And this is major debt apparently since she earns $100k+. I had my suspicions that something wasn't right when I realized how many meals I was paying for vs her. It was to the point where I would tell her she needs to get the next meal or the next round, etc. We had plans to go on a trip and as we're nearing the date to book the flights and hotel she's been avoiding to pay for anything even more. It was like pulling teeth but I finally got her to admit that she can't afford the trip. To my surprise, her money is going towards debt she accumulated in her previous marriage and she's trying to pay it off along with attorney fees. I haven't asked her much debt it is, since I'm pretty ticked off about it because had I known this I wouldn't have dated her in the first place and now I'm contemplating parting ways with her. I just don't feel I need to put up with someone with this kind of baggage. And I suspect she's lying about other things as well. Any thoughts or advice on how to handle this one?
GF Admitted She Has a lot of Debt
- Thread starter jaymbrs
- Start date
If it wasn't major, you probably would have heard about it before and I'll bet that its worse than she put out there. Been there. Turned out that she had run up debt in her previous marriage (credit cards, bad investments and a bad business venture), probably never thinking that SHE would have to pay it all back by herself. If you already think that she is lying about other things, isn't that enough by itself?
RickTheToad
Moderator
Depends if this is LTR material. I am dating a lady who has around 40k in student loans, and makes around 110k a year. She pays for a lot of stuff though. I did date two ladies who are similar to yours. I had to get rid of them both. If she's not reasonable on HER DEBT and HER FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY in your relationship, then you may have to jettison her. I am telling you now, if you don't, but stand ground, she will respect you for this, and probably put up with it for a while. However, over time, it will build up resentment in her which will ultimately doom the relationship.
And yes, you should ask how much the debt is and if she has a plan to pay it off. I encouraged the one I am seeing to refinance and she got the APR down and locked by 1.5%. You need to do the same if you plan to keep her around for a bit. If things don't work out, you cannot say you didn't try your best and leave her in the best possible state for herself.
I normally leave finances out of relationships. Only reason I know what she makes is because she got a new job and I read her offer letter. But this one seems like I may have to do some questioning or just walk away from it. I'll have to think it over. Good insight, fellas.
stovepipe
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She played you to the point where you were questioning something wasn't right and your gut turned out to be right. To me that is disrespect & dishonesty at a high enough level that I'd walk away. She's a liability as even you said you wouldn't have dated her in the 1st place had you known about her debt. The only kind of baggage I wanna deal with are the ones I pack for vacation.
So she offered an explanation that the only reason why she's paying for the debt (even though the court ruled he was responsible for it) is because he is nowhere to be found and she can't serve him. Her job as an investment advisor relies on her having good credit so she can't charge off nor settle the debt. As we were having this conversation she became upset because she stated she has searched for alternative options but other than being able to serve her ex, she can only continue to make the payments on the cards or pay them off completely. SMH.
with that much debt? I doubt
not much to do I would cancel the trip, and start to make her work for it, that is if you think it can be salvaged in some way, but I would hold back in paying for her on things, she need to learn how to keep her money on posititve, if not the next money she will be spending its yours, also if she is expecting you to keep giving her money, better your end it before the spending become even higher
RickTheToad
Moderator
That's rich. An investment advisor who doesn't know how to manage her own money. Tread carefully my friend. She's looking to latch on to a savior. She should also weigh the amount she's paying in legal fees vs just paying off the debt. Also, what does the divorce decree say about the previous debt? Something doesn't add up here. If it was marital debt, then there should had been a court approved plan for up to half to be paid off by her ex-husband.
Something isn't right here.
RickTheToad
Moderator
I think you are confused. I rarely pay for anything. Her debt is student loans for her master's. The OP's lady's debt apparently is credit card debt.
nope, CC or student matter little, woman tend to belive her guy resources is her resources and make use and plans counting on that, in both cases she need to pay that up or the very least start to lower that number, because you know eventually you will be paying.
plus I don't know why you belive what I was saying it was about you, its op post so its to him, some people....
She said he is in contempt of court but in order to charge him, she needs to serve him. And he's somewhere in Wyoming, but no idea exactly where. You're right in that something doesn't quite add up. It's still baggage that she brings and I bring none. Zero. Besides a bad temper from time to time. And I told her that's why we wouldn't work.
RickTheToad
Moderator
You quoted my post dude, that was why I was responding to you. Student debt is near impossible to avoid these days. Since it was an MBA and she's making bank with an 826 FICO score, she doesn't seem to have an issue with the debt, but to each his or her own.
