Getting the digits- UK advice esp welcome

[cyrano]

Folks,


Have been away from the boards for a while and have come back to re-learn the ropes! In any event, I would like your input on this scenario. Met a girl at a wedding (actually was sat next to her at dinner) and got on like the proverbial house on fire. Without going into too many details, I had plenty of IoIs etc and was doing well. As I left the party, I went to make arrangements to meet up in the future, and she said 'Get my number from Dan (a mutual friend- and also the groom for the day!)'. Is this a brush off? I may well be over analysing this, but would like an objective point of view on this before wading in and asking said mutual friend for her digits! There are some aggravating factors (we know a lot of the same people, are both in the military) which would make being marked out as a pest really quite undesirable.

Any advice gratefully received!

Cheers,

 

[Metro3pilot]

hmmmm ......

get the number and call her .....

:rockon:

 

[Mr. Me]

"'Get my number from Dan (a mutual friend- and also the groom for the day!)'. Is this a brush off? "

Yes. In about that same breath of six syllables, she could've rattled off her digits. But she didn't, and instead, threw an obstacle your way.

You got along great at the wedding because you had in common the invite to be there and were seated next to each other for the reception, and that all helps to break the ice. She was being social and making the most of it, which only to you seemed like "the proverbial house on fire".

 

[jophil28]

Folks,


Have been away from the boards for a while and have come back to re-learn the ropes! In any event, I would like your input on this scenario. Met a girl at a wedding (actually was sat next to her at dinner) and got on like the proverbial house on fire. Without going into too many details, I had plenty of IoIs etc and was doing well. As I left the party, I went to make arrangements to meet up in the future, and she said 'Get my number from Dan (a mutual friend- and also the groom for the day!)'. Is this a brush off? I may well be over analysing this, but would like an objective point of view on this before wading in and asking said mutual friend for her digits! There are some aggravating factors (we know a lot of the same people, are both in the military) which would make being marked out as a pest really quite undesirable.

Any advice gratefully received!

Cheers,

Here is my considered opinion -
She was saying, "I like you and I want you to call me. You are moving kind of slow and I want to make sure that we connect up again, so get my number from Dan before you leave."

In my experience , women who do NOT want to see you again do NOT tell you how to go about getting their number..

Did you get her number yet ?

 

[cyrano]

Ok, so some speedily dispensed (thanks for the swift replies!) and evidently contrasting advice!

I must confess that my line of thinking was much the same as that of Mr Me; were I to find myself in this sort of situation, this is the sort of line I would throw out. That said, I'm not a single girl at a wedding, and I am possessed of limited empathy!

JoPhil makes a valid point- if she was not in any way interested, she would probably not have said anything. My fundamental reservation is that I consider it very bad form to call a girl who has not given you her number personally- it smacks of stalking! This situation falls right between the two camps- she didn't give me her number, but she told me how to get hold of it. I'm sure she knows that I could have gotten her number; thus, is this approval to call, or merely fluff talk. As I recall, she asked me to let her know how I got on at a course I am due to attend- hence I countered with 'How will we get in contact with one another?'

In any case, I'm going to get hold of her and see what happens. Nothing ventured, nothing gained etc...


JoPhil: I haven't gotten her number yet as I don't feel it awfully appropriate to call my friend whilst he is on his honeymoon in order to get a girls number! Equally, it would seem rather keen given that I am not going to be in her neck of the woods for some time! In my limited experience, it pays to be a little diffident. She'll get a call when I 'happen' to be in London and am able to spare her a few hours of my time.....

Metro- I guess that I could do with stopping the analysis and just making a decision! Cheers for the kick in the backside!

Thanks for your advice chaps- gratefully recieved.

 

[jophil28]

I'm sure she knows that I could have gotten her number; thus, is this approval to call, or merely fluff talk.

.

Hey Cyrano, Why did you NOT get her digits while you were sitting with her all through dinner. You did not make the first move and so now,as a consequence.,you are left wishing and hoping and wondering what she REALLY meant when she said "get my number from Dan" ..

Lesson learned ? WE have all done what you did, and we have all been where you are now - unsure and confused !

Next time,make a confident move early in the piece - if she is not interested you will get that message from her because she will fumble and hesitate.
If she is interested, you will get the digits.

THis story is a classic example of the wisdom that says " Rejection is better than regret."

 

[cyrano]

Good point well made JoPhil. In my defence, I didn't feel it appropriate to do so over dinner in front of several of my colleagues (boss included). The issue of failure doesn't really bother me, but it might have put her in a tricky position were she not interested.

This isn't a great position to be in, but I have a way forward. I'll give her a call in due course and will give her the opportunity of a meet up. If takes it- great, if not, question answered.

In any event, this will prove to be a useful experience in calibrating my social compass! I'll certainly find out whether to trust my first instincts (or not) in the future!

 

[jophil28]

how I got on at a course I am due to attend- hence I countered with 'How will we get in contact with one another?'

"How will we get in contact with each other ?" A WEAK statement dude. IT puts the impetus and the control right into her hands and you are covertly conferring control on her to initiate phone number exchange
The question entirely lacks LEADERSHIP.

YOu need to shepherd, marshal and direct ALL proceedings with a new women during the first few meetings. Amongst other things, this transmits CONFIDENCE.

 

[cyrano]

Sure, I conceed it to be a passive statement, and it does indeed move the impetus. That was the intention- I go halfway in letting her know that I am amenable to meeting up, she then confims this by giving out the number. This has been a good technique in the past, and has been pretty good at separating the wheat from the chaff. I wouldn't hand out my own number on the basis that this constitutes a total surrender of control- I will choose when to call, not end up waiting for a call!

You make a good point on the leadership front. However, without a concrete declaration of interest (i.e: exchange of digits), I'm not prepared to raise the temperature. There is nothing more pitiful than seeing a guy try to run game on a girl who just isn't that interested! That said, there isn't much more confusing than being caught in some sort of metaphorical 'no mans land'. Talk about being architect of one's own downfall.....

In any event, I will get hold of her and see whether it is worth making a move from there. I'll make some enquiries through mutual friends and see if they have anything to add...

Cheers again.