Getting rapport with people

[legolas]

I've read a lot of good messages here and I've figured out that somehow it all boils down to a few social skills when it comes to talking to women or anybody else for that matter. The ability to get rapport and make the other person feel comfortable with you as well as building a conection that can be lead into anything from sex to friendship, to a business relationship.

Mr. Fingers has some good input in his message about social phobias here. Read especially the Second Gate. I know that body mirroring doesn't really work without first being able to feel the other person out, and identify with them. I'm still struggling with his skill and would appreciate any input that people have who have experience with this skill. Anybody who can make people feel comfortable around them is welcome to input their ideas.

Why doesn't body mirroring work? Because I've tried it and it looks stupid, so unless you have anything other than body mirroring please don't post. Thanks.

 

[Mr. Fingers]

Thanks for the shout-out legolas!

This is a great question! I once thought the same as you, that you had to keep mirroring someone for rapport, but found that if done improperly, this can really freak someone out. I realized that mirroring is just a tool to make you have a vicarious experience. See, you put yourself in the persons body language to identify with their feelings and proceed from there. After a while you will notice that your sense of a situation will become heightened and on top of that, people will start to unconsciously mirror you! Take yourself down (or up) to their pace and then lead the dance!

Remember that this is only a training exercise, after a while you will be a pro at reading vibes and won't even need to mirror.

This is some good food for thought. Wish I had time to write more, but a million duties await.

Till next time...

Mr. Fingers

P.S. - It would be great to get some input from the masters here

 

[legolas]

Gotta bump this!!

 

[vdk]

Ive tried mirroring but dont know whether it freaked out a girl or not. I managed to predict her moves with just looking at the corner of my eyes. We sat next to each other with other people. When she grabbed her drink i did the same without directly looking at her and about 0.5 second delay. After that lunch my girl friend came up to me and said we looked like a good couple. At the end I dont think it was all worth it. I had put so much effort into that maneouver and was drowned out of the conversations.

I think you need to be a real pro do pull this off. Definately an advanced tool.

 

[legolas]

vdk,

That is the reason why mirroring doesn't work. True rapport is totally out of awareness and the mirroring occurrs without any effort and without much thought. So by being able to identify with the other person, it will occurr automatically.

 

[huisy]

"Rules" for rapport don't work well

Most of the "Rules" for rapport you have heard are simply a result of observing the behaviour of two people with good rapport.

They occur subconciously between the two people, and most of them (especially body-mirroring) are very hard to force without looking unatural.

Instead, you have to set up a situation whereby rapport will rapidly develop. if you approach a conversation with a view that you want to get to know this person, and think that you will get along fine, you'll find you do all the things people tell you to naturally.

Good conversation is at the heart of rapport. You need to be able to get people to talk, especially early on, when the person you are talking to wil most likely be nervous, and slow to talk.

For more information on building rapport without resorting to body mirroring etc. read up on NLP. I used to think it was rubbish, but I learned it properly, and it is a truly amazing tool.

 

[Mr. Fingers]

NLP

A Huge part of gaining rapport comes from the art of conversation. I studied NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and SS (Speed Seduction) for a while and learned how to use patterned responses to control a conversation. For those of you who are new to these concepts, they are conversational techniques used by everyone from seducers, to salesmen to professors in order to perfect their gift of gab. The basic premise is that there are certain verbal routines that you take your target through in order to accomplish the following:

-Elicit Values: Find out what makes that person tick. What they admire about people. Some people will go as far as to BECOME that person in order to get what they want..but I personally found that it made me feel sleazy.

-Change States: Manipulate the mood/emotions of the target. With a chick, the goal is to have her reach a trance state. This is done by describing something sensual in vivid detail. Making her recall her most passionate moments, past lovers, etc.

-Anchoring: At the key points of the conversation when you want to associate a given emotional state to yourself, you anchor your words with kino. example:

YOU: Can you remember a time when you felt totally content and safe with a man ... I mean totally head over heels in love?
HER: blah blah blah
YOU: Wow, that sounds amazing. How did you meet this guy?
HER: blah blah blah
YOU: Isn't it interesting how a random incident can create such a powerful attraction and a moment that changes 2 lives forever? I guess you never know when you are going to meet someone special. (lightly grab shoulder and give it a squeeze)

This is a tame example. There are all sorts of sexual patterns you can use and anchor to yourself by either touching the target or pointing to yourself..In SS, a lot of the patterns require you to point at your di¢k. Interesting stuff.

Does it work? Yes and No. It really depends on your delivery and ability to come off as natural as possible. I was obsessed with this concept for a while. And though it has helped me overcome a few obstacles, I don't really use NLP or SS anymore..at least, not consciously. Some of the things I say might be considered patterns, but I have found it more effective to really interact with people and use my own experiences to connect with them. Canned responses are great to get your confidence up, but after a while, you learn to go with the flow and drop the training wheels. Also, sometimes this stuff works a little too well and you end up with stalker bit¢hes blowing up your cell phone, but that's another story.

