winded, I think its important to be friends with people that were big parts of our lives, even if it was a lifetime ago. I'm doing great, owned (store) for about 6 years now, and still live in (city 2 hours away). Went through some tough times the past couple years, so was kinda finally forced to grow up a bit. How are you doing? Fill me in on how your doin and what you've been up to.

HER: I feel the same way. Actually, I friend requested you years ago on myspace and you denied me! No hard feelings. Everything is great here in (my city) except I can't find a job! I've been bartending since my station closed at (old job). I have film/tv degree but jobs are hard to find. Ill be in (your city) sometime soon to see (my female best friend) so we should have coffee.

***


Your thoughts?

 

[coolf1r3]

Quit being so insecure. She's just talking to him, making polite conversation. Let the two be. She's still your girlfriend, even if she talks to him or not.

 

[handle]

sounds just like banter I have with exes. Friendly, suggesting for coffee that probably won't be followed through on, no hard feelings.

means nothing.

 

[Charm&Style]

You shouldnt be in the relationship to begin with. If you need to resort to having your gf's password for her email, voicemail, facebook, etc then you have trust issues and whats a relationship with trust issues? Its one that falls apart quickly.

I hope your life is good enough and that you are not with this girl so that she can "complete your life". Dont go on her private crap anymore and see what happens. Just be ready that if she does disrespect the relationship you can easily walk out. No need to argue why she is talking with her ex, if you two are together then you are both mature and responsible enough to know who to talk too so if she breaks her end of the bargain you walk out and move on with your life.

 

[horaholic]

Yeah, there is nothing there suggesting there is anything going on. This is a rare occasion on this board where we stick up for the female, so take that how you will.

 

[russell]

dude you're 32, why are you so insecure? there's nothing here to suggest anything and why the fvck are you snooping through your girlfriend's sh|t? man you are one fvcked up boyfriend.

 

[DJDamage]

Fvck this is the kind of B.S that turns me off about long term relationships.

Don't listen to anyone that is calling you insecure, because this is a double edged sword situation.

If you say something or react to her, you are automatically labeled "insecure", yet if you don't do anything about it or worse you say you are ok with it then it gives her a permission to go out with guys she used to suck their d1cks and sh1t could potentially happen.

Their relationship was over, they shouldn't be friends afterwards.

If I am thinking about going to an LTR with a girl part of my prerequisite is to ensure that she doesn't have any EX boyfriends hanging around and that she agrees that contacting any ex is disrespecting to one's relationship and a recipe for disaster.

If she doesn't agree then I disqualify her, and continue dating other women.

 

[darkstarrr]

HER:Ill be in (your city) sometime soon to see (my female best friend) so we should have coffee.

First of all you should have posted this in MM. Second, one of the first things I learned after joining this board - which I shrugged off initially but came to learn the hard way is that anytime your GF associated with an ex, especially to the point where the above type of statements take place - there is a problem.

You are not being insecure whatsoever.

I'm not sure what you should do but I will think about it.

Have a friend of yours write you a hand written letter as your ex. Have it mailed to you ina pink envelope. Have it be brief and end it with her saying: I'd like to see you sometime. I'm sure your GF could come up with an idea or 2 about whether or not you should respond. Have her be hot. I made a fake facebook profile for this chic. PM me your name and I will write you a letter as your ex on there. I won't add you though so you won't be able to see anything on the profile..

PS - I set that up when I was drunk. I really don't give a fuck at this point. With all the BS we have to deal in the world it is only natural that we counter it with some false pretenses of our own. Research false pretenses and dating and relationship and I'm sure you will be suprised what you find.

Sometimes people need a little dose of their own medicine for them to chill the fuck out and treat you with the same common courtesy.

Good luck.

 

[KontrollerX]

Once you begin to feel your girl is untrustworthy you then have to ask yourself why you remain with that girl.

Usually the answer is you are either insanely head over heels for her despite the untrustworthy problem or you fear you can't get anyone else.

I think for most guys who remain in these undesireable scenarios its usually the second option.

Oh well you know what these guys may be right that what she is doing could be completely innocent but I'll tell you that no real man finds himself in this situation more than once as after the first time he learns that when he begins a new relationship with a girl he has to go over things with her in the beginning where he and she tell eachother what are the do's and don'ts in the relationship.

For real men contact with ex's is off limits and they let the woman know this upfront which sets the frame of the relationship moving forward in the real man's favor and he keeps the power over the situation because as soon as his woman crosses the line even once and makes contact with an ex breaking the agreement that man removes himself from that woman's life keeping his word and his power and his frame in the process. Not to mention his self respect.

A guy that tolerates his woman talking with ex's is an AFC no two ways about it or a DJ that is simply uninformed.

Well consider yourself informed now soldier.