RickTheToad
Moderator
It's BS. It's already court ordered. Technically, all she has to do is give the Sheriff of the county he resides in and they will seize said assets/bank accounts. She can easily find this info via a skip trace, spokeo.com, https://www.instantcheckmate.com/, etc. Something smells wrong here. She's lying dude.
who cares dude just keep fukkin her and stop taking her to restaurants an sht. Id pay for everything if the cost was cheap "chipotle, ice cream, etc) as long as she does everything I say and the puzzy is good.
seems like ur trying to invest in this chick and its a bad investment bro. just keep bangin her and keep the dates cheap. no need to go off on her about her debt. its in the past and its her problem. as long as she is subservient and respectful and wants ur D then let it be.let it be...
seems like ur trying to invest in this chick and its a bad investment bro. just keep bangin her and keep the dates cheap. no need to go off on her about her debt. its in the past and its her problem. as long as she is subservient and respectful and wants ur D then let it be.let it be...
MrWood
Master Don Juan
so she lost in the divorce... bit of a red flag right thurr.
she makes 100k and has financial issues... them flags are waving high.
obviously a well thoughtful and together person who has no concept of responsibility (sarcasm)
MrWood
Master Don Juan
I divorced my first wife by default because she was not found.
You post relevant posting to newspaper, family and last known address. If no response you get an automatic default.
Figure it out.
happychappy
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I did some agency work for a while. I loved the flexibility of it. Single and childless, so what did I care?
I started seeing this Polish woman that initially brought me here. In these jobs, I started to realize that "everyone was on something". When I began getting prescription meds (which I got addicted to) I had loads of the girls telling me all sorts of specifics about getting sorted on that front. Everyone was on something. Well with this Polish she was into shopping and that. Big debts and warned me early tbf.
Most women expect a bail out of sorts. Whether it be from dad, the government, or from the hubby. That's seriously just how it is. And it's something that proper men need to manage when it comes to actually being somewhat successful on so many different levels.
I started seeing this Polish woman that initially brought me here. In these jobs, I started to realize that "everyone was on something". When I began getting prescription meds (which I got addicted to) I had loads of the girls telling me all sorts of specifics about getting sorted on that front. Everyone was on something. Well with this Polish she was into shopping and that. Big debts and warned me early tbf.
Most women expect a bail out of sorts. Whether it be from dad, the government, or from the hubby. That's seriously just how it is. And it's something that proper men need to manage when it comes to actually being somewhat successful on so many different levels.
Kotaix
Master Don Juan
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Debt is one thing. Terrible financial habits are another thing entirely.
One of my best friends went thru this to a degree. She put a ton of money on credit cards to move her and her bf to california so he could go to college. He proceeded to play world of warcraft for years and never did anything other than the absolute minimum to get by. She ended up paying for all that debt out of her own pocket after they broke up because he never had the financial means to pay it back, and we're talking at least $30k. Right now she's an exec in gaming and does very well for herself and is a great person.
To contrast:
I know a BPD woman who has just moved states and is going to be renting an apartment for almost $2500 a month in a nice (very expensive) city. Her rent alone is over half her yearly income and on top of that she has a car payment. She even raided her 401k in order to get the cash for the down payment on the apartment. I can see her life going to hell very soon (again). All this so she can keep up the lifestyle she wanted. She had a trashy upbringing and is essentially a gold digger.
As long as she pays for the debt herself and doesn't ask for help, I don't see a problem with this. She could be hiding something else, but that's up to her to tell you, and I do agree that it's a bit fishy that she's been ok trying to mooch off you.
One of my best friends went thru this to a degree. She put a ton of money on credit cards to move her and her bf to california so he could go to college. He proceeded to play world of warcraft for years and never did anything other than the absolute minimum to get by. She ended up paying for all that debt out of her own pocket after they broke up because he never had the financial means to pay it back, and we're talking at least $30k. Right now she's an exec in gaming and does very well for herself and is a great person.
To contrast:
I know a BPD woman who has just moved states and is going to be renting an apartment for almost $2500 a month in a nice (very expensive) city. Her rent alone is over half her yearly income and on top of that she has a car payment. She even raided her 401k in order to get the cash for the down payment on the apartment. I can see her life going to hell very soon (again). All this so she can keep up the lifestyle she wanted. She had a trashy upbringing and is essentially a gold digger.
As long as she pays for the debt herself and doesn't ask for help, I don't see a problem with this. She could be hiding something else, but that's up to her to tell you, and I do agree that it's a bit fishy that she's been ok trying to mooch off you.
