Getting over a break up...

[#41]

As a caveat -- this is the first time in my life that I've ever been the one who has been dumped. My other relationships were always either ended by a mutual decision that things weren't where they needed to be or when I decided I needed to move on.

This one is different. We were dating for close to 8 months, and I feel for her pretty hard in the middle of that. I loved this girl -- and she ended it, telling me that she felt like she wasn't in the place she needed to be for a relationship to continue growing and that it just wasn't the right time in her life (she did, however, reach out and say she still wanted to be friends -- eff that).

Blah blah, whatever.

This woman was literally everything I looked for -- incredibly well educated, career oriented, financially responsible, from a good family, lots of varied interests, fantastic in bed, and off the charts in the looks department.

It's been over a month, and I can't get over it. I go out with friends to bars, and I'm just not motivated to talk to other women. I sit and compare them outright to her, and virtually none of them measure up on even the most basic attractiveness level. When I do go and talk to other women, I rarely feel an attraction. If I do feel an attraction, they always end up being some vapid thing or someone who has little to no education or any career ambition (sorry, moving up to a better hair salon isn't an ambition). Worst of all, I feel like I'm just going through the motions because it's what you're supposed to do. I don't want the girls I'm talking to, I want her back.

I genuinely believe I'm never going to meet another woman that combines all of the qualities she had -- and that sickens me, but nothing I've done has worked trying to shake that feeling. I sit and literally tell myself "You blew it with the best chance you'll ever have to be with a worthwhile woman..." I hate myself every minute of the day for even getting to this point, but here I am.

None of the advice I've gotten from friends has really helped, so anyone with thoughts -- I'd be glad to hear them.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

Dang, thats a tough one. Yeah I've been there too. Honestly, if you go no contact for a while, she may just miss you. If she hasn't branch swung on you, this could happen. She's drunk one night, misses you, and sends a text... Also might not hurt if you put some pictures up on facebook of you with other girls to stoke the fire. If she comes back to you, awesome. If she doesn't, seems like you are still doing the right things in going out and approaching.

 

[thewickedm]

Take a break from women and work on your life. I find that works better than "sarging" because honestly if your ex was a keeper, she is definitely going to make most of the women you meet pale in comparison

 

[mrRuckus]

Dude, you just go about doing what you normally do. You just wait this out. There's nothing magical you can do. And it never fully goes away forever. It just stops being constant. I still have random moments of pain about several of my exes, where for a short bit I miss them. You randomly recall a nickname one used to call you or something and think "aww i miss her; she was a nice girl."

I sit and compare them outright to her, and virtually none of them measure up on even the most basic attractiveness level."

Don't bother thinking about this as best as you can. It's just not true. Everyone gets that feeling and then it goes away. Then you meet another girl sooner or later that you never thought you'd meet, and she becomes the new "she's better than all the rest and i don't know what i'd do if i lost her." So I guess the DJ thing is rationally learning that this is just an emotion and knowing that this feeling can dissipate and be reacquired with another girl if you have to.

So basically you just wait it out and know that it does 99.5% go away. The worst is the feeling that you think it won't ever go away, but it does. You're basically in withdrawal from the love chemicals right now.

Just get back to some sort of routine. One of the worst things about a breakup is the hole in your normal routine where you aren't quite sure what you used to do to fill the time you instead spent with her. Once a new routine kicks in you start to feel normal again.

Your friends aren't helping because there's nothing special they can offer you.

 

[kingwilliam]

The only thing that is going to make you feel better is time..... and trusting people when they tell you that...

Im about 6 months out of the same situation as you and I still think about her...compare her to other women. I have a lot of women right now who I could seriously date but none of them give me the same feeling.

Just do your thing and focus on improving yourself mentally and physically and before you know it, she wont even pop in your head anymore.

Go to the gym.

 

[Lion]

As a caveat -- this is the first time in my life that I've ever been the one who has been dumped. My other relationships were always either ended by a mutual decision that things weren't where they needed to be or when I decided I needed to move on.

This one is different. We were dating for close to 8 months, and I feel for her pretty hard in the middle of that. I loved this girl -- and she ended it, telling me that she felt like she wasn't in the place she needed to be for a relationship to continue growing and that it just wasn't the right time in her life (she did, however, reach out and say she still wanted to be friends -- eff that).

So getting over her will be one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life?
Did she ever say she loved you?
Any more information on your relationship and how it ended?

This woman was literally everything I looked for -- incredibly well educated, career oriented, financially responsible, from a good family, lots of varied interests, fantastic in bed, and off the charts in the looks department.

I understand what you are saying; everybody says there are plenty more fish in the sea but you don't want fish.
There are other girls like her.

It's been over a month, and I can't get over it. I go out with friends to bars, and I'm just not motivated to talk to other women. I sit and compare them outright to her, and virtually none of them measure up on even the most basic attractiveness level. When I do go and talk to other women, I rarely feel an attraction. If I do feel an attraction, they always end up being some vapid thing or someone who has little to no education or any career ambition (sorry, moving up to a better hair salon isn't an ambition). Worst of all, I feel like I'm just going through the motions because it's what you're supposed to do. I don't want the girls I'm talking to, I want her back.

I genuinely believe I'm never going to meet another woman that combines all of the qualities she had -- and that sickens me, but nothing I've done has worked trying to shake that feeling. I sit and literally tell myself "You blew it with the best chance you'll ever have to be with a worthwhile woman..." I hate myself every minute of the day for even getting to this point, but here I am.

STOP.
Thinking that is not going to help you, even if you were to get back together this is not a healthy mindset. You should always be motivated to talk to other PEOPLE. Improve socially.


Going out with friends is good, the girls you are meeting in bars, think of them as practice. It is rare to find a quality woman in a bar, not saying it isn't possible, just rare from my perspective. You will meet quality women in your everyday life. You just need to make your everyday life exciting.

At least you know what you like and don't like in your ideal partner.

Start doing new things, going to clubs that interest you, the GYM lift weights.
Don't focus on girls for at least 6 months. If they come your way fine. Don't go looking specifically for girls just yet. You need to give yourself a deserved rest.
Your heart has survived and things WILL get better. But you have to look at yourself to change.

 

[game.r]

You keep saying you blew it. Why do you feel you blew it, how did you blow it? I think the best advice for your particular case so far has been to take some time and work on You. This is what you need to do.

The way you describe it the girl sounds great. You may have put this girl on a pedestal. Evaluate your relationship honestly and make sure you're not beating up yourself unnecessarily.If you find yourself lacking in a particular area, work on that area. This just sounds like a case of you going mega AFC and losing the chick... but I'm not sure, you will have to elaborate if you want guys to give you a good assessment.

I started a tread about relationship game and this is exactly what i want to address. Once you get the girl what do you need to do to ensure you don't go AFC and ruin it.

Stay tuned...

 

[cavedweller]

There are only two ways that you can heal a 'broken heart:

1..Get back with her.

or

2..Find another.

cavedweller