Make it clear to your girl that this sort of thing is just not cool with you and if you feel you have to use the example of asking her how she would feel if you kept talking to and going on coffee dates with your ex's do so in order to prove your point of how wrong all of this is.

If she still doesn't get the point she's not the girl for you and any pain or frustration you get for remaining with a chick after this kind of discussion is all on you for staying.

Anyway though to close out I'll answer another question that I'm sure may be lingering in some posters minds if they took the time to read this post of mine.

Question: What if my woman has to see her ex because they have a kid together Kontroller?

Kontroller: You shouldn't be dating single mommies in the first place as in general they are just looking for a new baby daddy and that is why it seems so easy to get with them which is why you went after one to begin with. Your game was too weak to secure a highly sought after hot single chick in her party years so you went for the single mommy dead end. Have some self respect, drop the dead weight and step up your game and go get a young single hottie without any children and you won't find yourself in any more situations like this rife with detestable unneeded drama.

 

[strong like bull]

it could be innocent...

but ill be honest, i know that i personally would be bothered by it. my gf and i were both real upfront about how its unacceptable to reach out to, or spend time with, an ex. its alright to be courteous and friendly, but to go on little coffee dates and things like that invites trouble into your relationship.

its very easy to have old feelings rekindled. if your girl is with you now, she needs to leave that stuff in the past. and vice versa, any self respecting woman wouldnt appreciate you meeting up with one of your hot ex gfs.

when your gut is telling you something is WRONG - its usually right! as men, we must protect our hearts and follow our instincts.

-slb

 

[Nutz]

Fvck this is the kind of B.S that turns me off about long term relationships.

Don't listen to anyone that is calling you insecure, because this is a double edged sword situation.

If you say something or react to her, you are automatically labeled "insecure", yet if you don't do anything about it or worse you say you are ok with it then it gives her a permission to go out with guys she used to suck their d1cks and sh1t could potentially happen.

Their relationship was over, they shouldn't be friends afterwards.

If I am thinking about going to an LTR with a girl part of my prerequisite is to ensure that she doesn't have any EX boyfriends hanging around and that she agrees that contacting any ex is disrespecting to one's relationship and a recipe for disaster.

If she doesn't agree then I disqualify her, and continue dating other women.

Once you begin to feel your girl is untrustworthy you then have to ask yourself why you remain with that girl.

Usually the answer is you are either insanely head over heels for her despite the untrustworthy problem or you fear you can't get anyone else.

I think for most guys who remain in these undesireable scenarios its usually the second option.

Oh well you know what these guys may be right that what she is doing could be completely innocent but I'll tell you that no real man finds himself in this situation more than once as after the first time he learns that when he begins a new relationship with a girl he has to go over things with her in the beginning where he and she tell eachother what are the do's and don'ts in the relationship.

For real men contact with ex's is off limits and they let the woman know this upfront which sets the frame of the relationship moving forward in the real man's favor and he keeps the power over the situation because as soon as his woman crosses the line even once and makes contact with an ex breaking the agreement that man removes himself from that woman's life keeping his word and his power and his frame in the process. Not to mention his self respect.

A guy that tolerates his woman talking with ex's is an AFC no two ways about it or a DJ that is simply uninformed.

Well consider yourself informed now soldier.

Make it clear to your girl that this sort of thing is just not cool with you and if you feel you have to use the example of asking her how she would feel if you kept talking to and going on coffee dates with your ex's do so in order to prove your point of how wrong all of this is.

If she still doesn't get the point she's not the girl for you and any pain or frustration you get for remaining with a chick after this kind of discussion is all on you for staying.

Anyway though to close out I'll answer another question that I'm sure may be lingering in some posters minds if they took the time to read this post of mine.

Question: What if my woman has to see her ex because they have a kid together Kontroller?

Kontroller: You shouldn't be dating single mommies in the first place as in general they are just looking for a new baby daddy and that is why it seems so easy to get with them which is why you went after one to begin with. Your game was too weak to secure a highly sought after hot single chick in her party years so you went for the single mommy dead end. Have some self respect, drop the dead weight and step up your game and go get a young single hottie without any children and you won't find yourself in any more situations like this rife with detestable unneeded drama.

Fully agree. It's not insecure to do 'due diligence'. And this "oh it's just coffee" is how cheating starts. Best to talk to her about how your ex contacted you online the other day and how weird it is, then go into how you don't tolerate that sort of thing because of the problems it can cause. See how she reacts. It puts your thoughts out there and will let you determine if she's going to respect your wishes, or do her own thing regardless. If the latter, then she doesn't respect you and will be off doing her own thing with other guys behind your back. Period. Needless to say there will be other issues in your relationship down the line, if not already.

Bottom line, you need to lay down the law. If she doesn't abide, then it's time to show her the door.