These days, I gain rapport by really listening to whatever the person is saying , deciphering the emotion behind it, and then connecting to that emotion with a story of my own.

Example:

HER: Things are pretty difficult for me right now. I just came into town 2 weeks ago and don't have my own apartment so my life is sorta up in the air. Blah Blah Blah
ME: (responding to her emotions) I know how you feel. I was homeless before I came here and it was not easy! I couch-surfed for two months and it definitely changed my perspective on life. (Tell her a few funny sub-plots about my difficulties before I flip the vibe) It was rough, but you know what? It was also one of the most exciting times in my life! Every day was an adventure and I did not take my time, or my people for granted. It sucks when you get pulled into routines and lose your sense of awe with life. So much more exciting when you plunge into the unknown and travel, or get to know someone new. (Gently squeeze wrist, not because I need to anchor, but cuz it just feels right)

Notice how I took her negative emotions and flipped them on her to not only appreciate her experience, but steer the convo towards the joy of meeting someone new (i.e: me!)

I am sure some NLP experts could pick this convo apart, and maybe they are right. Perhaps I have managed to NLP myself into unwittingly using NLP! LOL!

I think it is worth studying this technique, but dont fall into the trap of over-analysing sh!t. Being natural, open and comfortable with yourself and the other person is the most crucial thing.

This was a great response huisy...Made me think. Looking forward to more input!

Mr. Fingers

 

[legolas]

Re: NLP

Originally posted by Mr. Fingers

-Elicit Values: Find out what makes that person tick. What they admire about people. Some people will go as far as to BECOME that person in order to get what they want..but I personally found that it made me feel sleazy.

The problem here is that not everyone knows for sure what they value the most about something. Most of the time people will just say "I don't know." or will give some canned response. I haven't used it myself too much, but I find that that type of a question sometimes can help the other person clarify what they are looking for. It's great for sales, but in seduction it doesn't work as well.

-Change States: Manipulate the mood/emotions of the target. With a chick, the goal is to have her reach a trance state. This is done by describing something sensual in vivid detail. Making her recall her most passionate moments, past lovers, etc.

This is a very important skill. One thing to realize here is that states don't change immediately, unless it is important to do so because of survival purposes. So it helps to build up slowly. I know that I use it to some extent, but almost never consciously.

These days, I gain rapport by really listening to whatever the person is saying , deciphering the emotion behind it, and then connecting to that emotion with a story of my own.

Hmmm, I kinda like this one. It depends on talking to get rapport but I can identify with this. I was watching the movie "Phone Booth," which I heartily recommend, and I couldn't help but identify and connect with the character's emotions. I felt as if I was there, because I had felt like that before, trapped and looking for a quick way out, only to find that in order to get out I had to invest more of myself in it than I thought it would take, and had to change myself accordingly.

Good stuff Mr. Fngers. I knew you somehow knew about NLP, but you never fell into the trap of regurgitating other people's stuff in your original message, as most NLPers do. You explained it naturally from your experience and with simple words. I like that. You should teach

 

[seloifter]

I'd recommend reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People"......
it's a little outdated (some of the examples wouldn't work in today's society), but the ideas are still pure gold......
warning: alot of the ideas represent the opposite of DJhood..... that is because this book is about making people like you (and thus getting them to do whatever you want), not about getting girls to **** you......

 

[huisy]

NLP works both ways

NLP is not just about affecting the mood/state of the person you're talking to, but also yourself. Whilst I agree over-analysing the subject matter will not help (over-analysing anything to do with women will not help), it is worth learning.

I can tell you, as an Engineer, I don't beleive anything easily if it's not concrete and logical, so the ideas of self-hypnosis seemed totally absurd to me. I tried it, because of a recommendation from a friend. It worked wonders for me. It's basically taking the exact same techniques (state alteration, anchors) and using them upon yourself, in order to make you act however you want to.

There are loads of exercises to do, and I'm not going to try and regurgitate one, get a book! All I can say, is nothing happenned at first, but after 30 days, I genuinely noticed a difference in the way I behaved, I became the person I wanted to. To this day, I use it, and I keep "evolving" towards the person I want to be.

Use of NLP on other people is hard, thats why hypnosis is not something you can learn overnight (NLP was developed by observing how hypnotists induce states in other people). My advice is avoid trying it on others unless you are very comfortable talking to women, and very confident (a lot of the stuff you say can sound cheesy, and if not delivered properly will bomb instantly). It's an advanced tool, not a replacement for being unable to talk to women comfortably in the first place.

 

[legolas]

Must Bump

Mr. Fingers, can I pick your brain again?